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  Pains in my past caused fears in me that remained up to my recovery
Posted by: gadaveuk - 17-09-2019, 01:12 PM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

Pains caused in me fears that I did not understand or faced.

In the recovery program I would face myself and my fears.

I am a non religious person and enjoy healthy living today.

My instant reaction in my anger was an indicator that my pains were not healed.

My anger was an unhealthy reaction to my pains to my fears and to my frustrations.

I use to fear being honest.

As a child I was punished humiliated embaressed caused pain when I was honest.

I feared rejection and abandonment.

I feared emotional intimacy.

I feared the opposite sex.

I feared failure.

I feared humiliation.

I feared being myself.

I feared large groups of people.

I feared being accountable.

I feared taking on new challenges.

I feared being seen by some one I knew in recovery.

I feared being asked questions.

I feared being shown up being ignorant. 

And the person I feared the most was facing myself.

I took the largest fear I had and asked myself what was the very worst thing that could happen.

Only once I took every possibility in to account and was completely willing to accept the very worst thing that could happen then my feared reduced.

How can it be in any way healthy to react in fear in so many ways.

Fear disabled me, it was crippling me from achieving more in my life.

Each time I went back to my addictions and my obsessions I was not facing my emotional triggers.

Each time I went back to my addictions and my obsessions was a lesson if I was willing to learn from it.

I feared aggression and confrontation that came from my child hood, I internalized the aggression and confrontation of my parents.

It took me two years of doing Karate to understand that fear.

I use to enjoy fighting.

In my recovery I also understand I use to internalize other people feelings.

Like I felt guilty and responsible when things went wrong.

How can it be healthy to feel unworthy and not able to accept a gift in a healthy way.

The wording used in recovery right wrong good bad can be taken as a critism.

I have found that using the wording healthy or unhealthy is not offensive.

The ideal situation is to be emotionally detached from all feelings towards our addictions and our obsessions.

How much more productive can I be today.

How much more productive can I be with my relationships today.

Am I writing things down.

Am I writing down my needs today.

Am I writing down my wants today.

Am I writing down my goals today.

Have I reread my steps and my answers.

Do I have meetings after my meetings.

Do I use the telephone list.

Have my communication skills improved.

Am I able to articulate myself in healthy ways today.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham.

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  I have been in recovery since 1969 why attend meetings today.
Posted by: gadaveuk - 13-09-2019, 10:15 AM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

Do I measure my recovery by the last date of my last bet today.

No I measure my recovery by how much I have healed, by how productive I am today, by how healthy my relationship is with myself, by how healthy my relationship is with other people, by how productive I am today, by how healthy my motives are today.

If I have not gambled for so long why go to meetings.

I am a non religious person yet I understand that I am able to grow and mature.

I am able to identify that being in my recovery my steel will be tested in so many ways.

When people are unhealthy in my life today do I react in unhealthy ways.

My recovery growth was much quicker by investing my time and energy with like minded people.

It is not wise to talk about our goals with people who are dysfunctional people, they will only try to put us down.

Handed over money was not a punishment, handed over money was because I could not trust myself with money.

I did not value myself before my recovery.

I did not value money or other people before my recovery.

My recovery was sped up by showing gratitude and appreciation.

By doing so I am expressing my increasing values towards things and people I use to take for granted.

By me showing gratitude and appreciation demonstrated my values today, of how much I care.

Being nice is easy for me today.

I do not fear intimacy with other people today.

In facing all of my fears I took the biggest fear I had and I asked myself what level of fear do I have today.

Ten out of ten being the highest.

In taking the biggest fear I asked myself what is the very worst that can happen.

Once I talk it out and if I am willing to fully accept the very worst that can happen, in that instant my fears reduce.

On walking in to the recovery program my fears were Ten out of ten.

On walking in to the recovery program my fears today are about 1 or 2  out of ten.

I use to fear being questioned.

Then one day I did a talk and a person asked me a question I did not have the answer for.

I did not break down I did indeed laugh and told gathering I did not know the answer, I did not crumble down, I did not panic, I did not feel less of a person.

I did not know, I was inadequate about the answer, but did not internalize it.

So it took me over twenty years to learn and understand what my emotional triggers were.

At the start of my recovery I thought I was there now fix me.

My recovery was learning that I did not heal my pains but just buried them.

Only once I abstained from unhealthy habits could the healing process begin.

One day at a meeting a person said I am glad that I am a compulsive gambler.

My thoughts and thought of others was shock and confusing.

The person explained not having an addiction the person would have never discovered how unhealthy he had become.

The person would have never discovered how much he was missing from life and relationships.

The money was never going to give me emotional resolve or take away the pains I caused myself or other people.

Yet I have found that every pain and every trauma caused fears in me that I did not understand.

Yet more importantly I have found that every pain and every trauma that was healed has become my strength today.

My unhealthy reactions to people life and situations indicated how hurt my inner child was, and that hurt my inner child was not healed.

Pain caused trauma in me, both emotional and physical.

As I started to heal and peel back the onion the tears did flow.

Today I am able to listen, I am able to learn, I am able to relate, I am able to be self sufficient, I am able to be more mature, I am able to embrace emotional intimacy, I am able to communicate in healthy ways, I am able to articulate my feelings and my emotions.

The choice is mine today, to be a talker or a walker.

The most precious things in my life today is time and relationships.

Every other thing comes after those things.

Once in action I asked a close friend of mine of many years would he lend me money.

He declined my request, how ever he told me he would give me money, that completely confused my mind.

He explained to me that our relationship was worth far more than any money.

He did not want to adversely affect our relationship by money issues.

How much do I value myself today.

Am I selfish in my recovery.

Do I know how to celebrate in a healthy way today.

Do I know how to reward myself in a healthy way today.

Do I remain focused on my needs my wants and my goals today.

I do know that the unhealthy person I use to be is not who I am today.

I do know that pride is a reward for being a healthy person today.

Love and peace to everyone.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham.

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  Understanding my emotional triggers pains fear frustrations loneliness and boredom
Posted by: gadaveuk - 11-09-2019, 10:57 AM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

By understanding my emotional triggers of my pains fears frustrations loneliness and boredom.

Each time I went back to my addiction was a lesson if I was willing to learn from them.

I am non religious and yet I do embrace spiritual values.

Each time I escape from people life and situations I get weaker and weaker.

The recovery program was a place where my healing would start if I was willing to heal from the pains of my past.

With each lie comes more fears.

The recovery program was a place where I would become aware of how emotionally vulnerable I was.

Every time I worked for my money and the gave it away or though it away I was causing myself more and more pain.

Some how thinking that money would heal my suffering.

I was like a rat in a wheel going faster an faster getting no where I was wasting time money and relationships.

The addictions and obsessions were just the symptoms that I was very emotionally vulnerable.

Only when I admitted to myself that I was being very unhealthy could I change from my self destructive path in life.

No one could convince I was unhealthy.

No one could stop me gambling.

No one could stop me from me hurting myself.

I was with out faith and hope in myself.

Each time I said to myself oh who cares any way, I was giving up all faith and hope in myself.


The recovery program was a place where I would see and feel myself in other people.

My unhealthy reactions to people life and situations indicated how much pain I was burying and suppressing in myself.

The last date I gambled is less and less important.

It is how healthy I was today that counts.

Were my actions and my words healthy towards myself and healthy towards other people.

Today I am not alone.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

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  Sadly with each lie comes fear, and for me living in fear is disabling.
Posted by: gadaveuk - 11-09-2019, 05:58 AM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

In the recovery program I would understand that I could not do it on my own.

I am a non religious yet with working my recovery program I am healthier than any other time in my life.

I have no emotional attachment to gambling today.

I do not hate gambling, I do not fear gambling, I do not resent gambling today, it has no attraction for me today.

My unhealthy lying started from an early age.

I grew up fearing being honest.

The recovery program empowered me.

Gambling is the very last thing I want to do today.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham,

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  My addictions and my obsessions only indicated that I was emotionally vulnerable
Posted by: gadaveuk - 09-09-2019, 01:03 PM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

My addictions and my obsessions only indicated that I was emotionally vulnerable, that I use to escape people life and situations when I could not cope emotionally .

Today I understand that my addictions and my obsessions were just the symptoms.

The addictions and my obsessions were a form of self abuse, I would work and then give my money away.

I did not see myself as a rat in a wheel going faster and faster getting no where.

How could  think that I loved my addictions and that life was boring.

How could  think that risk taking in every way was fun or exciting.

While I was consumed by the addictions and my obsessions I was escaping and deviating facing myself.

I am a non religious person and feel that people who push religion on to other people has an adverse effect on their recovery.

Sadly in my life the religious people I had experienced were very cruel people who were hypocrites would say one thing and do another.

The trauma in my life adversely affected my ability to learn and absorb education and information.

I lacked the ability to understand logic and reason.

The sooner I moved from telling sad stories and got in to talking about my emotional vulnerability and how to heal and resolve my unhealthy reactions also the sooner my hurt inner child can heal.

Yet one can ask how would recovery help me, it is a very slow healing process.

Due to my addictions and my obsessions it was a form of self abuse when I would hurt myself and people around me.

By abstaining from addictions and my obsessions I was not hurting myself.

Only then could the healing process began.

I could not trust myself with money.

Ideally I would become emotionally detached from gambling.

The wording I used that I was obsessive, I have to, today it is about what is a need and today it is about what is a want, today it is about what is a goal.

My writing down things is my commitment to myself.

Writing down I stay focused and motivated in healthy ways.

Before my recovery I was not motivated in healthy ways.

I did most things reluctantly and resentfully hence their was no reward from my actions.

The recovery program is a healthy healing process.

Before I took the recovery program seriously I was filled with guilt shame remorse hatred jealousy envy impatience and intolerance and that was a good day.

By being healthy we are filled with pride in our self, no matter how nasty and mean I was I am not able to take the pains I caused away from people today.

Pride is the reward for my healthy actions and my healthy words.

Pride in one self is not egotistic.

Pride is not about money or wealth.

Before my recovery I did not feel successful in myself.

So what is success to me today.

It is not money, it is not in material things, success is being and productive in every avenue of my life.

I did not know how to celebrate in a healthy way.

I did not know how to take a compliment in a healthy way.

I did not know how to show appreciation and gratitude.

I did not know how to have intimate relationships with other people.

I use to fear the opposite sex.

So today my addictions and my obsessions are not things I want or need in my life today.

The choice is mine today.

Am I willing to be selfish in my recovery today.

How much effort am I worth today.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

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  Day 2 no gambling
Posted by: JAM123 - 29-08-2019, 07:49 PM - Forum: Share Section - Replies (2)

Hi Everyone. 

Completely new to all of this but I figured it would help getting this weight off my chest. 
A little bit about me, I'm 26 years old and have been struggling with gambling since about the age of 19. I still remember the first time I won when I walked into a bookies and I went home with a bit of money in my pocket at the age of 19. It felt easy.. like I could win all of the time. 

This obviously wasnt the case and my gambling slowly started to get worse. I think the turning point was university. I received a student loan and thought wow, all of this money.. what do I do. I remember it like it was yesterday, I started gambling small amounts out of boredom, but it got considerably worse until one day i just spiralled out of control and lost £xxx in about 30 mins on the machines. I felt completely broken and didnt know what to do myself. 

As the years went by I started to take loans, credit cards and my debt just increased. I continued to tell myself time after time, what are you doing with your life? but Id find myself in the bookies time after time. I was now taking out £xxx at a time and it was just ridiculous. I had some wins of xxxx along the way and this just fueled my habit more. 

I started a masters degree in 2017 which I didnt finish because I couldnt make the loan payments (due to gambling) 

The worst part for me is just lying to family members and friends/girlfriends. Ill be honest, I havent told a soul. Not even my parents or best friends. That's what makes it so difficult for me, its like my dirty secret. I nearly told my girlfriend a few weeks ago but felt so ashamed. It has got me really down at times, losing my money week after week and just wanting to talk to someone about it. My actions and behaviour has left me in debt of which I am paying back now. I recently moved to london for a job which is going to put me in a really good place career wise. 

however, the past few weeks ive found myself in a bookies again spending my wages. Yesterday I cut all of my cards up and just have my apple pay on my phone. 

I cant tell you how motivated I am to beat this horrible addiction. I am in a good place career wise and dont want to mess up. I want to be able to enjoy my money instead of spending it on gambling.

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  Is being emotional vulnerable mean you are weak
Posted by: gadaveuk - 28-08-2019, 03:37 PM - Forum: Share Section - Replies (5)

Hi

On walking in to the recovery program I did not know or feel that I was emotionally vulnerable.

I did not understand that I was burying and suppressing my feelings and my emotions.

I honestly thought that if I stopped gambling got back my money I would be happy and have emotional resolve.

That  for me was not true.

The gambling and my obsessions only indicated that I was escaping people life and situations.

From my perspective did I thin and feel that my addictions controlled me. Yes for sure.

Because of may forms of trauma in my life caused fears to grow in me that I did not understand.

With each lie came fear, the person I feared facing the most was myself.

On walking in to the recovery program I was not weak, I was a survivor yet did nto understand how vulnerable I was.

I had for sure been a victim of many cruel things in my life.

Even knowing what it felt like to be a victim I could not let go of my past.

In being an addict I would adversely affect other people.

I thought that by paying money back would repair damaged relationships.

I thought that by saying sorry would some how repair damaged relationships.

Money and gifts were used as an expression of love in my life and in my child hood.

What I wanted and needed as a child was to feel nurtured loved protected affection and emotional intimacy.

That was not going to happen and it had nothing to do about me.

If I wanted to feel love I needed to love myself first of all.

Only when I respected myself could I respect other people.

Only when I  was patient and tolerant with myself could I patient and tolerant with other people.

My impatient and intolerant behavior meant I was hard on myself.

I was for sure emotionally vulnerable and it would take healing of my inner child for me to live a life of inner peace and contentment.

For this to happen I needed to recognize and heal my hurt inner child.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

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  My Story
Posted by: bentheowl - 28-08-2019, 12:07 PM - Forum: Share Section - Replies (1)

I'm 35 years old and through my 20's I would gamble on a very regular basis. I've struggled with
depression throughout my adult life but didn't start to acknowledged that till I was close to a breakdown at 27.

At 29 I slipped a disc in the.middle of.my back which compressed my spinal cord and paralysed me from the waist
down. The road to recovery was a long one but during the down time with time on my hands I would fill it gambling.

When I had good wins I would often find a way to lose it all before I stopped, I still don't get this?

At 33 my life changed for the better. I fell head over heals in love with such a wonderful person. Things moved quickly
and before we knew it, I had moved into her home to live with her and her amazing son. I loved and still do love them very much. Just before my 34th birthday we got engaged. I was worried we couldn't afford to get married but we set everything in motion and started saving.

The savings went into my bank account to help cover an overdraft. After a while, I started spending more money than I
had coming in. I started to borrow from the wedding fund and before I knew it, I would do so on a regular basis.

In a panic I started gambling again. I had not placed one single bet in all the time we had been together at this point, which was probably 15 months or slightly longer. Everything started to get out of hand from this point onwards.

Soon, we didn't have a wedding fund.

I continued to gamble in secret, thinking I had it all under control, I was wrong.

I kept on spending money betting, money I had.no right spending at all.

My depression due to guilt and stress was taking it's toll and.my moods were terrible. I would often be difficult to live with and lash out, often saying things I didn't mean. On 3rd August this year my partner ended our relationship She could.no.longer tolerate me during the bad times.

On .Monday of this week I was forced to confess all. My ex now hates me and never wants to hear from.me again. I.love her so much and her son who I've always treated like.my own but I understand, who can blame her?

I'm.now back living with my parents and in debt, without a job (I lived in a different county with.my ex and we had recently started a business together). My parents have loaned me some money to cover some debt, although I still need to pay them back. The sheer look of stress, anger, confusion and disappointment I see when they look at.me kills me a little bit inside every time it happens.

I really hate myself right now. The guilt I feel for the stress, upset and pain I've caused so many loved ones is overwhelming.

I know I can't change the past only learn from it. I need to sort my debt out, try and see if I can claim any benefits, start applying for jobs, while trying to sort my mental health.

Mum is going from being ok with me one minute to lashing out the next, I just take it. I can't blame her.

The only thing I disagree with is, my Mum said I could never have loved my ex and her child or I never would have done what I have. She also claims I could have stopped gambling at any time but simply chose not to through greed, I strongly disagree. I think she simply fails to understand the grip and hold addiction can have on a person.

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  GA class's
Posted by: FindYourTrigger - 24-08-2019, 05:02 AM - Forum: Share Section - Replies (3)

This is just a personal opinion. 

After being to 4 GA class's which failed. 
I had to self evaluate why it failed ... 
I personally had to find my triggers which were, night time online betting.
I addressed that by gamstop which stopped me being able to place a bet online completely . 
I would just like to address GA as a whole in this post as I feel all we do is speak about gambling when in reality we are trying to take it out our life. 
What chance do you have to forget a out it when once, twice or three times a week you speak about it.
Its just a thought and I'd like feedback on my opinion.

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  New to GA
Posted by: Amy - 22-08-2019, 06:40 PM - Forum: Share Section - Replies (19)

I’m married (12 yrs) with two children. I’ve recently found out my husband has gambled away ALOT of money which I had no idea about. Over the past four months I have received a lot of mail daily in his name and also my name. All the letters are from loan companies demanding payment or from each of our car finance companies saying your dd has been cancelled. I / we are now in debt and i don’t know how how to get out of it?  My husband has consolidated most of his? with  a debt company but I’ve been left to deal with mine alone. 
My husband has taken out a lot to debt in my name. He works in financial  services which means I can’t report as fraud or he would loose his job. I have been told there’s a way I can clear the debts without reporting fraud? Can anyone help? Is it normal for my husband to show no remorse and be angry which he’s been with me. 
 I’m not coping well not sleeping and trying to keep on a level and look after the children and now all the finances.

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