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Full Version: How could I not explain to another person why I Gambled
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I could not explain to another person why I Gambled because I did not understand it myself.

In time I would understand that my addictions and my obsessions were just the symptoms that I was emotionally vulnerable.

I was not a bad person, I was not a evil person, I was not a stupid person.

Why could I not understand myself, why could I not be honest with myself, why could I not understand my emotional triggers.

My unhealthy addictions and my unhealthy obsessions were a form of escape.

In time I would understand that no matter what happens in my life I was going to be determined to attend meetings.

How sad was it that I did not know how to celebrate in healthy ways.

I did not know how to interact in healthy ways with people and to not live my life in my fears self doubts and low self esteem.

In recent weeks I was concerned about laying some concrete in some forms I had made.

My fear was that the form would give way and the concrete would be ruined.

Yesterday Shirley my wife was helping me and pointed out one of the concrete forms burst out.

Did I get angry, did I lash out, did I swear and cuss, did panic cause me to freeze.

I had already worked out the very worst that could happen and had a large beam of wood to hold back any part of the form.

I use to want to be in control in the old days.

I understand today that it only indicated how inadequate and insecure I was and understand that my control issues were fear based.

Handing over my finances was very hard for me, I thought that money was a controlling issue.

The very simple fact that I could not trust myself with money, I felt uncomfortable having money on me.

Before my recovery I could not or would not have a financial sheet on our finances.

The healthy people helped me make out spread sheets identifying every bill we ahd.

The healthy people helped me understand the importance or making out my lists of my needs of my wants and more importantly lists of goals.

In time I would be able to see and feel myself in other people, both the unhealthy and unhealthy parts of them.

Even today I am very much a person watcher, I am able to see both the unhealthy and unhealthy habits people have.

I found that every perpetrator was at some time a victim.

Sadly unhealthy people will transfer their pains fears and frustrations on to other people. 

Sadly unhealthy people will justify going against their own conscience and against their spiritual values.

For me the recovery program is not a race it was very much slow baby steps to learn new healthy habits.

My impatience and my intolerance only indicates how hard I was on myself.

Shirley and I will be celebrating our 50th wedding anniversary in the next two weeks.

If I had not taken the recovery program seriously this would not happening.

The last bet I had was in 1992 and my commitment to my healing recovery has paid huge rewards in the relationship I have with myself today and  the relationship I have with all other people.

I could not respect other people until I respected myself.

I could not love other people until I loved myself.

I could not get to be healthy until I admitted to myself that I was an unhealthy person.

I enjoy giving talks at a recovery center and know I am paying back that which was given to me.

I am a non religious person and know that if I can embrace and want to heal my hurt inner child any one else can.

There was a time I would escape in to watching television.

I would even plan my life to watch certain TV programs.

I am watching television now to relax my body.

I am not being obsessed with watching television, when I was watching television for long periods of time I was not being productive with my time.

The recovery program text is only a manual, it is up to us to learn from healthy people in recovery by their healthy habits and their productivity.

A healthy sponsor will have a two way street interaction with like minded people.

A healthy sponsor will demonstrate what healthy relationships are about.

A healthy sponsor will demonstrate patience and tolerance.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham