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It took me along time to take recovery and healing seriously

I questioned if I could find a healthy life with out feeling that my addictions controlled my life.

I built walls of fear to protect my hurt inner child because of the pains I was caused in my life.

I use to think that if I had money I would be happy, that if I got all my money back I had lost.

In my time I have attended 11 counsellors, the number of meetings helped me learn to help myself, to make a telephone when I felt vulnerable.

Once I gave up talking about money and times I was in action.

I was a risk taker from a very early age, it got worse the more I valued myself, no one was going to make me do some thing if I did not want to do it.

At one time I truly thought that I wanted to do nothing with my time, I went and lied on the cost in England and low and behold after a year of doing nothing I knew that I did not want to do noting with my life.

Because I had certain emotional triggers then I would want to escape, sadly I could not identify my fears, so I could not face them or write them down.

By me facing my fears I would find that I could achieve so much more with my life and out of my fears I found that there was so much more I could achieve with my life.

My procrastination was often fear based and also a lack of confidence and self esteem.

The roos of recovery helped me get to know myself better, as my therapies got deeper my fears reduced, and as I got to taught to people on a one to one basis I could understand myself more.

I have viewed the recovery program simular to mountain climbers tied together by a rope and as long as I was connected to like minded people they helped me not understand when I was vulnerable but how to not take unhealthy people problems and make them my own.

Even in recent days I had talked about my fears about doing a job I was not comfortable about doing, the other factor was winter is not far away and being in Canada it can get not only very cold but snow can get deep in a very short period of time.

At one time they forecast it getting very cold and it was colder than -40C well I did a very risky thing I locked us out of our car, I left the engine running but could not get in to it.

In the beginning of my recovery I did not know that most of the time I was living in a stressed out way, I use to react in unhealthy ways to every one and every thing, I could not stop myself from being that way, then the question I asked myself is it healthy to live in so much fear most of the time.

I use to be so scared of the dentist, now I am often able to go to sleep when getting in to the dentist chair, I use to fear the tax month, now we do not get wound up   when tax period comes round.

Another fear I had was talking to large meetings and doing talks, I have been doing talks at a recovery center for some years which stopped just recently, I very much enjoyed doing it and got so much back from the meetings with the stimulation there was.

It is very rare for me to waste time now, my time is well spent getting things done, yet sadly now I am seventy four years of age and so push my body to far I still tend to think I am still 20 years of age.

I have been able to get to meetings and conferences and get pleasure meeting with young people at the beginning of their recovery.

At the beginning I did not think that I was an unhealthy person I just thought that I was unlucky.

I use to justify my failings, I use to justify my failing to get things done, I use to justify not telling the truth, to not be honest with myself.

Things that use to get me so wound up and angry now I just laugh these tests of my recovery off, I felt like I use to explode because of my anger.

I have been able to give up so many unhealthy habits, I gave up smoking and that was expensive habit, it cost me more than £xx a year, then there was the drinking, then there was the gambling, sadly I did not have much faith or hope in myself, I will never now how many times I caused people to cry due to my causing them so many pains and me being such a failure in many ways.

I am pleased to say that my family does not fear me any more. 

It is wonderful not living on the edge of that painful cliff, I do not want to go in to unhealthy spiritual decline again in my life.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham

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