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My name is Simmo
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DAY 1 IT BEGINS NOW - roc...
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  First Post
Posted by: Rgray345 - 26-09-2019, 01:21 PM - Forum: Share Section - Replies (3)

Hi,

Admitting you have a gambling problem seems to be the hardest thing to do. There’s such a stigma around it and so much shame. 

It started for me around 6 years ago, an ex boyfriend showed me how to play slots online and it soon became a habit. 

I’m sure many other people here have a similar story.....it starts out just a small amount for fun then you get a big win! Then you think you will win again so keep depositing money then end up cancelling the withdrawal of the big win. 

Once again I get paid and within 24 hours £X is gone. Now I have no way to pay my bills. 

My boyfriend knows about my gambling and in the past has has to bail me out and pay my bills. He also knows I have £X worth of debts due to this and helps me financially. 

I didn’t want to admit to him I had done it again, I was so ashamed and at my lowest point so thought ending my life was the only way out. I broke down and told him how I felt and what I had done thinking He would leave me. He has stood by me and once again said he would sort out the money. 

I feel so ashamed and so stupid. I have a good job and a house and a lovely puppy and loving boyfriend and I can’t explain why I do it! I always think it’s because of the money but it never is because no win is ever big enough: 

I’m sure I’m not the only person who has tried to hide my habit or lied to people about why I need to borrow money or made excuses for why I have so much debt. 

This has to be the end of it as I cannot do this anymore. 

I just needed to put this down in writing and admit that I have a problem. 

Rebecca

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  First post
Posted by: Jameschristopherson - 21-09-2019, 09:59 PM - Forum: Share Section - Replies (2)

So this Is my first post on here.

I’ve been in denial for a couple of years now believing I could control my gambling however over the past couple of weeks it’s seriously starting to put a strain on me. I’m in debt, I lie to my partner and icebox had some pretty dark thoughts about just ending it all. 

I’ve considered attending gamblers anonymously meetings but I’m worried that if my work found out I’d lose my job.

I feel like I need help but if I try and access help it puts my livelihood at risk, catch 22.

I don’t know ignoring I’m here for answers or just to just finally acknowledge I’ve got an issue, either way I don’t know what to do next.

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  The healthy people in the recovery program were going to help me become healthier
Posted by: gadaveuk - 18-09-2019, 07:20 AM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

I did not have a clue why I would go back to self destructive ways time and time again.

Some of the healthy people in the recovery will not bully or manipulate you.

The healthy people in the recovery will be patient and tolerant with you.

Once you gain a sponsor they will help you over come your fears of emotional intimacy.

The healthy people in the recovery will wait for you to talk and open up.

The healthy sponsor will help you learn to articulate your self in a healthy way.

The healthy sponsor will help you set up boundaries and and not involved with unhealthy people.

The healthy sponsor will help you understand and resolve procrastination issues.

The healthy sponsor will help you understand your unhealthy reactions to people life and situations.

The healthy sponsor will let you now when he ignorant and does not know.

The healthy sponsor will help you understand your emotional triggers.

The healthy sponsor will help you ask as many people questions so you can find clarity in your doubts and lack of confidence.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

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  My unhealthy reactions to people life and situations told me I was not healthy yet
Posted by: gadaveuk - 17-09-2019, 01:35 PM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi
The recovery program would help me face myself and my fears.
 
The recovery program was going to help me understand my emotional triggers.
 
I am a non religious person and I enjoy healthy living today.
 
I use to be angry most of the time.
 
Now I find it difficult to remember when I was last angry.
 
My anger was an unhealthy reaction to my pains to my fears and to my frustrations.
 
Pains in my life caused fears in me that I did not understand or identify.
 
My frustrations were due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations.
 
Only when I reduced my expectations would I stop hurting myself.
 
My frustrations were covered understanding the serenity prayer.
 
I use to fear being honest.
 
At each meeting I attend I have no fears.
 
At each meeting I can be myself.
 
I feared emotional intimacy.
 
Today I embrace emotional intimacy.
 
The recovery program was all about healing my hurt inner child 
 
For me the recovery program was a very slow learning curve.
 
The person I feared the most was facing myself.
 
Each time I went back to my addictions and my obsessions I was not facing my emotional triggers.
 
Each time I went back to my addictions and my obsessions was a lesson if I was willing to learn from it.
 
The person I was from day in the recovery program is not the same person I am today.
 
A person once said at a meeting that he was glad that he was a compulsive gambler.
 
If it was not for being in recovery program he would never have found out how unhealthy he was.
 
I use to think how expensive gambling was to me.
 
Today I understand the most expensive bet could have been losing my family.
 
My unhealthy reactions to people life and situations have reduced in so many ways.
 
I understand that walking in to the recovery program me emotional age and my physical age did not match up.
 
The question I needed to ask myself is being angry healthy to me and people around me.
 
When ever I was angry was it healthy to em and people around me.
 
When ever I was angry did I say or do things that I lived in regret of.
 
Am I a victim today.
 
Am I a perpetrator today.
 
Am I a rescuer today.
 
Do my actions and words indicate that my motives are healthy today.
 
The only way I use to get things was due to anger resentments, was that healthy. 
 
Love and peace to every one.
 
Dave L
 
AKA Dave of Beckenham.

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  Pains in my past caused fears in me that remained up to my recovery
Posted by: gadaveuk - 17-09-2019, 01:12 PM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

Pains caused in me fears that I did not understand or faced.

In the recovery program I would face myself and my fears.

I am a non religious person and enjoy healthy living today.

My instant reaction in my anger was an indicator that my pains were not healed.

My anger was an unhealthy reaction to my pains to my fears and to my frustrations.

I use to fear being honest.

As a child I was punished humiliated embaressed caused pain when I was honest.

I feared rejection and abandonment.

I feared emotional intimacy.

I feared the opposite sex.

I feared failure.

I feared humiliation.

I feared being myself.

I feared large groups of people.

I feared being accountable.

I feared taking on new challenges.

I feared being seen by some one I knew in recovery.

I feared being asked questions.

I feared being shown up being ignorant. 

And the person I feared the most was facing myself.

I took the largest fear I had and asked myself what was the very worst thing that could happen.

Only once I took every possibility in to account and was completely willing to accept the very worst thing that could happen then my feared reduced.

How can it be in any way healthy to react in fear in so many ways.

Fear disabled me, it was crippling me from achieving more in my life.

Each time I went back to my addictions and my obsessions I was not facing my emotional triggers.

Each time I went back to my addictions and my obsessions was a lesson if I was willing to learn from it.

I feared aggression and confrontation that came from my child hood, I internalized the aggression and confrontation of my parents.

It took me two years of doing Karate to understand that fear.

I use to enjoy fighting.

In my recovery I also understand I use to internalize other people feelings.

Like I felt guilty and responsible when things went wrong.

How can it be healthy to feel unworthy and not able to accept a gift in a healthy way.

The wording used in recovery right wrong good bad can be taken as a critism.

I have found that using the wording healthy or unhealthy is not offensive.

The ideal situation is to be emotionally detached from all feelings towards our addictions and our obsessions.

How much more productive can I be today.

How much more productive can I be with my relationships today.

Am I writing things down.

Am I writing down my needs today.

Am I writing down my wants today.

Am I writing down my goals today.

Have I reread my steps and my answers.

Do I have meetings after my meetings.

Do I use the telephone list.

Have my communication skills improved.

Am I able to articulate myself in healthy ways today.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham.

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  I have been in recovery since 1969 why attend meetings today.
Posted by: gadaveuk - 13-09-2019, 10:15 AM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

Do I measure my recovery by the last date of my last bet today.

No I measure my recovery by how much I have healed, by how productive I am today, by how healthy my relationship is with myself, by how healthy my relationship is with other people, by how productive I am today, by how healthy my motives are today.

If I have not gambled for so long why go to meetings.

I am a non religious person yet I understand that I am able to grow and mature.

I am able to identify that being in my recovery my steel will be tested in so many ways.

When people are unhealthy in my life today do I react in unhealthy ways.

My recovery growth was much quicker by investing my time and energy with like minded people.

It is not wise to talk about our goals with people who are dysfunctional people, they will only try to put us down.

Handed over money was not a punishment, handed over money was because I could not trust myself with money.

I did not value myself before my recovery.

I did not value money or other people before my recovery.

My recovery was sped up by showing gratitude and appreciation.

By doing so I am expressing my increasing values towards things and people I use to take for granted.

By me showing gratitude and appreciation demonstrated my values today, of how much I care.

Being nice is easy for me today.

I do not fear intimacy with other people today.

In facing all of my fears I took the biggest fear I had and I asked myself what level of fear do I have today.

Ten out of ten being the highest.

In taking the biggest fear I asked myself what is the very worst that can happen.

Once I talk it out and if I am willing to fully accept the very worst that can happen, in that instant my fears reduce.

On walking in to the recovery program my fears were Ten out of ten.

On walking in to the recovery program my fears today are about 1 or 2  out of ten.

I use to fear being questioned.

Then one day I did a talk and a person asked me a question I did not have the answer for.

I did not break down I did indeed laugh and told gathering I did not know the answer, I did not crumble down, I did not panic, I did not feel less of a person.

I did not know, I was inadequate about the answer, but did not internalize it.

So it took me over twenty years to learn and understand what my emotional triggers were.

At the start of my recovery I thought I was there now fix me.

My recovery was learning that I did not heal my pains but just buried them.

Only once I abstained from unhealthy habits could the healing process begin.

One day at a meeting a person said I am glad that I am a compulsive gambler.

My thoughts and thought of others was shock and confusing.

The person explained not having an addiction the person would have never discovered how unhealthy he had become.

The person would have never discovered how much he was missing from life and relationships.

The money was never going to give me emotional resolve or take away the pains I caused myself or other people.

Yet I have found that every pain and every trauma caused fears in me that I did not understand.

Yet more importantly I have found that every pain and every trauma that was healed has become my strength today.

My unhealthy reactions to people life and situations indicated how hurt my inner child was, and that hurt my inner child was not healed.

Pain caused trauma in me, both emotional and physical.

As I started to heal and peel back the onion the tears did flow.

Today I am able to listen, I am able to learn, I am able to relate, I am able to be self sufficient, I am able to be more mature, I am able to embrace emotional intimacy, I am able to communicate in healthy ways, I am able to articulate my feelings and my emotions.

The choice is mine today, to be a talker or a walker.

The most precious things in my life today is time and relationships.

Every other thing comes after those things.

Once in action I asked a close friend of mine of many years would he lend me money.

He declined my request, how ever he told me he would give me money, that completely confused my mind.

He explained to me that our relationship was worth far more than any money.

He did not want to adversely affect our relationship by money issues.

How much do I value myself today.

Am I selfish in my recovery.

Do I know how to celebrate in a healthy way today.

Do I know how to reward myself in a healthy way today.

Do I remain focused on my needs my wants and my goals today.

I do know that the unhealthy person I use to be is not who I am today.

I do know that pride is a reward for being a healthy person today.

Love and peace to everyone.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham.

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  Understanding my emotional triggers pains fear frustrations loneliness and boredom
Posted by: gadaveuk - 11-09-2019, 10:57 AM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

By understanding my emotional triggers of my pains fears frustrations loneliness and boredom.

Each time I went back to my addiction was a lesson if I was willing to learn from them.

I am non religious and yet I do embrace spiritual values.

Each time I escape from people life and situations I get weaker and weaker.

The recovery program was a place where my healing would start if I was willing to heal from the pains of my past.

With each lie comes more fears.

The recovery program was a place where I would become aware of how emotionally vulnerable I was.

Every time I worked for my money and the gave it away or though it away I was causing myself more and more pain.

Some how thinking that money would heal my suffering.

I was like a rat in a wheel going faster an faster getting no where I was wasting time money and relationships.

The addictions and obsessions were just the symptoms that I was very emotionally vulnerable.

Only when I admitted to myself that I was being very unhealthy could I change from my self destructive path in life.

No one could convince I was unhealthy.

No one could stop me gambling.

No one could stop me from me hurting myself.

I was with out faith and hope in myself.

Each time I said to myself oh who cares any way, I was giving up all faith and hope in myself.


The recovery program was a place where I would see and feel myself in other people.

My unhealthy reactions to people life and situations indicated how much pain I was burying and suppressing in myself.

The last date I gambled is less and less important.

It is how healthy I was today that counts.

Were my actions and my words healthy towards myself and healthy towards other people.

Today I am not alone.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

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  Sadly with each lie comes fear, and for me living in fear is disabling.
Posted by: gadaveuk - 11-09-2019, 05:58 AM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

In the recovery program I would understand that I could not do it on my own.

I am a non religious yet with working my recovery program I am healthier than any other time in my life.

I have no emotional attachment to gambling today.

I do not hate gambling, I do not fear gambling, I do not resent gambling today, it has no attraction for me today.

My unhealthy lying started from an early age.

I grew up fearing being honest.

The recovery program empowered me.

Gambling is the very last thing I want to do today.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham,

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  My addictions and my obsessions only indicated that I was emotionally vulnerable
Posted by: gadaveuk - 09-09-2019, 01:03 PM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

My addictions and my obsessions only indicated that I was emotionally vulnerable, that I use to escape people life and situations when I could not cope emotionally .

Today I understand that my addictions and my obsessions were just the symptoms.

The addictions and my obsessions were a form of self abuse, I would work and then give my money away.

I did not see myself as a rat in a wheel going faster and faster getting no where.

How could  think that I loved my addictions and that life was boring.

How could  think that risk taking in every way was fun or exciting.

While I was consumed by the addictions and my obsessions I was escaping and deviating facing myself.

I am a non religious person and feel that people who push religion on to other people has an adverse effect on their recovery.

Sadly in my life the religious people I had experienced were very cruel people who were hypocrites would say one thing and do another.

The trauma in my life adversely affected my ability to learn and absorb education and information.

I lacked the ability to understand logic and reason.

The sooner I moved from telling sad stories and got in to talking about my emotional vulnerability and how to heal and resolve my unhealthy reactions also the sooner my hurt inner child can heal.

Yet one can ask how would recovery help me, it is a very slow healing process.

Due to my addictions and my obsessions it was a form of self abuse when I would hurt myself and people around me.

By abstaining from addictions and my obsessions I was not hurting myself.

Only then could the healing process began.

I could not trust myself with money.

Ideally I would become emotionally detached from gambling.

The wording I used that I was obsessive, I have to, today it is about what is a need and today it is about what is a want, today it is about what is a goal.

My writing down things is my commitment to myself.

Writing down I stay focused and motivated in healthy ways.

Before my recovery I was not motivated in healthy ways.

I did most things reluctantly and resentfully hence their was no reward from my actions.

The recovery program is a healthy healing process.

Before I took the recovery program seriously I was filled with guilt shame remorse hatred jealousy envy impatience and intolerance and that was a good day.

By being healthy we are filled with pride in our self, no matter how nasty and mean I was I am not able to take the pains I caused away from people today.

Pride is the reward for my healthy actions and my healthy words.

Pride in one self is not egotistic.

Pride is not about money or wealth.

Before my recovery I did not feel successful in myself.

So what is success to me today.

It is not money, it is not in material things, success is being and productive in every avenue of my life.

I did not know how to celebrate in a healthy way.

I did not know how to take a compliment in a healthy way.

I did not know how to show appreciation and gratitude.

I did not know how to have intimate relationships with other people.

I use to fear the opposite sex.

So today my addictions and my obsessions are not things I want or need in my life today.

The choice is mine today.

Am I willing to be selfish in my recovery today.

How much effort am I worth today.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

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  Day 2 no gambling
Posted by: JAM123 - 29-08-2019, 07:49 PM - Forum: Share Section - Replies (2)

Hi Everyone. 

Completely new to all of this but I figured it would help getting this weight off my chest. 
A little bit about me, I'm 26 years old and have been struggling with gambling since about the age of 19. I still remember the first time I won when I walked into a bookies and I went home with a bit of money in my pocket at the age of 19. It felt easy.. like I could win all of the time. 

This obviously wasnt the case and my gambling slowly started to get worse. I think the turning point was university. I received a student loan and thought wow, all of this money.. what do I do. I remember it like it was yesterday, I started gambling small amounts out of boredom, but it got considerably worse until one day i just spiralled out of control and lost £xxx in about 30 mins on the machines. I felt completely broken and didnt know what to do myself. 

As the years went by I started to take loans, credit cards and my debt just increased. I continued to tell myself time after time, what are you doing with your life? but Id find myself in the bookies time after time. I was now taking out £xxx at a time and it was just ridiculous. I had some wins of xxxx along the way and this just fueled my habit more. 

I started a masters degree in 2017 which I didnt finish because I couldnt make the loan payments (due to gambling) 

The worst part for me is just lying to family members and friends/girlfriends. Ill be honest, I havent told a soul. Not even my parents or best friends. That's what makes it so difficult for me, its like my dirty secret. I nearly told my girlfriend a few weeks ago but felt so ashamed. It has got me really down at times, losing my money week after week and just wanting to talk to someone about it. My actions and behaviour has left me in debt of which I am paying back now. I recently moved to london for a job which is going to put me in a really good place career wise. 

however, the past few weeks ive found myself in a bookies again spending my wages. Yesterday I cut all of my cards up and just have my apple pay on my phone. 

I cant tell you how motivated I am to beat this horrible addiction. I am in a good place career wise and dont want to mess up. I want to be able to enjoy my money instead of spending it on gambling.

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