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No matter when you gambled being in meetings is the best and healthiest place to be
#4
(08-12-2021, 08:19 AM)gadaveuk Wrote: AKA Dave Of Beckenham UK

Hi

On walking in to the recovery I did not have much faith in myself, (Non Religious) I did not know or understand what recovery would mean to me, I thought that program was going to stop me gambling, not so.

The recovery program I now understand to be a healing process which could only occur once I abstained from unhealthy habits.

It was not possible to heal my hurt inner child if I was still causing that inner child further pains.

So basically people would think that abstaining was how you get healthier, once my abstaining started was just the beginning of the healing part f my recovery.

I walked in to the recovery program back in 1969, sadly I have only been clean for 29 years why did it take so long for me to grasp what a healthy recovery would like or feel like.

Today I understand and grasp that every pain in my life caused fears in me, fear of being honest, fear of intimacy, fear the opposite sex, fear of failure, fear of trusting people and of course myself, fear of commitment, fear of rejection, fear of embarrassment, fear of being told off, fear of being found out, etc.

The recovery program helped me understand that telling lies was unhealthy, it helped me understand that living in fear was unhealthy, it helped me understand what was healthy and what was unhealthy. 

To exchange every unhealthy habit in to a healthy habit.

So how can I think that gambling was the best thing in my life, that the buzz was happiness, the true was gambling was a way of me escaping people life and situations, that when I could not cope emotionally I would escape in one way or another.

Being in the rooms the honesty started, to give up talking about lost money or about being active, to talk more about my feelings and emotions.

Today there is no doubt in my lind that before recovery I was a very unhealthy person, with out recovery I could not help my self or help any one else.

If I could not be honest to myself how could I be honest with other people.

I was heading to self destruction and could not admit to myself, winning money was the worst thing to happen to me it just gave me more fuel for my self destruction taking even longer.

A boundary was set by my wife, she asked to be honest honest each, not about how much money was lost or won but if I had gambled, I agreed with her asking me each day, then suddenly she stopped asking me, that caused me to be curious.

After some time I asked her she stopped asking me if I gambled, she smiled and said now I know you are not gambling, that caused me more questions than answers.

Just because I stopped gambling did not mean I was healthy, just because I stopped gambling did not mean my fears stopped, only when I asked myself what is the worst that would happen and I accepted the worst thing, only then did my fears drop from 10 out of ten to single figures.

Over time I could heal my pains, I could also reduce my fears, yet you can do one with out the other separately.

Understanding my emotional triggers was important to understand, my emotional triggers were my pains that were not healed, another trigger was fears I would not face, another trigger was frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations, another trigger was fears of emotional intimacy, and my last another trigger was boredom.

So each I went back to unhealthy habits I was would question why how and how I could deal with things in the future in a much healthier.

My anger use to come out in a very unhealthy way some times rage which would adversely affect people round me, I think the best way to explain my instability was I was like sweaty nitro glycerine one thing could make me explode.

And after you have lashed out and hurt the very people that love you there is guilt shame regret and you feel like a piece of crap.

Things that use to make me explode in anger now make me laugh, some times my wife can not be figure me out completely.

Having a big win was not going to give me happiness contentment or love, it was not going to heal my pains, it was not going to help me become healthy whole and self sufficient in a spiritual way.

I had completely blanked the fact that as a teenager I tried to take my own life at my grand mothers, I took some things that were suppose to kill me and woke up the next morning feeling even more of a failure.

The very sad fact was that I completely banked it out, not just the fact of what I took but also the fact I could not understand myself how much pain I was going through. 

I could not put in to words my feelings and emotions, I could not say to any one that I was very emotionally vulnerable and emotionally traumatized.

On walking in to the meetings I did not think it was strange or weird that my legs use to twitch when I crossed them over, I have seen 11 counsellors, I have attended meetings for over 45 years.

When I see a new person come to meetings I am so pleased to see them there, it is not important they talk, it is not important when they last gambled, it is important they stick with recovery it is a life saver. 

I found some thing which was important to me and my recovery that as my fears reduce I am more open to healthy interconnections with more and more people, it is important for my healthy growth.

Another important issue was to express my gratitude to all people, it helps me in so many ways but also improves my internal values.

Only when I appreciate myself can I appreciate all other people.

Only when I respect myself can I respect all other people.

Only when I love myself can I love all other people.

Recovery helps us heal the hurt inner child, so that they can come out to paly once more and enjoy life to the full with out fear restricting us.

Love and peace toe very one.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham UK
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RE: No matter when you gambled being in meetings is the best and healthiest place to be - by gadaveuk - 16-12-2021, 09:00 AM

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