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Full Version: my bad habit
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My name is kat and im a compulsive gambler. Its been a year almost and its been a long hard road. I gambled for 2 years. It was a release for me to hide away from my problems. i was suffering with depression. I wasn’t happy with anything in my life. I was in a relationship that I didn’t feel was going great. In ways it was my fault for lying. But was to scared to say anything to anyone or speak the truth with my partner how I felt. So I gambled. Slot machines at first then roulette. It felt like a relief betting. And the excitement when I won. It helped with my depression. But at the time I didn’t realise I wasn’t winning. I was actually loosing. I always denied I had a problem. But who admits they have an addiction. I found out and realized a hard way. In some ways that’s why I am writing this. To help people realise that taking there is always help and light at the end of the tunnel. I got into gambling really bad one weekend. Well for a few months a was gambling everyday. I lost all my money and new I needed it for bills. So I decided to borrow some from work takings. I lost it all. I gambled a whole weekends takings. My world came crashing down. I didnt know what to do.
I went for a walk. Ended up on a bridge over a main busy road. Different things was going through my mind. I didn’t have anyone to turn to. I didn’t have anything worth living for. I didn’t want to be here and been wanting to escape the whole world and happily fall into darkness. I couldn’t do it though. I kept hearing a voice tell me don’t do it.
I walked away and ended up in a alley way. I felt so angry. I hit my head against awall. Over and over I ended up breaking my nose. I had to go back to work. I told them I was mugged. I should of jumped I thought afterwards. That week went by so bleak. I wanted to tell someone but felt so ashamed. I went shopping and went past all betting shops. I felt sick looking at them. I couldn’t go in I didn’t want to. I couldn’t concentrate on way back to my then partners house. All I could think of was the lies and the guilt was killing me. I missed the corner. I ended up hitting a tree. I thought I was then dying. Realising I didn’t want to. Praying the pain in my chest where my heart would go away, I came out with just whiplash and bruising. But I saw the crash as a sign of punishment. When the police came to question me a few days later about the mugging I had to come clean. Finally admitting I had a serious problem. And needed help. I was charged with wasting police time, theft and perverting the course of justice. Sent to crown court. The weeks running up to the trial I was a wreck. I lost everything. My home, my partner, my closest friends and my job. I still suffered with depression. I kept looking at a knife or pills for away out. But the times I went to do it. I heard the same voice telling me don’t. My family helped me. I started to talk to the guys on online gambling. I went to the groups. It was scary at first as in some ways I still found it hard to admit I had a problem. But sitting down and listening to the others explain there stories made me realise im not alone. I never was. It felt a relief to talk to them. It gave me the hope I needed to fight. They supported me. Some of them exchanged numbers so if I ever got the urge or needed to talk they was there for me. They supported me on the run up to court. I was facing a prison sentence. So I was a nervous wreck but the help of family and gamblers anonymous helped me stay calm. They helped me get through the difficult times on the run up to court and helped me find a job. They helped me admit I was a gambler but I could beat it.
So that’s my story.
I still get the urges.
And its something I learned will happen.
You just need to talk to some one when you do or do something active to over come it.
In ways I went to hell with my addiction. I chose the wrong path. But that path led me to the path I should of taken. There is always help no matter what. And my advice is to not be afraid! Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Do it befor you take the path I took. And if that’s happened. Always know that help is always there and there is always light in the darkest times.
You just need to believe. And believe in your self. Everyone has there own inner strength.
Ive written this as I hope it will help people and help someone more aswel who feels like I did.
Hope that it might just save one life. Because at the end of the day Saving one life saves a thoasand
hi KitKat.
thank you for telling your shows us all even me that there is hope