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Why did I think and feel that gambling controlled my life and my thinking

I arrived in the spiritual recovery program not knowing that my unhealthy emotional reactions to life people and situations caused me to live in fear of people life and situations I could not cope emotionally with.

I am a non religious person and today understand that my conscience is based up on spiritual values even though I am non religious when I go against my own conscience I not only hurt other people I hurt myself.

In my recovery I would understand that because I was emotionally vulnerable and use to bury and suppress my feelings and emotions each time I went back to my addictions and obsessions I was reacting in fears most of the time.

My fears of being honest, my fears of being accountable, my fears of being rejection and abandoned, seemed very real to me.

By being in the spiritual recovery program I would learn that I was not a bad person or an evil person simply because I was an emotionally vulnerable person when I felt that I could not cope I would escape in my fears and lack of confidence to my addictions and obsessions.

Each time  aid to myself oh who cares any way at that instant I was willing to give up all faith and hope in myself,  I was willing to do or say some thing unhealthy.

The anger in me and the rage in me were indicators that my hurt inner child was not healed, in time I would understand and feel the pains I had suppressed and buried for along time.

I knew that my swearing and aggression and confrontation was very unhealthy, that when I reacted in unhealthy ways I hurt other people and I hurt myself. I caused people to fear and mistrust me.

In recovery I would understand that by saying sorry was not enough, by saying I promise was not enough, if I kept hurting people, if I kept betraying people they feel threatened by me.

At what point would I live for today only, at what point would I set a healthy boundary, just for today only I will not do or say any thing that adversely affects me and other people.

My control issues were all fear based, my lack of accountability to myself were all fear based, my inability to mature and grow up and heal my inner child were all fear based, in time I would learn to value myself.

The recovery program works like mountain climbers tied together with ropes who find safe and secure ways of learning and finding new skills in living a healthier life today.

The recovery program helped me understand that I could not do it on my own, to become healthy I needed to listen learn and relate from to and from other like minded goal seeking people, to see and feel myself in other people and their experiences both healthy and unhealthy.

The recovery program would help me to help myself only once I started to value myself, just for today I will not gamble, just for today I will not carry excessive amount of money on myself, just for today I will not mix with people who are not in the recovery program.

Today I will mix and interact with like minded spiritual growing people.

Today I will put more time and effort in to my recovery, more time and effort than I put in my addictions and my obsessions.

Today I would learn how to celebrate my accomplishments in healthy ways,  I would learn how to articulate my feelings and my emotions in a non threatening way.

Because of the anger conflict control and intimidation in my child hood I internalized how other people felt, almost like I was responsible for how they were feeling, just because I gave up gambling did not stop me internalizing other people emotional baggage.

I did karate for two only to understand that I enjoyed the physical fighting, what I had big issues with were aggression and confrontation, yet often I was the instigator of aggression and confrontation, did I learn bully habits from my parents.

The recovery program was going to help me help myself become more healthier and more productive.

The recovery program was not going to stop me gambling that had to be my own daily choice.

The recovery program was going to help me exchange unhealthy habits in to healthy habits.

By going to meetings I would learn from other people.

By going to meetings I would relate to other peoples therapies.

Love and peace to every one

Dave of Beckenham

AKA Dave L

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