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Am I the healthiest person I can be today without addictions - gadaveuk - 25-02-2015

My name is Dave of Beckenham. I am a compulsive Gambler! I am becoming a healthy spiritual person each day, yet I am not a religion person.

I have experienced a lot of pain in my life, just to list a few, broken leg with bone jutting out of my left leg, been cut with knife and broken bottle, been beaten by 4 or 5 young cowardly thugs, and with some of that excessive physical pain I did go in to a state of trauma.

Once the body goes in to a state of shock or trauma the body shuts down to the feelings of physical pains, it is like a state numbness.

During those painful periods people transferred their pains fear and frustration on to me, so with some physical pains people cause you pains and fears, for me this dumping on to me was harder to heal.

When I walked in to the spiritual recovery program, I did not know or understand that I was in a state of emotional trauma, I had harmed myself so much I felt lost and in a haze, like I was not really living my life, my senses and awareness were suppressed.

With my emotional trauma due to excessive pains I caused myself, I felt so helpless worthless and felt that my destiny in my life was all set by chance and luck, the only way I felt successful in the old days was by getting easy money, or not putting any amount of effort in to my life.

From day one entering the spiritual recovery program I did not have a clue what my feelings and emotions were, I felt so much trapped most of the time I so much wanted to run and hide from being accountable to myself and to other people.

Once people move from war stories you cross the line and start to talk from the heart, this is when fear reduces and by relating to other people we see our self in other people, in time by being in the spiritual recovery program we will learn to cry and feel through all of our emotional ranges and will even learn to laugh at our self.

By the way when we laugh at our self that is a good indicator of us having forgiven our self and healed some of our own emotional pains.

As we heal emotional emotionally our tendency to run and escape in our fear reduces, once we understand that each fear we have is a consequences of unresolved pains and unhealed pains of our past.

My being over sensitive and reacting to anger was a good indicator that the deep seated pains of my past were healed or resolved, the simple fact I had just buried and suppressed the deep seated pains of my past even more than I could imagine.

Unhealthy dysfunctional people were victims of their past in order to become a perpetrator you have had to been a victim at some time in your life.

Today I do not react to unhealthy angry dysfunctional people, I have compassion for those sad people who will try and make other peoples lives painful and difficult.

How do people learn to push peoples buttons, is it at school or from family issues.

At what point in our life do we decide that being unhealthy is not my choice today.

Can a person find a healthy productive recovery without having any religious belief what so ever, for me it was possible, sitting on my hands and only abstaining is not what spiritual recovery program is about.

Only once we understand each of emotional triggers can we say there is no reason to escape to unhealthy habits again.

There will always be bitter twisted angry people who are not willing to them selves that living that way is unhealthy.

I have lost count of the number of people who have said the only person I hurt was myself. For me only once I got deeper in to twenty questions and answered honestly would I understand how adversely I affected myself and other people.

Once you work out your net hourly rate and devide that net hourly rate in to monies lost you see it is not money that was most but more importantly time.

How many hours weeks and months did I need to work to pay back all the monies I owed, how long would I go with out to be fully mature and accountable and pay back monies owed in full.

There was one person that refused to accept back money I had taken from her and that was my mother, I explained me paying back the money owed was not about the money but more about me getting healthier.

My anger and rage comes out rarely these days, I plan things and am always willing to have a plan B in case things do not work out.

As I talk to people the reason they talk to me changes as our relationships change and grow, when people ask for help it is a need thing for them, yet after time once people feel completely comfortable the reason we meet is because they want to meet with me.

In m time I have lost count of people who I have shared with, some might even think that abstaining is what recovery is all about.

Step twelve how do I help people with their recovery, am I comfortable with new people, can they trust me so that they can talk about anything, is our sharing a two way street, everyone has something worthwhile and beneficial to offer me to learn from.

The new car is a very pleasant car, I feel very nervous driving it, yet enjoy it, it gives me comfort and helps me feel my rides are much safer now.

I took my uncle for ride in it today, we also played snooker and had a meal out, my uncle was very close with my father and he got to know him well, when I am with my uncle I feel a part of my father is with me also.

I saw American sniper, I had a tear at the end of the movie and will not tell you the story, yet felt it was worth while going.

This summer I hope I am able to do some yard work, I would like to level out and get some grass seed in to play, making it level is very important to me, I do try to give the best of my efforts.

The words to watch out for in my life is to say to myself oh who cares any way, a that point I was often giving up on myself.

Often people will say things like I do not care what people think, is it true to say that if I am healing in healthy way one of the things I do need to do is care more and more, often we will say things that are not true and do represent what we are trying to say.

When I say I do not care what people think, is not true for me to say today, if people have something that makes me healthier or productive towards me being healthy I am only willing to listen to good advice willingly.

I now see and understand that bullies are in fact cowardly people, bullies are weak inept ignorant unhealthy people who think they can get what they want or need by intimidating other people, are they sulking people, then that means they have not matured and grown up.

I understand that I was very much the victim, then moved on to and justified transferring my pains fear and frustrations on to other people.

Yesterday I asked Shirley my wife that if I told her I had gambled what would that do to her, we discussed such an event, I was able to safe to Shirley my wife that I was very proud of her and how much she meant to me today.

No matter where I go on this planet I am able to meet with like minded people who choose to consciously to have a much healthier life today.

We are very much like mountain climbers whos trust is made much easier because of the experience honesty and the rope of hope that helps keep us all connected.

Every time I broke out in my unhealthy addictions and obsessions my pride confidence self worth and trust in myself took a big dive for the worst.

The strength of any meeting is not down to one person, or even about time off, for me the strength of any healthy recovery room is based up deep seated honesty.

There are many different rooms at different levels of their recovery, often people can take or read body language in an incorrect way, when a person is honest a person’s sign might be taken as disappointment or disapproval, often peoples sighs are in fact them feeling your pains and disappointments.

There was a time when I feared facing myself, I feared the opposite sex, I feared being accountable and honest, I feared appearing to be weak or stupid, I feared having emotional intimacy with people, I feared trying doing new things with my found time.

When I was in prison I did not feel responsible for my stealing, I use to cry myself to sleep like a little vulnerable lost abandoned baby, when I walked in to the spiritual recovery program the only way up was up, I felt that I could not go any lower than how I felt within myself.

The addictions obsessions and being panicky were just the symptoms that I could not cope with life or people, today because I have invested so much of my time and energy in to spiritual recovery which for me is not religious has empowered me in so many ways.

Main focus on entering the spiritual recovery program I did not have a clue how unhealthy I was, I use to question if I was evil stupid or dumb, why would I do something that would hurt me and the people I was suppose to love.

In the past if you asked me what was the most costly bet I could have had, I would have honestly talked about money lost, today the most costly bet I could have would have been losing my families love and trust for ever.

This week I asked Shirley my wife if I told her I had a bet the day before how would she cope with that happening now at this time. Shirley my wife reminded me once more that it was not about the money lost but what was painful the unhealthy I became when I was in any kind of unhealthy addiction or obsession.

I try very hard not to escape in any form or way today, it is very important to identify my fears when they raise their head, and to face those fears head on.

In the spiritual recovery program I thought it would try to control and regulate me, that was due to my own insecurity and feeling so inept in myself.

Anger for me is an unhealthy reaction to my pain my fear or my frustrations, anger is and was an indicator that I had or have unresolved issues of my past, the more over sensitive I am to being angry tells me that I am not healing my pains in a healthy way.

For me from being anger and having unresolved unhealed pains I then go to having resentments which indicates again I have not healed my pains, for me anger and resentments adversely affect me in how I feel and adverse affect my serenity and my relationships with other people.

Often when I have unresolved emotional issues I would be react in an unhealthy ways towards people and life, as I heal and grow my unhealthy reaction to life and people changes to be a calmer content and being at peace with myself, and with other people.

Is worrying about what people think of me tied to person pleasing, who do I seek approval from, why am I not able to give myself approval, am I able to compliment myself for my healthy actions and healthy words today.

Do I still think that people will no longer want or need me if I am honest and am myself today, and think people will reject me or abandon if I am myself, at what point in my life can I be myself.

As I exposed the emotional abuse sexual abuse and physical abuse I went through during my life, people did not walk away from me, as I exposed the emotional abuse and physical abuse I caused other people did people in the recovery program abandon me or reject me.

There is no right or wrong in the spiritual recovery program it is just me about becoming healthier and healthier each day, to become more productive in my actions and my words.

Is being angry an unhealthy dysfunctional behavior, is being angry or reacting in anger productive in any way, do people really think that the only way to get things done is by being angry.

What are my motives today, why do I do or say things today, do I do things for myself, even though I do things for other people, are my motives today selfish, do I go to the rooms because I think I know everything, or do I go to the rooms because I know and feel I have so much more to gain in my spiritual recovery today.

The more I learn the more I know how ignorant I am today, to think that ignorance is stupidity is not healthy, if I do not know I do not know there is no reason and it is unhealthy to beat myself up not having knowledge of something.

I vacuumed out our old car, we did our needs in the home, after that Shirley & I went looking at cars yesterday, I fitted new light fixing in bathroom early in the morning, we did some shopping, went to a local friends house, Shirley chatted and I played pool, then we sat and chatted for some time, then to end day we had a meal out.

I have plans of things to do tomorrow, I have listed my needs, I have listed my wants and also listed my goals.

At this time we are also looking at houses for my son because he is considering coming back to Calgary to live this year, giving my opinion on structures of houses on market helps Mark feel he would not be wasting his time coming over just yet.

Before entering the spiritual recovery program I did not have a clue how unhealthy I was, working for hours weeks years decades and giving that hard effort and time to complete strangers at the gambling establishments while I and my family went without.

Today those unhealthy times were not about the money, during my unhealthy habits I was going faster and faster getting nowhere, just like a rat in the wheel, in those unhealthy days I felt I did have a choice.

Going to prison I did not feel responsible for my actions, when I lied to people I did not feel responsible for my actions, when I walked in to the spiritual recovery program I really did not feel responsible for my actions.

Today I fully understand that unhealthy actions and unhealthy words and unhealthy habits have unhealthy consequences, by being in the spiritual recovery program as I become healthier my actions and words become healthier, my healthy actions and healthy words have healthy consequences.

By becoming more and more accountable to myself I become more and more honest and make healthier choices each day.

The spiritual recovery program is about healing and learning to take slow baby steps, to not fear change but to embrace it, I am able to grow and mature and let go of my past, who I was is not who I am today, what I was is not what I am today, by healing maturing and growing I am now someone I can respect today.

The world never changed for my benefit, yet how I feel deep within me today has changed, yet the choice was all mine, the spiritual recovery program was never take over my life, the spiritual recovery program was going to help me help myself become healthier and wiser from my unhealthy past.

Often when I focused on other people I was cheating myself from looking at myself, often my reaction to other peoples unhealthy habits I did not like seeing myself in other people.

I do not need to justify my actions and words today, when I try to justify my actions and words it is often an indicator than I know my behavior is not healthy.

The decline in spiritual values in our life is not down to one person or system, the decline in spiritual values in our life is down to everyone, parents blame teachers, teachers blame parents, yet the very children we are suppose to love loses out.

Can we say any kind of bullying of any sort is healthy in our life today, bullying is an indicator of cowardice and weakness, do I in any way by my actions or words undermine any one today, are y words or actions nurturing and encouraging today, do I compliment another person today, when I say I love someone is a statement or question, when I say I love someone is it conditional.

My deep seated fears made me unlovable, how long to learn and admit to myself that I feared emotional intimacy.

I use to feel that everyone and everything was responsible for the way I use to feel, that is not so today.

Escaping responsibility was a very unhealthy fear based immature thing to do, by becoming healthy and more mature I am taking more responsibility for my actions and words today.

I am also taking more responsibility for how I feel within myself today.

Before entering the spiritual recovery I was a really unhealthy person, for me spiritual recovery has nothing to do about religion, am I grateful today.

Do I demonstrate gratitude towards people today, in my young years people use to bully people, do my words and actions encourage and nurture people to be healthy today, do my words and actions make other people feel insecure today or cause them fear or self doubt, do I help people over come being inept.

Do I demonstrate help towards people for people to help them self, do I enjoy what I do or say, do I do things out of obsession reluctantly or resentfully today, do I have very clear set wants needs and goals set today.

Can I adjust to sudden changes in my life today.

Do I fear anyone or anything today. I use to blame other people and life for stressing me out, sadly I now understand fully that I use to stress myself out. Stress anxiety nervousness procrastination were and are today fear based issues.

Life Is not a race today. I use to have two speeds in the old days, 100 MPH and stopped now I am not racing through my life.

Recently have been very full productive days, there is no time in my day to be bored or lazy, I do watch television when I need to rest my painful body.

Yesterday played snooker with my 89 year old uncle, we get on great he use to be friends with my father in his early years, we both feel very comfortable spending time with each other.

I am now coming up to over 19,500 people on the ancestry tree, it is a very gradual learning curve yet is very challenging finding out new information and facts about people from the past.

Funny thing in the past I use to think that kind of thing was very boring, I use to think that bowling was boring now I enjoy doing that also, for me winning is not what is important, what is important that whatever I do I try to do my very best.

Before recovery I was only going to be happy if things were perfect, I was only going to be happy if I did things in a perfect way, because of these unreasonably high expectations of myself I was never content with what I did.

Before recovery always having unreasonably high expectations of myself life and people I could never be content with in myself.

Today we are going to pick up our new second hand car today, last night Shirley asked me if I was excited at this happening for us, funny enough it was not a big thing for me, a car is a form of transport, I want it to be safe efficient and reliable and reasonable on cost.

As my values change I am less focused on material things, for me at Christmas it is not about gifts or money but more about being with people I love.

In my child hood people use to give money or gifts to say they loved someone or even to apologize to people, people were unable to express them self in a healthy way, sadly that was an indicator that people were unable to have emotional intimacy with other people.

I met with my father after over 20 years of not having any form of communication, firstly he did not even recognize me, once we met I knew that he loved me but was unable to express his feeling to any one and was afraid of all kinds of emotional intimacy.

My father was an alcoholic and use to also consumed with the gambling addiction, when I met my father first of all I was afraid of him, then after time I had compassion for him and felt sad for him, feeling sad was an indicator that the pains of the past I had towards him were healed.

I was so afraid of all kinds of emotional intimacy when I got married, I would best explain that I was not aware of life or people, I could not respect myself so therefore unable to respect other people.

For me in taking baby steps I matured healed and started to understand what spiritual values were all about, I am to this day still learning all about spiritual values and how they impact my life.

With each lie my fears grew and grew until I so afraid I could not have any kind of emotional intimacy with other people in my life.

My days are much fuller than before I entered the spiritual recovery program, I am more productive yet still find I am not able to prioritize as best I can do, I use to think and feel that the spiritual recovery program was going to tell me what to do and control me.

Step one life being unmanageable was all about me not being able to cope emotionally with life and people, my emotional triggers were my pains I could not heal, my emotional triggers were my fears I could not face, my emotional triggers were my frustrations, my emotional triggers were my feelings of loneliness, my emotional triggers were my feelings of boredom, because I was not very productive with my time.

I now understand that no one can stop me today from gambling except myself, I could not stop me from gambling in the past except with the help of people and their experiences and the spiritual recovery program.

Yet how could I change if I was not willing to admit to myself that my actions and my words were unhealthy and not only did I hurt myself I also hurt the people that loved me the most.

Yet I use to think that once I stopped gambling I would be happy, that did not happen that way, I use to think that once I pay off all of my debts I would be happy, that did not happen that way, I use to think that if I kept going to meetings they would make me happy, that did not happen that way.

Spiritual recovery opened my eyes and helped me over come my fears and over time I would be able to listen to good healthy advice from other people.

I use to react in an unhealthy way at the mention of wording of spiritual or religion in the text, I now understand that if a person truly wants to be healthy that it will happen with or without religious beliefs.

Sadly abstaining on its own is not enough, once you find you have more time to do things and have more free time I started to use it wisely, things I use to think were boring I now find are fun.

Do I need to take risks of any from today, do I need to be on an adrenaline rush and do risky things, not today. Because I am able to respect love care and myself more today I am able to respect love care for other people.

It took me a long time to learn to be encouraging towards myself, I use to beat myself up a lot in the earlier years and still use to find myself calling myself stupid or calling myself unhealthy names.

The last time I came out in a rage was when I dropped that motor from furnace, who was I most angry at, myself, simply because deep down I knew I was not being careful or attentive enough.

There was a very wise psychologist who said that where no such things as accidents, incidents happen because people are not paying enough attention in what they are doing, today I understand for me there are no such things as accidents I am not paying enough attention to what I was doing.

This week there were some low lights over a dining table I hit my head once, I thought to myself I was not being careful, low and behold I hit my head even harder the second time, I said out loud I am not able to wait for the third time I hit my head. Needless to say I did not hit my head a third time.

The spiritual recovery programme for me was a very slow learning curve, it took time to learn from my mistakes, it took time to learn from each of my unhealthy break outs how to understand when I was emotionally vulnerable.

To learn from each of my unhealthy reactions to feelings of anger resentments vengeance rage fears bitterness impatience and intolerance that I was not healing my pains.

When I was reacting in anger it was an very good indicator that I was not healing my pains, I now understand that anger is an unhealthy reaction to my pains I am not able to heal, that anger was also an unhealthy reaction to my fears I am not able to face, that anger is an unhealthy reaction to my unreasonable expectations of people and life and quite simply I needed to reduce my expectations of people and life, due to my unreasonable expectations of people and life I was causing myself pain they were not hurting me at all. I was hurting myself.

My unreasonable expectations of people and life came from a very early age, long before I was seven years of age.

Abandonment both physical and emotional had an adverse effect on my growth, sadly when parents bottle things up and live in fear they sadly abandon their children emotionally, often children will turn towards other people for emotional intimacy or will escape in other ways. Often with very unhealthy consequences.

The question I asked of myself why was I not able to let people know how much pain I was living in when I was trying to take in my own life, was it the fact I could not articulate myself to other people, was it the fact I knew adults in my life were unable to cope with how they felt emotionally within themselves.

To this day I do not understand how I surveyed the things that happened in my life, I now know that people did the best they could do, I do understand that people did un to me those things that were one to them.

Beatings were a regular event in my child hood, I learned to live in fear of being honest for being hurt or humiliated was my reward for being honest, I lived in fear of going to school I lived in fear of going home there was no place I felt safe and secure.

Do I live in fear today, do my family live in fear of me today, do people in the rooms of recovery live in fear of me today, in my therapy can I be myself today.

I have been asked to look at another house today, to be critical in every way of those things I find, a person is asking me to give my opinion and views and to be completely honest.

Do I have pride in myself today, yes very much so, yet I am not over confident, do I have self esteem and value in m life today, am I ashamed of who I am today, do I feel quilty when people give me a hug of shake my hand today, do I feel that what I do ro say will not change my life today.

Am I able to express myself to other people in a non threatening way today, am I able to honest without hurting other people today, am I willing to wait for people to ask for help, do I only give my advice when asked for it, do I make people feel they can b their sel in the rooms of recovery.

For me I use to fear being honest, I use to fear being accountable, I use to fear being emotional intimacy, I use to fear admitting that I was ignorant, I use to fear living and feared dying, I use to fear being abandoned and rejected, I use to fear writing things down, I use to fear appearing to be wrong or appearing to be stupid.

Pride is the reward we give our self when we do healthy things with our time and use healthy words towards our self and with other people.

Love and peace to everyone

Dave of Beckenham.

AKA Dave L

Re: Am I the healthiest person I can be today without addict - smartie - 28-02-2015

gadaveuk Wrote:Can a person find a healthy productive recovery without having any religious belief what so ever, for me it was possible, sitting on my hands and only abstaining is not what spiritual recovery program is about.

Dave of Beckenham.

AKA Dave L

I absolutely believe so too...but i respect those who want to try it their own way...
What GA does well is give people the options....
Many choose not to accept the help...and that's fine...

Today has been a good day..
thanks for being a part of that...

Smartie xx