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Hi

In my recovery each time I went back to my unhealthy addictions or my unhealthy obsessions was a chance to learn what was my last emotional trigger.

My emotional triggers were my pains not healed, another emotional triggers were my fears not faced, another emotional triggers were my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations.

Another emotional triggers were my feelings of loneliness.

Another emotional triggers were my feelings of boredom.

Before my recovery I did not value myself, I even use to think that I must be evil stupid or bad or just no good.

In my recovery I would find out how emotionally vulnerable I was.

Step five was about over coming my fears of emotional intimacy.

I was for sure a victim in my life I suffered emotional abuse, I suffered physical abuse, I suffered sexualnal abuse, I suffered neglect and abandonment, I suffered with lack of nurturing, I suffered with lack of love, I suffered with lack of protection.

My recovery helped me understand that when I said I wanted justice was not true, I wanted vengeance.

The rage that cam out of me was my hurt inner child.

My personal pleasing was unhealthy.

My wanting the easy option was very unhealthy.

My wanting the some thing for nothing was very unhealthy.

In my recovery and healing I had 11 counsellors.

In my recovery I found some very healthy sponsors and friends.

I found that healthy sponsors will not bully manipulate other people.

I found that healthy sponsors would never take credit or responsibility for any part of my recovery.

I found that healthy sponsors would not try and control other people.

I found that healthy sponsors would help me open up and give up living in fears.

I found that healthy sponsors would help me face my fears, open up and over come my fears.

I found that healthy sponsors would help me open up more and learn healthy communication skills.

I found that healthy sponsors would tell me when they felt emotionally vulnerable and how to face new challenges.

The spiritual recovery is an eye opener, it helped me from being a talker to being a walker.

The spiritual recovery helped me understand that I am no longer the victim.

The spiritual recovery helped me heal my inner child mature up, become self efficient, recovery helped me understand my needs, my wants and to open up more and more healthy goals in my life today.

Before I entered in to the spiritual recovery program I was wasting so much time I was like a rat in a wheel going faster and faster getting no where healthy.

I did not walk in to the spiritual recovery feeling worthy of myself or worthy of other people.

One day after being in recovery some considerable time I had built a house extension to our home.

Some one came to look at it, he was complimenting me, the only thing I could do was point our a cracked peace of timber I had fitted.

Before my recovery every thing and every one seemed impossible to me.

I put on a facade a pretence that I was some I was not, this was all built on my fears.

The only time I could mix with people was after having a drink.

Today with fears I am able to be myself to any one.

Before going in to the recovery program I use to think myself as a weak person, that was not true.

After every painful event in my life I was not WEAK I was just a vulnerable person, not the same thing at all.

I learned no matter when I last gambled go to meetings.

I also learned no matter if I have no money go to meetings. 

The most important word in the spiritual recovery program is RECOVERY, for me RECOVERY is and was about healing that hurt inner child in me.

The word in the spiritual program is not about religion of any sort, I am in effect a non religious person.

The word spiritual in the program is about enforcing understanding my own conscience which is based up on spiritual values.

In being in so much pain I was also living in many fears, my most serious fear was my fear of emotional intimacy.

Only when I had empathy for myself could I have empathy for other people.

Only when I loved myself could I love other people.

Only when I trusted myself could I trust other people.

I did not value myself so I could not value other people.

By having such unreasonable expectations of people life and situations I was hurting myself time and time again.

For me the spiritual program is only the manual to healthy spiritual learning, learning the text and words was not enough for me.

How much more do I want to heal my hurt inner child.

How much more do I want to achieve so much more with relationships with myself and other people.

The spiritual recovery program is not a race, recovery is a very slow healing process,  recovery is a very slow baby steps learning curve.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham
Absolutely, lots to consider if picking a sponsor.

Not always as simple as picking the first cab on the rack.

A starters worth of food for thought....

Smartie xx
(07-05-2020, 05:15 AM)gadaveuk Wrote: [ -> ]Hi

In my recovery each time I went back to my unhealthy addictions or my unhealthy obsessions was a chance to learn what was my last emotional trigger.

My emotional triggers were my pains not healed, another emotional triggers were my fears not faced, another emotional triggers were my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations.

Another emotional triggers were my feelings of loneliness.

Another emotional triggers were my feelings of boredom.

Before my recovery I did not value myself, I even use to think that I must be evil stupid or bad or just no good.

In my recovery I would find out how emotionally vulnerable I was.

Step five was about over coming my fears of emotional intimacy.

I was for sure a victim in my life I suffered emotional abuse, I suffered physical abuse, I suffered sexualnal abuse, I suffered neglect and abandonment, I suffered with lack of nurturing, I suffered with lack of love, I suffered with lack of protection.

My recovery helped me understand that when I said I wanted justice was not true, I wanted vengeance.

The rage that cam out of me was my hurt inner child.

My personal pleasing was unhealthy.

My wanting the easy option was very unhealthy.

My wanting the some thing for nothing was very unhealthy.

In my recovery and healing I had 11 counsellors.

In my recovery I found some very healthy sponsors and friends.

I found that healthy sponsors will not bully manipulate other people.

I found that healthy sponsors would never take credit or responsibility for any part of my recovery.

I found that healthy sponsors would not try and control other people.

I found that healthy sponsors would help me open up and give up living in fears.

I found that healthy sponsors would help me face my fears, open up and over come my fears.

I found that healthy sponsors would help me open up more and learn healthy communication skills.

I found that healthy sponsors would tell me when they felt emotionally vulnerable and how to face new challenges.

The spiritual recovery is an eye opener, it helped me from being a talker to being a walker.

The spiritual recovery helped me understand that I am no longer the victim.

The spiritual recovery helped me heal my inner child mature up, become self efficient, recovery helped me understand my needs, my wants and to open up more and more healthy goals in my life today.

Before I entered in to the spiritual recovery program I was wasting so much time I was like a rat in a wheel going faster and faster getting no where healthy.

I did not walk in to the spiritual recovery feeling worthy of myself or worthy of other people.

One day after being in recovery some considerable time I had built a house extension to our home.

Some one came to look at it, he was complimenting me, the only thing I could do was point our a cracked peace of timber I had fitted.

Before my recovery every thing and every one seemed impossible to me.

I put on a facade a pretence that I was some I was not, this was all built on my fears.

The only time I could mix with people was after having a drink.

Today with fears I am able to be myself to any one.

Before going in to the recovery program I use to think myself as a weak person, that was not true.

After every painful event in my life I was not WEAK I was just a vulnerable person, not the same thing at all.

I learned no matter when I last gambled go to meetings.

I also learned no matter if I have no money go to meetings. 

The most important word in the spiritual recovery program is RECOVERY, for me RECOVERY is and was about healing that hurt inner child in me.

The word in the spiritual program is not about religion of any sort, I am in effect a non religious person.

The word spiritual in the program is about enforcing understanding my own conscience which is based up on spiritual values.

In being in so much pain I was also living in many fears, my most serious fear was my fear of emotional intimacy.

Only when I had empathy for myself could I have empathy for other people.

Only when I loved myself could I love other people.

Only when I trusted myself could I trust other people.

I did not value myself so I could not value other people.

By having such unreasonable expectations of people life and situations I was hurting myself time and time again.

For me the spiritual program is only the manual to healthy spiritual learning, learning the text and words was not enough for me.

How much more do I want to heal my hurt inner child.

How much more do I want to achieve so much more with relationships with myself and other people.

The spiritual recovery program is not a race, recovery is a very slow healing process,  recovery is a very slow baby steps learning curve.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham

Hi Every one.

On walking in to the recovery I did not know what to expect.

I have been in recovery since 1969, yet I only have 29 years clean of my addiction.

Every time I went back to any unhealthy addiction obsession or tried to escape in other ways was the opportunity to learn what was my last emotional trigger.

I do not measure my success in my recovery by clean time.

When my family no longer live in fear of me my success in my recovery is very apparent.

When my family ask me for advice my success in my recovery is very apparent.

When people ask me questions in the recovery program I do nto always have the best answer for them, yet I do get back to them later on.

When I see and feel unhealthy people I often see myself in those people.

On one occasion in a meeting a person admitted some abuse towards certain vulnerable people.

The meeting knew of the abuse I experienced in my life time and were concerned by this person being so honest as to hw cruel he had been.

When the meeting came to a close I gave the person a lift home.

By me doing that I wanted the person to understand he was not only accepted by me but I also understood that he saw him self in his victims and how vulnerable he was as a child, that he to was a victim that people took advantage of.

The forgiving part in m life was not about the perpetrators, my forgiving was part f my healing and letting go, to be at peace with myself and at peace with the perpetrators that hurt me badly.

There was no doubt in my mind it was very difficult to tell meetings I broke out again and again and again, yet as I talked in more depth about the sequences leading up to my last bet helped me understand why I went back to unhealthy ways of escaping.

The people in the rooms were not going to stop me gambling, the people in the rooms were going to help me deal with people life and situations in healthier ways.

Having healthy sponsors was going to be a two way street, I certainly did not like people preaching to me, or reading text from books to me.

The gambling establishments did not steal my money, I gave gambling my establishments money and my time, gambling establishments did encourage me to stay longer than I should have been there.

Again I use to have resentments towards the gambling establishments and all of the staff, I wanted to blame them for the pains I caused myself.

I use to think that once I was seriously in the recovery program life would be so much easier.

Not so being in the recovery program I was going to face myself and other people and not run away.

The simple was that I got my steel tested much more and more as I got in to my recovery.

I attended a meeting last night, the subjects were healing pains, forgiving, being honest or any thing else you wanted to talk about.

Very honest open and powerful and very sincere shares.

Back in 1969 therapies were very rare and because of the raw anger in the rooms people feared exposing their feelings and emotions.

Having seen 11 counselors, it helped me so much.

 What was powerful I expected to cry that seemed logical to me, but what was powerful was laughing t things in my past, and then after that came out was deep suppressed memories on me trying to take my own life as a teenager.

In understanding of my expectations as a child it was powerful to understand what I needed and wanted adults could not give me, they were insecure inept and inadequate and were vulnerable to show their vulnerability to any one.

My father was an alcoholic and compulsive gambler, he was unable to talk about his child hood, he was unable to talk about the trauma he experienced in the second world war.

Lately my humour with my wife has been sarcastic and tongue in cheek humour.

From the out side people might even think we are bitter an twisted towards each other, that is not so.

Life is to short to waste time or relationships with other people.

Intimacy could only happen once my fears reduced and my trust grew.

Why rush around and speed through life, why not take things slowly and enjoy my journey.

I take the spiritual recovery program very seriously today.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham UK
(14-01-2022, 01:21 PM)gadaveuk Wrote: [ -> ]
(07-05-2020, 05:15 AM)gadaveuk Wrote: [ -> ]The spiritual recovery program is not a race, recovery is a very slow healing process,  recovery is a very slow baby steps learning curve.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham

Hi Every one.

On walking in to the recovery I did not know what to expect.

I have been in recovery since 1969, yet I only have 29 years clean of my addiction.

Every time I went back to any unhealthy addiction obsession or tried to escape in other ways was the opportunity to learn what was my last emotional trigger.

I do not measure my success in my recovery by clean time.

When my family no longer live in fear of me my success in my recovery is very apparent.

When my family ask me for advice my success in my recovery is very apparent.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham UK
Hi 

Did I fully understand why I had fears of being honest and accountable.

Because of my unhealthy habits and my unhealthy deceptions I hurt myself and other people.

I betrayed myself and other people and went against my own conscience and against my own spiritual values..

Yet my fears of being honest and accountable started from a very early age.

When ever did some thing unhealthy and was questioned by adults I was often caused pains and was shown the pains of my parents, which in turn caused me to fear being honest.

Step four was about acknowledging my unhealthy habits and in the rooms of my recovery I was complimented on my honesty and my sharing.

By people sharing in their own time and when they were ready for it they felt less fear but also saw and felt them self in other people.

As we become more aware and more honest we recognize that our fear of intimacy has improved.

Step four is not about beating our self up or punishing our self, it is about identifying what is healthy or about identifying what is unhealthy.

Once our therapies start and we share more and more of our self we reduce the fears of our past.

It is possible to face and reduce our fears with out healing those pains that caused those fears.

Steps one to eight are all about us and facing our self and getting healthy.

The first steps have nothing to do about other people and after step 8 we have the ability to have healthier relationship with our self and start seeking healthier relationship with other people.

I can start to heal myself but accept I am not able to heal other people pains.

An apology is not about who is right or wrong good or bad, an apology is about repairing severely damaged relationships.

Even though I think I am able to have a healthy relationship that is not always true.

My lies were a deception and a betrayal of people trust of me.

My lies instability and deceptions were very painful for some people,  I made promises I could not or would keep.

Being unreliable and letting others down I was hurting my self and my relationships with other people.

Once I took my recovery seriously I made a very conscious choice to not make promises at all, no matter how confident I was.

I was a very poor time keeper, I could not commit to myself so how could I commit to other people.

There was one time I asked a friend to lend me some money, he did not hesitate he declined completely out right.

The he told me he would not lend me money yet he would give me the money I asked for, I thought that he was mad.

He told me that he was not willing to put our friendship at risk lending me money, that our relationship was worth more then any money.

That blew me away.

The most important things in my life today is time and relationships, it is that simple every thing comes after that.

That money would will not heal my pains, money would not give me emotional resolve,  money would not give me happiness, money would only give me more choices that is all.

In recovery I would understand that just because I was on holiday did not mean I would not take my worst enemy with me, myself.

From some very healthy actions and words can come some very healthy relationships, the choice is all mine today.

I often mention about setting boundaries each day, at the beginning of my recovery it was just for today only I will not gamble.

It was important to talk to some one when I felt emotionally vulnerable.

That saved me a lot of money and pain. Making that telephone call was well worth it and a life saver.

I walk in to the recovery thinking feeling such a failure, I thought that gambling controlled my life, I even use to think that gambling was fun, that I could not live my life with out gambling.

In understanding that I was emotionally vulnerable, that the deepest pains in me hurt my inner child, that fears inhibited me from living a healthy life.

I was not evil,  I was not stupid, I was not a bad person, I was not a dumb person, the simple fact I was a very vulnerable person who hid his pains and fears and could not come out of him self.

Each day I live today is more fulfilling and more peaceful and I am now a very productive person.

Love and peace to every one 

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham
Hi

The gambling establishments did not make me do any thing I that I did not want to do.

Then why would I cause myself pain and more suffering and self abuse.

Did I understand walking out of a gambling establishments having lost every thing.

Was I angry, was I in pain, was I afraid, did I feel lost and confused.

Why would I think that the gambling establishments would make me feel happy, that money would make me happy.

My addiction and obsessions just indicated how emotionally vulnerable I was.

Did my pains and my fears drive me to gamble, if so would I not hurt myself more and more giving away my money.

For me the recovery program was about healing my unhealthy pains from long before my addictions and my obsessions.

My addiction and obsessions were very much feared based for me sadly by trying to escape in to very unhealthy habits I caused myself more and more pain.

Is it possible to give up my unhealthy habits and take up healthy habits.

I could not heal if I was not willing to admit to myself I have pains with in me.

I could not face my fears to myself so how could I reduce my fears if I would not admit them to myself.

Reading text on its own was not enough for me to get healthy.

Listening time and time to same very old sad war stores again was living in the past its own was not enough for me to get healthy.

After all how long would it take me to get wise and both want and need to heal the hurt child with in me.

The recovery program would help me help myself become healthier and more motivated with my life.

I do not have to do any thing I do not want to do today.

Today I do not want or need to gamble, if I wanted to gamble no one could stop me.

Life with out gambling, life with out getting drunk is much healthier, life with out smoking drunk is much healthier, life with out lying and procrastination is much healthier, life with out living in fear is much healthier, life with out getting angry is so much healthier, life with out living in the pains of the past is much healthier.

As my walls of fears came down brick by brick I was able to get out and have intimacy with myself and other people.

Not being myself I am cheating myself, living in guilt and shame I am cheating myself, living with empathy for myself I am cheating myself, being impatient and intolerant I am cheating and hurting myself.

Am I nurturing encouraging and affectionate towards myself today.

There was long time I hated myself, I hated who I had become, I hated going against my own conscience, I hated being my own worst enemy.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham