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Once I abstained from unh...
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Last Post: gadaveuk
23-09-2021, 03:06 AM
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I am addicted
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22-09-2021, 10:30 PM
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In recovery I would find ...
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18-09-2021, 07:47 AM
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Shoebox's Story
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18-09-2021, 07:12 AM
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Hi everyone!
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16-09-2021, 02:57 PM
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Serveral years gambling
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16-09-2021, 02:32 PM
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My understanding of step ...
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12-09-2021, 10:18 AM
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Understanding Step one an...
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Once I abstained from unh...
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07-09-2021, 06:13 AM
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How much more healthier I...
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05-09-2021, 10:26 AM
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  Once I abstained from unhealthy habits I could get motivated and become healthier.
Posted by: gadaveuk - 23-09-2021, 03:06 AM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies


Motivation was some thing I needed to learn and understand. Every time I did any thing for an unhealthy reason I cheated myself. If I did things out of duty I was cheating myself. If I did things out of guilt or shame I was cheating myself. If I did things resentfully or reluctantly I was cheating myself. For sure I was an adrenaline junkie life was not fast enough for me. If people love or hate me that is their problem not mine. What people think of me is not important I know the truth about myself. Is that inner child free today. Can I be free of all fears today. Can I be unconditionally honest today. Can I give of myself unconditionally today. Do I value time and people love today. Do I value people friendships and their love today. 

My healthy productive time and healthy relationships are very valuable and precious to me today.

Can I be myself today.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham

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  I am addicted
Posted by: shoebox - 22-09-2021, 10:30 PM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

I am addiction

I start in small subtle ways promising many things,

I promise you enjoyment and pleasure beyond your wildest dreams,

I deliver guilt & despair more horrible than your worst nightmare,

I promise you power & courage,

I give you feelings of powerlessness & hopelessness,

I will force you to live in fear always,

I promise you relief and escape from all your daily problems,

I create for you greater problems than you ever imagined,

I promise you many friends,

I allow you only isolation,

I promise happiness,

I create much sorrow, I will steal from you your dignity ,your families, your friends, your children, your homes, your demons, your spirit & your life, for love, freedom & happiness are impossible to find in my presence,

So never underestimate me,

I am devious & manipulating,

I have no preferences as to who I pick as my victim, rich or poor, young or old, black, white, yellow or red,

I have killed men, women & children,

I have no conscience.

So if you have met me, always be aware if you think you can beat me that I will be gone from your life and all will go well again.

Never forget that I will always be there, waiting in the dark shadows just around the corner.

I am very patient and I will laugh in your face if I can lure you into my evil world of hell on earth once again.

I am addiction

Writing taken from the "GA Red book android app"

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  In recovery I would find out I was emotionally vulnerable that I needed to heal
Posted by: gadaveuk - 18-09-2021, 07:47 AM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies


My Name is Dave I am a compulsive Gambler, on day one in recovery it was hard to admit that simple fact.

I use to think that I would be happy once I was able to abstain from my unhealthy habits, was it really that simple, not so, the recovery program was about a healing process, and I could get healthy until I admitted to myself I was unhealthy.

Today it is simple to understand that my addictions and obsessions were just the symptoms that I was emotionally vulnerable.

I understand that on walking in to the recovery program I was not an evil person,  I was not a bad person, I was not a stupid person, I understand that I had been a victim and would continue to be a victim until I spoke up for myself.

Because I was emotionally vulnerable only indicated that my hurt inner child had not been able to heal his pains, my hurt inner child had not been able to face his fears, my hurt inner child had built high walls around him built on fears to save the inner child from being hurt again, a way of self preservation.

Even the walls of fear were there to protect the hurt inner child, the same walls of fear were going to restrict the hurt child from having healthy intimate relationships.

There have been many ladies who have told me that their husbands are only able to talk to me at any intimate level, the question why is that so, I think it is because they are interacting with the inner child with me, people often feel very comfortable talking to me.

I am not a counsellor yet I am often able to have empathy when dealing with pains of the past not yet healed or resolved.

I did not know that I was putting on a facade a show to pretend that I had all the answers, that was not true, there was one time at an airport Shirley and I were preparing to fly from, Shirley asked me how was I, I told her I was panicking, Shirley would not believe me.

I was very clever at hiding my fears my anxiety and my stress, so I thought, one might question was Shirley securing based up on my security.

While in action I feared being honest, I feared people finding out how insecure inadequate and inept I felt with  in myself.

There have been times in my life where I was offered promotions, each time I declined. 

Do not get me wrong if some one wanted help, I would help them on an anonymous basis. I was asked to do reports on other peoples work that again I did not do, loss of memory.

At one time I was advised that if I did not take the promotion I would most likely loose my job, I still declined, and they did not fire me.

I have suffered many kinds of abuse, I have been kicked in by 4 or five people, I have been knifed, I have been  bottled, I have been hit and run twice, I have been is a state physical trauma I could not feel any pain what so ever, I was advised to go home to bed and keep warm, the next morning was one of the very worst states of pains I have been in my life.

Sadly the unhealthy side effects of trauma is obviously pains, yet also comes the ability close your self out from the world and its people. The other side effect is a reduced response time, a lack of senses, and sadly an inability to learn and absorb education and information.

By being in  the recovery program I would start to understand my emotional triggers, I would be able to understand more about my rage and anger, the hardest for me was my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations, by me having unreasonable expectations I was in effect hurting myself, yes I was causing myself unnecessary pains. 

By accepting the serenity prayer I am a non religious person, accepting the serenity prayer I am reducing unreasonable expectations of people life and situations.

The meetings and more so therapies raised questions that I wanted to understand more.

I am very blessed that I have met many people over the world, and the meetings after the meetings gave me not only more insight but helped me improve my intimacy with complete strangers. Some times 2 or 3 hours would seem like half an hour.

Thee was one meeting I went out of my way to get to in England, the therapies and honesty were very powerful for me, some of the contacts were so healthy for me.

I have been in recovery since 1969, yet the simple question why is  it that I only have 29 years clean of Gambling, am I that slow of a learner, sadly when I walked in to recovery I had lost all confidence in myself, I felt like I had no value, I felt so ashamed of myself, the guilt and pains were breaking me up.

It took me along time to understand there is nothing I can do to change the past, what pains I have caused on others and myself cannot be taken away, I needed to understand if I am going to heal it is all up to me.

Learning from the past is healthy, living in the past is healthy, if I try to blank things out I am only hurting myself, if I do not reduce my fears I am sabotaging my future.

Money will not bring me happiness, money on its own will not bring me happiness, money just gives me more choices, if I am being unhealthy and go on holiday I am taking my own worst enemy with me.

At what point do I value myself, at what point do I write down my needs my wants and my goals. At what point do I get my ass in to gear and become more productive and more self sufficient in my skills.

I could not at peace with other people until I was at peace with myself.

I could not love other people until I loved myself.

I could not respect other people until I respect myself.

I could not trust other people until I trust myself.

I could not be intimate with other people until I was intimate with myself.

I could not be tolerant and patient with other people until I could be more tolerant and more patient with  myself.

Recovery is about just for today one single day, it all starts with one simple thing, Just for today only, I will not Gamble, then from that we can achieve so much more in our life.

Using the telephone extends our communication so much more, when you feel vulnerable make a call to a healthy person who will help you feel less emotionally vulnerable.

Talking people down from a vulnerable situations often turns out to be a two way street, by helping others we help our self.

It is very funny as we all grow together we still feel like we are at the same level of recovery as we use to be, not so by having a collection of people who are more stable emotionally and by sharing therapies we see our self in others as we were but more importantly how healthy we can become.

Love peace and serenity to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham.

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  Hi everyone!
Posted by: Mart1n82 - 15-09-2021, 07:38 PM - Forum: Share Section - Replies (2)

Hi, I'm very new here, so please bare with me if this is all wrong.  I was an online gambling up until last September, I would gamble away my wages and more often than not spend my rent money (bearing in mind I have a wife and four children) my wife finally caught me and I promised I would never do it again. However,  in July I had a relapse and gambed £xx online, which might not seem a lot,  but again I was found out (only 2 days ago) and now my relationship is on  knife-edge. I thought it was only a relapse, but then I've realised. I like a drink ( another issue i have to deal with) and when I go out I would play the fruit machine and have done all the way through and it would be every time I go out. So my addiction hasn't gone anywhere I've just moved to a different aspect. I do enjoy Gambling,  but its ruining everything I have and I need to stop.
I'm sorry if it doesn't make sense. I just wanted to get it out there and hopefully there's some advice here that will me? 
Many thanks

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Tongue Serveral years gambling
Posted by: Stevejwright - 14-09-2021, 12:36 AM - Forum: Share Section - Replies (2)

Hi, I'm new round here, well new to making posts anyway. In a nut shell I have been gambling, with the problems most problem gamblers have, for about 10 years, and I would say the early years were troublesome rather the last few years, maybe 5, which I feel I have no control over. I have tried many things, self ex, gamstop, gamcare etc, all of which have been some use but none seem to help me 100%. I dont blame the above its is me as a gambling addict.  I am a middle aged man and over the last few years I have been addicted to, sports betting, mainly football,  which I haven't done for about 12 months now, to be replaced by slots, online, which I have now banned, and then bookies, which I banned about 4 months ago, but now I often find myself in arcades or bookies in different areas, my job takes me over large parts of the UK, mainly from the Birmingham area south covering most of Central/Southern England as well as the majority of Wales. Apart from banning myself from every arcade (or similar) from all these areas I know I dont have the resistance to not go in, god knows I have tried, I know I am not the only one, i read many of the posts, i absolutely hate this addiction, it seems something that maybe there isn't any way of stopping this, although I see some or many people have. I often gamble with the thought not of winning but of hoping I lose so therefore I might be able to break this horrible thing, doesn't work though and no I don't win either. Sorry I am just letting off a little steam. I hope everyone on here manages to stop this addiction one day, I think that would make everyone happy. Sorry it was a larger nut shell than originally thought  Huh

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  My understanding of step four and why I feared being honest.
Posted by: gadaveuk - 12-09-2021, 10:18 AM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

My understanding of step four now is that we learn to look at our self and it is not to beat ourselves up or others, it is not to guilt trip our self or others, it is understanding our past experiences and understanding what is unhealthy and what is healthy.
The reason for me why I feared being honest, is as a child when I was asked to be honest, I was punished for it and caused many types of pains.
I was punished by physical ways, I was punished in emotional ways, I was punished by being humiliated shamed and put down.
Being in the rooms of recovery is about finding a path to healthier ways and to heal our hurt inner child.
Often people find that by doing step four you think you have done everything then later on further pains of the past come out.
Why should we do step four in a healthy way, to not fear being accountable to our self, the first seven steps we have no dealings with other people, us being accountable to our self is to be honest with our self, to identify what is healthy and what is unhealthy, to make decisions to move from unhealthy habits into healthy spiritual habits.
I am a non-religious person, yet I understand that in the past I would justify to myself saying or doing unhealthy things because of my unhealthy reactions to people life and situations.
So, I understand today that my conscience is spiritual based values, when I justify saying or doing unhealthy things, I am hurting myself and I am hurting other people.
So, as we go back as we write things down from our past, we reduce the fear we live in, as we do so more deep seated unhealthy things come out and we start to peel back the onion and let the pains of our past come out and the main thing is the more pains that come out the more we are able to heal the pains and our fears reduce.
I understand that every painful trauma that I experienced has consequences fears, fears also come about to the guilt pains we put our self through, by doing step four we start to understand our unhealthy reactions to our pains fears and frustrations cause us to hide in our fears and suppress our pains.
A lot of people will react in unhealthy ways when they have lost their money and caused them self-more pains, they will blame the gambling establishments, they will blame the dealers, they will blame the fact that people and places are unlucky for them.
The simple fact no one made me gamble, the gambling establishments never stole my money I gave my money to them willingly.
The deeper I get in to step four the more I get the past exposed and the more I can understand and the more I am able to deal with.
One made question is made a fearless moral and financial inventory of ourselves, the easy one is the financial part we have no money or funds, that is simple, moral inventory is a simple way did we say or do things that went against our own conscience, did I  lie, did I  betray peoples trust, did I  become more unstable and more unreliable, did I  betray peoples love of me and cause them so much pain they found it hard to live with me.
Step four is often done over and over again, in hearing other people’s therapies we will identify our self in other people, both healthy and unhealthy, as we feel our self in other people we recognize how much more we need to heal and change but it sometimes seems impossible to love our self, but it sometimes seems impossible to forgive our self, and forgiving is not about burying and suppressing it is about peeling back the onion and letting the pains and tears come out.
How do I know if I am working the recovery program, people close to me no longer live-in fear of me, people close to me no longer live in fear of having a voice with me which is based up on peace?
The addictions and obsessions were not me being selfish, the truth was the addictions and obsessions were a form of self-destruction of myself and others.
In recovery find it hard to set boundaries, that comes with time and it important that healthy boundaries are set from an expression of peace.
My boundaries should not be from an unhealthy reaction anger rage threatening behaviors.
Often to set a boundary I will remove myself from a situation thinks over and talk later on when people are not so controlling or angry.
So the more we get honest without self the past gets less and less painful, in ways the pains being open heal and we no longer feel pains when talking about them.
As a teenager I tried to take my own life, I did not tell anyone, I simply took a few things and went to sleep, the next morning I felt a complete failure, I could not even do a job of taking my own life.
Just after that event a married couple came into my life and gave me a childhood I wanted and needed, they were nurturing and loving, they were not living in fear or stress, they gave of them self to me unconditionally, we went shopping together, we fished together, the sleep overs were incredible.
That couple gave me what I needed and wanted and were things my mother could not give me. 
Up to over 90 years of age my mother lived in fears.
Just before mother passed away, I was able to share some of my recovery with her and I helped her understand that in the past there were several very unhealthy things said and done on every one’s part and that was no longer important, he most important thing that day was the fact I loved her very much and that I no longer feared her. That I was willing to give of myself to her unconditionally, from that moment onwards our relationship changed towards each other and to ourselves.
Having said that and meant it I was never going to live in regret of my mother’s passing.
I understand it is possible to heal the pains of our past even if someone has passed on, the healing of our pains is for us.
Some might even think that healing the pains of our past is not that important, for me it is healing our inner child so that they can come out to play without any fears whatsoever.
By burying and suppressing pains some might think that is the healthy path, if I was not healed, I would be living in the fears of my past.
For me every pain of my past carried the consequences of fears that I needed to face and reduce.
Pains healed fears faced sets me free to live an honest open relationship with myself.
When my pains are being healed, I learn to have a healthy empathy for myself, only when I have a healthy empathy for myself, only then I can have a healthy empathy for other people.
In my experiences there have been many people ask me if I am a counsellor, I just laugh and say no, and they are surprised by my answer.
Children and dogs warm towards me, I understand often children talk to me quite openly, I understand today they are not talking to Dave the adult they are in fact talking to little David the healed inner child.
Some people often question why I often use Dave of Beckenham as my AKA, the came about back in the 1970 in Croydon, there so many Dave's that they gave us second names, as I lived in Beckenham that is how it came about, there was Dave the painter etc.
Once step four is done in a healthy way, to understand our unhealthy reactions, to understand our emotional triggers, and we start to open to understanding how unhealthy we were but more so how to deal with things in a much healthier way.
How could it take me so long to learn and understand how important therapies were to speed my recovery and my healing, how long to understand that when I went back to my addictions and obsessions was a symptom that I was emotionally vulnerable, that the highs of my addictions and obsessions were not happiness but were the buzz adrenaline rushes.
In my recovery over time, I would give up most kinds of risk taking, it was healthier doing it that way.
I am a non-religious person, yet I do understand how important spiritual values are in my life.
That by me having spiritual values I strengthen my own conscience.
Today I am more stable, today I am more loving, today I am more respectful, today I am more patient and tolerant with myself, today I am more motivated, today I live in far less fear, today I am less likely to procrastinate, today I am more reliable, today I am more open to discussion, today I am liking myself more and more. 
Love and peace to everyone.
Dave L
AKA Dave Of Beckenham

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  Once I abstained from unhealthy habits I got to be a more caring healthy person
Posted by: gadaveuk - 07-09-2021, 06:13 AM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies


It took me along time to understand that my addictions and obsessions were just indicators that I was emotionally vulnerable and the fact my inner child needed healing.

For me a recovery program means healing, yet my healing could not start until I stopped causing myself pains.

I like many people think that money would make me happy, then again everyone has a different idea what is happiness,

The anger and rage that came out of me only indicated that I needed to learn how to heal the hurt inner child in me.

The words I used like I have to indicated that my thinking was obsessive, in time I would be accountable to myself and write down my needs my wants and my goals and reach a place where I felt more productive in my life and in my actions.

Often recovery meetings raise more questions than answers, often after meetings people would find people to interact with and find more stimulus from one-to-one chats.

As your fears reduce your trust grows and as you have a better relationship with yourself you find you have better relationships with other people.

In my experience the men find it harder to open up emotionally, often wives and ladies say that their partners open up to me, I was the same way, yet once everyone heals those communications become much easier.

Having a sponsor is a two-way street, it enables people to share more on a one-to-one basis and humps people get over the tests we have in our life.

In my past having such high expectations caused myself lots of pains, I was in effect hurting myself by having such high expectations, only once I reduced my expectations helped me to be far less angry.

A person once asked me why I was so polite grateful and open, it was, I was expressing my values, that people do things for me are appreciated, by not showing grateful I was taking everything for granted.

As I show more and more appreciation and gratitude my relationship improves with complete strangers, they often do remember me and my healthy attitude.

There was lost of abuse in my childhood, lack of nurturing love and affection, sadly I took it internally that it had some thing to do with me, that was not true.

The things I did not receive in my childhood had nothing to do about me, people were often filled with fear ad trauma of their own experiences, in time once I understood their limitations my relationships changed, and my frustrations melted away.

Now at 74 years of age I understand that once I took recovery seriously, I got well and tested and that was part of my recovery, to get resolve in my life so that I could live in peace.

Every painful event, every trauma caused fears in me that I did not understand, the question is, can any person heal their pains, can a person face and understand and then reduce those fears without understanding the pains that caused them.

Yes, for sure, for me some traumas were buried so deep I did not have any recall, they were in effect buried so deep I could not recall the memory.

In my teen age years, I did not understand my feelings and emotions, I could not talk to anyone, I could not or would not articulate my feelings and my emotions.

In my recovery I was asked have you tried to take you own life, I said no and I meant it, yet later on once my inner child was healed and healing suddenly the memory came to surface, it was so clear the memory that I knew here I was, what bed I was sleeping in and even recalled the smells of Dettol and lavender in my grandmothers cottage.

Then I understand for time I was not able to or ready to face my vulnerability at that time. I also understood that certain people came into my life at important times, they were nurturing people, they were spiritual people not necessarily religious people but hey in effect gave me a sense of safety and inner peace that carried with me for a lifetime.

So the addictions were not selfish actions they were in effect self-destructive actions.

The addictions and my obsessions were a form of escape emotionally and in time being in recovery my need to escape would get less and less.

Sadly, the consequences of physical and emotional abuse cause confused trauma that adversely affects our ability to take in absorb retain information and it adversely affects our awareness.

Having a healthy nurturing sponsor will help decision making and reduce the effects of trauma in our lives, not every is even aware of how much stress anxiety they carry with in them self.

The question is why vulnerable people procrastinate so often and limit their commitments, is it lack of confidence, is it lack of self-esteem, is it fear based or feeling unworthy, how long to understand that our commitment is to our self-first of all.

How often do people instantly feel guilty from receiving a gift or a compliment, how can that in any be health, we cheat our self by living in the guilts of our past, how can that in any way be healthy.

What is success, is it about money, is it about what people think about us, one day I met a man who was very wealthy, my question o him are you happy reaching you goal with all this money, he laughed at my question, do you think my goal in life was money based, I said yes to him, he explained his goal in life was to be successful in what he did and what he said, because he is very successful the reward happened to be more wealth, but his goal was never about money.

So it comes down that in my recovery, the question is how committed am I to fulfill my needs my wants and my goals, success is never given to us, it is earned by our healthy actions, it is earned by our healthy words and our dedicated commitment, to not give up on our self.

Before coming to Canada, I had never done dry wall stud walls or done floor plans for a basement construction, I had never done tilling, I had never done irrigation, I had never done concrete walls, I had never repaired plumbing leaks, I had never laid grass or laid new grass, in fact there many things I was so nervous to try.

In the old days I would try to get some one else to do things for me, that was not healthy, so in time I asked people to show me how to do things for myself. It takes longer yet more self-rewarding, I did it.

The more you get into recovery the less you will talk about gambling or money lost, in time you will forgive your self and just understand that you were a very unhealthy person.

True forgiving is not burying or suppressing things, it is truly about healing the pains of our past, to forgive unconditionally, without no hesitations whatsoever. Not healthy is gained by living in the pains of our past, we learn from our unhealthy past and let go of it.

One could say that I have an obsession with ancestry research, it is often some thing I do during the night, it is a kind of research, finding out facts for yourself and even sometimes other people.

With mixed clues you find family links that no one else could find it is challenging. Some links I have found go back to 1500 – 1700, it is all good stuff. I do not choose research in place of spending time with family.

After abstaining from unhealthy habits, you have more healthy things you can do, one was travelling going to places you could only dream of at one time, yet on some holidays I found out that I could take my own worst enemy with me, in time I would identify the fact I still had certain control issues which were very much fear based.

Am I able to like myself today, am I able to respect myself today, am I able to respect love myself today, am I able to be more patient and tolerant with myself, in past time I user to be very hard on myself and call myself very unpleasant painful names?

In the next week or so I will be having 29th birthday meeting to show appreciation to the people at the meetings for helping me became a person I can like love and respect today.

Love peace and serenity to everyone

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

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  How much more healthier I can be with my life today
Posted by: gadaveuk - 05-09-2021, 10:26 AM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies


On walking into the recovery program I honestly believed the only thing I wanted in my life was to stop gambling. If I could do that I would be happy.

That was not true, I even thought that the recovery program would stop me gambling, that was not true, the recovery program would help me help myself.

My addictions and obsessions indicated that I was emotionally vulnerable, I was not weak bad right wrong evil or just no good, the simple fact I had suffered many kinds of abuse pain and suffering and if I wanted to I could find a much healthier life.

My addictions and obsessions were only the symptoms that I could not cope with my feelings and my emotions.

There will be many people who will say that an addict is selfish, that for me was not true, selfish I was not, I was in fact self-destructive, not only was I destroying myself I was also destroying my family.

Shirley my wife would say it was not the money lost it was the lies and betrayal that hurt her, no matter how much money I lost she just wanted to know if I was gambling or not.

The word recovery for me means healing, in time I would get honest with myself an admit that I was not willing to or wanted to heal the pains of my past.

So the moment you cross that line and move on from telling how much money you lost, where you gambled, to just give an honest therapy about how vulnerable you were or are today.

No matter when my last bet was to keep attending meetings. To not make excuses why you    would not or could not go to meetings.

The recovery program is about a commitment to myself, not for another person, not out of guilt or shame, no remorse just go because you do want to become selfish in your healing process.

As my honesty grew my fears got less, every secret is fear based, by not being honest to yourself you are cheating yourself.

I had my list of things to do today, some were needs and some were wants. The more effort I put in to my actions and my words the more I get from my new found skills.

I do not fear being honest, I enjoy expressing my gratitude and appreciation, it helps my relationship with other people.

One day I had ordered a meal, on eating the meal I found a piece of paper still between the cooked meat.

In the old days my instant reaction was to take it personally, to get angry and then I wanted to transfer my pains and frustrations on to other people.

I did not want  to offend or hurt anyone even myself, on seeing the waiter I asked if I had to pay extra for the pieces of papers on the meat part of the meal.

This kind of humor stopped the person from feeling vulnerable, the way I said it was non-threatening, the waiter even cracked a smile, I said quietly and thoughtfully.

Now did I want to embarrass any person or myself. Did I want discount or something for nothing? No I wanted someone to learn from their mistake.

When I get an exceptional meal I will ask the waiter to give the chef my compliments.

After the waiter heard what I had to say and saw the paper I was offered free deserts.

I  thought about it and declined the free offer politely, I did not want or need a desert, and we left the restaurant feeling was done in a healthy way.

There are going to be people who will not wear a mask, there are going to be people who will not get injected, that is their choice.

I do not wear a mask out of fear, I wear a mask because I respect myself and value my health today.

There was a time when I use to justify my unhealthy smoking, I do not smoke today because it is unhealthy for me and people around me.

In two weeks’ time I celebrate 29 years free from gambling, it is custom for us to buy our own food and drink items.

I celebrate to show people how grateful I am for them being there for me, I now know for sure reading books was never the answer for me, it was through all people therapies that we see and feel our self in other people, both the healthy and the unhealthy.

We see who we use to be but more importantly we see our self as we can become.

There have been meetings where people have not talked at all until four months later on in the rooms.

That was very powerful of the room to let the person come out when they were ready to do so.

If I was not willing to or able to admit that I had pains with in me that I could not deal with.

When raging anger came out of me that indicated that my hurt inner child was not healed or resolved.

If I am living in guilt shame or regret I am living in the pains of my past. Learn to heal my pains and move on from my past sufferings.

If I am filled with hatred my hurt inner child is not healed, if I am wanting vengeance my hurt inner child is not healed, if I am sulking my hurt inner child is not healed, if my expectations are unreasonable my hurt inner child is not healed.

Every pain in my life caused fears in me that I did not understand.

In my recovery I would stop being the victim and learn to have a voice for myself built on peace.

I did Karate for two years that did not stop me from being the victim.

How much do I value myself today, have I stopped beating myself up, have I fore given myself for being such an unhealthy person.

Am I able to express myself in a healthy way without adversely affecting another person.

Have I given up saying to myself I have to, it implies I do things reluctantly,  it implies I do not understand what is a need and what is a want thing.

In my life I have had over 37 jobs, on the last job I was thinking of moving on, I asked myself what is my problem, I did a full inventory the work itself as an engineer, the management, my work hours, the travelling, the communications, my direct bosses, and finally I found out that I felt like I was being controlled.

My feeling controlled was all down to my fear and control issues, in all honesty being on the road I was my own boss, yet by being honest to myself I could understand my fears and m insecurities.

To go from my fears which were 10 out of 10 to single numbers was very powerful.

One day travelling with Shirley she asked me how I was feeling, I told her I was panicking, she could not believe me, Shirley said she wanted me to be completely honest with her.

In time I understood that my fears become other people fears, that my security became other people security .

My intolerance and my impatience on other people only indicated how intolerant and my impatient I was with myself. How hard I use to be on myself.

There are more days I am feeling more successful in myself, I use to think that having money would make me feel successful in myself.

Not so now, being successful is down to my healthy actions and my healthy words.

I use to feel so helpless so useless, I use to feel such a failure, Now I feel connected with all people, I feel like I am a part of.

Love and peace to everyone.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham

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  Steps made simple for me to understand.
Posted by: gadaveuk - 22-08-2021, 11:57 AM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

12 steps of spiritual recovery simplified for me

Step one we admitted we were powerless over gambling - that our lives had become unmanageable.
For me step one at first in my recovery I wanted to blame the gambling establishments for my pains fears frustrations and how I felt, the simple facts the gambling establishments did not make me do any thing I did not want to do.
Sadly, long before I took up my addictions and my obsessions I was living in my many fears and was emotionally vulnerable long before my addictions and obsessions.
My addictions and obsessions were the symptoms that I was emotionally vulnerable, when I was feeling my pains my fears and my frustrations, I would escape from facing my feelings and my emotions.
For me once in the spiritual recovery program I would both understand when I was emotionally vulnerable and how to deal with things in a healthier way without escaping or deviating any more.
Step Two Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to a normal way of thinking and living.
For me Step Two because I was a non-religious person, I would understand that spiritual values alone are the basis for healthy relationships with myself and other people.
For me the people’s therapies, their experiences and new-found skills would help me exchange unhealthy habits for healthy habits. But it was important for me to be honest with myself.
That being consumed by my addiction and my obsessions were not healthy for me.
In time you learn to trust the recovery program and you learn to trust yourself and have hope and faith in yourself once more.
Step Three Decided to turn our will and our lives over to the care of this Power of our own understanding.
For me Step Three is about boundary setting, because we start to value our self, once we set boundaries we do it for our self we set boundaries from a place of peace, not from rage, not from anger, boundary setting means we value our self, the most important boundary is just for today I will not gamble.
Step Four Made a searching and fearless moral and financial inventory of ourselves.
For me Step Four is not about beating our self-up, it is also not about guilt tripping our self, or making our self feel bad, step four is about identifying the difference between what is healthy and what is unhealthy, as we get more honest with our self-first of all, and that is the build up to getting honest with other people over time.
Step Five Admitted to us and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
For me Step Five again it is not about right wrong good or bad, it is about identifying in our past behaviours unhealthy habits what was healthy and what is unhealthy, and in some way can we start to overcome the deepest-seated fears of emotional intimacy.
Step Six Were entirely ready to have these defects of character removed.
For me Step Six yes as we get honest, we identify our actions and words and by getting honest can we move from unhealthy habits which adversely affect our self and other people and change those into healthy habits and understand that unhealthy words and actions will adversely affect other people and our self.
To understand that every action and word in our life has consequences.
Step Seven Humbly asked God (of our understanding) to remove our shortcomings.
For me Step Seven the impact word is shortcomings, which indicates to me my failings and my deficiencies.
Before recovery every unhealthy habit or word would have failings indicators in our self and our relationships.
Due to a very unhealthy dysfunctional family people would blame escape responsibility, a dysfunctional family will want to keep goings on in the family home quiet and secret so that the victims do not speak out.
A dysfunctional family lacks healthy spiritual interactions, a dysfunctional family is not able to be nurturing and encouraging, a dysfunctional family is often living in fear and guilt, it was about bullying manipulation and causing fears in the home and keeping very unhealthy secrets.
Step Eight Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
For me step eight this is us being accountable to our self-first of all, is being free to be open about our past, to understand that our unhealthy actions habits or words adversely affected other people, causing them pain fears and frustrations.
Step Nine Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
For me Step Nine is about repairing relationships with other people if they can talk to or communicate with, it is important once we take responsibility, we in no way justify our unhealthy actions unhealthy habits or unhealthy words.
Just because we are honest and willing to repair relationships does not mean that people will heal from their pains, we caused them right away.
Sometimes people were living in their pains long before we came in to their lives, Do we understand our lies were a betrayal of their trust in us?
Step Ten Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
For me Step Ten at the end of each day am I doing inventory of myself and being accountable to myself, was there any thing that I did or said that adversely affected another person, can I learn from that experience in any way.
Step Eleven Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
For me Step Eleven in the spiritual recovery program as we face our fears, increase our trust in others and in our self, by this time we have not only recognized our pains but started to heal them, by this time we have faced each fear as we identify each one, and of course understood our frustrations and by reducing our expectations of people life and situations have stopped causing our self-pains.
Step Twelve Having made an effort to practice these spiritual principles in all our affairs, we tried to carry this message to other compulsive gamblers.
By demonstrating healthy spiritual values, respect, tolerance, healthy honesty, empathy, gratitude and appreciation, intimacy, sincerity, nurturing and encouraging, in depth therapies, no more unhealthy manipulation, no more unhealthy trying to control or regulate other people, to not take responsibility for another person progress in their recovery.
For me Step Twelve with each newfound skill, we are no longer the victim, we are no longer the perpetrator, we have had demonstrated to ourself how to be patient tolerant with our self and other people.
The newfound spiritual strength values and interactions we are no longer a threat to our self or other people, our fearlessness becomes other people fearlessness, our trust becomes other people trust, so we no longer have fear of emotional intimacy.
In the recovery program it was very important for me to become a very selfish person, to put value to myself and others, the spiritual recovery program is about healing our hurt inner child.
Any person religious or not can get healthy is they seriously put in the work.
The money was the fuel for my addictions, you can take away my money, yet the hurt inner child is still living in fears and wanting to escape in other ways may be in obsessions of any type.
To understand that our fears cannot be resolved with money alone.
To understand that our pains cannot be healed with money.
To love is to give of our self unconditionally, in being healthy to do things because we want to do them with no expectations what so ever.

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  Each Time I went back to my unhealthy addictions what was the emotional trigger
Posted by: gadaveuk - 21-08-2021, 05:35 AM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies


Each time I went back I could to my addictions I started to learn and understand what my last emotional trigger was.
I was very poor at reading people body language when I told them I was at it again.
Their sighs and looks were not critical of me, there were in fact feeling my pains and my suffering.
You see when we go back we help people see them selves and their sufferings.
I know for sure that fear would not stop me from being self destructive.
In fact it was often fear that caused me to try and escape people life and situations.
I learned that I had a common fear of being honest. 
In time I understood that my fears of being honest I associated with being honest as being painful.
When ever I was honest as a child I was often caused pain physical pains critical pains rejections pains and peoples disappointment in me, fear of failure.
As I found more and more about what I wanted and needed from the meetings I was able to give deeper therapies from different times in my life.
In other peoples therapies I would not only see myself but also feel for myself and other people.
Only once I had empathy for myself could I have empathy for other people.
The recovery program was all about healing my hurt inner child.
Yet in time the buried and suppressed feelings and emotions would come to surface, from the deep buried subconscious to the conscious mind, and then I could heal from the deepest hidden pains.
Recently there were discussions of our deepest fears, it was a very healthy meeting, we are able to talk and discuss about how those fears adversely affected our lives.
In time in my recovery I would exchange from very unhealthy habits in to healthy habits and I was able to become more and more productive in my life.
I use to recognize that I was not a very good planner, I use to jump at things and not work things out in an organized way.
The old saying measure twice cut once.
At the beginning of my life I was very fear based, very limited very inept very inadequate and very insecure, I use to tell jokes so that I could get closer to people.
In the old days I use to go to a pub because I was not able to open up with out having a drink in me.
Drinking and being in the pub was a kind of shallow social club.
I did not have any qualifications when I left school at 15 years of age, nothing what so ever.
In time I learned electronics, I was an electronics inspector, I went to college and did evening classes.
I found that every tool I bought would learn that in time saved me money.
In time I became more and more self sufficient, I was able to listen to good healthy advice.
I use to ask people to do things for me and I use to think I was clever doing that way.
Then I got in to the healthy habit of asking people to show me how to do things for myself.
People would say it was quicker for them to do it for me, yet by letting people things for myself I was cheating myself.
I use to fear computers, so what did I do I became a computer engineer.
The recovery was going to be a guide to me finding a healthy life slowly by taking baby steps day by day.
As I identified my fears and they reduced my trust grew in myself, and in other people, I started to trust myself more and more.
There was less lack of confidence there was a willingness to persue new goals new needs and more wants.
Recovery is an eye opening experience. 
I have lost count the number of times people have used to light bulb moment when they finally understood, that text and words turned in to live understanding and wisdom.
There was one person who lived on the streets, he found a job, rented a place, studied and learned, found a partner and got married, he then got a mortgage and had a very healthy family.
The painful past experiences no longer hindered him in his being healthy his self discovery and his healthy healing process.
It is often said n the rooms that you only get out recovery that what you put in to it.
When things go very seriously pear shaped in my life I understand that my recovery is being tested.
Love and peace to every one.
Dave L

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