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  Pregnant and just discovered partners gambling
Posted by: Mairead93 - 12-06-2020, 07:09 PM - Forum: Share Section - Replies (2)

I am new to this site but sadly not new to this problem. I was in a relationship 2 years ago with a problem gambler and we were really in love but I ended up leaving him because of his gambling. I had to turn my whole life upside down, leave my job and home and move back to my parents house. Things got better, I got some counselling and met someone new. He seemed so different from my ex and I told him about what I'd been through and was actually coming to the end of my counselling when we met. He told me he had no interest in gambling and never had done. He came across as this really straight up, steady guy with a bit of a cheeky chappy personality. I completely fell for him and we've now been together for a year and a half and our first baby is due in august (I'm 29 weeks pregnant). We moved in together in March into a lovely home and everything was fine accept he started to say he was feeling low because of lockdown and work related stress etc. On Monday I got a call from our landlord saying our rent hadn't been paid for two months and we were in arrears. Everything is in his name so I confronted him but thought it must have been a mistake. He told me it was an error on the standing order but admitted that he knew it hadn't been paid but thought he would get away with it as they hadn't noticed and thought this might help him at after a bad month of comisssion during lockdown. I was really angry but he broke down and said that he has been hiding how low he is because I'm pregnant and brought up loads of stuff he'd never told me from his childhood and about the anxiety he hides. I felt sorry for him but I als still felt suspicious because of my past relationship so I asked him explicitly if it was to do with gambling and he said no. The next day (tues) I asked to see his accounts to check the rent had been paid and he made excuses. He previously told me he had 7 grand in savings for our baby so I asked him if he didn't want to show me because he didn't have savings and he admitted that he didnt. I asked again about gambling and he stared at the wall for ages and then finally said that he 'does have a bet sometimes'. I feel like my world shattered and I just knew how bad it was. Of course he broke down and it all came out about the debt, the lies, etc. 
The thing I can't get my head around is that he knew about my past, knew I'd been through all of this and didn't want it and knew how broken it had left me after my ex. But he lied and made me think he was the opposite and used my trust issues against me to hide in plain sight. He would say things like 'just because you've been treated badly before doesn't mean I'm like that' and 'I want to be your rock and look after you.' The most heartbreaking thing for me is that we are now having this baby and I feel like I've had no choice about who its dad is because he lied. I wanted so much better for the baby and he has robbed that from me and ruined my memories of my pregnancy. 
My choices now are to move back to my parents and go it alone with the baby or to take him back and try and support him to get help. He says he has self excluded and his dad has his bank cards. His dad has asked me if I will take financial control. He says he has looked up a meeting to go to. And he is very broken and sad himself which is also horrible to see but I am so angry at the same time. 
I don't know if this is something I have subconsciously chosen for myself again without realising but I feel so embarrassed and confused and hurt. I am supposed to start counselling next week again but it feels so far away. Do we have any chance of getting back the trust and having any kind of normal relationship again or am I better off cutting my losses and leaving him? 
Sorry for the long post I just didn't know what else to do and feel so lost and hopeless. 

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Posted by: JoshE123 - 11-06-2020, 10:42 AM - Forum: Share Section - Replies (6)

So, I'm returning to GA after 2 and a half years away from it. Previously I'd been attending GA for over 19 Months. I'd done over a year and a half without gambling. A year and a half of attending meetings, these accrued from doing 3 meetings a week, to 2 meetings a week, gradually decreasing to 1 a week and sometimes 1 a fortnight. I knew my meetings were important and I knew I should keep attending, but funnily enough the best piece of advice you are always given by any member of GA is - Don't stop attending meetings. I did the opposite and it has conjured to my downfall. 

As an overview I started GA when I was 21, wasn't in the worst position in the world but I knew my gambling was a sever problem. I was with my previous partner at the time, who'm I'd been with since I was 14. I stopped gambling, I attended GA regularly I saved well and we bought a house together, but I wasn't fulfilled. Things happen and cut a long story short, we broke up and I found Love elsewhere. I wasn't bothered about the house or anything like that and initially I didn't go back to gambling. 

Myself & my new partner worked at the same place and due to previous hurt, we both put each other under a lot of stress and I could feel old tendencies creeping back in. I believe I am somebody who doesn't know myself and my own mind that well and that is another thing along my stopping gambling journey I am looking to fix. I began to tell lies again and I began to be a deceitful person. I was doing corrupt things that I shouldn't have been doing and I was out a lot and I started to take drugs. I've always known escaping from negativity is something I look to do instead of facing things head on & this is exactly what I did, I replaced the Gambling with the drugs but soon before I knew it they would come hand in hand.

I had to resign from my previous job, a really good job that I not only liked but also was really good at it. Through fault of my own I had no option but to resign as I was likely to be sacked. My partner stuck by me and helped me through this period. Whilst unemployed though I did not help myself or my family who supported me. I reverted and did the complete opposite. I went right back to gambling. Whilst trying to find a new job, I would pass time by gambling. I took out several unsecured loans and got myself into a mess. Of course I kept this all secret and hidden and during this my lies got even worse.

I managed to get a new job and I began it in March this year. A job I am doing well at and a job that helps me make all the minimum repayments, but not really a job that helps me live, so after I make the payments I am still trying to borrow money from friends. When the pandemic started, it should have been my opportunity to help myself and make large payments each month of my debts, however I didn't, I gambled more and more. It got to the point last week where I knew I was done and I knew I needed to stop. 

I come clean to my partner who now has left, but not due to the gambling, due to the lies I have told her and hurt I have put her through during the 2 years. She would have stuck by me and helped with the gambling side of things, but one too many lies has hurt her too much and she has hit a point. This hurts a lot and I know I need to ensure I focus on Just For Today, but losing Love makes things hard and I think a lot of people will reciprocate with me on that. 

After I come clean to my partner, it was time to tell my family. They both already knew, my mum & dad they both knew. They sensed changes within me and they could tell. My mum previously had come to meetings with me specially the meeting where I received my 1 year pin. They handled it really well and are supporting me really well. They've both helped with the unsecured loans I have and that has eased the burden a lot, even though they both knew it should not be them to do that they have helped. Next week I will finally be receiving my settlement from the previous house I did have with my ex partner and the vast majority of that is going on clearing other debts, so I can start again. I know its going to be a tough road, but I am 8 days in now and just as determined as I was the years ago when I started GA. 

I want to better myself as a person now and be again the person I was whilst I wasn't gambling. I know I may have lost the person I love, but I know I need to focus on the things I can change and not on the things I can't. I still have GA literature from when I previously attended and 'Just For Today' is helping a lot currently. 

My last bet was 3rd June 2020 and long may that continue.

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  I use to feel guilty ashamed embarrassed of who I use to be
Posted by: gadaveuk - 04-06-2020, 04:33 PM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies


I use to feel guilty ashamed embarrassed because I felt that I could not help myself from being consumed by my addictions and my obsesssions.

I am a non religious person and questioned if I could become healthy and whole being a non religious person.

The reason I escaped to my addictions and my obsessions was because I lived in so many pains and fears of my past.

By me being consumed by my addictions and my obsessions was an indicator of how emotionally vunerable I was.

The pains of my past had caused so many fears in that I did not understand.

One unhealthy habit was to beat myself up.

I thought that I did not want or need to go to meetings yet over time I would identify it was very important for me to find a healthy life and make healthy choices.

When I procrastinate who do I cheat, myself, I understand that every thing I did and said in my past can not be changed.

Yet by attending meetings and share my therapies I would identify myself humbled to be equal to all people no matter when I had my last bet or said or did things unhealthy to myself and other people.

Just because from beginning I did not gamble did not mean I understood how unhealty I had become.

The therapies the sharing exposing more and more of myself made me less vulnerable and helped me see and feel myself in other peoples pains fears and frsutrations.

The reason I feared being honest was because as a chid when ever I was honesst I was punished for it in one way or another.

My impatience and intolerance indicated how hard I was on myself.

The recovery program would help me open up more and learn to trust more,  trust myself and trust other people.

The recovery program would help me heal my pains and feel my pains, it would also help me learn to love myself.

I was not able to be loved until I learned how to love myself.

I was going to learn to be more self sufficient to learn new skills.

I use to fear failing, so why try if I am going to fail, the recovery program would help me understand that to not try to do thing I was cheating myself.
My confidence my self esteem would come about my own healthy actions and my own healthy words.

I asked my wife once what was love, she smiled it was giving of your self unconditionally expecting nothing in return.

I spent most early part of my life with such high expectations that I was causing myself pain each time, the serenity prayer helps me understand that by reducing my expectations of people life and situations I would stop causing myself so much pain.

The serenity prayer helps me understand that the only person I can change is myself.

The serenity prayer helps me understand that I am not able to save other people if they are not willing to make changes in their own life.

Before my recovery I was so much in to blame escaping responsibility and not being accountable to myself.

I felt that there was nothing I could do or say  that would change my future.

The recovery program was only a manual to a healthy life, just reading text was not going to change my life.

I most certainly was a victim of many pains in my life which caused many fears in me that I did not understand.

I could have quite simply remained a victim and changed my life in any way.

For a victim is a person who has not healed from their past and they seek and feed on pity and sympathy.

Sadly the most empowering understanding si that victims remain victims because they are nto able to stand up for them selves.

To stop being the victim required me to speak up for myself from a place of peace.

Why is it that certain people remain victims most of they life, and sadly feel that they do not have any choices in their life.

In the last week there were two things I was going to work on I was not very confidence on getting the result I wanted.

Sadly those two things did not work out as I wanted, they remain broken, do I beat myself up, do I lose my confidence and self esteem.

I have put them to the side and will gain more knowledge and expereince and will try once more.

I do not like hearing my own voice as I feel that I sound more like a preacher.

There was a time when I could not or would not try to talk in large public areas of than in small meetings.

Then there was a lady who got me to do a talk at a conference, I thought it was going to be a living nightmare.

Not only did I do it but I aslo find that time went so quickly I could not believe it was over.

Do I demonstrate what recovery is all about.

Am I able to articulate my feelings and my emotions so that people know and understand at what level of emotional stablity I am at any one time.

And when I am emotionally vulnerable am I able to help them understand the feelings I am going through.

Being at peace with my father and my mother was very helpful for me, to not have fear of both parents was very empowering.

Am I able to heal my pains today, am I able to face my fears today, am I able to reduce my frustrations today, am I able to be more at peace with myself today.

Being a part of the recovery program I am able to extend myself even more day by day, to learn from my past and not live in it.

There was one person who at a meeting said that he was glad that he was a compulsive gambler, my first reaction was are you mad, the he explained that if it had not been for his addictions and obsessions and the recovery program he would never have found out how unhealthy he was.

As I grow and even some times mature the choices I have a increasing to a much healthier level of realtionship with myself.

No one in the world has to live with me, do I want to be ashamed of who I am today, or do I want to be proud of myself today.

I could not get healthy and heal my pains if I was not willing to change being in the recovery program.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham.

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  I use to fear questions I use to fear being honest today I am an open book
Posted by: gadaveuk - 29-05-2020, 05:06 PM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies


Before my recovery I use to fear people giving me advice, I thought that were trying to control me and regulate me.

I use to fear being honest, as a child when ever I was honest I was punished one way or another.

The spiritual recovery program helped me understand that I was not an evil person, that I was not a bad person, the healthier people spiritual in the recovery program helped me to understand more about myself.

It was possible for me just to sit and listen and hear the therapies how people use to be but more importantly to understand how much potential there was in me if I willing to invest more time and energy in to healthy habits.

Fear not only limited me but it stunted me from having healthy interactions with all other people over time.

The healthy people in the spiritual recovery program helped me understand that I was only emotionally vulnerable.

That in truth I was a survivor because of all the painful experiences I had survived during my life.

One day I did an inventory of just my body, there was a cut with 6 stitches due to a knife wound, that was a cut from a broken bottle, there was leg broken in several places, yet none of these wounds had the unhealthy impact of my emotional abuse experiences, there was neglect due to my parents carrying a lot of pains from their past.

Sadly I had been a victim on several occasions I experienced emotional abuse, I had experienced sexual abuse, I had experienced physical abuse, and had not healed from those times.

Even in knowing how painful those experiences of abuse were I use to dump on other people when I thought I could get away with it.

So at what point do we no longer lash out due to the pains of our past, at what point do we heal the hurt inner child.

The spiritual recovery program helped me talk about my experiences, it was about money and gambling at first and then over time we talk about our feelings and our emotions, we start to understand when we are emotionally vulnerable and talk things out with a trusted person.

With more therapies the fears reduce and our trust grows, I started to understand what anger was, I started to get more patient and tolerant with myself, I started to trust myself first of all, then I started to trust other people.

With step five it was very much about over coming my fears of emotional intimacy.

Talking and sharing was empowering, how honest I could would be dependant on my fears.

The spiritual recovery program helped me understand that the person who walked in to recovery day one is not the person I am today.

The spiritual recovery program helped me understand that I should live completely in today, by healing the pains of the past those fears would reduce in me, to no longer fear today or tomorrow, but to embrace every exereince when things go pear shaped we understand that our steel and our recovery is being tested once more.

The spiritual recovery program helped me understand that life is ever changing, it is about growth, it is about healing and becoming more and whole with in myself.

Before my recovery I use to focus and think that happiness and being successful would come from money or material things.

To change from with in comes about how we change about our self internally.

That true happiness is about inner contentment.

Any thing went missing my instant reaction was it was some one else, that instant was a very unhealthy reaction.

Wanting to or needing to blame other people is much less as I got healthier in myself.

Being accountable is not about beating people up, by owning from my mistakes and unhealthy ways I can learn to not do them any more.

There was a time I thought that the recovery program was going to control my life, how wrong could I have been, the recovery program was going to help me understand the full potential that I have with in myself.

The recovery program was going to help me understand what is healthy and what is unhealthy in my life and how to change things for the better.

On me walking in to the recovery program was empowering for me, yet I did not know it as so.

The recovery program was going to open up my eyes to living my life with out my addictions my obsessions and being able to live my life today with out any fears.

Love and peace to everyone

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

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  My control issues were fear based and indicated how insecure and adequate I was
Posted by: gadaveuk - 27-05-2020, 04:49 AM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies


The recovery program was not about people trying to control me or my life.

The recovery program was going to help me understand how unhealthy I was.

The recovery program was never going to change me that was my choice, my conscious decision to understand that I was being unhealthy.

The choice was totally mine, in hearing and seeing other peoples therapies I would see and hear myself.

The recovery program was going to help me heal my inner child, to help me communicate in healthy ways.

As I opened up more, as I gave up talking about money addictions obsessions and get focused on how I could become a healthy and whole person.

Did my addictions control my life and my choices, no it was very much fear based issues, I could not be myself, I could not be honest at any depth, I use to live in fear of being honest, .I use to live in fear of emotional intimacy.

So as I got more honest with myself I was able to be more honest with other people.

As I got more respectful of myself I was able to be more respectful of other people.

Only when I learned to love myself only then I could love other people.

It seems very strange that from out side of myself I would appear to be a very confident person.

In time I would understand that was a facade, a show to fool people that I was not a vulnerable inadequate insecure person.

It was the help of healthy sponsors and honest sharing that I was to blossom and to grow.

I use to have great fears of talking to lots of people, this was very apparent before me giving a talk in some conferences.

Now I am easy talking to groups of people in recovery locations.

I use to fear that some one would ask me a question I could not answer, low and behold one day I was asked a question I was not sure of.

My response was to laugh and be honest about my ignorance.

As we all give up our addictions and obsessions and put time and energy in to our recovery that change comes with in us.

Step five helps us understand our fears of emotional intimacy.

Step five helps us open up more and more about our past experiences both healthy and unhealthy.

One of my biggest fears was step four, yet in time as I wrote down more , as I understood that step four is not about causing our self more pains or more fears, step four was identifying what was healthy and what was unhealthy about our past.

The reason I feared being honest from a very early age was because when ever I was honest about any thing I was punished and caused many pains including physical and emotional pains.
It was along time before I understood that my unhealthy reaction in anger was due to pains fear or frustrations.

Only once I understood my unhealthy reaction in anger I was able to heal my pains, face my fears and reduce the pains of my frustrations by reducing my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations.

By reducing my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations, I stopped hurting myself and causing myself so many pains. 

As I grew matured healed in my recovery program, my fears reduced, my procrastinations reduced, my fears reduced, my anxiety reduced, my impatience and intolerance reduced, as my unhealthy reactions reduced,my healthy interactions 

For me change was slow and moving from rebellion reluctance to enthusiastic healthy motives took some time.

The recovery program was very slow baby steps to ope up more heal more and to get my ass in to gear.

There are talkers and there are walkers in the recovery program, I know that recovery is far more than quoting texts from books.

People learn from healthy examples.

The recovery program was a very slow healing and maturing program.

I was encouraged to go to the meetings, no matter when my last bet was, no matter if I had no money keep going to the meetings.

I use to think that paying back debts quickly was very important, then it was explained that paying back debts was a slow process.

Think that paying back debts quickly was not healthy, I put myself under pressure which not healthy for me.

Love and peace to everyone.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

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  First Post
Posted by: Cdclfc00 - 24-05-2020, 08:22 PM - Forum: Share Section - Replies (2)

Hi everyone, this is quite hard for me to write because I'm not entirely sure what to say.

I feel I've got to a point where I need to make a change, I'm slowly getting worse and I'm not totally at destructuon point but it wont be long. 

Just writing this out to a bunch of strangers who may not even read it and dont need to reply makes it real, which is what a need, a reality check. 

Any advice would be appreciated but I am tentatively making the first steps to change.

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  Online meetings
Posted by: Keith810 - 22-05-2020, 06:56 PM - Forum: Gamblers Anonymous Q & A Section - No Replies

Hi everyone. 

Returning to GA after a long absence, of course you all know the reasons someone returns after a time away. I am no different. 

I’m based in the midlands and am no longer in any of the WhatsApp groups I used to members of. Does anyone have any idea if there are any zoom Or online meetings taking place over the next week? 



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  Before my recovery I was not evil bad stupid, I was just emotionally Vulnerable
Posted by: gadaveuk - 21-05-2020, 07:35 AM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies


Today I am more and more appreciative of how much fear use to limit my life.

I was like a rat in a wheel going faster and faster getting no where healthy.

All the time I was emotionally Vulnerable I did not feel that I could help myself.

I use to think that my addictions and obsessions use to control my life.

The adrenaline rush, use to be such a high to me  to the point I thought that I loved gambling.

Today I understand that every pain I experienced caused fears in me that I could not explain or understand.

The recovery program was never going to make me do any thing I did not want or need to do, that was going to be my own life.

The spiritual recovery program was going to help me not only be emotionally detached from Gambling but to not fear it any more.

One thing was hard was to slow down my pace, to slow down my thinking, to not react in such unhealthy ways.

The spiritual recovery program was a non religious thing to me.

My conscience was based up on spiritual values.

In time my sharing with people grew and grew, the idea of sponsorship was no longer inhibited by my fears,  a healthy sponsor would not judge me, a healthy sponsor would not bully or manipulate me, a healthy sponsor would help me over come my fears of emotional intimacy.

I have been going to meeting for over 50 years, I have gambling free continued for 20 years, people ask why go to meetings, if you have not gambled why go.

I attend meetings to learn more about myself, to heal that hurt inner child more and more, to become more and more self sufficient, to learn more about healthy interactions, to reduce my fears even more, to learn to love myself more and to learn to love other people more.

To love other people so that feel more and comfortable with in the recovery program.  

The spiritual recovery program was going to help me understand my needs and write them down, to help me understand my wants and write them down, to help me understand what my new goals are and write them down, to extend myself, to achieve more with my life and my potentials.

There was not one person that stopped me from achieving more from my life, I gave up blaming the world and other people for me being short in my actions and my words.

The spiritual recovery program was going to help me learn and understand what were healthy motives in my life, to not do things resentfully, to not do things conditionally, to not do things to person please, to not do things seeking approval, to not do things living in fear, to not procrastinate and put things off, to not live frozen in fear.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

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  I was not able to express a gratitude appreciation or patience before my recovery
Posted by: gadaveuk - 20-05-2020, 04:37 PM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies


I was not able to express a gratitude appreciation or patience before my recovery and questioned myself why not.

What was gratitude appreciation, in time I understood by expressing my  gratitude and appreciation ws an expression of how healthy my values were.

My lack of patience and tolerance only indicated how hard I was on myself.

The recovery program could not resolve my unhealthy attitudes that had to be my own choice.

One day when were in Florida we were just leaving our hotel room.

There was a lady in the corridor cleaning other rooms.

I asked Shirley to go on to the lifts while I talked to the lady.

I asked the lady cleaning the rooms did you clean our room, her very first reaction was shock or fear on her face.

The lady cleaning the rooms said yes, I then thanked her for doing a very good job and let her know that she was very much appreciated.

The change in the ladies face was very powerful to me.

Then I walked on to join my wife and I asked myself why could I not be so grateful and show it to all people.

That experience changed me in some very healthy ways.

Was it healthy to take so many people for granted.

So to express a gratitude and appreciation was an expression of my values.

It was not person pleasing, it was not trying to get some thing for nothing.

One day I was having a meal with another person in recovery, it was a great meal and I asked the waitress for the bill.

The waitress leaned over and whispered in my ear there is no charge.

I was completed shocked and surprised, yet I could not believe what happened.

It was the very first time that had happened to me and I talked about it with the other person.

Did we both think that if we had not been in our recovery that would have happened the same way.

So my healthy interaction with all people changes how I feel about myself and other people.

The thinking is that we are not able to change other people in our life.

Is that true, surely our being in recovery helps us come out of our self in healthy ways.

Do our healthy actions words interactions help other people nurture and encourage them self to come out even more.

The therapies we give not only help us open up more, to let our hurt inner child to come out more.

The therapies help us reduce our fears but open us to more trust.

To live my life today with healthy interactions rather than reacting in unhealthy ways.

My rage my anger only indicated that my inner child was not healed as yet.

How much do I value myself today.

How much time and effort am I willing to put in to my recovery today.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

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  No more.
Posted by: Bubba55555 - 18-05-2020, 05:55 PM - Forum: Share Section - Replies (1)

My name is Gary. My last bet was 00.30am 18th May 2020.
I am determined never to bet again.
Never to spawn my energy, time or money on the hateful gambling.
I am so much better than just an addicted gambler. I will always love the buzz and addiction, but I know I value my time and family more.  
I just wanted to tattoo this down somewhere public for myself. 
May the universe be kind to me and show me the light and way forward.

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