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Full Version: Did fear cause me to want to escape to my addiction?
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My name is Dave of Beckenham. I am a compulsive Gambler! Today my pains from my past are being nurtured and healed, my fears willingly faced and frustrations resolved by accepting the understanding of the serenity wisdom and I live a much healthier spiritual life today, I am healthier and stronger in myself than ever before in my life simply JUST one day at a time.

For me the spiritual recovery program gave me choices to live a healthy life without lying stealing deceiving putting on a face or put none a facade.
The wording in red book step three “Gamblers anonymous is a spiritual program, not a religious fellowship.” It is important to understand that anyone can find healing spiritual recovery without having any kind of religious beliefs what so ever, this fact is not mentioned often enough about recovery being a spiritual recovery program.

I use to live in fear of failure, fear of change, fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, fear of the unknown, fear of exposing myself and letting people see how vulnerable I really felt within myself and fear to let people see that little hurt child in me.

For me the spiritual recovery program gave me an understanding of how unhealthy I had become and made me aware that my unhealthy actions had adverse affects and cause pain to people close to me.
Sadly it took me a long time to learn to listen, I often question why I did not grasp what recovery was all about, and over time I came to understand that the reason I went against spiritual values and against my own conscience was because of fear based issues.
What is strange is that as a child I was born completely free of all fears, I could be unconditionally honest, I could give of myself unconditionally, and then as an adult I learned to live in fear and hold back from giving of myself unconditionally.
I had lacked trust on arriving into the spiritual recovery program, I was filled with fear, I had lost all faith and hope in myself, I had no self esteem, no self worth, I was in mature irresponsible inept inadequate an insecure.
Yet he would take time for me to recognize that my emotional age and my physical age did not match up, and over time I would understand I had no choice but to react like and little hurt a child and hide and escape in my fears.
How could I think and feel that I loved gambling, I used to think that gambling was a crawl lover that took everything and gave nothing in return.
In time I learned I had become my own worst enemy, and cannot be myself.
The spiritual recovery program asked certain questions of me and sadly did not like my own answers.
If the 20 questions was simple enough could not be honest about my own answers, over time I would learn to be more honest with myself and admit to myself that I had become a very unhealthy person.
If I would question why could I not be honest, why could I not be accountable and admit to my unhealthy actions, I could not freely tell people I love them, I could not ask for help, I could not take advice, I used to think that life was about who was right and who’s wrong
Because I felt so inept inadequate insecure I tried to regulate and control other people, this sadly adversely affected my relationship with other people.
In understanding serenity and my own limitations I now understand the only person I control and regulate this myself.
If a person is unhealthy in front of my face I am now able to speak up for myself from a place of peace, I surrendered to the fact that unhealthy people do not wish to or want to hear other people’s opinions because they are so narrow minded.
The wording in recovery for me should be that certain actions are recommended for my own benefit, the wording I should not, ‘cause an adverse reaction when unhealthy people hear such wording it implies to them that someone or something is trying to control.
As a child when I was told not to do something, I would do it in spite and because I was filled with resentments.
I used to be angry, correction very angry and did not know it, and sadly the person I was most angry at was myself, but could not admit it to myself.
Over time I would understand that their reaction from anger was due to feelings of pain fear or frustrations.
And over time I would recognize that when I was angry I hurt myself, I also hurt my relationship with other people.
In recovery I would learn to heal and nurture my pain, if I would also learn to face my fears and also except the worst that could happen so that I could put actions into my recovery.
The frustrations were often due to my expectations of others, things not going my way, people not behaving and doing things in certain ways to my way of thinking.
Frustrations became less and less once I understood the only person I control and regulate this myself.
And by doing things unconditionally for other people without any expectations I never disappointed, because I give of myself unconditionally I expect nothing in return.
By doing things for other people unconditionally I give of myself and by doing acts of kindness and caring to other people makes me feel good and proud of myself.
Sadly because I was never happy with myself or what I did I could never give myself approval credit or recognition.
The spiritual recovery program office us to progress, not for perfection, so I’m able to make a baby steps each day in progressing by spiritual values and actions.
It is very rare for people to stop gambling from day one on entry and GA, I think in the 40 years I have attended the recovery program I know only less than 10 people that stopped from day one, sadly I was not one of those people.
It took me over 22 years to learn to listen, now that is what you call a slow learner, the important thing is I got the message.
Step one is about acceptance, surrender, and understanding when life became a manageable it was not about the money for the gambling, it was about the fact I could not cope emotionally with feelings of pain fear frustrations loneliness or boredom.
In order to grasp recovery and grasp step one I needed to understand what might triggers were and when I felt most vulnerable emotionally.
Often people said but they escaped a gambling sadly they would not commit a hack fears, surely escape is fear based, and why could I not see and feel that fact.
It is important to understand the only requirement for the recovery program is a desire to stop gambling, a desire to stop gambling, how simple it could that be.
Each time I gambled I had no choice but to lie to myself and to everybody around me, each time I gambled I gave up faith and hope of myself, each time I gambled proved that I could not cope emotionally with life people and situations.
I crossed an understanding that just for today I will not gamble means just 24 hours I needed to abstain, that was all just 24 hours, just today became the foundation for my serious recovery.
It was important to have a wants and needs lists of things to do, and to change my expression from I have to, I need to or I want to.
So an important part of recovery is to have achievable goals, lists of things to do, and stay focused productive and creative in my thinking and in my actions.
I reached a point in my life where I was sick of being sick, only I can recognize that I was sick and unhealthy, covering was my conscious choice and I needed and wanted to value myself and value people around me.
Recovery and spiritual values and actions are my choice today, I’m not willing to give up face or hope in myself.
The recovery program never failed, I failed to work the recovery program.
My happiness today is my responsibility, my goal setting and achieving is my responsibility, and my reaction in anger is my responsibility.
If I have a new life today which I enjoy and appreciate and I am not willing to give it up for the sake of the bet or an unhealthy action

Once I abstained from gambling I was able to start the recovery program, if abstaining or only some for me was not recovery, abstaining was just me stopping hurting myself.

I have given up smoking not because of what other people think that because smoking was a form of self abuse, I gave up drinking tea and coffee because I felt it was unhealthy, I gave up call in myself names because I felt it was unhealthy.

I take my recovery seriously and unselfish about my recovery, I am focused and dedicated to being the healthiest person I can be spiritually today.

Love and peace to everyone.

Dave of Beckenham


Hi Jess

We all want to be healthy once more.

Yet sadly I had given up all faith on mysel so often it had become an unhealthy habit.

Our recovery is due to our baby growth healthy actions.

Love Dave