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Full Version: Once I abstained from unhealthy habits I got to be a more caring healthy person
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It took me along time to understand that my addictions and obsessions were just indicators that I was emotionally vulnerable and the fact my inner child needed healing.

For me a recovery program means healing, yet my healing could not start until I stopped causing myself pains.

I like many people think that money would make me happy, then again everyone has a different idea what is happiness,

The anger and rage that came out of me only indicated that I needed to learn how to heal the hurt inner child in me.

The words I used like I have to indicated that my thinking was obsessive, in time I would be accountable to myself and write down my needs my wants and my goals and reach a place where I felt more productive in my life and in my actions.

Often recovery meetings raise more questions than answers, often after meetings people would find people to interact with and find more stimulus from one-to-one chats.

As your fears reduce your trust grows and as you have a better relationship with yourself you find you have better relationships with other people.

In my experience the men find it harder to open up emotionally, often wives and ladies say that their partners open up to me, I was the same way, yet once everyone heals those communications become much easier.

Having a sponsor is a two-way street, it enables people to share more on a one-to-one basis and humps people get over the tests we have in our life.

In my past having such high expectations caused myself lots of pains, I was in effect hurting myself by having such high expectations, only once I reduced my expectations helped me to be far less angry.

A person once asked me why I was so polite grateful and open, it was, I was expressing my values, that people do things for me are appreciated, by not showing grateful I was taking everything for granted.

As I show more and more appreciation and gratitude my relationship improves with complete strangers, they often do remember me and my healthy attitude.

There was lost of abuse in my childhood, lack of nurturing love and affection, sadly I took it internally that it had some thing to do with me, that was not true.

The things I did not receive in my childhood had nothing to do about me, people were often filled with fear ad trauma of their own experiences, in time once I understood their limitations my relationships changed, and my frustrations melted away.

Now at 74 years of age I understand that once I took recovery seriously, I got well and tested and that was part of my recovery, to get resolve in my life so that I could live in peace.

Every painful event, every trauma caused fears in me that I did not understand, the question is, can any person heal their pains, can a person face and understand and then reduce those fears without understanding the pains that caused them.

Yes, for sure, for me some traumas were buried so deep I did not have any recall, they were in effect buried so deep I could not recall the memory.

In my teen age years, I did not understand my feelings and emotions, I could not talk to anyone, I could not or would not articulate my feelings and my emotions.

In my recovery I was asked have you tried to take you own life, I said no and I meant it, yet later on once my inner child was healed and healing suddenly the memory came to surface, it was so clear the memory that I knew here I was, what bed I was sleeping in and even recalled the smells of Dettol and lavender in my grandmothers cottage.

Then I understand for time I was not able to or ready to face my vulnerability at that time. I also understood that certain people came into my life at important times, they were nurturing people, they were spiritual people not necessarily religious people but hey in effect gave me a sense of safety and inner peace that carried with me for a lifetime.

So the addictions were not selfish actions they were in effect self-destructive actions.

The addictions and my obsessions were a form of escape emotionally and in time being in recovery my need to escape would get less and less.

Sadly, the consequences of physical and emotional abuse cause confused trauma that adversely affects our ability to take in absorb retain information and it adversely affects our awareness.

Having a healthy nurturing sponsor will help decision making and reduce the effects of trauma in our lives, not every is even aware of how much stress anxiety they carry with in them self.

The question is why vulnerable people procrastinate so often and limit their commitments, is it lack of confidence, is it lack of self-esteem, is it fear based or feeling unworthy, how long to understand that our commitment is to our self-first of all.

How often do people instantly feel guilty from receiving a gift or a compliment, how can that in any be health, we cheat our self by living in the guilts of our past, how can that in any way be healthy.

What is success, is it about money, is it about what people think about us, one day I met a man who was very wealthy, my question o him are you happy reaching you goal with all this money, he laughed at my question, do you think my goal in life was money based, I said yes to him, he explained his goal in life was to be successful in what he did and what he said, because he is very successful the reward happened to be more wealth, but his goal was never about money.

So it comes down that in my recovery, the question is how committed am I to fulfill my needs my wants and my goals, success is never given to us, it is earned by our healthy actions, it is earned by our healthy words and our dedicated commitment, to not give up on our self.

Before coming to Canada, I had never done dry wall stud walls or done floor plans for a basement construction, I had never done tilling, I had never done irrigation, I had never done concrete walls, I had never repaired plumbing leaks, I had never laid grass or laid new grass, in fact there many things I was so nervous to try.

In the old days I would try to get some one else to do things for me, that was not healthy, so in time I asked people to show me how to do things for myself. It takes longer yet more self-rewarding, I did it.

The more you get into recovery the less you will talk about gambling or money lost, in time you will forgive your self and just understand that you were a very unhealthy person.

True forgiving is not burying or suppressing things, it is truly about healing the pains of our past, to forgive unconditionally, without no hesitations whatsoever. Not healthy is gained by living in the pains of our past, we learn from our unhealthy past and let go of it.

One could say that I have an obsession with ancestry research, it is often some thing I do during the night, it is a kind of research, finding out facts for yourself and even sometimes other people.

With mixed clues you find family links that no one else could find it is challenging. Some links I have found go back to 1500 – 1700, it is all good stuff. I do not choose research in place of spending time with family.

After abstaining from unhealthy habits, you have more healthy things you can do, one was travelling going to places you could only dream of at one time, yet on some holidays I found out that I could take my own worst enemy with me, in time I would identify the fact I still had certain control issues which were very much fear based.

Am I able to like myself today, am I able to respect myself today, am I able to respect love myself today, am I able to be more patient and tolerant with myself, in past time I user to be very hard on myself and call myself very unpleasant painful names?

In the next week or so I will be having 29th birthday meeting to show appreciation to the people at the meetings for helping me became a person I can like love and respect today.

Love peace and serenity to everyone

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham