20-05-2010, 08:31 AM
I am a compulsive gambler. I know it. I also know that it is stupid. But I can't stop. I tell myself how stupid it is while I am driving, as I take money out of thr bank or ATM, as I am parking and walking into the place. But I can't stop. It contributed to the break up of my marriage. ( His getting another woman pregnant while married to me didn't help.)
I had therapy for about six months. I can't afford it now because I lost my job and I am in so deep that I may have to sell my house. I lost my job because Preggers lied to my boss ( her friend) and had me fired. Nothing to do with gambling.
My parents and sister moved in with me after they lost their home in a tornado - 6 years ago. They won't move. People think that is why my husband left but I begged hin to help me get them out of the house and he kept saying that he liked them here. Good cover for him. WOuldn't fel so guilty when he left me and the kids,
He wasn't ever very nice to me (hindsite 20/20 and all that.) After we split up, friends said "Why did you marry him anyway? "Why didn't you marry the nice boyfriend" and " you seem much more relaxed now. He treated you like a slave."
I say all of this because I learned in therapy that like a lot of women I use gambling to escape. Loud casinos with ringing noises and little moments of "hope" made me forget about my terrible marriage, that my father was ill. I now escape my mother and sister and the fact that I cannot find a job. for almost two years. ( We are in a profession where evryone knows everyone so it is hard to get in with the powerful telling them not to hire me.) I am not whining. I am saying that I have a lot to escape from but I can't do this anymore. There has to be a better way or this life has to end because it is too much daily anquish to have for another 40 years. . . And I am starting to see my sadness in my kids.
Those little moments of hope mean nothing as I crash and call myself an imbecile on my way home. I haven't slept through the night for at least two days in a row for more in 6 years. I am really at the end.
I don't own a gun and I have small kids and don't keep much poisonous around the house so if I do off myself, it will hev to be planned, well planned.
I can't go to meetings because NONE OF THIS is really anonymous ( they made us register to use THIS site, didn't they?) and we are all well known. It is not an option.
Last cry for help. Can anyone help me?
I had therapy for about six months. I can't afford it now because I lost my job and I am in so deep that I may have to sell my house. I lost my job because Preggers lied to my boss ( her friend) and had me fired. Nothing to do with gambling.
My parents and sister moved in with me after they lost their home in a tornado - 6 years ago. They won't move. People think that is why my husband left but I begged hin to help me get them out of the house and he kept saying that he liked them here. Good cover for him. WOuldn't fel so guilty when he left me and the kids,
He wasn't ever very nice to me (hindsite 20/20 and all that.) After we split up, friends said "Why did you marry him anyway? "Why didn't you marry the nice boyfriend" and " you seem much more relaxed now. He treated you like a slave."
I say all of this because I learned in therapy that like a lot of women I use gambling to escape. Loud casinos with ringing noises and little moments of "hope" made me forget about my terrible marriage, that my father was ill. I now escape my mother and sister and the fact that I cannot find a job. for almost two years. ( We are in a profession where evryone knows everyone so it is hard to get in with the powerful telling them not to hire me.) I am not whining. I am saying that I have a lot to escape from but I can't do this anymore. There has to be a better way or this life has to end because it is too much daily anquish to have for another 40 years. . . And I am starting to see my sadness in my kids.
Those little moments of hope mean nothing as I crash and call myself an imbecile on my way home. I haven't slept through the night for at least two days in a row for more in 6 years. I am really at the end.
I don't own a gun and I have small kids and don't keep much poisonous around the house so if I do off myself, it will hev to be planned, well planned.
I can't go to meetings because NONE OF THIS is really anonymous ( they made us register to use THIS site, didn't they?) and we are all well known. It is not an option.
Last cry for help. Can anyone help me?