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No matter when you gambled being in meetings is the best and healthiest place to be
No matter when you gambled being in meetings is the best and healthiest place to be
Over time I would learn and understand when I was emotionally vulnerable and how to cope with triggers in my life.
Some people think it is strange that room compliments people even when they are only one day off gambling.
Every clean day is enabling us to get healthier in our lives.
I like many felt threatened by the meeting on my first few times, I reacted in unhealthy ways to the mention of God or religion, the recovery program is about our inner healing, I am a non religious person and did not think I would find a much healthier life.
Funny thing the recovery rooms often raise more questions than answers, hence people gather after meetings to talk longer about their life time experiences.
I use to think that I was a very weak useless person, that I had no value in myself, when therapies start you will be a witness to seeing and hearing your self in other people, both the healthy and unhealthy.
Working with a sponsor is very worth while, it helps if you are committed to sharing and being in a two way stream of sharing and communication, and in time some  intimacy at a deeper emotional level.
Once in my recovery I understood that no one could stop me gambling, that no one could make me do some thing I did not want to do.
The gambling did not control me, gambling was a form of escape where I could avoid facing my feelings and my emotions.
Once I understood all of my emotional triggers I would understand that my levels of fear were very high most of the time, and that living in my fears caused me to say or do some very unhealthy things.
Thinking I was a weak person was not the same as being vulnerable.
I could not cope emotionally even before my teen age years, as a teenager I tried to take my own life at my grand mothers, I woke up the next morning feeling even more of a failure.
In my life I have suffered emotional abuse, physical abuse sexual abuse, I have suffered neglect and abandonment, I have been cut with a knife, I have been cut with a broken bottle, I have been hit and run two times, I am just so lucky, both times drivers left me injured and drove off.
So I reached a time where I could not speak up for myself, I could not stand up for myself, I could not articulate my feelings and emotions even to myself.
Every time I took up any unhealthy habit was a form of escape, one thing was getting involved with television programs, or even soaps living their life though other people real or not.
In saying I have to implied that I did things reluctantly or resentfully, by saying or doing things in that way I was cheating myself.
I use to be nice to people to get what I wanted, being nice for me was person pleasing or trying to manipulate people to fulfill my needs.
Me being nice was also person pleasing, why could I not do or say things for healthy reasons, to give of myself unconditionally.
Only by reading my fears down and dealing with them would they reduce from 10 out of 10 fear to low number fears, fear of rejection, fear of being humiliated, fear of failure, I learned soon enough to not try new things I was failing myself, fear of being betrayed, fear of being hurt, fear of Christmas, fear of dentist, fear of fear of tax time, fear of bills arriving at our home, fear of not being able to do my job, fear of my neighbors, fear of running out or petrol.
My fears indicated the anxiety I was putting myself through, the build up of my fears.
For most of our married life we use to get so stressed out that on Christmas day we could be relaxed and enjoy it.
Then of course after Christmas all the bills once more.
We both decided to get Christmas cards sent early, to have a file with envelopes all listed out so we only had to place envelope after envelope in printer and they were done in matter of minutes instead of days and losing things.
One Christmas we sat down so relaxed we could not believe it was Christmas, we said it did not feel like Christmas us being so relaxed.
There were so many things that were unhealthy it took me along time to change those unhealthy habits in to healthy habits, it is not to impress people it is because I learned to value myself and my family.
The consequences of healthy actions and healthy words is healthier relationships with myself first of all, then with other people.
If all I did was to abstain and do nothing else with my life I would be cheating myself and my family.
I have friends today that I have known for over 59 years, I have stayed in contact with people I betrayed and let down, have they forgiven me, that is their choice not mine, do they trust me today, that is their choice not mine.
I do understand that I can heal my pains I am not able to heal other people pains.
Being a willing student in recovery the pace and quality of my recovery was and is today, is all up to me.
If I am not able to or willing to be honest with myself, I am cheating myself.
There comes point in recovery where text and words changes in to our nurturing motivation to be much healthier place in our self.
Time and relationships are the most important things in my life today.
I use to waste so much of both before my recovery.
Having healthy sponsors is two way street, and can be very nurturing and in time our sharing helps us both make healthier choices in every avenue of our life.
It is not healthy to think or give compliments to a healthy sponsor, once we talk things out and once I seriously commit to healthy actions and words the responsibility belongs to me and not any sponsor.
A healthy sponsor helps us commit to our self and to make healthier choices and decisions in our lives.
It is almost like saying when things go well it is the sponsor responsibility, when things go pear shaped it is my responsibility, that makes no sense what so ever.
Expressing gratitude and appreciation is a very important part of my recovery, showing gratitude and appreciation helps intimacy with all people in our life, and often people will think we are different to the normal and we are unusual.
One day we were a=eating out in a fast food place, we placed our orders and our food arrived, well there was paper in between the pieces of meat on my plate.
In the old days instant rage, then I would try and embarrass people, then I would have tried to get some thing for nothing.
On this occasion I spoke to waitress in a very quiet voice and asked her if I had to pay extra for the paper, there was laughter and we were offered free sweets. We declined sweets because we did not want a sweet.
Many times I will compliment the chef for good meal well done, again it is not a healthy expression of my gratitude.
I am now 74 years of age, we have been married over 50 years, we would not be married if I did not get my ass in to gear and become a healthier person.
The lady I married has been a very loyal yet vulnerable lady because of who I use to be, my gambling did not hurt I did, the gambling establishments never lied to my wife I did.
I am able to love myself today and am able to love my wife and my family today more than I could ever have done in the past.
In starting to heal my hurt inner child I started to understand how my pains fears and frustrated adversely affected me.
In time I started get wise as to make healthier choices in my life, I was not a bad person, I was not a evil person, I was not a stupid or dumb person, in taking my recovery seriously and putting more and more effort in to my days I am pleased to say I am a person I can start to like.
The out come of any person recovery is dependant on how much time and effort you invest in to your self.
I knew that just abstaining was not enough for me, only by my abstaining could the healing of my hurt inner child start to begin. Recovery is not a race. Recovery is seriously possible to anyone who truly wants it.
Love and peace to everyone.
Dave L
AKA Dave Of Beckenham UK

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No matter when you gambled being in meetings is the best and healthiest place to be - by gadaveuk - 08-12-2021, 08:19 AM

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