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  Why was I so reluctant to go to meetings and learn to value myself.
Posted by: gadaveuk - 29-09-2020, 02:52 PM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

The simple truth I did not go to meetings for myself, I went to meetings for other people.

I was a survivor for sure and did not know it.

The spiritual recovery program was about healing and finding a healthy way of living with out being self destructive by my own actions.

The healthy people in the spiritual recovery program was help me to sit and listen with out living my life in fear during this time.

The healthy people in the spiritual recovery program would help me understand what were my emotional triggers and to make healthier choices in my decisions.

How could I think that by giving away my money and living in fear was fun.

How could I think that living on adrenaline was happiness.

Today I do not want to or need to escape myself people or life and go back to an unhealthy addiction or be obsessive and feel disconnected from life and people.

The spiritual recovery program is a non religious program where I was going to help myself become healthier and to stop wasting my life away.

My unhealthy reactions indicated how emotionally vulnerable I was, in those days I could be so volatile and did not understand that by being angry I was hurting myself.

A person can be expressive aggressive or suppressive aggressive, for me both of these are unhealthy habits.

My anger only indicated that my hurt inner child was not healed.

My anger was very unhealthy for me and my relationship with other people. 

In my recovery I learned to not live in fear and anxiety, panic would only occur when my levels of fear were high.

Panic was a very unhealthy reaction to my high levels of fears I could not deal with.

Anger was an unhealthy reaction to my pains an unhealthy reaction to my fears and an unhealthy reaction to my frustrations.

Only once I healed my pains would my anger reduce.

Only once I faced my fears would my anger reduce.

Only once I reduced my expectations of people life and situations would my anger reduce.

In my recovery I learned to give of myself unconditionally.

It took me some serious time to start and heal my hurt inner child.

It took me some serious time to learn to listen and give up my control issues which were fear based.

The healthy people in the spiritual recovery program would help me understand my full potential in facing more challenges in my life.

I have moved from being a very much self destructive person to becoming a more motivated more productive person today.

The spiritual recovery program would help me succeed in facing more challenges more goals and become a person I am proud of being today.

The spiritual recovery program would help me not live in the past and live for today only.

We are all supposed to learn from our past and to no longer live in the past.

Setting goals we extend our self more and more.

How much do I value myself today.

How much time and effort am I willing to invest in myself today.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

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  How could I not explain to another person why I Gambled
Posted by: gadaveuk - 13-09-2020, 07:54 AM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

I could not explain to another person why I Gambled because I did not understand it myself.

In time I would understand that my addictions and my obsessions were just the symptoms that I was emotionally vulnerable.

I was not a bad person, I was not a evil person, I was not a stupid person.

Why could I not understand myself, why could I not be honest with myself, why could I not understand my emotional triggers.

My unhealthy addictions and my unhealthy obsessions were a form of escape.

In time I would understand that no matter what happens in my life I was going to be determined to attend meetings.

How sad was it that I did not know how to celebrate in healthy ways.

I did not know how to interact in healthy ways with people and to not live my life in my fears self doubts and low self esteem.

In recent weeks I was concerned about laying some concrete in some forms I had made.

My fear was that the form would give way and the concrete would be ruined.

Yesterday Shirley my wife was helping me and pointed out one of the concrete forms burst out.

Did I get angry, did I lash out, did I swear and cuss, did panic cause me to freeze.

I had already worked out the very worst that could happen and had a large beam of wood to hold back any part of the form.

I use to want to be in control in the old days.

I understand today that it only indicated how inadequate and insecure I was and understand that my control issues were fear based.

Handing over my finances was very hard for me, I thought that money was a controlling issue.

The very simple fact that I could not trust myself with money, I felt uncomfortable having money on me.

Before my recovery I could not or would not have a financial sheet on our finances.

The healthy people helped me make out spread sheets identifying every bill we ahd.

The healthy people helped me understand the importance or making out my lists of my needs of my wants and more importantly lists of goals.

In time I would be able to see and feel myself in other people, both the unhealthy and unhealthy parts of them.

Even today I am very much a person watcher, I am able to see both the unhealthy and unhealthy habits people have.

I found that every perpetrator was at some time a victim.

Sadly unhealthy people will transfer their pains fears and frustrations on to other people. 

Sadly unhealthy people will justify going against their own conscience and against their spiritual values.

For me the recovery program is not a race it was very much slow baby steps to learn new healthy habits.

My impatience and my intolerance only indicates how hard I was on myself.

Shirley and I will be celebrating our 50th wedding anniversary in the next two weeks.

If I had not taken the recovery program seriously this would not happening.

The last bet I had was in 1992 and my commitment to my healing recovery has paid huge rewards in the relationship I have with myself today and  the relationship I have with all other people.

I could not respect other people until I respected myself.

I could not love other people until I loved myself.

I could not get to be healthy until I admitted to myself that I was an unhealthy person.

I enjoy giving talks at a recovery center and know I am paying back that which was given to me.

I am a non religious person and know that if I can embrace and want to heal my hurt inner child any one else can.

There was a time I would escape in to watching television.

I would even plan my life to watch certain TV programs.

I am watching television now to relax my body.

I am not being obsessed with watching television, when I was watching television for long periods of time I was not being productive with my time.

The recovery program text is only a manual, it is up to us to learn from healthy people in recovery by their healthy habits and their productivity.

A healthy sponsor will have a two way street interaction with like minded people.

A healthy sponsor will demonstrate what healthy relationships are about.

A healthy sponsor will demonstrate patience and tolerance.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham

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  Living Just for today only is very important
Posted by: gadaveuk - 03-09-2020, 03:46 PM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

Living Just for today only is very important is taking things slowly.

For me the pains of my past caused me to live in fear stress and anxiety most days.

Then because I was not able to for give myself or be tolerant and patent with myself.

My life was very much unhealthy reactions to people life and situations.

It was impossible for me to talk to people to be honest and trust people because of the pains of my past.

Yet by being in the spiritual recovery program as I got more honest about my feelings and emotions my fears reduced gradually.

I am a non religious person yet understand today you do not need to be a religious person to become a healthy person.

I would justify my unhealthy reactions because I could not cope emotionally.

In time I understood that deep down I was a good person yet I could not help myself from reacting in such unhealthy ways.

I use to say that I wanted because of the pains I was experiencing.

For me today is it was not justice I wanted but vengeance I wanted transfer my pains fears and frustration on to other people.

Before my recovery and healing my coping skills were non existent, I would lie to escape responsibility, I would deviate, I would put on a facade, I would put on a to hide the hurt inner child in me.

Because of trauma my emotional age and physical age did not match up.

At what point in my life would I acknowledge my hurt inner child, at what point in my life would my inner child be at  peace.

There was a person whop once said he was glad he was a compulsive gambler, my first reaction he was nuts, then he simply explained that by taking the recovery program seriously and healing over time he became aware of how unhealthy and emotionally vulnerable he was.

My life today is filled with honesty, very little fears, my healthy actions and my healthy words have increased my confidence.

I am able to understand my needs wants and my goals, I face my fears most days.

The only person that limited me was myself.

In the spiritual recovery program I understand that I am an equal, in understanding that simple fact if another person can achieve new skills each day so can I.

Loneliness and isolation was a way of life for me, kept things bottled up with in me.

Being in the spiritual recovery program I understand there is no healthy reason for me to hide from myself or other people.

Being in the spiritual recovery program I learn to trust once more, by talking about my past is not longer about blaming other people.

By talking about my past I am getting resolve and healing my hurt inner child.

There is no limit what I can achieve with my life today, my goals extend further as I achieve more healthy interactions.

My expression of my gratitude and my appreciation is an expression of my healthy values today.

Only when I value myself can I value other people.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham.

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  No matter how many times I Gambled I always made things much worse.
Posted by: gadaveuk - 28-08-2020, 03:04 AM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

I was not an evil or bad person, even when I went against my own conscience I felt that I did not have a healthy choice.

How long would it take me to understand that my addictions and obsessions indicated that I was emotionally vulnerable.

I was not a selfish person I was how ever a self destructive person.

The simple truth was I could not trust myself with having money on my person.

I did not want to hand over my money because I felt that I was handing over control of my life.

The spiritual recovery program was a non religious healthy healing process.

I was in time going to make much healthier choices in my life.

I found out that I was ready for counselling when I reduced the fears I had with in myself.

I have been to eleven counselors in my time.

Before my recovery and healing  use to react in such unhealthy ways.

I could react in rage to some thing very silly in my life, in time I would understand that my unhealthy reactions were my hurt inner child lashing out.

I use to react in anger and in time I would understand that anger was due to my feelings of pains fear or frustrations.

I use to be an out ward unhealthy reacting person yet could be a unhealthy suppressive in ward reacting person.

At what point was I going to admit to myself how unhealthy I was.

Yet what was important was to invest more time and energy in to my recovery that the time and energy I put in to my unhealthy habits.

It is a very slow period healing the hurt inner child in me.

It took time for the hurt inner child in me to come and face and deal with the feelings and emotions I was going through.

I questioned what Love was, was it physical, was it emotional, was it possible to love another person if I did not love myself.

I asked once what was love was, I was told that love is giving of your self unconditionally.

In time I do not get frustrated as much as I have reduced my expectations of people life and situations.

Today I understand that me having such high expectations of people life and situations I was causing pains up on myself.

People often ask if I have gambled in such along time do you need to go to meetings.

After time I went to meetings to not gamble but I went to meetings to learn how to cope with life and situation in healthy ways.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

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  I was so emotionally vulnerable I thought that peoples advice was control issues
Posted by: gadaveuk - 24-08-2020, 10:03 AM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

I was so emotionally vulnerable long before my addictions and my obsessions.

I use to have control issues and felt uncomfortable at work.

I use to dread going to work, I use to wish my life away.

I use to have such high expectations of people life and situations and when things did not go my way I would cause myself pains due to my high expectations. 

I thought that peoples advice was control issues, I use to think that the recovery program was going to control my life and was going to stop me gambling.

That is how confused I was, only when I acknowledged that my addictions were very unhealthy for me and my family.

Every pain in my life caused fears in me that I did not understand.

The spiritual recovery program was going to help me help myself, to exchange unhealthy habits in to healthy habits.

What is the impact of putting great time and energy in to my life today.

I am less angry, I live in less fear today, in respecting myself I can respect other people.

I am less impatient and intolerant with myself, I do not beat myself up and do not call myself names today.

Each day I have more clarity and healthy focus.

So how did I determine my needs my wants and my goals.

How long to do things willingly, for me how long to move from being obsessive and out of balance to being productive.

The simple fact I could not be trusted having money on my person.

I felt like I was being treated like a little child handing over my money.

Over time I would learn to respect my self and I would learn to respect money.

The simple fact I am not able to heal if I am not willing to admit to myself my pains.

Recovery means healing, am I completely healed today.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

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  I healed faced my fears and no longer need to escape to addictions and obsessions
Posted by: gadaveuk - 20-08-2020, 05:33 AM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

My addictions and obsessions only indicated that I was emotionally vulnerable.

I had already survived some horrific things in my life and yet today I am more complete and whole.

Before my recovery I use to react in such unhealthy ways.

It took time to commit myself to investing time and energy in to my recovery.

It is a healthy thing to have a conscience, when I go against my own conscience I feel guilt and shame.

My addictions and obsessions only indicated that I could not cope emotionally.

One day at a meeting I was informed that the walls of fear I built up to protect myself from being hurt stopped me from getting out and having healthy relationships.

The anger and rage that came out of me indicated that I could not or would not interact in healthy ways.

The anger and rage that came out of me indicated that my hurt inner child was not healed and whole.

I am a non religious person, I questioned if being non religious could I become a healthy person once again.

I did not want to talk about my past because the pains were not healed.

The wording spiritual recovery program indicated that it was a religious organization, in time my reaction to the word spiritual or religious 

In time I would understand that recovery means healing as simple as  that.

Yet could I heal if I did not admit to myself that I had buried pains.

In time I would learn to express my feelings and emotion  in healthy ways.

To understand that recovery means healing that hurt inner child.

The trauma I suffered in so many ways sadly affected my ability to interact in healthy ways.

Being in recovery those walls of mine built on fears would be taken down brick by brick.

My history is very hard to believe, even as a child I tried to take my own life.

I took things that I thought would end my life and in the morning I felt such a failure that I could not commit suicide properly.

I after a short time blanked out the memory of trying t take my own life and in time it would come to surface and I would understand that from an early age I was so emotionally traumatized and could not heal my pains.

Recovery is about healing it is not about right or wrong, it is not about good or bad, it is about what is healthy and what is unhealthy.

For me today addictions and obsessions are very unhealthy, I choose to exchange what is unhealthy in to what is healthy.

To take is an unhealthy habit and change in to a healthy habit.

Before my recovery no idea of how much potential I have with in myself.

How much do I value myself today, how much do I value other people today.

The longer a person takes to abstain from unhealthy habits the harder it gets.

How much do I value the quality of my life today.

The choice is mine today.

Do I want to be a talker or a walker today.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

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  The spiritual recovery program helps me be more honest and less afraid
Posted by: gadaveuk - 14-08-2020, 01:25 PM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

The spiritual recovery program helps me heal and be more honest and secure in myself.

Every pain in my life caused fears to grow in me.

On walking in to the spiritual recovery program I did not understand how much my fears disabled me in achieving things in my life.

For me panic was very much fear based, the higher the levels of fear I lived in the more likely I would go in to panic mode quickly.

My procrastinating was often fear based, once I was able to talk on a one to one basis I was able to reduce my fears, and think more clearly.

I had a lack of confidence, yes often I would put a facade on which was fear based.

When I was asked how are you I would deviate and say not so bad or I am fine, that was a lie to myself.

My fear of aggression and confrontation was due to the aggression and confrontation of my parents.

Sadly they could not love them self or each other, hence I was ignorant as how to love myself or love other people.

I was not able to love until I reduced the fears in me, and when fears reduce trust grows.

At what point would my pains become clearer.

At what point would my inner child become more healed.

At what point would I get more honest with myself. 

I thought I was a weak person on walking in to spiritual recovery program and in time I would understand that I was a survivor and was not weak.

One day I did a list of how many pains I had experienced in my life, from cuts to my body, understanding how many people had dumped on me in my life, understanding how much emotional abuse I had experienced, there was also neglect and emotion abandonment in my life.

In doing a list helped me understand that there was nothing that had not already been done to me that I had already suffered and experienced.

I was for sure been a victim, yet some how I had become a perpetrator and dumped some of my pains fears and frustrations on to other people.

I understand that when I said I wanted justice in my life was not true, what I was wanting was to dump my my pains fears and frustrations on to other people, that was not justice that was vengeance and was very unhealthy to myself and other people.

I am a non religious person and I do understand that any person can find a healthy recovery and healthy healing if they are dedicated and put as much time and energy in to their recovery as they put in to their addictions and obsessions.

The recovery and the spiritual recovery program is about self commitment.

I understand today that my healthy recovery and my healthy healing could not be done a lone by reading text and books, that true recovery is about healthy interactions and learning to trust once more.

It is only by reducing my fears and healing pains that true recovery comes from with in me.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham.

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  For me no matter when my last bet, it was important to go to meetings
Posted by: gadaveuk - 06-08-2020, 11:34 PM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

For me no matter when my last bet, it was important to go to meetings, if I had no money go to meetings, no matter who I do not like go to meetings, the safest place for me to be was in meetings.

I use to justify my lies, I use to justify my procrastinations, I use to justify my not being accountable.

I could not heal my hurt inner child if I was not admitting to myself the pains I had experienced.

I use to say I am not so bad, when inside I was crumbling down.

Why was it that I could not accept advice, why was it that I could not articulate  my feelings and my emotions.

Why was it that I could interact with other people in healthy ways.

Why did I think that I was going to be the last person on this planet to give up gambling.

I walked in to the spiritual recovery program lower than dog crap feeling inadequate insecure inept and thinking the only way I could feel successful was by getting some thing for nothing, or taking advantage of other people.

I could not love other people until I learned to love myself.

I could not respect other people until I learned to respect myself.

I could not be patient and tolerant with other people until I learned to be patient and tolerant with myself.

My impatience and tolerance with other people indicated how hard I was on myself.

People talk about honesty how far do we go, honesty about money,  honesty about our lies, honesty about our feeling emotionally vulnerable.

At what point do we have no fears of emotional intimacy.

At what point do no longer live behind walls built of our fears.

The wording spiritual recovery program indicated to me that the recovery program was a religious organization.

I use to react in unhealthy ways at the mention of religion or god.

The I learned that my conscience were based up on spiritual values.

Being in recovery yes I stopped my addiction yet putting more healthy effort in to my life was very hard.

In time I saw the recovery program simular to mountain climbers, we are all tied to each other learning from each other how to take the healthiest paths in our life today.

A healthy sponsor will not bully or manipulate people.

A healthy sponsor will be patient and tolerant, and in our sharing it will be a two way street.

Decision making will be slower and more stable.

I learned that my periods of panic were all fear based, that I could not think clearly or work out how to do things in a slow patient mind.

My expression of gratitude and appreciation was a demonstration of my healthy values and that I cared and valued myself and other people.

Today it is rare to take people or things for granted. 

My expression of gratitude and appreciation improves my relationship with myself and with other people.

The recovery program is not a race, I am not trying to out do other people.

The recovery program helped me slow down my pace in my life today, I no longer have to race my car, I no longer have to take risks which are dangerous to me and other people.

I was a victim in my life.

I was a perpetrator in my life.

I no longer want to be a victim, I no longer want to be a perpetrator today,  I no longer want to be a rescuer today.

For me my recovery was not about being right wrong good or bad, my recovery is about understanding unhealthy and moving towards a healthy life each day.

To exchange unhealthy habits in to healthy habits.

If I am and was able to achieve so much with my life then any one can do it.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham.

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  Unlucky gambler.
Posted by: MickyXX - 29-07-2020, 04:54 PM - Forum: Share Section - Replies (9)

I’m not arrogant enough to believe that I could win gambling....it’s recognised that approximately 2% of gamblers show a profit, I never expected to be amongst them. I do recognise now that I’ve been an unlucky gambler, when I say this, I mean that anything that could go wrong did. I never used internet sites to bet, I didn’t frequent casinos, my gambling centred around sport. I believed that my knowledge of various sports allowed me to form an educated opinion at the outcome of events.... it has staggered me how regularly a last minute goal or even an awarded corner has cost me. I have lost count of the times I have bet in sports contests that are literally “a toss of a coin” and picked wrong. I began to record my bets after becoming paranoid at what I considered my “bad luck” ....sure enough there was evidence that I wasn’t paranoid....I recorded evidence of horses falling at final fences when in control of races (no examples of my horse being the beneficiary of a last fence fall). On no less than 4 occasions in the last month when betting in football matches a goal in the final 5 minutes has resulted in me losing, two occasions with virtually the last kick of the match. I cannot recall a late goal in my favour.
Having revisited my wagers, I realised that I cannot win, I am just very unlucky. My final bet was placed 15 days ago, it was a bet on the number of corners in a football match ....another 50/50 bet ...I selected under 12 corners ....a corner in the 94th minute made it 12 in the match and I was broken...
I accept that I just can’t win....I have become so accustomed to being the victim of bad luck that I expect a reversal of fortune....I laughed when the inevitable happened. The anger now replaced with hope of a future without gambling.
I know that many seasoned gamblers will smile wryly at this story, it may resonate with some. I’m glad that I documented my bets, that I was able to record them and highlight how predictably my hope was extinguished often cruelly late.
Tomorrow represents day 16 gamble free, I feel good and the peace of mind and calmness that abstinence brings is also welcome.

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  The recovery program helps me heal become healthier and learn my emotional triggers
Posted by: gadaveuk - 24-07-2020, 04:51 AM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

The spiritual recovery program helps me help myself become healthy and whole even in not being a religious person.

Every time I was angry I understood it was my hurt inner child lashing out.

My emotional triggers were my pains not healed, were my fears having not been faced, were my frustrations having high expectations of people life and situations, were my feelings of loneliness due to my fears of emotional intimacy and were my m feelings of feeling bored and I did not have any goals or enthusiasm in my life.

The addictions and obsessions were just the symptoms that I was emotionally vulnerable.

 It was very hard for em to go to meetings, it was even harder to abstain from my unhealthy addictions and obsessions.

In time I would give up talking about money lost or ven being in action.

I use to think that the adrenaline highs were happiness and the pains of loosing were depths of depression and misery.

Sadly in being involved in my unhealthy addictions and obsessions there were not happy moments, I could not open up to myself hence I could not open up to other people.

I put on a facade, a world of pretence, that I was clever and knew it all, that I had the answers to every thing.

I use to person please, try and buy friendships, try to impress.

In time I would learn to trust myself and also learn to trust other people.

When I walked in to the recovery program I did not understand how unhealthy I had become.

My physical age and my emotional age were not the same, as I healed that gap would reduce.

How do I measure my recovery today, do I live in fear that stunt me getting things done, am I free of emotional intimacy, am I a walker or a talker today.

Do I make lists of my need to do things and my want to do things, do I extend my myself in many ways as I grow heal and mature.

The more I get in to my recovery I have the ability to share with many people at different levels of my recovery.

My unhealthy habits were costly in every way, if I Gambled 10 per day that was 3650.00 per year.

My other unhealthy habits were costly in every way, if I drank 10 per day that was 3650.00 per year.

My other unhealthy habits were costly in every way, if I smoked 10 per day that was 3650.00 per year.

One year of unhealthy habits was nearly 11,000.00 per year.

Over ten years that was 110,000.00 that was a complete waste of money and more importantly that was a complete waste of time and my life.

Yet no one could stop me gambling, that was going to be my own choice.

How long before I wanted to give up my unhealthy habits.

As my fears reduced my trusts started to grow in so many ways.

I am able to be honest today without hurting people or myself today.

My patience and my tolerance tells me I m being kinder to myself today.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

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