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Full Version: What were my triggers and when did I feel vulnerable
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My name is Dave of Beckenham. I am a compulsive Gambler! Today my pains from my past are being nurtured and healed, my fears willingly faced and frustrations resolved by accepting the understanding of the serenity wisdom and I live a much healthier spiritual life today, I am healthier and stronger in myself than ever before in my life simply JUST one day at a time.

The wording in red book step three “Gamblers anonymous is a spiritual program, not a religious fellowship.” It is not mentioned often enough about recovery being a spiritual recovery program.

In understanding what my triggers were and when I felt vulnerable and wanted to escape in time I would not react in fear again and be able to think clearly and work it out what was troubling me.
My reaction was almost like I did not have a choice, I felt that the gambling control my life and that I was a victim of other people and the fact I could not got with the people events and challenges.
Often people would say they escaped like I did but were unable to admit to that they were filled with fear, over time I was able to identify my fears and my reactions caused me to escape.
Anger was often fear based, worry was often fear based, anxiety panic low self esteem lack of confidence were fear based, I even recognized that I feared my mother and once I understood why it was easy for me to learn to change that fear into love.
There were many people who are unable to open up and expose their deepest feelings and thoughts, it was not easy for me also but I knew living in past was never the answer.
It was funny that over time as each person got more honest the meetings got more honest and stronger and people were able to expose more of their past.
I used to think that abstaining was recovery, sadly abstaining on its own was not recovery for me, and he took me some time to realize that fact.
One of the questions I kept asking myself was why did I gamble what logic what reason, often people would say that people would find a reason or excuse to gamble, was that true, in time I would understand that my emotions and feelings would be the course.
I used to feel vulnerable when I could not cope with certain feelings of pain fear frustrations loneliness or bold, understanding what my triggers were an important part of understanding why I had become so unhealthy and did unhealthy actions.
When I was angry I now understand that it was due to pain fear of frustrations and over time I would be able to process those feelings in a much healthier way.
I got into the habit of asking myself what level of pain did I feel today, how much fear was in me to pay, and was I getting frustrated at someone something or event.
The word recovery indicates a heating process and overtime I would understand the healing process was very much an emotional issue.
Sponsorship was often referred to and I'd question what was sponsorship, was it just having a friend or was it more than that, how much would I be able to open up to someone was relative to how much fear held me back and how much I trusted any person.
The recovery program helped me to understand that in my childhood my emotional wants and needs were not fulfilled, in the recovery program I would understand that as a father I needed to learn healthy nurturing and encouraging skills, for myself first of all, only then could I help others and my family.
Sadly one can only help someone who is willing to help themselves, and he's important to understand that moment a person has made a conscious decision to make changes and become healthier person.
In 1969 I did not think or feel that I needed or wanted the spiritual recovery program, I could not be honest with myself and could not be honest with other people.
The 20 questions were simple enough yet I could not be honest to myself about the answers.
Hence even to today I encourage people to talk and debate every aspect of those questions.
With regards the 12 steps it is important to understand which spiritual values relate to each step, and understand the reason behind those actions.
At one time I abstained for long periods of time yet did not make good use of my time, sadly by not filling my time with healthy actions I found myself white knuckling my recovery, and sadly the only person I was fighting was myself.
At this time I am not able to make use of my right hand, it has made my life difficult not unbearable, fortunately or my wife's computer she has voice recognition which enables me to dictate my thoughts and feelings.
I am using the meetings because I'm not able to drive and that riding on the public transport maybe risky, I am concerned that I might bump into someone.
I've had chemo radiation and an 8 hour operation and survived all and an improving both physically and emotionally, I need to beware that frustration can sometimes take over.
If I am excited at living today and sharing myself with Shirley my family and friends, before the spiritual recovery program I was not able to be myself, to give of myself unconditionally, or do things for others unconditionally.
Because my inner child is healed that little boy is able to enjoy life that the onetime he missed out on.
My pain is my responsibility to heal, my fears of my responsibility to face, and my frustrations are resolved by understanding my own limitations and how little I have control on the world around me, the only person I control and regulate is myself.
I was feeling inept for the beginning of my life, was it lack of skills, was it fear of trying, was it fear of failing, can I say that feeling inept was also due to the fact I was not able to express myself and communicate myself in a healthy way.
Because I was able to identify myself in others I could see and recognize what was healthy and unhealthy, and by exposing myself emotionally I was able to talk about my deepest feelings and thoughts, and over time learn a healthy way of expressing myself so that I did not cause offense or hurt of the people's feelings.
And as I get into recovery I find I am more accountable to myself for my actions and my words with other people.
Being free of fear is very powerful enables me to have good relationship with myself and with other people, in being honest I can communicate without causing offense to other people.
As I embrace recovery there is no longer the need to escape from myself.
The more effort and energy I placed in my recovery helped reduce the chance of me going back to unhealthy actions and unhealthy words to other people.
I used to think that humble people were weak people, how long could I be mistaken, in humbling myself to all people I see myself as an equal to all.
The spiritual recovery program has ruined gambling for me; because I am healthier I no longer have the need to escape from myself or my feelings.
And there was a time when I had no faith or hope in myself or my actions, I was very unhealthy and could not admit it to myself and would often justify to myself and others my unhealthy actions.
I questioned been humbled was a sign of weakness I now understand that humility is in fact a sign of strength and a person understanding all about serenity.
So I used to think that the spiritual recovery program was a limiting choice in my life, the truth was the spiritual recovery program was going to open many opportunities emotionally and physically to have healthier relationships with everyone including myself.
After over 47 jobs I realized that the jobs were not my problem that in fact is I was the problem.
Am I able to be myself today, am I able to be the best person I can be, do I do things because it gives me pleasure, do I do things unconditionally, do I need to boast about my achievements, and my content with who I am today, am I concerned about what people think about me, do I take account of myself at the end of each day.
Every action has consequences, lack of actions has consequences, unhealthy actions have unhealthy consequences, and the spiritual recovery program helps me understand that healthy actions have healthy consequences
I am not willing to give up faith and hope in myself not today.
Love and peace to everyone




When I feel for others I am starting to feel for myself.

That is growth.