09-05-2010, 03:24 PM
Hi all
This is my first visit to this site so I suppose I should share my story before really getting involved.
My name is John and I'm 25. It's kind of hard to say when I first started gambling because the further back in my life I look there has always been gambling in one form or another. Even right back in primary school playing pitch n toss for football stickers or fifty pence here and there, I know that probably sounds insignificant but when I think about it now, I got the same buzz playing for football stickers and a few pence as I get now playing for money online... And probably the same sick feeling when I lost.
By the time I was eighteen I was already gambling on quite a regular basis. Me and a couple of friends would go every saturday for a few pints and a visit to the bookies. We would bet on the football and the horses for resonably small amounts and it would always be just a FUN thing to do at the weekend. I've highlighted the word FUN because back then it was, If i lost a few quid on the football it wouldn't matter, it wasn't about the money. If i won, it was a bonus, it paid for a night out, and that's it. Soon enough though I discovered online casinos. I can't remember why I deposited money that first time, maybe it was an email offering me a 50% bonus, it's hard to say. But, regardless of the reason I joined one. At first it was still just a bit of fun, I had been raised always to believe that gamblers never won and I think I always heard that mantra in the back of my mind, so when I lost, I kind of expected it and could live with it. However my problems really started when I won, that wasn't supposed to happen GAMBLERS NEVER WIN!!!! do they? I still remember how much I won too. I had deposited a small amount and two days later I had several hundred from playing roulette and bingo. It was too easy. Maybe I was different to the people who lost, maybe I was really skillful at a game of chance! So I carried on gambling and before I knew it, every spare minute I had, I was gambling. To make matters worse I forgot one of the better known laws of physics "what goes up, must come down". I believed it was impossible to lose that much, I don't know why but I did. But, sure enough, I lost everything I'd won and for the first time felt something new, the feeling that I MUST, at all costs, win it back. Even though I had still only lost the original small amount i deposited, It felt like I'd lost the large amount I had won rather than just giving it back. Even though my mind set was beginning to change I still knew how incredibly lucky I had been winning that money so I knew I couldn't just deposit another small amount and expect to increase it twenty fold. But I had to try. Logic was quickly becoming redundant. It was around this point that I had gotten a credit card too, again I don't know why I got the credit card, it wasn't for gambling at that point (I think it was because I had believed it was a grown up thing to have, but that's another story) However, having all that monay at my desposal meant I could gamble and gambling was by now becoming an issue for me. So, sure enough, before long the credit card was gone, maxed out. I had gotten onto the rollercoaster and I couldn't get off.
At first I was depositing small amounts, but when that wasn't working I started depositing hundreds at a time and raising my bets. Losses began to feel personal, like the casinos knew it was MY money and that they had picked me out of a hat and decided they were taking every penny from me. I began to think completely irrationally, since the date was 20th of August, I'd put money on number twenty or I'd expect to win more in the early hours of the morning, because for some bizarre reason I'd think casinos would pay out more in the morning. Rediculous... crazy... insane... But I believed it. I was changing in every way. I was distancing myself from friends and family. I'd make excuses not to go out with people, because I knew the money that I'd spent going on a night out with them could be saved and spent on gambling instead. I couldn't let them see me looking depressed at my losses either, I'd be paranoid that they would suspect something was wrong with me. That was becoming the worst thing of all, hiding my problem from people. I began to feel bitter that people were happy and I was becoming so depressed. I just wanted to be like them, happy for no apparant reason, because it was sunny for example. The only thing that made me happy though were those two little words "Player wins".
As my losses mounted I started to think of more extreme ways of making my money back. I considered taking out a big loan and putting it on red. I told myself that if I won, I'd be back on track, and if I lost, well, I'd cross that bridge when I came to it. Thankfully, I didn't do that, I wasn't completely out of control, and I took some comfort in that fact. How could I be addicted to gambling if I still had the ability to say no to a possible win? The truth is that the fear of becoming completely trapped by debts was greater than the compulsion to gamble. It was the fear that saved me. That's not to say that I wasn't already in financial trouble, I was and still am. But I knew that if I cut loose from the little bit of rationality I had left, It could be catastrophic. My life could effectivly change beyond the point of repair.
After a couple of years of plowing almost every penny I earnt into casinos my mind set began to change again. I no longer wanted to win as such, I just wanted to be even. I felt that If I could get anywhere near being even, whatever even was at that point, I'd stop. I'd become a human being again, happy because it was sunny. However, being even was so far from me it was hugely unlikely and I think the truth is, it was just another justification to myself to keep going. It was a drug and I was addicted.
So to the present day... Two weeks ago I sold my car I had planned to to spend the money on my debts and cut them down. I've already gambled a third of that money away. Last thursday I lost several hundred in an hour and only stopped because I lost internet connection. Irronically enough though, my irrational gambling mind may, I hope, have finally come to my rescue. Was it just coincidence that I lost the internet connection or was it a sign from somewhere telling me enough is enough? I don't know, but I like the idea of the latter and from that day I haven't made one single bet. three days and counting... I haven't even put a bet of the football today! Luckily for me I'm not too far in trouble for there to be no hope financially. I can still turn my life around IF I WANT TO, and reading other people's stories on this forum has helped me to see that I'm not crazy, I'm just another person who lost the ability to say no. Luckily I have a loving family and a girlfriend who makes me smile even when I think about how stupid I've been and how long it will take to repair the damage I've done to myself. Even as I'm writing this I have tears in my eyes brought on by the thought of what might have been if I had had the ability to say no and not become the person I am today. A gambler who never wins.
Thank you.
PS. I've just noticed after reading what I've written how many times I said the word "luckily"
This is my first visit to this site so I suppose I should share my story before really getting involved.
My name is John and I'm 25. It's kind of hard to say when I first started gambling because the further back in my life I look there has always been gambling in one form or another. Even right back in primary school playing pitch n toss for football stickers or fifty pence here and there, I know that probably sounds insignificant but when I think about it now, I got the same buzz playing for football stickers and a few pence as I get now playing for money online... And probably the same sick feeling when I lost.
By the time I was eighteen I was already gambling on quite a regular basis. Me and a couple of friends would go every saturday for a few pints and a visit to the bookies. We would bet on the football and the horses for resonably small amounts and it would always be just a FUN thing to do at the weekend. I've highlighted the word FUN because back then it was, If i lost a few quid on the football it wouldn't matter, it wasn't about the money. If i won, it was a bonus, it paid for a night out, and that's it. Soon enough though I discovered online casinos. I can't remember why I deposited money that first time, maybe it was an email offering me a 50% bonus, it's hard to say. But, regardless of the reason I joined one. At first it was still just a bit of fun, I had been raised always to believe that gamblers never won and I think I always heard that mantra in the back of my mind, so when I lost, I kind of expected it and could live with it. However my problems really started when I won, that wasn't supposed to happen GAMBLERS NEVER WIN!!!! do they? I still remember how much I won too. I had deposited a small amount and two days later I had several hundred from playing roulette and bingo. It was too easy. Maybe I was different to the people who lost, maybe I was really skillful at a game of chance! So I carried on gambling and before I knew it, every spare minute I had, I was gambling. To make matters worse I forgot one of the better known laws of physics "what goes up, must come down". I believed it was impossible to lose that much, I don't know why but I did. But, sure enough, I lost everything I'd won and for the first time felt something new, the feeling that I MUST, at all costs, win it back. Even though I had still only lost the original small amount i deposited, It felt like I'd lost the large amount I had won rather than just giving it back. Even though my mind set was beginning to change I still knew how incredibly lucky I had been winning that money so I knew I couldn't just deposit another small amount and expect to increase it twenty fold. But I had to try. Logic was quickly becoming redundant. It was around this point that I had gotten a credit card too, again I don't know why I got the credit card, it wasn't for gambling at that point (I think it was because I had believed it was a grown up thing to have, but that's another story) However, having all that monay at my desposal meant I could gamble and gambling was by now becoming an issue for me. So, sure enough, before long the credit card was gone, maxed out. I had gotten onto the rollercoaster and I couldn't get off.
At first I was depositing small amounts, but when that wasn't working I started depositing hundreds at a time and raising my bets. Losses began to feel personal, like the casinos knew it was MY money and that they had picked me out of a hat and decided they were taking every penny from me. I began to think completely irrationally, since the date was 20th of August, I'd put money on number twenty or I'd expect to win more in the early hours of the morning, because for some bizarre reason I'd think casinos would pay out more in the morning. Rediculous... crazy... insane... But I believed it. I was changing in every way. I was distancing myself from friends and family. I'd make excuses not to go out with people, because I knew the money that I'd spent going on a night out with them could be saved and spent on gambling instead. I couldn't let them see me looking depressed at my losses either, I'd be paranoid that they would suspect something was wrong with me. That was becoming the worst thing of all, hiding my problem from people. I began to feel bitter that people were happy and I was becoming so depressed. I just wanted to be like them, happy for no apparant reason, because it was sunny for example. The only thing that made me happy though were those two little words "Player wins".
As my losses mounted I started to think of more extreme ways of making my money back. I considered taking out a big loan and putting it on red. I told myself that if I won, I'd be back on track, and if I lost, well, I'd cross that bridge when I came to it. Thankfully, I didn't do that, I wasn't completely out of control, and I took some comfort in that fact. How could I be addicted to gambling if I still had the ability to say no to a possible win? The truth is that the fear of becoming completely trapped by debts was greater than the compulsion to gamble. It was the fear that saved me. That's not to say that I wasn't already in financial trouble, I was and still am. But I knew that if I cut loose from the little bit of rationality I had left, It could be catastrophic. My life could effectivly change beyond the point of repair.
After a couple of years of plowing almost every penny I earnt into casinos my mind set began to change again. I no longer wanted to win as such, I just wanted to be even. I felt that If I could get anywhere near being even, whatever even was at that point, I'd stop. I'd become a human being again, happy because it was sunny. However, being even was so far from me it was hugely unlikely and I think the truth is, it was just another justification to myself to keep going. It was a drug and I was addicted.
So to the present day... Two weeks ago I sold my car I had planned to to spend the money on my debts and cut them down. I've already gambled a third of that money away. Last thursday I lost several hundred in an hour and only stopped because I lost internet connection. Irronically enough though, my irrational gambling mind may, I hope, have finally come to my rescue. Was it just coincidence that I lost the internet connection or was it a sign from somewhere telling me enough is enough? I don't know, but I like the idea of the latter and from that day I haven't made one single bet. three days and counting... I haven't even put a bet of the football today! Luckily for me I'm not too far in trouble for there to be no hope financially. I can still turn my life around IF I WANT TO, and reading other people's stories on this forum has helped me to see that I'm not crazy, I'm just another person who lost the ability to say no. Luckily I have a loving family and a girlfriend who makes me smile even when I think about how stupid I've been and how long it will take to repair the damage I've done to myself. Even as I'm writing this I have tears in my eyes brought on by the thought of what might have been if I had had the ability to say no and not become the person I am today. A gambler who never wins.
Thank you.
PS. I've just noticed after reading what I've written how many times I said the word "luckily"