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  Each Time I went back to my unhealthy addictions what was the emotional trigger
Posted by: gadaveuk - 21-08-2021, 05:35 AM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

Each time I went back I could to my addictions I started to learn and understand what my last emotional trigger was.
 
I was very poor at reading people body language when I told them I was at it again.
 
Their sighs and looks were not critical of me, there were in fact feeling my pains and my suffering.
 
You see when we go back we help people see them selves and their sufferings.
 
I know for sure that fear would not stop me from being self destructive.
 
In fact it was often fear that caused me to try and escape people life and situations.
 
I learned that I had a common fear of being honest. 
 
In time I understood that my fears of being honest I associated with being honest as being painful.
 
When ever I was honest as a child I was often caused pain physical pains critical pains rejections pains and peoples disappointment in me, fear of failure.
 
As I found more and more about what I wanted and needed from the meetings I was able to give deeper therapies from different times in my life.
 
In other peoples therapies I would not only see myself but also feel for myself and other people.
 
Only once I had empathy for myself could I have empathy for other people.
 
The recovery program was all about healing my hurt inner child.
 
Yet in time the buried and suppressed feelings and emotions would come to surface, from the deep buried subconscious to the conscious mind, and then I could heal from the deepest hidden pains.
 
Recently there were discussions of our deepest fears, it was a very healthy meeting, we are able to talk and discuss about how those fears adversely affected our lives.
 
In time in my recovery I would exchange from very unhealthy habits in to healthy habits and I was able to become more and more productive in my life.
 
I use to recognize that I was not a very good planner, I use to jump at things and not work things out in an organized way.
 
The old saying measure twice cut once.
 
At the beginning of my life I was very fear based, very limited very inept very inadequate and very insecure, I use to tell jokes so that I could get closer to people.
 
In the old days I use to go to a pub because I was not able to open up with out having a drink in me.
 
Drinking and being in the pub was a kind of shallow social club.
 
I did not have any qualifications when I left school at 15 years of age, nothing what so ever.
 
In time I learned electronics, I was an electronics inspector, I went to college and did evening classes.
 
I found that every tool I bought would learn that in time saved me money.
 
In time I became more and more self sufficient, I was able to listen to good healthy advice.
 
I use to ask people to do things for me and I use to think I was clever doing that way.
 
Then I got in to the healthy habit of asking people to show me how to do things for myself.
 
People would say it was quicker for them to do it for me, yet by letting people things for myself I was cheating myself.
 
I use to fear computers, so what did I do I became a computer engineer.
 
The recovery was going to be a guide to me finding a healthy life slowly by taking baby steps day by day.
 
As I identified my fears and they reduced my trust grew in myself, and in other people, I started to trust myself more and more.
 
There was less lack of confidence there was a willingness to persue new goals new needs and more wants.
 
Recovery is an eye opening experience. 
 
I have lost count the number of times people have used to light bulb moment when they finally understood, that text and words turned in to live understanding and wisdom.
 
There was one person who lived on the streets, he found a job, rented a place, studied and learned, found a partner and got married, he then got a mortgage and had a very healthy family.
 
The painful past experiences no longer hindered him in his being healthy his self discovery and his healthy healing process.
 
It is often said n the rooms that you only get out recovery that what you put in to it.
 
When things go very seriously pear shaped in my life I understand that my recovery is being tested.
 
Love and peace to every one.
 
Dave L

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  Did my addictions and obsessions control me and my thinking
Posted by: gadaveuk - 03-08-2021, 06:46 AM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

I am Dave I am an addict and was very unhealthy and very obsessive but now in my healthy healing recovery.

Why did I keep going back to my unhealthy addictions  and why was I so very obsessive.

I did not understand that for me to heal and become healthy and whole once more would take along healing time.

By attending meetings I would start to understand what I needed to do for myself.

By attending healthy meetings I would see and feel myself in other people.

I felt on walking in to meetings that I was a very weak person.

Yet because of my fears I would try and show a clever facade that indicated that I was in control.

Because of my deep seated fears I use to think that I was a weak person.

In time I would understand I was not a weak person but in truth I was a very vulnerable person.

Being in my recovery I would understand that when I reacted in unhealthy ways I would not hurt myself but also hurt other people.

By attending meetings I would start to understand that there was a hurt inner child who had not been able to heal and grow up to be a healthy mature person.

My anger was an unhealthy reaction to my pains not healed.

My anger was an unhealthy reaction to my fears not faced.

My anger was an unhealthy reaction to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations.

My emotional triggers were my pains my fears my frustrations due to unreasonable expectations, my feelings of loneliness and my feelings of boredom.

My feelings of loneliness were my trust issues, my fears of emotional intimacy.

My feelings of boredom were due to the fact I was not being a healthy productive person.

I had in my life experienced many forms of abuse, sadly all forms of abuse and neglect adversely hampered my healing and maturing process.

I had in my earlier teen age years tried to take my own life by taking medications I thought would end my life.

It was so horrific what I was going through I could not or would not talk any person because I had trust and very insecure feelings and emotions.

The addictions and obsessions were a form of escape and a way of deviating facing dealing with myself.

So to become a healing healthy person I needed to abstain from some unhealthy habits.

The money was never going to make me feel successful in myself.

The money was never going to heal my hurt inner child.

The money was never going to make me feel productive confident or spiritually healthy.

The money was just the fuel  for my addictions.

I use to dread going to work on Mondays, I use to wish my week away.

I use to think that intimacy was only a sexual thing.

I use to think that I would never be able to fulfill my needs my wants or my goals.

The abuse and trauma in my life adversely affected my ability to learn listen and grow up healthy. 

The therapies would open me up slowly and carefully so that I could stop living my life in fear.

I use to think that risk taking was fun and happiness.

I use to think that money would make me feel happy and content.

I use to think that money would make me feel more loving.

I am a non religious person, I am a person who lives with out fears restricting my life today.

I was not able to love another person until I loved myself.

I was not able to respect another person until I respected myself.

I was not able to be tolerant and patient with another person until tolerant and patient with and at myself.

My lack of appreciation and gratitude indicated indicated that my values were not very high in myself.

The recovery program was never going to do things for me.

The recovery program was going to get me to get my ass in to gear and I was going to help myself become a healthier person each day.

Less fears less anxiety, less procrastination, less time wasting, less unhealthy reactions, less excuses and more productivity.

There is not enough time in the day for me today.

There is more balance in my life today.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham

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  No matter what it is important to keep going to meetings and mix with healthy people.
Posted by: gadaveuk - 22-07-2021, 05:44 AM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

There were many times during the beginning that after going back again and again to my unhealthy addictions and unhealthy obsessions I wanted to not face myself.

Each time I went back I could start to understand what my last emotional trigger was.

I was very poor at reading people body language when I told them I was at it again.

Their sighs and looks were not critical of me, there were in fact feeling my pains and my suffering.

You see when we go back we help people see them selves and their sufferings.

I know for sure that fear would not stop me from being self destructive.

In fact it was often fear that caused me to try and escape people life and situations.

I learned that was a common fear of being honest. 

In time I understood that my fears of being honest I associated with being honest as being painful.

When ever I was honest as a child I was caused pain physical pains critical pains rejections pains and peoples disappointment in me, fear of failure.

As I found more and more about what I wanted and needed from the meetings I was able to give deeper therapies from different times in my life.

In other peoples therapies I would not only see myself but also feel for myself and other people.

Only once I had empathy for myself could I have empathy for other people.

The recovery program was all about healing my hurt inner child.

Yet in time the buried and suppressed feelings and emotions would come to surface, from the deep buried subconscious to the conscious mind, and then I could heal from the deepest hidden pains.

Recently there were discussions of our deepest fears, it was a very healthy meeting, we are able to talk and discuss about how those fears adversely affected our lives.

In time in my recovery I would exchange from very unhealthy habits in to healthy habits and I was able to become more and more productive in my life.

I use to recognize that I was not a very good planner, I use to jump at things and not work things out in an organized way.

The old saying measure twice cut once.

At the beginning of my life I was very fear based, very limited very inept very inadequate and very insecure, I use to tell jokes so that I could get closer to people.

In the old days I use to go to a pub because I was not able to open up with out having a drink in me.

Drinking and being in the pub was a kind of shallow social club.

I did not any qualifications when I left school at 15 years of age, nothing what so ever.

In time I learned electronics, I was an electronics inspector, I went to college and did evening classes.

I found that every tool I bought to learn with saved me money.

In time I became more and more self sufficient, I was able to listen to good healthy advice.

I use to ask people to do things for me and I use to think I was clever doing that way.

Then I got in to the healthy habit of asking people to show me how to do things for myself.

People would say it was quicker for them to do it for me, yet by letting people things for myself I was cheating myself.

I use to fear computers, so what did I do I became a computer engineer.

The recovery was going to be a guide to me finding a healthy life slowly by taking baby steps day by day.

As I identified my fears and they reduced my trust grew in myself, and in other people, I started to trust myself more and more.

There was less lack of confidence there was a willingness to persue new goals new needs and more wants.

Recovery is an eye opening experience. 

I have lost count the number of times people have used to light bulb moment when they finally understood, that text and words turned in to live understanding and wisdom.

There was one person who lived on the streets, he found a job, rented a place, studied and learned, found a partner and got married, he then got a mortgage and had a very healthy family.

The painful past experiences no longer hindered him in his being healthy his self discovery and his healthy healing process.

It is often said n the rooms that you only get out recovery that what you put in to it.

When things go very seriously pear shaped in my life I understand that my recovery is being tested.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham

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  Understanding my unhealthy addictions and unhealthy obsessions
Posted by: gadaveuk - 19-07-2021, 03:28 PM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

It took me a very time to understand that my escaping to my unhealthy addictions and unhealthy obsessions was a way of me scaping in my fears.

I had suffered many pains in my life and with every pain came fears I did not understand.

My unhealthy addictions and unhealthy obsessions indicated that I was emotionally vulnerable.

In truth I was not a weak person, I was just emotionally vulnerable.

Sadly because there were many pains not healed I also feared emotional intimacy.

It was pointed out to me by a stranger that every fear I had was a way of protecting my hurt inner child.

In time I gave up talking about money lost, I gave up talking about the adrenaline highs and risk taking.

In sharing my therapies I was able to talk about my emotionally vulnerability.

I talked about pains I could not heal, fears I could not face.

I talked about my frustrations due to my unreasonable of people life and situations.

In time I talked to people who like minded and wanted healing and resolve with their life.

My fears use to be 10 out of 10.

Anxiety panic fear stress were an every day issue for me.

No matter how many times I came to a fear I would procrastinate and put things off.

For me to procrastinate is a very unhealthy habit, to procrastinate things pile up on me and fear grows and confidence drastically reduces.

I use to blame every one and every thing for how I felt, I use to think that some thing would be lucky for me, that some how I had not accepted that my destiny in life was not in my control.

People did not steal money from me, I gave my money away thinking it would change my life having a big win.

It has been proven many times that when people come in to a sudden huge amount of cash it can ruin their life.

Today I understand that money would not change my life, money would not reduce my fears, money would not heal my hurt inner child, money would not heal my relationships with other people.

That money would not make me more confident in myself.

It was very difficult for me to exchange every unhealthy habit with a new found healthy habit.

It was very difficult for me to show appreciation and gratitude towards other people.

It was very difficult for me to show patience and tolerance at myself.

It was very difficult for me to learn from my mistakes and to no longer be hard on myself.

There was nothing I could do or say that would make people forgive me, that was their choice.

Often the meetings caused more questions than answers, after the meetings we would have talks and discussions with other like minded people.

It was very powerful talking to like minded people after the meetings, it would often go on for hours.

It was so stimulating that time went by very quickly.

For me opening up my shares gave me a rapid growth in my recovery.

Writing things down took time.

Writing down my needs, my wants, my goals were all important.

As my inner child came out to play the healing was able to start.

Being the victim had nothing to do about size weight color sex it had every thing to do about me being able to talk out for myself.

To set boundaries has nothing to do about other people, to set boundaries from a place of peace was important.

If you meet aggression with aggression nothing is resolved, things escalate to a very unhealthy situation.

I have often walked away from people who do not listen to my boundaries.

My creating skill have improved so much, working plans out has so much improved, I use to lack confidence in myself,  I use to fear emotional intimacy.

I married my wife Shirley not knowing what love was, I married my wife not able to respect myself or respect other people.

I got married back in 1969 yet even though I was physically over twenty years of age, emotionally I was very young child who had not grown up to be not very healthy.

The recovery program was going to control my life, the recovery program was going to help me make healthier choices with my life.

People will often hear the wording a person was a dry drunk, that was some thing I did not understand, today I understand that abstaining on its own was not enough, only by me abstaining could the healing process start in my life, the choices was to take a healthier path in my life each and every day.

Talking with like minded people was important to my life.

Recovery and healing takes time.

Each day the choice is mine.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L.

AKA Dave Of Beckenham

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  Do I understand what my emotional triggers were or are today
Posted by: gadaveuk - 22-05-2021, 11:06 AM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi
My name is Dave I am a compulsive Gambler.
I have been able to work with my recovery which in time helped me heal from the pains of my past.
In time all the time I was consumed by my addictions and obsessions I was becoming more and more unhealthy and even more vulnerable.
I was not an evil person, I was not an bad person, I was a person who was very unhealthy emotionally vulnerable person, who when I could not cope with people life and situations I would try to escape one way or another.
In time I would learn to abstain from one unhealthy habit, only for me abstaining was going to be the start of the healing process.
Why did I think that I loved Gambling, silly me it was not love at all, it was risk taking and very much adrenaline based.
Deep down I was a very inadequate insecure inept person, I was just not aware of what my emotional triggers were.
For me my emotional triggers were my pains I could not heal, my emotional triggers were my fears I could not face, my emotional triggers were my frustrations due to my expectations I could not reduce of people life and situations, my emotional triggers were my feelings of loneliness, my emotional triggers were my feelings of boredom. 
Every pain in my life caused fears in me that I did not understand, I would understand that I can face my fears with out understanding the pains that caused those fears.
Why could I not be honest, well it was simple every time I was asked to be honest and own up I would be punished.
Why did I fear emotional intimacy, well simple I was often hurt by people that were close to me.
No one could stop me gambling, only when I accepted that simple fact it would be easier for me.
My control issues were fear based.
One very simple fact that my anger was a very unhealthy reaction to my pains my fears and my frustrations.
The question is for myself is being angry healthy, if it is unhealthy how do I change my unhealthy reactions to people life and situations to becoming more stable in myself.
The unhealthy level of reaction could often be described as rage from with in.
My rage in my anger was often not to what was happening at that one moment but a build up of unhealthy reactions to events from my past.
I use to say that I wanted justice for the pains of my past that were not healed.
I use to say that I was angry at the casino, how healthy it is to be angry at a casino or angry at a person working there, they did not take my money from me, I gave it to them willingly.
The simple fact no one made me gamble, no one took my money from me, I did it willingly.
Some people will say that a compulsive Gambler is selfish, that was confusing that saying, for me a compulsive Gambler is self destructive, not the same thing at all.
What feelings did I have with in myself on leaving those unhealthy places, for me I was in pain, I was angry at myself, I felt like I had lost control in my life, I felt hopeless and useless, I felt even more inadequate and insecure in myself, I felt inept and inadequate,  and most important I felt more insecure in myself than before I went back to my addictions.
My addictions were a form of escape when I was not able to cope emotionally.
In my life was I a victim, oh for sure, no doubt about it what so ever.
How did I understand what a victim was, for me things were done and said to me that adversely affected me in so many ways, it adversely affected me in my grow as a person, it adversely affected me to able to heal and move on from my past.
Why would a person continue to allow people to adversely affect them, this point is important to make a decision to stand up for one self, not from rage or anger but to talk out from a place of peace.
To be able to articulate your self in very healthy ways.
Some people will find it very hard to remove them self from the threat of very unhealthy manipulating people.
There is setting boundaries, this is a new found healthy skill and is very powerful.
Before my recovery I was a very angry discontent unhealthy person.
My frustrations were due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations.
Will unhealthy people get healthy because I am in a recovery program, you are joking right.
By reducing my expectations of people life and situations I stop hurting myself.
My loneliness was due to my fear of emotional intimacy.
To move away from talking sad war stories over and over again would take me some time.
To give a therapy would get me out of living in the past and get me focused on my commitment and on to healthy motives. 
 For the recovery program to work in time requires our commitment, to identify what is unhealthy and what is  healthy, to over time exchange an unhealthy habit in to a healthy habit.
How much do I value myself today.
The wording I used all the time before was I have to.
Now it is more about what is a need. 
Now it is more about what is a want. 
Now it is more about what is a goal.
To commit to myself is about writing down and being committed to myself. 
Daily lists of my healthy needs my healthy wants my healthy goals.  
It is often found that people will exchange one unhealthy habit in to another unhealthy habit.
A healthy sponsor will be sharing in a two way street healthy intimate relationship.
Being honest with out being cruel.
A healthy sponsor will never take credit for your new found healthy skills.
A healthy sponsor will encourage you and encourage you to continue with your new found skills.
Procrastinations is often talked about yet not fully understood, why putting off committing your self to healthy skills in your life.
A healthy sponsor will be nurturing and encouraging you towards filling your days with full committed time.
A healthy sponsor will be talking about your decisions in getting things done in healthy ways.
In time your ability will include showing your gratitude and appreciation towards other people. 
Showing your gratitude and appreciation is an expression of your new found values in your self.
Your gratitude and appreciation will improve your intimacy with other people. 
I asked my wife what is love, her answer was very simple yet I did not understand at the time. 
Love is giving of your self unconditionally having no expectations what so ever.
This ties up with our frustrations due to our expectation of others.
The serenity prayer helps us understand how painful it is to our self having such high expectations of others.
Procrastination so many people have their views why it hard for them to get committed in to doing the actions.
So the question is procrastination fear based, lack of commitment, fear of failure,  fear of it being painful, is it lack of confidence, is it our ignorance, feeling inept, do we not have any faith in our self, we do nto value our self.
So once we do more and more healthy things our healthy needs our healthy wants, is it hard to compliment our self, to validate our self, to encourage our self even further. 
I have not been to meetings since Covid scares.
Do I live in fear of infection, do I live in any kind fear of today.
I have been to recovery center to gives talks in a very secure healthy setting.
I get so much from doing talks, I get lots from people questions.
The funny thing that most meetings raise more questions than answers.
In my time I am not surprised to see many meetings after meetings which last even longer than the original meetings.
In our therapies we will be nervous first of all, yet over time we will see our self in others, both the healthy and unhealthy part of us.
In therapies we will see our self from the past but also see and feel our self in the future levels of our recovery. 
I most certainly believe in spiritual values but I am a non religious person.
I understand that my healthy spiritual values caused me to feel guilty and ashamed by our unhealthy past.
When I go against my own spiritual values I hurt myself.
Yet how do we heal our pains, how do we face our and reduce our unhealthy fears.
And as we talk about and reduce our unhealthy fears our healthy trust grows.
By our healthy therapies we open up more to healthy motive and productive lives. 
Each time we break out and go back to unhealthy habits we can learn what emotional triggers caused me to live in fear once more and how can I process those feelings and much healthier way.
One time I went to a new kind of group, I heard people saying that certain feelings and emotions were good bad wrong or right.
I think that in that way we do not process or understand out unhealthy reactions.
To have healthy interactive relationships with our self we need to understand what is healthy and what is unhealthy.
In meetings often we would read peoples body language as them being dissapointed in our last break out,  sadly people would feel uncomfortable seeing or feeling other peoples pains. That we would assume their response to us as being unhealthy.
So the question can we have empathy for another person if we are not able to have empathy for our self.
Can we love another person if we are unable to love our self.
Can we respect another person if we are unable to respect our self.
Can we trust  another person if we are unable to trust  our self.
Can we be patient with another person if we are unable to patient with our self.
How much value do we have about our self.
How much do we want to heal our hurt inner child.
Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham

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  Only once I admit to myself I am unhealthy can I make healthy changes.
Posted by: gadaveuk - 05-05-2021, 12:01 AM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

My Addictions and Obsessions only indicated that I was emotionally vulnerable. I am a nonreligious person who was a very unhealthy person who had Addictions and Obsessions, In time I would learn what were my emotional triggers, my pains I could not heal, my fears I could not face, my frustrations were due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations in my life, my loneliness due to my fears of emotional intimacy, my boredom because I was unable to be productive in healthy ways. Each time I went back to my Addictions and Obsessions was a chance to learn and understand what my emotional triggers were, to change my unhealthy reactions. Some might view Addictions and Obsessions as a way of escaping. Why did I fear being honest, as a child when I was honest I was hurt by many adults. Why did I fear emotional intimacy, because I had been hurt emotionally physically and sexually far too many times in my life. I felt that I was unloved and unwanted. Isolating myself made me feel more vulnerable. Because of PTSD and trauma in my life I could not articulate my feelings and my emotions. In time in the best healthy meeting for me I was able to talk beyond the money addictions and open to the possibility of giving a deep therapy. I use to feel that I was very weak, in truth I was in did a survivor, everything that could have broken me had been done to me at one time or another and I was able to get through life at a very limited way. Before my recovery I put on a mask, a show making out that I was some thing or someone I was not. The mask and the show to protected my hurt inner child. In time people stopped trying to play mind games with me because they understood they did not work on me. At what time was I willing to go to meetings, day one I did it for other people, in time I would identify that I was unhealthy and in time I would want and need to heal my hurt inner child. Healthy persons do not need to or want to react in unhealthy ways again. There was a time I was angry and most of the time, in healing I trend to interact with all people rather than react in unhealthy ways. My expression of gratitude and appreciation is an expression of my healthy values today. My hurt inner child was never going to get healed with money or being with unhealthy people. I am not able to change other people however unhealthy they are, it is not in my power. In saying I have to implies I am obsessive, to understanding my wants my needs and my goals today. In time once I abstained from unhealthy habits, I would exchange unhealthy habits in to healthy habits. I would learn to love myself. I would learn to respect myself. I would learn to validate and compliment myself. I would learn to be patient and tolerant with myself. Every unhealthy action or unhealthy word has unhealthy consequences. Every healthy action or unhealthy word has healthy consequences. Do I want to be the healthiest person most productive person I can be today. The choices are mine today.

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  I can’t stop
Posted by: Kr1sty - 27-04-2021, 06:41 AM - Forum: Gamblers Anonymous Q & A Section - No Replies

I never ever thought I’d find myself in this situation, I’ve blown thousands in the last 18 months, I went through a traumatic incident in dec 19 before that I had a pretty normal steady ) a little boring) life. I’ve tried blocking my bank cards found a way around that so I used gamstop which was great for about a week until I found a way round that , I just can’t seem to stop myself , I’ve blown my rent and bounced bills so I’m now being evicted and have huge debts, I feel like I’ve let my family down and I absolutely hate myself yet I can’t stop, I sit here crying night after night and I’ve just used my last tenner on the slots, I hate myself for being so weak and feel I’d be better off dead than carry on like this. My mental Heath is in bits and I feel like I’m losing my mind. 

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  Credit cards
Posted by: rogertb - 17-04-2021, 07:35 AM - Forum: Share Section - Replies (10)

Hi chaps I understood gambling with a credit card has been stopped but I’ve been able to bet ... how can this happen please ? how are these sights getting around the law ?

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  Recovery healing our fears reduce and we achieve so much more in our life
Posted by: gadaveuk - 02-04-2021, 07:28 AM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

I am Dave and I am an unhealthy addict.

 
At one time all I wanted to stop Gambling.
 
I use to think and feel that my addictions controlled me and my life.
 
Today I understand that my addictions and obsessions were a form of escape.
 
I use to question if I was a bad person, question if I was a stupid person, question if I was a dumb person.
 
Today I understand that my addictions and obsessions were a form of escape because I felt emotionally vulnerable.
 
Today I understand that me being emotionally vulnerable did not mean I was a weak person.
 
In time I would understand my emotional triggers.
 
My emotional triggers were my pains I could not heal, my fears I could not face, my frustrations were due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations that did not go my way, loneliness due to my fear of emotional intimacy, my boredom due to the fact I could not be productive in my life and was not motivated in a healthy way to fulfil my needs, my wants and my goals.
 
I found that the pains in my life I experienced caused fears in me that I could not deal with or understand.
 
Today I understand that my anger and my rage were due to my unhealthy reactions to my pains, my fears and my frustrations
 
My anger and my rage indicated that in me I was reacting to the pains of my past that were not resolved or healed.
 
Today I understand that recovery means healing to me, yet how could I heal if I was not willing to admit to my self I was still living my life in the pains of my past today.
 
Only once I abstained from all my unhealthy habits could true healing and recovery even start for me.
 
Recovery was about healing and learning to interact in healthy ways with myself and with other people.
 
In time to exchange unhealthy habits into healthy habits.
 
The lists of abuse I experienced over many decades were very long, and occurring over 17 years of my life.
 
I learned also because I could not cope emotionally with, I use to bury and suppress the traumas of my life.
 
There was one time when I was a teenager that I tried and failed at taking my own life, today I question after all the things that happened to me why on that date did I try to end my life and why.
 
Was it the pains I could not heal, was it the fact that adults in my life at that time could not deal with their own issues they could help me, was it the fears of emotional intimacy, was it the lack of nurturing and lack od demonstration of what healthy life was about emotionally, was it the fact I could not speak out for myself, that I did not have a voice based up on a peaceful mind.
 
How long would it take me to take very slow baby steps and learn to heal the hurt inner in me that had hidden most of his life.
 
The funny is that I did have expectations of people in my life and sadly I expected them to fulfil my emotional needs, in recovery I would learn that I could only love some one else if I loved myself.
 
I would learn that I could only respect some one if I respected myself, so what ever I expected from someone else, I need to give to myself first of all.
 
There was a  time when money and gambling were every thing to me, now my values have changed as I have changed, the most important things to me today, relationships and time.
 
I use to wish my life away, I use to hate Mondays, I use to hate working, I use to think and feel that my adrenaline rush and risk taking was happiness, so what do I think happiness is to me today, is it money, no money only gives you more choices.
 
I use to want to escape going on holiday, I really did not want to get back to reality and real life.
 
I use to be so intolerant and impatient, that being hard on others was an indicator of how hard I was on myself.
 
I use to undermine myself, I could not compliment myself or validate myself, I would find fault with everything I did or said.
 
One day a complete stranger helped me get back on the road with my car, I went into my pocket to give him so money, the man asked me what I was doing, I told him that I wanted to give him money to show my appreciation, he said no, that he helped me out because he wanted to.
 
My thinking is he is a fruit and not case, some thing changed that day, it raised questions I was not ready to answer.
 
Later in my recovery I pulled my car over and asked if I could help this stranded lady, she said that she had run out of petrol, without any hesitation I opened my boot pulled out my can of petrol and started to pour petrol into her petrol tank.
 
She said she had to give me some money, I asked  why do you have to give me money she said if she did not she would feel guilty, very honest answer, I declined her money and she said no I have to take the money and placed it in my jacket pocket and was getting stressed out.
 
The lady could not accept the fact I did it for myself, not for her, not for money, did she think I was nuts or weird, did she understand that I did not want or need anything from her, could she understand that an act of kindness is us giving of our self.
 
So at what point in my recovery did I do it for myself, at what point in my recovery did I value myself.
 
In the USA while travelling vehicle stranded on the edge of the road, there were 3 people standing by the vehicle, at this time I did not have a spare petrol can, so I offered them a lift to a garage, they accepted and we drove them to petrol station and took them back to their vehicle, on the way one person commented that every car that drove by was an American car, that we were Canadians and we helped them out.
 
When people live in fear they miss out on emotional intimacy, once we over come our fears, our  emotional intimacy grows and we get healthier from those healthy interactions.
 
So part of our recovery is therapies, as we share more our fears reduce.
 
As we share more of our self we see and feel our self in other people, both the healthy and unhealthy.
 
With our healing comes more understanding, more compassion and we reach a point where we learn to love and learn in healthy ways.
 
In time in our recovery we value our self and value others.
 
There is no limit as to what we can achieve in our life today.
 
Love and peace to everyone.
 
Dave L
 
AKA  Dave of Beckenham

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  Remove all payment methodsthe
Posted by: rogertb - 26-03-2021, 08:35 PM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi chaps, so if I “lose” my debit and credit cards, when the replacements arrive, I can register them with amazon and paypal and my wallet on my iphone and “forget” the 3 digit security code will that stop me being able to register on gambling sites ? (I’m already on gamstop but it’s easy to find off-shore aites) ... hope this isn’t too vague.

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