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  Why was therapies so good for my recovery and my healing
Posted by: gadaveuk - 19-03-2021, 09:14 AM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

I am a non religious I questioned if I could get healthy and no longer want or need to escape to my addictions and obsessions.

On entering the recovery I was focused about losing my money lost and just to abstain from my addiction.

I do not recall how many times I felt all I could do was talk about my money lost and how painful it was being so unhealthy.

I wanted to blame every one else for my emotional vulnerability.

I had hatred towards the gambling establishment and that they cheated me of my money.

But was that the truth, in time I would understand that no one made me do any thing I did not want to do.

The gambling establishments never stole my money I gave it to them freely.

The gambling establishments never made me do any thing I did not want to do.

The rooms of recovery helped me get more and honest with myself.

The light bulb did not switch on from day on walking in to the recovery.

I have been in recovery seriously for over 54 years, I was not able to abstain from unhealthy habits for some time.

I was able to understand each bet I had was a lesson if I was willing to learn what was my last emotional trigger.

I walked in the healing recovery program feeling that my addictions and my obsessions controlled my life.

I walked in the healing recovery program feeling fear of being honest, I feared emotional intimacy, I feared emotional intimacy, I feared being accountable to myself, I feared being myself, I feared showing how much pain was with in me.

The rooms of recovery helped me learn to trust giving a therapy, helped reduced my walls which were built on my fears.

Once the honest therapies came out of me and of others, I would see myself in other people, both the healthy and the unhealthy.

The rooms of recovery helped me learn to understand my feelings and my emotions and be able to articulate myself more deeply and in a much healthier way.

Some people will react in such unhealthy ways when they see them self in other people.

Often there will be people who focus on every one but them self.

Once the therapies were opened up to such emotional vulnerability people sharing they would explain how they processed every day issues.

How could I love any one else if I was not able to love myself.

How could I respect any one else if I was not able to respect myself.

At what time would I give up beating myself up, at what time would I give myself a compliment.

At what time would I be more punctual in time keeping.

At what time would I give up risk taking, to keep to the traffic driving codes, to not  jump traffic lights, to give up tail gating.

What was very powerful for me understanding my needs, understanding my wants, understanding how important it was to write my needs wants and my goals on a daily basis.

Only once I opened up the meetings I then was able to open up emotionally to my wife and my family.

Because of my addictions Saturday morning was a very testing time for me, yet I did not talk to Shirley about me being vulnerable.

Then one Saturday she asked me how I was feeling, today I understand the reason she asked me was she felt that I was nervous and anxious.

I answered honestly I said that I felt emotionally vulnerable, with in 5 minutes we both had our coats on and were going out of our front door.

I asked her where are we going, she said any where.

That day we stopped off at a bowling alley, and played bowling for some time.

After that each Saturday Shirley Mark and myself went ten pin bowling, as well as eating out.

After a while I did not fear or feel anxiety the truth was I looked being out with my family. 

So for me my addictions and obsessions were just the symptoms that I was emotionally vulnerable.

I was not evil bad or no good, I was just emotionally vulnerable.

I have lost count of the number of times I went back to my addictions and my obsessions.

It is vital to be committed to my meetings, I needed to put time effort and more energy in to my recovery than I put in to my addictions and my obsessions.

My fears of intimacy was reduced by having heart to heart meetings with sponsors and other people.

By having healthy sponsors they will demonstrate how healthy we can all be.

I have travelled to so many meetings in my time.

The funny thing is that often meetings will raise more questions than answers.

Often after recovery meetings people would meet out side and have close sharing and much longer than the meeting it self.

In our honest sharing and our therapies we will understand what is healthy and what is healthy.

For me it was exchanging all of my unhealthy habits in to healthy habits.

In general life people have identified my recovery by my healthy respectful ways and wording.

At one time I thought that you are polite to get the things you wanted.

One day I was with my wife and the meal I had received in a restaurant had pieces of paper in between the slices of the Turkey I was about to eat.

In the old days I would have exploded with anger and rage, sadly I would have wanted the meal for free if I could have done so.

I waited patiently till the waiter came my way.

I talked in a low level voice and asked the waiter if I was expected to pay extra for the paper in the Turkey slices.

The waiter was very shocked by this meal, the manager came to our table and apologized, I was offered some kind of compensation but declined it, I was offered a free sweet with my meal, again I declined.

After our meal out side I asked Shirley if I dealt with this situation in a healthy way, did  any one feel threatened by my words.

When coming to my levels of intimacy with people each day I am not trying to impress people, I am not trying to buy peoples friendship.

I would say one of the big things I found in my recovery is part of my healing my hurt inner child is healthy intimacy with all people.

I was not aware of how much potential I had with in myself.

I have been witness a person was completely homeless jobless came in to the recovery program.

In time money owed was paid completely, he got a job, he met a partner, got married, bought a house, had children and was an example how recovery can change a person completely if you take recovery seriously.

How much do I value myself today, how much more can I do for my recovery today.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

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  My Addictions and my Obsessions indicated I was emotionally vulnerable and Unhealthy
Posted by: gadaveuk - 15-03-2021, 04:39 PM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

My addictions and my Obsessions indicated I was emotionally vulnerable and Unhealthy

I could say now that my addictions and my Obsessions were the symptoms that I could not help myself.

Before my recovery I use to think that money would bring me happiness.

Before my recovery I use to think that if I could get all the money back I lost, sorry I did not lose my money I gave it away freely.

Before my recovery I use to think I knew what love was.

Before my recovery I could not give of myself unconditionally.

Yet who is to say what is healthy or unhealthy.

In my recovery I would be able to abstain from my unhealthy addictions and my unhealthy obsessions.

Yet abstaining was not enough for me, by abstaining did not mean my hurt inner child was not healed.

Only once I got in to sharing my therapies could I stop living in fear and expose more of my hurt inner child but only then my fears would reduce.

Every fear that grew in me was due to the pains of my past that were not healed.

My fear of emotional intimacy stopped me from having a healthy relationship with myself and with other people.

Before my recovery I wanted to blame people life and situations for my being unhealthy.

The therapies would empower me to articulate my feelings and my emotions, I would also see and feel myself in other people.

By opening up in my therapies I would expose more and more about myself, by my expressions I would move from being a victim of people life and situations I felt that I could not have any control over.

By opening up I would be able to listen to my own conscience, I would identify what were my healthy wants, and what were my healthy needs, the sad fact no one could help me if I was not willing to help myself.

I am a non religious person and understand that any one can find a healthy life and recovery if you put your mind to it.

My anger was an unhealthy reaction to my pains not healed, my anger was also an unhealthy reaction to my fears not faced, my anger was also an unhealthy reaction to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations, sadly I was hurting myself and causing myself pain by my unreasonable expectations, they were not hurting me I was hurting myself.

Handing over our finances helped me understand that money was a control issue for me.

I could not trust myself with money.

Each time I went back to my unhealthy habits I was able to learn from my last emotional trigger, and learn so that I did not have to be so emotionally vulnerable next time.

The recovery program helps us become more healed, to become healthier, to become more productive, more patient and tolerant with myself.

The recovery program helps me help myself, to trust my own instincts, 

To have more intimate times with myself and with other people.

Being in my recovery I would be able to cry and heal my hurt inner child.

Why would I be so reluctant to admit I was hurting myself, why would I be so reluctant to learn to trust myself.

The only person that stopped me from taking my recovery seriously was myself.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham.

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  For me recovery is a healing process, I needed to open up more to heal.
Posted by: gadaveuk - 31-01-2021, 08:35 PM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

For me recovery is a healing process, yet I could only heal once I admitted to myself I was in pain.

I needed to open up more this would happen through my honest therapies.

It was very simple reduce  my fears and my trust would grow in the recovery rooms.

It took me along time to heal.

The addictions and obsessions were a way of me escaping people life and situations.

The addictions and obsessions were just the symptoms of my emotional vulnerability.

My unhealthy reactions indicated to me how unhealthy and how vulnerable I was.

It is very difficult for me to remember when I was last angry.

Yet at one time I was angry most of the time.

When people asked how I was, it was not a question.

I use to bury and suppress so much stuff in my life because I could not deal with it.

Being a loner and holding back and not being myself was an unhealthy way to live.

Not being able to trust myself was not healthy, not being able to have intimacy with people was not healthy.

By being consumed by addictions and obsessions I did not understand how unhealthy I was.

I use to think that my addictions and obsessions controlled me.

Today I understand for me my addictions and obsessions were a form of escaping my feelings and my emotions.

Sadly due to pains and abuse in my life I buried and suppressed feeling from my hurt inner child.

I use to think that I was a weak person, that was not true i had in my life gone through all forms of abuse.

In recovery I asked myself is there any thing that has not been or done to me that I had not experienced at that time.

The simple fact there was nothing that could happen that had not already happened to me.

In the recovery program I learned that I was a survivor yet I was not able to heal or resolve the pains of my past.

My anger that came out of me was due to my pains not healed, was due to my fears not being faced, was due to my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of life people and situations.

My emotional triggers were my pains, my fears, my frustrations, my loneliness due to my fears of emotional intimacy, my boredom due to the fact I could not be productive in every avenue of my life.

The simple question is how much time effort and energy am I willing to invest in to my recovery today.

How much do I want to heal my hurt inner child.

Love and peace to every one.
 
Dave L
 
AKA Dave Of Beckenham

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  Offshore on-line pitfall
Posted by: Bazzle22 - 06-01-2021, 11:44 PM - Forum: Share Section - Replies (1)

Hi everybody,iv just jumped on board an appreciate it..iv recently excluded from all on line UK sites
and all reachable bookies in my area.I learned I could still join offshore on line casinos which cost me dearly in just a few hours.The craving was like acid in my veins and I had to gamble...iv now contacted my bank and cannot deposit to any gambling site globally.is everyone aware of this option...I feel relief...still want to gamble but options are getting very thin for me now...I was wanting to hear that roulette ball flick around the wheel and hit my number that bad I went in disguise..face mask and hat..hit a bookies four train stops away..I won x in the machine..cashed and left...so I think shop self exclusion only works if the staff know you.

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  Trust
Posted by: Casey sullivan - 20-12-2020, 07:43 PM - Forum: Share Section - Replies (2)

Hi
    I'm a new user only joined today and am really struggling with the fact I'm an addict, I've had addictions in the past cocaine and alcohol but really thought I was past them as they were many years ago, I attempted suicide on Wednesday but fortunately was brought back to life but my partner just doesn't trust me at all now will I ever earn this trust back?

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  Just for today I choose to understand my emotional triggers and of my vulnerability
Posted by: gadaveuk - 08-12-2020, 10:52 AM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

On entering the recovery program I felt threatened by the mention of religion and God.

I sadly was not able to stop escaping to my addictions and obsessions from day one.

Yet each time I went back I was asked what was my emotional trigger.

Sadly it felt like the addictions and obsessions controlled my life.

I did not understand that recovery is a healing process.

The mention of spiritual values confused me, I understand that each time I went against spiritual values I was hurting myself and other people.

I use to fear questions, I felt threatened by any kind of question.

The first time I opened up to a person about my emotional vulnerability I expected the worst.

The first time I opened up to a meeting giving a therapy helped me grow my trust in the meetings.

My emotional triggers were my pains, my fears, my frustrations, my loneliness and my boredom.

Today I understand that my deep seated fears were due to the pains in my past that were not healed.

I use to be angry and confused all of the time.

Now today it is difficult to remember when I was last angry.

The rage that came out of me was my hurt inner child lashing out and not getting any healing or resolves.

Yes my rage helped me understand that my inner child needed to be healed in a slow healthy manner.

Having a healthy sponsor is a two way street, it is self rewarding to both people.

A healthy sponsor will be tolerant nurturing and encouraging.

An unhealthy sponsor will be a bully and try to manipulate you, sadly he will even try to take credit for your progress.

A healthy sponsor will not take any credit for your progress, he will try and get you to give your self compliments, to even reward your self.

There is no doubt in my mind that my recovery was a very slow process in the beginning.

That my recovery was a very slow baby steps day by day.

Sadly procrastinating is a very unhealthy habit which needs to be resolved.

Today what are my needs, today what are my needs, today what are my goals.

How committed am I to my growth and recovery today.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

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  What excuses did I have not going to meetings, how long to learn how unhealthy I was
Posted by: gadaveuk - 24-11-2020, 01:37 AM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

What excuses did I use to not go to meetings, how long would I take me to learn how unhealthy I was.

I often felt that my addictions controlled me, that I could not help myself, like I was out of control.

My thinking was that if I stopped gambling that I would be happy.

My thinking was that if I my money back I had lost at gambling that I would be happy.

The addictions only indicated that I was emotionally vulnerable.

Before my recovery I would justify being honest, I would justify that I did not need the meetings.

Every pain in my life caused me to live in my fears.

I would justify my lies, I would justify procrastination.

The simple truth I could not help myself being on my own.

In the rooms of recovery once I was able to listen, once I understand I was simply emotionally vulnerable, I was not bad person, I was not stupid person, I was not an evil person, I was a very vulnerable person.

People pushing religion on me did not help me at all, yet people demonstrating being healthy by their actions and their words helped me see what healthy was all about.

I was not a religious person, I was not able absorb and learn new found skills very easily.

Due to trauma in my life I had trust issues, I simply lived in so many fears I use to panic very easily.

So once I gave up talking about gambling, once I gave up talking about money lost during gambling, and once I gave up living fears of being honest.

The reduced levels of fear enabled me to trust once more, and the therapies started to open up and I was able to see and feel myself in other people therapies.

Each day was a day I could improve on in how I felt and how I was able to move away from reacting in unhealthy ways to interacting with all people in healthy ways.

By giving up my addictions and obsessions I was able to take up even simple tasks and do a good job.

Yet it was very hard for me to say to myself I did a good job.

As you get healthier you stop beating your self up.

You stop calling your self names.

Having a conscience is a very healthy indicator that deep down was a healthy person who could not help him self.

By abstaining from my unhealthy addictions and my unhealthy expressions I was able to open up more.

The recovery is not about us beating our self up, the exact opposite, the recovery is about us being more nurturing towards our self and other people.

The words I used before my recovery bad evil wrong right would be replaced with healthy or unhealthy.

A healthy sponsor will help me during stressful periods, a healthy sponsor will hep me be more caring more respectful more tolerant more patient with myself.

A healthy sponsor will not bully or manipulate me,  they will not make me do any thing I am not ready to do.

A healthy sponsor will not take any credit for my new found healthy skills,  healthy sponsor will help me reward myself and say I am doing a healthy job. 

As we identify each fear they reduce more and more.

My fears were all ten out of ten before my recovery, then they reach a point where my fears were low single numbers.

Before my recovery I had so much anger in me, I had so much anxiety and panic in me.

If I was not a compulsive gambler i would have never found out how much I was missing from my life today.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham

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  Enough is enough...
Posted by: Decider1234 - 23-11-2020, 11:12 PM - Forum: Share Section - Replies (3)

I’ve been gambling for the duration of my adult life. It started off as £x on the football at the weekend. The occasional £x. 

I started gambling more after a few big wins. Not more as in huge amounts but more frequently. Staying up until 3/4am on a work night gambling on anything and anything. £x on who wins the next point in a tennis match, to £x on a random hockey games etc. I’d put £x into my account and play until I’d lost it all or fell asleep. This then progressed to gambling bigger amounts in an attempt to make quick easy cash. Then the dangerous part started, chasing my losses. Thankfully at this point I stopped once my savings were gone. 

A few months later I had another decent win, this then lead to another bad stint of gambling. My father asked me to look after a substantial amount of money, little did myself or him know, I would then go onto gambling the lot. By the time he asked for me to send it back to him, I had to take out a loan to cover my arse. At this point I self excluded myself from gambling. A year down the line I’m in a better financial position that I was. I’ve still been gambling but it’s been much smaller amounts with friends and bookies I know. During this year, I’d been playing lots of sport and going to the gym regularly as a distraction. 

Since the pandemic has been around, I’ve not been able to distract myself. I’ve started gambling much more than I can afford again. I’m currently working from home and I’m extremely distracted from my job. I’m lucky enough to have a good paying job with a great career path. I’ve tried to stop gambling on my own and distract myself but I’m really struggling! I’ve been feeling really anxious recently too, this is a feeling I’ve never felt and I believe it’s to do with my gambling. I worry about answering simple questions. I worry when the door bell rings or the house phone. I just constantly feel on edge. I’m really worried that I’m going to lose my job through being anxious and distracted, which has huge knock on effects, such as not being able to afford my debts. 

Despite being in a large amount of debt, I’ve calculated how I can get out of the tunnel (providing I stop gambling). Is there any advice on how I can distract myself? Is it the gambling that’s making me feel anxious, and how do I stop this feeling? This is the first time I’ve spoke to anyone about my addiction, my father is unaware of how I paid his money back or that I lost it in the first place. Any tips and advice on how I can stop gambling? 

Any help would be massively appreciated! 

Thank you, 
S

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  Feel sick at the fact I'll never make the money back now
Posted by: chberry93 - 22-11-2020, 07:44 PM - Forum: Share Section - Replies (3)

Hi all, 

Can't quite believe I'm posting on here as I'm still quite shocked I even ended up in this position. I never would have imagined myself being a gambler but during lockdown I randomly decided to buy a couple of lottery tickets. When I was online purchasing them I was given an offer for one of the 'instant win games' and from then on I was pretty much hooked. I moved on pretty quickly from the instant win games on the lottery site to slots on various sites and pretty soon I was doing these everyday. The final straw for me came at the beginning of this month when I managed to blow almost all of my monthly salary in a few hours. 

Since then I've self-excluded which has given some sense of relief but I'm also finding myself still thinking about it almost 24/7. One of the main challenges I'm having at the moment is having to accept that I really have lost all the money spent. Whilst I was still gambling I would convince myself that I'd be one of the lucky ones who bagged jackpots and then I could self exclude knowing I'd made back by money. I know the chances of this are practically zero but there was still that glimmer of hope which has now gone. 

Moving forward now I'm hoping to find ways to come to terms with the amount of lost (talking quite a bit in debt now) and find ways to distract myself from thinking about it all the time. So if anyone has any suggestions that would be hugely appreciated.

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  I use to think that I would be the last person on this planet who would stop gambling
Posted by: gadaveuk - 11-11-2020, 10:15 AM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi 

Before my recovery before the healing of my hurt inner child I use to think that my addiction controlled my life and how i use to feel.

I did not get it that in time and working my recovery I would be not only to live each day with out gambling but I am able to live each day with out being angry, I am able to live each day with out wanting to escape from my feelings and my emotions, I am able to live each day with fulfilling my needs fulfilling my wants  fulfilling my goals.

In time I would understand that my addictions and my obsessions only indicated that I was emotionally vulnerable.

Yet I kept going, I needed more than one meeting per week to abstain,  I needed a meeting with healthy therapies, I needed a meeting with healthy honesty.

One tie I had gone 11 month and two weeks with out gambling they were arranging my birthday, and I gambled, I did not want to go back to the meeting, I felt I let them down, I felt stressed out facing those people, I felt stressed out thinking that they would want to compliment me.

By being in the meetings I knew the only person I feared facing was myself.

When ever a person admits to go back to gambling there is signs by people in the rooms, I use to think that they were dis appointed in me, sadly there body language was they were feeling my pains.

Healthy people in he recovery program will help nurture encourage and inspire enthusiasm in other people.

Healthy people in he recovery program will help people learn from their mistakes and from their emotional vulnerability.

Some people think that time off means you know all the answers, for me that is not so.

Some people may think that my time off means that all my pains have been healed, that all my fears have been faced, that all my frustrations have been reduced, that all my boredom have been completely replaced with all full days in my life today, that all my emotional loneliness have been removed by my emotional intimacy with people today.

For me at the beginning it was very slow baby steps and using the telephone.

It was some one to suggest to me to call some one before I gambled,  so obvious so simple yet I had to work things out over time.

There were meetings after meetings, they were times I did not get to bed until 11pm 12am.

My addictions and obsessions were a form of escape.

I needed to not focus on money lost.

I needed to not focus on blame and justification.

For me the recovery program is about healing, recovery healing, the money was just the fuel for my addiction.

Each day I abstained from Gambling. 

Each day I abstained from smoking. 

Each day I abstained from getting drunk.

Each day I abstained from living in fears and panic.

Each day I abstained from speeding.

Each day I abstained from being angry.

Each day I abstained from reacting in unhealthy ways.

Each day I changed from unhealthy reacting in to unhealthy interacting.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

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