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  In my recovery I am getting healthier yet I am non religious
Posted by: gadaveuk - 22-04-2020, 05:16 AM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

Today I understand that my addictions and my obsessions were only the symptoms that I was emotionally vulnerable. 

Today I understand that every pain in my life caused fears in me that I did not understand or know how to deal with.

I am a non religious person yet I am becoming more and more spiritual.

My conscience was based up on spiritual values and my conscience caused me to feel pains I inflicted up on myself and other people.

During my unhealthy period I would say and do some very unhealthy things, and would justify my unhealthy habits.

I was very confused during my unhealthy period because I use to think that my adrenaline rush was happiness and exciting.

I would refer to my highs and my lows think that was different levels of happiness.

When in action I was avoiding facing myself and my feelings.

During my unhealthy period I would be juggling so may fears that when another fear came to my mind I would go in to panic mode.

Going in to panic mode only indicated how much fear I was already burying and hiding facing. 

The spiritual recovery program was a healing program for me to heal from, if I was not willing to admit my pains to myself could I heal them.

There were many sayings that confused me on hearing them.

I could not love another person until I loved myself.

I could not respect another person until I respect myself.

I could not be honourable to another person until I could not be honourable to myself.

I could not be tolerant and patient with another person until I could not be tolerant and patient with  myself.

To be self sufficient I needed to write down my needs, my wants and start to set goals in my life.

By writing down my lists is me being accountable to myself.

To be a healthy person I needed to humble myself to the honesty about myself.

In open therapies I would see and feel myself in other people.

Both the healthy and the unhealthy.

I see the spiritual recovery program very much like mountain climbers, that by being tied together we learn and experience safely healthier ways in our life.   

In open therapies we are tied together by our honesty at every level.

In my recovery I am getting healthier each day yet I am still a non religious person.

I did not fully understand how the experiences of my life stunted me in so many ways I did not understand.

By healing my inner child, by living life with out fear, by being healthier there is so much more I can do with my life today.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

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  On entering my recovery I lived in so many fears.
Posted by: gadaveuk - 16-04-2020, 03:43 PM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

In time I would understand that I lived in so many fears it staunted me from being a healthy person.

Pains and abuse in my child hood caused me to live in so many fears.

I lived in fear of rejection and abandonment, I lived in fear of being honest, I lived in fear of emotional intimacy, I lived in fear of being accountable to myself and to other people.

I lived in fear of failure, I could not compliment myself or validate myself, I even lived in fear of being proud of any thing I did.

At my first year of celebrating my recovery I did not feel I had done it, I did not feel that people opinions of how far I was in my recovery was true.

Since being in recovery I found out that by me not trying new challenges I was cheating myself, by not trying new skills I was failing myself.

I constructed a house extension to our home, on completion our neighbor called over to see it.

He complimented me on doing such a good job, my response as to point out that a peace of wood had a crack in it.

There was implications by people in the recovery program that having proud in one self was unhealthy, for me that confused me, having feelings of being proud was a change on how we view our self.

People who boast in unhealthy ways in an arrogant way makes me think why do they need to prove them self to other people.

So for me the consequences of living in my fears meant I had not resolved the pains of my past.

My anger indicated that the rage that came out of me was my hurt inner child lashing out.

In saying I wanted justice was not true, I was in effect looking to transfer my pains fears and frustrations on to other people and would even justify my unhealthy ways.

My trying to control other people only indicated how insecure I was in myself.

My control issues were very much fear based, in saying that I was trying to control other people because I loved them was not true. 

What are fear based issues for me, stress anxiety panic, my going in to panic mode was due to high levels of fear already in me, each time I gambled I was on an adrenaline rush, the bigger the risk the bigger the highs.

So just by me abstaining from gambling did not heal my pains and did not resolve levels of fears with in me.

As I attended more and more meetings my fears reduced, as my fears reduced my trust grew, as my trust grew therapies exposed more and more of myself.

This affection at this time, would it help me to live in doors filled with fears, no so I do not fear I view living in doors as me protecting myself.

I use to live in fear of living, that fear stunted my recovery.

If one is blessed with a healthy sponsor who is nurturing and encouraging, a healthy sponsor will not bully or manipulate people, a healthy sponsor will demonstrate patience and tolerance, a healthy sponsor will not take any credit for another person growth or goal achieving.

There is a view that a sponsor should only talk to the opposite sex, I do not agree with that theory, a healthy sponsor would not get emotionally involved with the opposite sex, that would not be a healthy thing to do.

The reason for an unhealthy reaction in anger could be an emotional trigger pains fears or frustrations, for me being angry is a very unhealthy reaction and being angry I hurt myself and other people.

To continue being angry is a kind of honesty of how much pain fear and frustration we hold with in our self.

Yet it us to me to be honest to myself and ask myself is being angry healthy and if not what am I going to do about it.

Panic cannot occur if I have no fears with in me.

By living in fear did it resolve any thin with me.

On entering my recovery did I not live in fear of the postman, did I not live in fear of the telephone ringing, did I not live in fear of people coming to my front door, did I not live in fear of change, did I not live in fear of being honest, did I not live in fear of emotional intimacy, did I not live in fear of failure.

A person had a problem with a machine which was broken, he was going to open it up and have look inside, I questioned if he did not fear making things worse, he laughed he said it not working I can not make it any worse.

After that incident my fears were reduced when things broke down and am often willing to open up and try to fix things.

As my fears reduced I came more and more out of myself, by my healthy actions and by my healthy words I have come out of myself.

I do not need to have a drink to mix with people, I am not in to person pleasing, I am not in to guilt tripping people, I am not in to proving myself to other people.

I trust my instincts today, I am committed to being the healthiest person I can be today.

There is no doubt in myself today, that guilt ridden person I use to be is not longer today.

How ever unhealthy I was on the start of my recovery I did not know it.

If I had not being willing to take my recovery seriously I doubt very much I would be the person I am today.

Today no guilt no shame, no regret, I do not hate myself any more.

Even today my recovery is slow healthy baby steps.

If I had not taken my recovery seriously the person I would have cheated was myself.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

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  How are you surviving through coronavirus?
Posted by: smartie - 15-04-2020, 03:36 PM - Forum: Share Section - Replies (5)

If anyone wants to open up and share their experiences of how they are dealing with the current situation, feel free to share.

Journalling can be a positive tool that provides enlightenment and understanding.

Smartie xx

(ps....don't want to steal anyone's thunder so i'll post mine in a few days)

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  Getting out of control
Posted by: Nickty1 - 14-04-2020, 04:01 PM - Forum: Share Section - Replies (2)

I have been gambling for the past 18 years, I try to stop but I get an overwhelming need to bet on roulette and slots online, the biggest bets the better.  I have lost around £xx and I just don't know how to stop it's like a switch and the more I try to not gamble the bigger the mess I make when I slip up, I don't pay debts or buy clothes or other nice things for myself, I have very low self-esteem and don't feel I deserve anything nice . I haven't been able to have a relationship as an adult and I'm 36 now so I really need help

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  Need a little help
Posted by: Dreamcatching - 13-04-2020, 07:07 AM - Forum: Share Section - Replies (1)

I seem to be slipping back into online gambling quite badly, how do you guys deal with this, I'm open to any suggestions Sad

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  Understanding my emotional triggers helped me reduce the chances of gambling again
Posted by: gadaveuk - 06-04-2020, 09:04 AM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

Did I think that I was a compulsive gambler on walking in to the recovery program.

From day one in recovery I did not understand how emotionally vulnerable I was.

After some time I understand that my emotional triggers were my pains I could or would not heal.

Another of my emotional triggers were my fears I could face or reduce.

Another of my emotional triggers were my frustrations were my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations I could not or would not reduce.

Because of my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations I was hurting myself, I as hurting myself.

Another of my emotional triggers were my feelings of loneliness and due to my fears of emotional intimacy.

Another of my emotional triggers were my feelings of boredom, sadly the longer I was consumed by my addictions and my obsessions I was less productive and feared failing.

In questioning myself why I procrastinated so much was it fear based, was it lack of confidence, was it I feared failing, did I fear being successful.

In time I would help myself and abstain from Gambling, I would also start to give up unhealthy habits.

In time I would help myself by writing down daily lists of wants needs and my goals, help myself by writing down shopping lists, help myself by writing down spread sheets showing our finances and even paying things on time.

By delaying, by avoiding things I just put myself and my family under stress and anxiety.

Is living in fear healthy.

Why did I fear being honest, did I think that if I was honest would be painful and cause me pains.

Why did I fear committing myself.

Why did I fear mixing with groups o people, can I mix with people with out having to have a drink.

One day I  found out that anger was an unhealthy reaction to my pains, an unhealthy reaction to my fears, an unhealthy reaction to my unreasonable expectation people lie and situations that did not go my way.

I can be myself today, I can be honest to myself and other people today, I do not need to live in fear today.

I understand that by living in fear is not healthy, in therapies I would see other people fears in myself. 

The recovery program is a healing process, I could only heal by admitting to myself I was in pain, then up to me to do something about it.

The recovery program is only a manual for me to learn from.

With this infection I can view it as a fear thing, or I can view it as a safety, that following guide lines I am able to learn to protect myself.

I can only value and respect other people when I am able  value and respect myself.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

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  Sorting debt
Posted by: sam4145 - 01-04-2020, 06:47 PM - Forum: Share Section - Replies (2)

Hi. New here after deciding about a week ago to quit online roulette. It's cost me £xx over 3 years and I'm sure I have now exhausted all possible ways and softwares that might have turned me into a winner. I don't really feel a compulsion to play now. I've not had any other addictions like slots or sports nettings, just roulette. 

I have started a debt management program to make all my card and loan repayments affordable. One loan I only took out a few weeks ago and no doubt fibbed a bit in applying as I was desperate. Given I've not made any repayments yet they are not happy and said they will investigate it thoroughly. I'm worried what will happen when they discover I lied to get the loan? So far I haven't said the debts are cos of gambling but even if I did I don't suppose they'll care. 

Can anyone who's been in a similar situation tell me what to expect? I don't care about bad credit rating or defaults, I know that's coming. I'm just worried about being taken to court for fraud or something?

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  Just for today I will not gamble is a way of me not making things worse
Posted by: gadaveuk - 28-03-2020, 05:36 AM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

Just for today I will not gamble is a boundary that I set up for myself.

I know that if I were to gamble I would make things much worse in my life.

On walking in to the recovery program I thought that I would be the last person on this planet to stop gambling.

The gambling and obsessions were just the symptoms that I was very emotionally vulnerable.

In recovery I would learn what my emotional triggers were.

In recovery I would learn to exchange every unhealthy habit in to healthy habits. 

I do much more than abstain from my addictions and abstain from my obsessions.

Being a very emotionally vulnerable person I lived my life in self doubt, because of my past I did not value myself or values other people.

The rage and anger with in me indicated that my hurt inner child was not healed.

On walking in to the spiritual recovery program I did not fully understand how immature I was, my sulking was the feelings of a child not getting what he wanted.

Today I understand that my emotional age and my physical age do not match up.

The wording dysfunctional confused what could that be.

Today I understand that dysfunctional behavior is blaming and escaping responsibility for my own actions and my own words.

Dysfunctional behavior is very unhealthy, for me dysfunctional meant people could not work as a team, dysfunctional meant people were unable 
to interact in healthy spiritual ways.

In my time it would be up to me to take responsibility for my unhealthy habits.

The recovery could not stop me gambling that had to be my own choice.

The recovery would help me share myself in therapies and over time I would move on from my past after dealing with it.

The healthy people in the recovery problem would help me understand what was healthy and what was  unhealthy.

The rewards for being a healthy person is pride in ones self, I would be able to validate myself,  I would be able to compliment myself,  I would be able to be nurturing and encouraging towards myself.

The recovery program would help me help myself.

I understand my needs today, I understand my wants today, I understand my goals today.

I am not  willing to give up faith or hope in myself today.

I am not  willing to hurt myself or other people today.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

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  Need help
Posted by: angus1965 - 27-03-2020, 08:16 PM - Forum: Share Section - Replies (1)

Hi everyone , I have an issue with gambling , I have tried to stop on my own , manage for a few days then start again . A couple of years ago I got into serious debt due to my gambling . I have almost sorted my finances but fear I will go back to that dark place . My issue is with online casinos , I have self excluded from some but always seem to find another , any advice or help would be gratefully accepted. Thank you

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  Just for today I choose not to gamble and heal my hurt inner child more
Posted by: gadaveuk - 24-03-2020, 02:31 PM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

In my recovery it was my choice to not gamble today.

For me to gamble today it simply makes things much worse.

For me to gamble would be an emotional trigger.

In time I focused on not only not gambling but seeing an end to the pains I was causing myself.

Once I was able to give up completely thinking of gambling to no longer dwell on money lost.

My therapies would help me open up more and no longer hide in a facade behind my walls of fears.

In time I would be able to heal,  I would also be able to articulate what my feelings and my emotions were.

As I  shared more and more about myself I would be able to heal from the pains of my past.

I did not give much thought to the words recovery, now I understand that healing could only happen once I was able to emotionally detached from all feelings and emotions towards gambling.

Today I understand that my addictions and obsessions were a form of escaping people life and situations I could not cope with.

As a child I was a victim in so many ways, the rage in me exposed the unhealthy pains I was burying and suppressing.

Only when I admitted to myself that I was a victim could I do some thing about it.

Only when I admitted to myself that I was a perpetrator could I do some thing about it.

Only when I admitted to myself that that my addictions and my obsessions were unhealthy for me.

Why did I have anger towards the gambling establishments they never hurt me, I hurt myself, 
they never hurt my family, I hurt my family.

I use to justify lying and cheating, I use to justify giving my hard earned money away.

I use to think that if I won lots of money it would make up for all the pains and suffering I had caused.

I do not want or need to gamble today.

I do understand my wants or needs today, I write thing down to keep clear about my new path in life today.

My addictions and obsessions indicated how emotionally vulnerable I was, my addictions and obsessions were often fear based issues.

Just by abstaining only I was not healing my hurt inner child.

Yet by me abstaining from all unhealthy habits the healing process would start for my hurt inner child.

Before my recovery I was living in so many fears yet would not admit them to myself.

The healthy people in the recovery rooms would encourage me to come out of myself, with the reductions of  my fears trust would come in to my 
life.

I would move from feeling such in an inept inadequate fear filled insure person to gain faith hope in myself.

The consequences of working my recovery would be a healthy motivation in my needs, my wants and my goals.

Instead of living in the pains of my past I would live heal from my pains and live my life to the full today.

Just for today I will not gamble means I start to value myself and I have the choice to live a healthy productive day today.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham.

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