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Help me help my husband - Guest - 21-04-2010

My husband gambles, how can I help him we have been together for 18 years have two great kids but still he gambles. Life could be bliss but its like being on a tread mill that you can't get off, always paying off debt, feeling like you are getting somewhere to find out there is even more debt because of the gambling.

He has been clever I thought I had controll of all the banking including credit cards but with on-line gambling he managed to remember all numbers needed to sign in and has run up another large debt. How can I stop the on-line gambling???

Is it me? Am I being incredible dense? Should I have seen this happening? Could I have controlled the computer better? Etc Etc

What can I do to help stop this never ending MESS????

Reading other peoples thoughts I am lucky that he has told me what is going on, but like all others he is remorseful and wants to change, all things that I have heard before. He can stop, but only for a few months and then it starts all over again.

Sorry if this doen't make sense nothing seem to at the moment.

Re: Help me help my husband - Guest - 22-04-2010

Hi dalove27

Sorry to hear of your all too common situation.

I am a CG. i have been clean now for 15 months.

Fact ONE: Your husband has to WANT to stop. He can say he wants to stop all he likes, but if he doesn't mean it, he won't stop gambling.

Fact TWO: Do NOT balme yourself. You are in no way to blame. Often the affected relatives feel guilt about something they should have seen/could have done etc... But, I repeat, you are not to blame.

CG's are devious, clever,lying,deceitful mongrels. And yes that described me when I was gambling. I cared for no one but myself & when I could next gamble any money I had.

I am from Australia, but I do know that there are programs that you can install on your computer that will prevent entry to most gambling sites. I will send you a private message re this.

You did not mention whether your husband has sought out help. GA or the various helplines etc.
He has to want to help himself to stop. Nobody can do it for him. There is no quick fix.

Have a look for your nearest GA and GAMANON meeting.

Best wishes

Re: Help me help my husband - Guest - 26-04-2010

Thank you for your kind thoughts.

I have spoken to my husband about going to meetings but he doesn't seem interested or should I use his words "I don't need help I can do this" I'm not going to push too much as we both seem to have hot rock bottom, he is especially feeling depressed (is this common) so I'll mention it agian in a few days.
Thanks also for the info on computers I am looking at what I can do to stop the on-line gaming.

I cant say thanks enough, can't talk to family so it was good to sound off a bit and get straight forward answers.

Best wishes

Re: Help me help my husband - Guest - 27-04-2010

Hi Di

Good idea not to push him. You will only push him further toward gambling as ameans of "escape into his dreamworld".

FYI, I have only been attending GA for 15 months, but in that time I have heard of ONLY one case where someone has been able to remain gamble free (at this stage) by going it alone. Sobering thought!!!

One of the hardest thing for a gambler to do is let go of the money that he/she has already lost. We are always chasing that elusive "big win" which will solve all our problems...(financial problems anyway). We have to come to terms with the fact that the money we have lost is lost forever, and the only way forward is to NOT gamble. This is one of the many reasons why your husband is so depressed. He probably hates what he is doing, loathes himself, has no urge to do anything.

This is all too common with us.

Depression is extremely common with a CG, as with all addictions. We don't get high on drugs or alcohol, we get our high from gambling... the thrill of winning or losing. After the gambling urge has passed, and we are skint, that is when depression really kicks in. About a third of my GA group are on medication to treat our depression.

Re your accounts. The easiest fix is for you to change all your accounts. You can keep your same bank if you like, but just request a new account. When you do this, enquire about what you have to do to ensure that you, and you alone are able to withdraw money from that account. You might have to sign a form stipulating that your signature only has to be on the withdrawal form .

All the best from Brisbane


Re: Help me help my husband - Guest - 27-04-2010

Hi Di,

A good way of stopping the online gambling is to tell the card companies you have lost the cards. They will issue new ones with a different numder, pin, and security code on the back. This will invalidate all his online betting accounts.

You must make sure you get to the post first though, or you run the risk of it all starting again. You can arrange to pick the cards up at a high street branch to stop this in most cases. They will not post to an alternative address.

My wife had to do this to stop me from doing the same thing. It works.


Derek M

Re: Help me help my husband - Guest - 10-05-2010

Not posted anything for a couple of weeks thought we had turned a bit of a corner, but no my husband had a bad couple of days, BUT and it is a big but he has at long last said he needs help.

Part of me is pleased the other half is feeling really sad, but it is a start.

Thank you for all the advice. I have taken control of ALL finances, set a budget and will give my husband just some general living money ie Bus fare . Is this a good thing or am I treating him too much like a child???????

Also no one in the family can use the computer without me being present to keep checking what sites they have accessed.

We have a 12year old daughter who knows that something is going on should I keep her guessing or be hoonest with her and tell her about her dad.

Thank you for your thought it has helped to keep me positive, so I'll keep popping back just to have a chat.


Re: Help me help my husband - Guest - 10-05-2010

Hi Di

You said..... "Thank you for all the advice. I have taken control of ALL finances, set a budget and will give my husband just some general living money ie Bus fare . Is this a good thing or am I treating him too much like a child???????" are treating him like a child... But believe me, you need to.
I gave control of my finances away for 12 months....I was given a monthly allowance only.
It is one of the better ways to help ensure we do not gamble if the urge hits us.

Re your daughter....I am no where near qualified in that regard to offer any advice.
I guess depending how mature she is for her age would be a factor for you to consider though...
However I think that is a question for a professional counsellor to answer.

Best wishes again