Gamblers Anonymous Forum
Cry for help - Printable Version

+- Gamblers Anonymous Forum (
+-- Forum: Main Forum (
+--- Forum: Share Section (
+--- Thread: Cry for help (/showthread.php?tid=3022)

Pages: 1 2

Cry for help - ROMFORD DEN - 07-05-2011

How many chances do I give my husband. For the last two years he has been taking money from the account and my credit cards running up large debts. Every weekend rows, denials, tears then promises that it won't happen again. We now sleep in separate rooms and he blames me. He has forgotten that it was because he kept taking money that destroyed the trust. He looks at me in anger when he's been caught out. I have today found that some of my jewellery is missing. I have given him so many chances, that I cannot believe another word he says. I have had no money in my purse because I am always juggling the bills. He breaks my heart every time. I don''t think he will ever sort it out. At times I have felt like a failure and have felt suicidal with worry. I didn't know if it was another woman, drugs or what.
Now he is stating that he has put it in fruit machines. The question is, do I throw away my marriage or as I am now seeing it, prevent another two years of complete an utter misery?

Re: Cry for help - Guest - 07-05-2011

Hi Nessa,

it must be so difficult for you and I cannot really relate to you as I am a compulsive gambler, and not a victim of one.

So let me start by saying that this is just my own opinion, and not advice from GA.

Your husband is showing every symptom of being a comulsive gambler. He is lying, sneaking, cheating, spending money he hasn't got, stealing, getting angry if challenged and so on. And CGs do not get better unless they hit bottom, admit they have a probelm, seriously and honestly want help, and get it. GA can give that help, but not until the other things have happened first.

It does not appear he is ready to do this, and some never are, so my advice would be to stop torturing yourself. Protect yourself both emotionaly and financialy. If you cannot do this with him, then find someone who can help and do it without him. Bailing him out, and supporting him will NOTin the long term help him. IF!!! he finally admits his illness and that he has no power over gambling, and seeks help, you will have to be sure he is really serious about it. We can be very devious people if we want something, and he may not be genuine. BE SURE and protect your life, as it is not worth wasting it over someone who takes and takes and tries to put their guilt on others. There is always hope, but that is for you to decide.

Only my opinion, but if it helps????

Take care.

My name is Chris and I am a compulsive gambler.

Re: Cry for help - barrieexgambler - 08-05-2011

I have to agree with the last post protect yourself and your finances. For me I was never ready to admit my failings and gambled everything away. It was until rock bottom that I found sanctity in GA and day by day I have improved my life, I had to want it however.

Maybe the final ultimatum should be GA or the highway...and mean it.

If he then chooses GA you need to control everry aspect of the finances and he has to accept that you will. If he chooses the highway I hope you can one day try to understand this desease but find something better in your own life.

Be strong..


Re: Cry for help - ROMFORD DEN - 08-05-2011

Thanks for replies Chris and Barrie and for your honesty. It means a lot from people who really know. Yesterday I ripped a necklace from my neck and threw it at him - I told him to sell it. Funny how hurt he was, but the jewellery that has gone missing were 21st birthday gifts from my parents. I am now 43. He even dragged his 12 year old son into this row.
He tells his family that he only took some money from the account (Like he's ever paid a bill) I got in my car last night with every intention of driving and never coming back. It's that look of disgust he gives me when I challange him.
His mother was compulsive gambler too - inheritated tens of thousands and gave it all to the bingo halls and fruit machines. She obviously hasn't been told the full truth by him, and puts it in his head that we should have joint accounts.
I know she has encouraged him too! I ripped up the wedding album last night too! The vows which I took so seriously, mean nothing to him.
During a bad time, he contacted my family asking if I was having an affair. He family shun me too - obviously all the lies.
Is this common to be made out the villian? I am writing all this stuff, because I want him to undersand why I left.
His friends text him messages asking if he is ok - God knows what stories he has told them.
I will be the villain in this, and I think I have finally realised this will not change.
I have bald tyres on the front of my car (for three years). My glasses are five years out of date and I give myself home made haircuts. My friends and family comment on how I have let myself go.
Sorry, but this is really turning out to be a message for him now as I intend to let him read this.
It hurts to know this will not change, and it really hurts to leave this marriage. I will never trust again.
I was in a volatile relationship before, and this hurts far more. Please tell me why I feel so ashamed!

Re: Cry for help - ROMFORD DEN - 08-05-2011

Dear John,

You told one lie too many.
You have portrayed me to be the villain, a bitch, money grabbing nasty piece of work.
Your family shun me, our friends think you are the life and soul of everything because you can smile and laugh.
You are the best friend that anyone could have, you are kind, helpful and caring.
Everyone thinks I am miserable and boring. I find it hard to talk to people now, because I find it difficult to lie.
I can no longer paint a smile on my face and pretend everything is rosy. I have a conscious, I feel guilty and so run down that I wish I would never wake up again.
I have finally come to realise that I am feeling guilty because I believed I drove you to gamble everything away.
I now have realised that this is not true.
Your kindness and smiles have not been for me.
Your son hates me, yet I am the one who walked to work with holes in my shoes so that he could have School Uniform, Birthday Presents and Christmas Presents. You have taught him to regard me with contempt.
I will take that from him, as I don't want him to know the truth - he is 12 years old and does not need the burden.
You can tell friends and family all the lies you like about me - If that makes you feel better.
I will always love the man I married, but not the husband I have now for he does not care.
Words are cheap, tears are easy from you, but I now have an appt with doctor to get some help as I don't want to go on anymore.
I know your first concern will be finding the bank cards and your appt with the bookmakers and God that hurts me so much!
Lap up the sympathy that comes your way, I won't say a word. I don't have the strength anymore and I really don't care.
Good luck to you - You will make fantastic husband for someone when you have sorted yourself out.
I just ask you to remember who you destroyed on your way.
It was me that was kind, caring, considerate, who loved you so much, who wants you to have a happy future.
It was you that got it so wrong -
This is the first step to my recovery - I want to one day be able to smile again

Re: Cry for help - cuffy72 - 08-05-2011


I am sorry to hear what you are going through.I have to agree with the other guys that you have to help yourself first.

But " For Richer for Poorer in sickness and in health"

Your husband is a sick man suffering from an awful illness and will need all the support he can get if he chooses to face his demon.

Like the other guys have said " you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink" definitley applies to compulsive gamblers.

My partner recently left me,I dont blame her one bit and take full responsibility for my actions.How ever she was the one that inspired me to seek help because of my love for her.Its been one hell of a struggle but with her support my recovery would have been much easier.That is thepoint im trying to make.We are sick people who need as much help and support as we can get.we certainly dont deserve it but that is the truth

I wish you well whatever your decision is

My Names Steve I am a compulsive Gamber my last bet was 2.2.2011

Re: Cry for help - ROMFORD DEN - 08-05-2011

Thank you so much for your replies - I am still hurting, but I now know what to do.
"For richer for poorer" - well I've done that more times than I can count
"For sickness and in health" - well I've done that on my own, for it is my health that has suffered.
It felt strange writing on a forum, speaking to strangers, but you feel like the closest friends I have for you have all been so honest about it all. You have given me the honesty I have been craving for the last two years.
He is still in denial, still lying to me and probably always will.
I would like to wish you the best of luck for the future - may it be a happy one for you all.
You have helped me more than you will ever realise - For none of you know how much despair I have been in, thinking of terrible things. I feel stronger now - Thank you

Re: Cry for help - cuffy72 - 08-05-2011

Best Wishes for the future Nessa x

Re: Cry for help - barrieexgambler - 09-05-2011

Wow, First I would like to say you have borught something "home" to me in so much as you have been very couragious to leave this man. I am however a great believer in the vows we take at the alter and the sactity of marriage so even though you have protected yourself by leaving i would like you to understand that this may have made him think a little bit about what he has been doing to you.

However you have had someone hurt and continue hurting you for some time now and I believe the post mayu have been the "straw that broke the camels back".

The reason for my post now is to try to ask that you stay calm in all aspects of this and try to take the higher stance and viewpoint with a purpose of trying to get this man to understand the reasons you have left.

If you feel now there is no return then best wishes to you, stay strong.

If you feel you can in fact help him with encouragement in regards to abstaining or seeking GA to help with his problems then do that as a "friend" and from a distance.

You will feel there is blame apportioned but I can see you were at your wits end in terms of this.



Re: Cry for help - ROMFORD DEN - 09-05-2011

Thanks again for your support.
We had more tears last night, but he is still in denial that he has a problem.
His family are removing me from Facebook - as well as becoming friends with his ex (10 years ago and someone they all supposedly hated)
I cook, clean, wash,iron, have bailed his family more times than I can count.
He goes fishing every weekend, which I thought might help.
I have not been taken out for over 8 years now.
I guess it's the lies he has to tell to cover himself. His 12 year old son shouted at me this weekend - what am I doing to his dad - but I have not told a soul.
I was starting to think I had a mental health issues.
He did say to me that I was the most beautiful person he had ever known (in personality that it), but he is obviously not telling anyone else that.
I guess this is all part of the cover up. I am now strong enough to not care about them all.
Funny thing is, he ran to his mum yesterday for support - but they are kindred spirits. She has taken more money off me with sob stories than I care to count.
All she will ever do is advise him that I am wrong for him. This is the woman who would ask for her rent money from me then spend it at Bingo.
Since I cut off the financial support to her - I went from being the daughter she wished she had, to the wicked wife his son married.
Birds of a feather stick together - Whenever there has been problem - it is a night out at Bingo to cheer everyone up.
I am still trying to support him, and we are going to talk tonight. I will go to meetings with him if I am allowed, or wait in the carpark for him. I want him to have a happy future, but deep down I know that while he is living this lie and his mother backs him, I have no chance of a future with him.
Blood is thicker than water, and his family have more issues than a day-time chat show. I know I can't make him choose which is why I have to leave, but I will help him as much as I can, Thank you all again - you have been lifesavers - in more ways than you will know x