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Full Version: Open letter to a gambler.
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Guest

Hello all.
Please take this post in the manner in which it is intended.
I do not judge you, condemn you or intend to berate you.
I do not wish to forgive you, absolve you or take responsibility for your life.
I only want you to look through my eyes and see what I see.
I only want for you for 1 minute to feel how I feel.
I only want you to know you are not the only one who is lost.
The day I found out, the day I knew, the day my world fell apart, this day will live with me forever.
You were afraid of the truth. Desperation etched on your face.
You were consumed by your own misery, yet you thought this was new. For me I had been watching this for weeks, months years, unsure of what or who was the cause.
You started by telling me the facts, and while still reeling from this out poured the excuses. Low self esteem, no confidence, living a lie, not your fault, I should have known, why had I let you control the finances, why had I not stopped you?
You said you would understand if I left then begged me not to go.
You told me you understood that I felt betrayed but told me nothing had changed.
You said you loved me but knew this would tear us apart.
You said you understood my tears but didn't want to see me cry.
YOU, YOU, YOU!
While you told me everything about you, I was forgotten. Your bitterness and self loathing all encompassed you and you left me floundering.
This day was the very worst of my life.
I lost the one person I thought I could depend on.
I lost the absolute knowledge that you loved me.
I was left with broken promises and an uncertain future.
We are many months down the road. And you are gamble free. Your life is getting better, and you feel better than you ever have before.
I am pleased for you.
You are rightfully proud of your achievements.
You have your life back. And you say with my help you will only get stronger in your belief that you will not gamble again.
Just for today you will not gamble.
Today and everyday I relive the day my world fell apart.
Today and everyday I wait for you to see this hurt me too.
Please do not be offended, this was never my intent.
Good luck to all those who fight for a gamble free life
My thoughts are with those who support selflessly the gambler, recovering or not.
We are often forgotten.
Even when we are spoken about its often only to say how hard it was to tell us, how difficult it is to make things up to us.
I wish for all of us happiness.

Knighty

Seeing you at my meeting tonight really brought it home to me how much we hurt the people closest to us.

I thank you so much for talking in front of our group so openly and supporting your partner, you made so much sense with things that you said tonight and in this post.
we as compulsive gamblers have been the most selfish people ever and people who care like you do get overlooked as its not about you but always us!!....sorry for all the hurt we cause you

Thank you so much and I truly hope you can both get through this together

Knighty

Guest

Thanks for taking the time to reply.
Maverick, I am so pleased you have found a way to remind yourself every day of the hurt you have caused your wife.
This unfortunately is not always the case, as the compulsive gambler, in my experience often focus on how hard it is for THEM to admit the hurt, how hard it is for THEM to find ways to make amends .
But this is only my experience and my opinion.
Knightly, you get me! You did from the moment I opened my mouth to speak. You are the first person I have spoken to that actually gets it! If you agree or not is a different matter, but I thank you for having a mind open enough to see past the other things that surrounds this mess.
Although my invitation to ga has probably been rescinded, ha ha ! It was probably the only time I would have attended anyway. But I thank the group for extending its hand and allowing me an insight into it.
I wish continued success to all, and hopefully the peace that eludes me to those who support you.
Hi Guest,

Thank you for your post...

I too am a recovering gambler...

I am just glad that gam-anon (the support sister agency for gamblers families and friends) was there to help and support my family as I got the support from GA...

Details of gam-anon can be got off the main ga page or a contact can be found on the Contact us page...

Thank you again guest

Smartie

BDT

Hi Guest

Thank you for sharing your feelings and thoughts in a way that opened my eyes to how my partner must have felt 24 years ago when it all came out and then the time afterwards in recovery. I now realise from your words that it was all about me, my guilt, my self pity, my hell, my anguish, my disbelief, my shock, my pain, my tears, my anger, my problem and my recovery. It was all about me.

I was racked with guilt for what I had done to her but I had no real feelings. My gambling had taken away my feelings. I have since come to realise that gambling was an anastetic that supressed all feelings other than those few highs and many lows that came from my betting. When I told her I had lost my job because I had stolen money from my employers I shattered her dreams. We had only been in our new home 3 months but she had plans of how we would move up the property ladder every 5 years or so. I destroyed those plans.

Amazingly less than 4 months later we got married. We both later agreed that we should have delayed the marriage.

At my first 4 Open meetings I accepted my rewards for not gambling but each time my therapy did not include any reference to my Wife or her help in my recovery. I did not realise this until I stood up to collect my 5th year recognition. During this therapy I did say a big thank you to her and she responded by saying that she wanted to hear this previously but that it no longer mattered to her.

Until your posting I never really understood just how my me, me, me attitude would have affected her.

Even in recovery, despite learning that it is not all about me, I never put enough effort into our marriage. My recovery had to come first. Not suprisingly after nine and a half years she asked for a divorce. My gratitude for her for sticking with me during my weakest time was to grant her request with no hassle and no objections despite the fact that I still loved her and realy didn't want the marriage to end.

So in the end I was thoughtful towards her and had I been able to do that sooner we may still have been together today.

Your posting has brought all this back to me and for that I am grateful.

Take care


BDT