08-03-2010, 12:00 AM
Hi,
I am 30, female and a compulsive gambler. It started with online poker around 2 years ago. I won for while but became more and more greedy and ending up losing all my savings, all my wages and nearly my relationship. My partner was very supportive and bailed me out. I paid him back stopped gambling and carried on with life. Last year he had to move away for a while and I became consumed with getting all my savings back. I lost....big time. I chased and chased these losses and with no savings to rely on, I am now in serious debt and struggling to make the repayments. My family found out last week and I had to come clean to everything and take money from them to pay my rent. I have finally realised that I have a BIG BIG problem. I am so ashamed of myself and realise I have to move on with my life and get away from gambling. For the past year I have been living in a dream world, thinking that the one big win will sort everything out, I know it is never going to come. It seems I have an amazing and worrying talent for blocking out reality and forgetting that I am deeply hurting everyone around me. My partner doesn't know yet and I am going to tell him this week. This is the part that scares and annoys me most. I love him more than anything and yet I have consistantly lied to him for a year. This will devast him. What a selfish and digusting thing to do. I know he will never trust me again and this will be the end of our relationship. A big part of me knows that I will get what I deserve and yet and I desperatly don't want it to end. I know we have been living a lie for a year because I'm the liar, he on the other hand doesn't deserve this.
I have arranged for counselling as the nearest GA meeting is 1.5 hours from me and I just can't afford the petrol right now. (I know this sounds like an excuse....it isn't)
I used to be a good person, I hope that in time I can become that person again because I don't know who I am anymore. Just being on here and realising that I'm not the only one has helped me greatly.
I am 30, female and a compulsive gambler. It started with online poker around 2 years ago. I won for while but became more and more greedy and ending up losing all my savings, all my wages and nearly my relationship. My partner was very supportive and bailed me out. I paid him back stopped gambling and carried on with life. Last year he had to move away for a while and I became consumed with getting all my savings back. I lost....big time. I chased and chased these losses and with no savings to rely on, I am now in serious debt and struggling to make the repayments. My family found out last week and I had to come clean to everything and take money from them to pay my rent. I have finally realised that I have a BIG BIG problem. I am so ashamed of myself and realise I have to move on with my life and get away from gambling. For the past year I have been living in a dream world, thinking that the one big win will sort everything out, I know it is never going to come. It seems I have an amazing and worrying talent for blocking out reality and forgetting that I am deeply hurting everyone around me. My partner doesn't know yet and I am going to tell him this week. This is the part that scares and annoys me most. I love him more than anything and yet I have consistantly lied to him for a year. This will devast him. What a selfish and digusting thing to do. I know he will never trust me again and this will be the end of our relationship. A big part of me knows that I will get what I deserve and yet and I desperatly don't want it to end. I know we have been living a lie for a year because I'm the liar, he on the other hand doesn't deserve this.
I have arranged for counselling as the nearest GA meeting is 1.5 hours from me and I just can't afford the petrol right now. (I know this sounds like an excuse....it isn't)
I used to be a good person, I hope that in time I can become that person again because I don't know who I am anymore. Just being on here and realising that I'm not the only one has helped me greatly.