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I am one year into recovery and have not relapsed so very proud of my self for that, I want help on how to help my wife believe me after I have lied to her so badly she knows it’s been a year but I don’t think she can forgive me and that’s making me worry I might make bad decisions in the future not gamble again but drink or worse anyone been through this and got the love and trust back
Hey Richard82,

You should be proud of yourself. 1 year is a major achievement, but as i reflect on my own recovery, its only a start of my recovery journey.

Trust can be a fickle thing. Takes years to gain and can be destroyed instantly so building it over can take a long time and effort. Have you been working on it together through counselling or something like that?

I know the last year has been COVID distracted, but maybe now might be a good time to look into your nearest GA meeting?

Let us know if any of this hits the mark

Smartie
(08-11-2020, 11:02 PM)Richard82 Wrote: [ -> ]I am one year into recovery and have not relapsed so very proud of my self for that, I want help on how to help my wife believe me after I have lied to her so badly she knows it’s been a year but I don’t think she can forgive me and that’s making me worry I might make bad decisions in the future not gamble again but drink or worse anyone been through this and got the love and trust back

Hi Richard

By abstaining from unhealthy habits the healing process can start, it takes time to reduce your fears and for your trust to grow.

In my life there lots of pains that caused fears in me I did not understand.

One of the causes of my pains were lies, because I was unable to live a healthy life and was obsessed about my addictions and obsessions I would make promises I could not keep.

I was a very volatile emotionally vulnerable person who could not face my self or other people.

My lies would adversely affect every one in my life including the relationship with myself.

My honesty and my healing would be more resolved in my therapies and in hearing myself in other peoples therapies.

Part of the healing process was being kinder and more caring towards myself.

Beating myself was causing myself pains.

By handing over my finances to another person was my surrender to myself, I could not trust myself with money on my person.

By handing over my finances to another person I was letting go of the idea that money was a control issue and again control issues were fear based.

By handing over my finances to another person I was enabling myself in time to trust another person.

My wife Shirley asked me if she could ask me every day if I gambled.

I hesitantly agree but felt very uncomfortable because I felt like that I was being interrigated.

On a daily basis I was honest and that I did not gamble.

Then after a time Shirley no longer asked if I had not gambled that day.

I left it for a week and  then questioned her why she was not questioning me.

Her answer was because she knew I was not gambling, her trust was growing and her pains were reducing and being healed.

Each lie I told caused pains in me and other people, once I gave up lying and putting on a facade which also lie based, I was able to be myself with myself and with other people.

The lies I told went against all spiritual values non religious with me.

Only when I got more honest with myself could I get more honest with other people.

I am not able to heal other people pains, that is not in my control.

What I did not understand was that when both of us got married over 50 years ago we both had emotional baggage before we ever met.

What I did not understand when we got married I was not able to love myself, there fore I was not able to love my wife in a healthy way.

The questions that came in my recovery was not about money gambling but about how I could learn to listen to my own conscience how I could open up to improving my self and becoming healthier in myself improving the relationship I have with myself.

Only once I admit to myself that I was unhealthy only then could my recovery start.

It would require me to invest huge amounts of time and energy in to my recovery.

Love and peace to everyone.
 
Dave L
 
AKA Dave of Beckenham
(08-11-2020, 11:02 PM)Richard82 Wrote: [ -> ]I am one year into recovery and have not relapsed so very proud of my self for that, I want help on how to help my wife believe me after I have lied to her so badly she knows it’s been a year but I don’t think she can forgive me and that’s making me worry I might make bad decisions in the future not gamble again but drink or worse anyone been through this and got the love and trust back
Hi Richard

I was able to question myself as to why I felt so vulnerable and over time understand my emotional triggers.

As I got more honest with myself I was able to get more honest with people close to me.

I do know and understand that lashing out hurt myself and hurt other people.

Also that burying and suppressing emotions was not healthy for me and my relationship with other people.

It is important to know and understand it is the hurt child in me that needs healing.

In walking in to the recovery program I did not or know how unhealthy I was.

Healing takes time not only for me but also people close to me.

Love and peace to you.