11-09-2010, 08:31 AM
I am now 111 days free from betting. I'm a compulsive gambler and always will be,but just for today, I will not gamble.I haven't been to a meeting for 6 weeks, which isn't good I know;just havent been able to afford to get there. That's how tight things are. I'm always broke, penniless and struggle every single day and, despite not having gambled for 111 days,things just never seem to improve. Nothing has really changed in my sad and sorry existence. I still just amble through each day,going nowhereand no real purpose or goals. I don't know where i've gone but my head isnt on this planet any more and hasnt been for some years now.I do try and think differently but nothing,just nothing at all, inspires me or gives me the zest of life I once had. Has it all gone forever? I always wonder if I will ever return to the person I may have once been: a bright,cheerful,happy person,with lots of ambition,drive,determination and goals in life,but I cant see that person inside of me ever coming back.Is this what all these years of gambling have done? I feel bitter and angry that I've wasted so many years. My youth has gone and the pain of seeing happiness in others hurts me so much I often just blank it out and look the other way in sadness and loneliness. But I know if I go back to gambling, things will be a million times worse and I fear that, if I do,I will end up topping myself at last. Andy.