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Full Version: What excuses did I have not going to meetings, how long to learn how unhealthy I was
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What excuses did I use to not go to meetings, how long would I take me to learn how unhealthy I was.

I often felt that my addictions controlled me, that I could not help myself, like I was out of control.

My thinking was that if I stopped gambling that I would be happy.

My thinking was that if I my money back I had lost at gambling that I would be happy.

The addictions only indicated that I was emotionally vulnerable.

Before my recovery I would justify being honest, I would justify that I did not need the meetings.

Every pain in my life caused me to live in my fears.

I would justify my lies, I would justify procrastination.

The simple truth I could not help myself being on my own.

In the rooms of recovery once I was able to listen, once I understand I was simply emotionally vulnerable, I was not bad person, I was not stupid person, I was not an evil person, I was a very vulnerable person.

People pushing religion on me did not help me at all, yet people demonstrating being healthy by their actions and their words helped me see what healthy was all about.

I was not a religious person, I was not able absorb and learn new found skills very easily.

Due to trauma in my life I had trust issues, I simply lived in so many fears I use to panic very easily.

So once I gave up talking about gambling, once I gave up talking about money lost during gambling, and once I gave up living fears of being honest.

The reduced levels of fear enabled me to trust once more, and the therapies started to open up and I was able to see and feel myself in other people therapies.

Each day was a day I could improve on in how I felt and how I was able to move away from reacting in unhealthy ways to interacting with all people in healthy ways.

By giving up my addictions and obsessions I was able to take up even simple tasks and do a good job.

Yet it was very hard for me to say to myself I did a good job.

As you get healthier you stop beating your self up.

You stop calling your self names.

Having a conscience is a very healthy indicator that deep down was a healthy person who could not help him self.

By abstaining from my unhealthy addictions and my unhealthy expressions I was able to open up more.

The recovery is not about us beating our self up, the exact opposite, the recovery is about us being more nurturing towards our self and other people.

The words I used before my recovery bad evil wrong right would be replaced with healthy or unhealthy.

A healthy sponsor will help me during stressful periods, a healthy sponsor will hep me be more caring more respectful more tolerant more patient with myself.

A healthy sponsor will not bully or manipulate me,  they will not make me do any thing I am not ready to do.

A healthy sponsor will not take any credit for my new found healthy skills,  healthy sponsor will help me reward myself and say I am doing a healthy job. 

As we identify each fear they reduce more and more.

My fears were all ten out of ten before my recovery, then they reach a point where my fears were low single numbers.

Before my recovery I had so much anger in me, I had so much anxiety and panic in me.

If I was not a compulsive gambler i would have never found out how much I was missing from my life today.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham