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Can't resist the adrenaline rush - MWcam - 02-01-2020

I have been gambling for nearly 20 years now. My wife (girlfriend at the time) first told me I had a problem about 15 years ago and made me count up what I had lost (many £xx) and I said I would stop. I did for a while but then found myself lured back in again, starting off small and then getting bigger. I confessed to my wife as it got out of hand (again) about 5 years ago and put 5 year blocks, purchased Gamban for my phone and laptop and that worked until just a few months ago when I logged onto Sky for this Super 6 game I play and realised that my block had ended (and having changed phones Gamban was no longer installed). 
I was going through a bit of a tough time at home, and it looked like we weren't going to be moving as our house was up for sale and it had all gone quiet. With the realisation that we would be stuck in our current house for another year, no mortgage company going to need to look at my bank account and the block ending I succumbed and setup a new account.
As I earn pretty good money now I could afford some losses so would just put in £xx here and there, but also make withdrawals to stop my account building up too much (on the winning streaks) so that I never fell back and started gambling £xx again. I had that part under some control but without realising I was spending huge amounts of time gambling (sneaking off in private to place another flurry of bets) as I discovered the exchange. And I would lay against favourites in horses/ greyhounds as these were happening so often. Then my wife caught me hiding something one night, I gave her my phone and she found the betting app and rightfully lost it. Ironically I had been on a long winning run so had built up some funds as well as making withdrawals and that was what annoyed me at first. However as she trawled through and saw how many bets (£xx a day) it dawned on me that it was taking over my life again, and potentially ruining it and others around me at the same time. 
For her, it wasn't the gambling but the lying and hiding of it that upset her the most. I have never felt guilt like it, and for the first time in our relationship I actually looked at myself and thought why does she put up with me. I'd hate me if I found out something like that so how must she feel. We have 4 kids that I have risked because of gambling, in addition to a loving and supportive wife. I have closed the account and again blocked and locked everything out. We are going to try and move house again this year so I know for the short term I can do this, once we finally move I fear another battle or temptation may come but my wife just keeps on telling me to be honest and tell her how I feel so we can try and get through this.
She is not a fan of counselling but I felt posting here might at least help me get something off my chest.


RE: Can't resist the adrenaline rush - Simmo - 03-01-2020

Hi MWcam,

Welcome to the forum, and well done for sharing. I remember periods of not gambling, but the old habit enevitably returned given the opportunity. By going to GA every week, I get the opportunity to get whatever is going on in my life off of my chest and re-affirm my position to not gamble. If you havn't done so already, I strongly suggest having a look for your nearest meeting and give it a try.

In Unity

Simmo


RE: Can't resist the adrenaline rush - gadaveuk - 06-02-2020

(02-01-2020, 12:23 PM)MWcam Wrote: I have been gambling for nearly 20 years now. My wife (girlfriend at the time) first told me I had a problem about 15 years ago and made me count up what I had lost (many £xx) and I said I would stop. I did for a while but then found myself lured back in again, starting off small and then getting bigger. I confessed to my wife as it got out of hand (again) about 5 years ago and put 5 year blocks, purchased Gamban for my phone and laptop and that worked until just a few months ago when I logged onto Sky for this Super 6 game I play and realised that my block had ended (and having changed phones Gamban was no longer installed). 
I was going through a bit of a tough time at home, and it looked like we weren't going to be moving as our house was up for sale and it had all gone quiet. With the realisation that we would be stuck in our current house for another year, no mortgage company going to need to look at my bank account and the block ending I succumbed and setup a new account.
As I earn pretty good money now I could afford some losses so would just put in £xx here and there, but also make withdrawals to stop my account building up too much (on the winning streaks) so that I never fell back and started gambling £xx again. I had that part under some control but without realising I was spending huge amounts of time gambling (sneaking off in private to place another flurry of bets) as I discovered the exchange. And I would lay against favourites in horses/ greyhounds as these were happening so often. Then my wife caught me hiding something one night, I gave her my phone and she found the betting app and rightfully lost it. Ironically I had been on a long winning run so had built up some funds as well as making withdrawals and that was what annoyed me at first. However as she trawled through and saw how many bets (£xx a day) it dawned on me that it was taking over my life again, and potentially ruining it and others around me at the same time. 
For her, it wasn't the gambling but the lying and hiding of it that upset her the most. I have never felt guilt like it, and for the first time in our relationship I actually looked at myself and thought why does she put up with me. I'd hate me if I found out something like that so how must she feel. We have 4 kids that I have risked because of gambling, in addition to a loving and supportive wife. I have closed the account and again blocked and locked everything out. We are going to try and move house again this year so I know for the short term I can do this, once we finally move I fear another battle or temptation may come but my wife just keeps on telling me to be honest and tell her how I feel so we can try and get through this.
She is not a fan of counselling but I felt posting here might at least help me get something off my chest.

Hi

I was a risk taker from an early age in my life.

The adrenaline rush the build up the anticipation was a high for me.

Sadly I did not want to acknowledge the high numbers of fears that I lived in.

By attending the spiritual recovery program I got to feel more comfortable, I got to open up more.

Talking about being in action in time I would recognize I needed to remove myself from such unhealthy stimulases.

The addictions and the obsessions were just the symptoms I was very emotionally vulnerable.

Because of abuse in my life, because of all kinds of abuse I got in to the unhealthy habits of burying and suppressing my pains.

Most people found it difficult to move on from my past.

The spiritual recovery program was going to help me see myself in other people.

Today I am an equal to all people, I am an equal to being honest to all people, 

No one made me gamble, I made that unhealthy choice myself.

I was a rat in a wheel going faster and faster towards complete self destruction.

Today it is just about living just for today.

Today it is just about living just for today.

Just for today I am not willing to hurt myself or hurt other people.

Love and peace to everyone

Dave L

Dave of Beckenham


RE: Can't resist the adrenaline rush - gadaveuk - 07-02-2020

(02-01-2020, 12:23 PM)MWcam Wrote: I have been gambling for nearly 20 years now. My wife (girlfriend at the time) first told me I had a problem about 15 years ago and made me count up what I had lost (many £xx) and I said I would stop. I did for a while but then found myself lured back in again, starting off small and then getting bigger. I confessed to my wife as it got out of hand (again) about 5 years ago and put 5 year blocks, purchased Gamban for my phone and laptop and that worked until just a few months ago when I logged onto Sky for this Super 6 game I play and realised that my block had ended (and having changed phones Gamban was no longer installed). 
I was going through a bit of a tough time at home, and it looked like we weren't going to be moving as our house was up for sale and it had all gone quiet. With the realisation that we would be stuck in our current house for another year, no mortgage company going to need to look at my bank account and the block ending I succumbed and setup a new account.
As I earn pretty good money now I could afford some losses so would just put in £xx here and there, but also make withdrawals to stop my account building up too much (on the winning streaks) so that I never fell back and started gambling £xx again. I had that part under some control but without realising I was spending huge amounts of time gambling (sneaking off in private to place another flurry of bets) as I discovered the exchange. And I would lay against favourites in horses/ greyhounds as these were happening so often. Then my wife caught me hiding something one night, I gave her my phone and she found the betting app and rightfully lost it. Ironically I had been on a long winning run so had built up some funds as well as making withdrawals and that was what annoyed me at first. However as she trawled through and saw how many bets (£xx a day) it dawned on me that it was taking over my life again, and potentially ruining it and others around me at the same time. 
For her, it wasn't the gambling but the lying and hiding of it that upset her the most. I have never felt guilt like it, and for the first time in our relationship I actually looked at myself and thought why does she put up with me. I'd hate me if I found out something like that so how must she feel. We have 4 kids that I have risked because of gambling, in addition to a loving and supportive wife. I have closed the account and again blocked and locked everything out. We are going to try and move house again this year so I know for the short term I can do this, once we finally move I fear another battle or temptation may come but my wife just keeps on telling me to be honest and tell her how I feel so we can try and get through this.
She is not a fan of counselling but I felt posting here might at least help me get something off my chest.
Hi

I did not understand that my risk taking and my adrenaline rush was a very unhealthy habit which started from a very early age.

The recovery program would help me understand my emotional triggers and how to deal with them in a much healthier way.

With every lie I told caused my fears in me to grow.

I use to fear being honest, I use to fear emotional intimacy, I use to fear failing, I use to fear rejection and abandonment, I use to fear being myself.

So why would I lie, why would I avoid even trying new experiences.

In time I would understand that my life was emotionally vulnerable from a very early age.

When I escaped people life and situations I could not cope well.

The recovery program for me was the ability to heal my pains, to face my fears and be able to live a much healthier life.

As I slowly identified my emotional triggers I did not have to escape people life and situations.

I use to blame every one and everything when things went wrong or did not go my way.

The longer I was in the recovery program I was able to abstain from many unhealthy habits.

Yet to identify each unhealthy habit and change those unhealthy habits in to healthy habit.

It was not wise for me to have free idle time with out being productive.

In time each day I would write down my needs my wants and my goals and be able to ask myself was it a healthy productive day.

How could I possible think that giving my hard earned money to complete strangers while I and my family with and think it was fun.

Every time I said to myself oh who cares any way was the very instant I was going to justify doing or saying some thing unhealthy and even give up faith and hope in myself.

For me the recovery program is a method of me healing and being able to listen to my own conscience.

Escaping in any way indicated that my fers inhibited me in so many ways.

Money was never going to heal my pains.

Money was was the fuel for my addiction.

For me the spiritual recovery program is a healthy place for me to see myself in other people both healthy and unhealthy.

By humbling myself to other people I was going to be an equal to all people.

Learning to be patient and tolerant took me along time.

Once I was able to abstain only  then could I be more productive in myself.

I am a non religious person, yet I thoroughly embrace spiritual values.

I was a very unhealthy lost soul who saw no way out of the vicious loop of self destruction I was doing to myself.

In time I found out that I use to stress myself out.

Anxiety, nervousness, stress, anxiety, and my control issues were all fear based issues.

Being in recovery I am able to see that reference to normal  is not very healthy at all.

The spiritual recovery program is a healthy manual to a healthier life.

No one made me gamble, it was my choice, my choice today is to work my recovery as much as possible.

Living off credit was not very healthy, living off credit meant I was paying over twenty five per cent more to live my every day life.

I use to think that life was boring and gambling was fun.

How could I think that self abusing myself and my family was in way fun.

The more meetings I went to the less fear I lived in, having less fear meant I felt more comfortable.

The spiritual recovery program is just for today.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham.


RE: Can't resist the adrenaline rush - gadaveuk - 19-02-2020

(07-02-2020, 10:01 AM)gadaveuk Wrote: Hi

On walking in to the recovery I did not know that I did not value myself.

I did not know that my motives for doing things were unhealthy.

The risk taking indicated that I did not value myself.

I did not know what level of fear I lived in.

Taking the recovery program seriously I would exchange unhealthy habits in to healthy habits.

Now I listen to people growth and healing and find my ability to understand and learn have grown.

Just for today I will not gamble is not about the gambling or the money. 

Just for today I will not gamble is about me valuing myself and other people.

The healthy people in the recovery program would help me make healthier choices more often.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham.