Thread Rating:
  • 0 Vote(s) - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
My physical and emotional age did not match up
My name is Dave of Beckenham. I am a compulsive Gambler! Today my pains from my past are being nurtured and healed, my fears willingly faced and frustrations resolved by accepting the understanding of the serenity wisdom and I live a much healthier spiritual life today, I am healthier and stronger in myself than ever before in my life simply JUST one day at a time.

In time I would grasp an understanding of my motives in doing things, on arriving in recovery I would start to see that for most of the time I did most things reluctantly.

After some in recovery I would recognize that after 47 jobs that maybe I was the problem, once I understood why I moved so often and became accountable my reason for doing my job became a pleasure. Funny enough deep down I found I enjoyed the job I did.

For now we are faced why I did things for unhealthy reasons. There is person pleasing, seeking approval being guilt tripped and even on a lot of occasions doing things out of anger or frustrations.

Sadly doing things out of duty for me was not a healthy way to do things, yet the line is crossed to understand difference between duty and doing things to be accountable and responsible to myself.

To be accountable and do things for health reasons is for me and no one else for me that is a very spiritual thing.

Often people will have cold sweats when having dreams or nightmares of going back to their addictions, some people will not even mention it because they think they are going mad.

The question is why do we have cold sweats, I felt guilt shame frustrated and felt I lost control yet I had those feelings before when conscious, on waking up the emotions were very real, yet because I care more about myself and my conscience was greatly strengthened I found it very hard to believe that I had given up faith and hope in myself.

At this time I am being asked to write down my nightmares and my dreams. I just had a nightmare and was able to write things down. It had nothing to do about gambling yet it was about me going back to my past and facing people and places from over 53 years ago.

As I Faced each of the abuses I suffered for over 25% of my life I understood why people were so cruel to each other. They were not able to face themselves heal pains of face their fears.

Do I have a healthy balance in my life? 8 hours to fulfill my needs, 8 hours to fulfill my wants and 8 hours sleep time, sadly not grasped that yet.

It is something I would really like to get sorted out and am in to certain habits which will get me in to doing that, healthy habits are very healthy for me, I use to fear change and moving from unhealthy habits to healthy habits was like taking out teeth.

In my life there were less than ten people who were spiritual; sadly I use to think that spiritual people were weak people, now in practicing spiritual values I very confident it is strength.

There have been people in my life that explained the level of recovery I was at they found to advanced to understand. No matter how many times I explained things people did not understand.

Now that use to be me, why could I not understand and grasp the reasons behind recovery the spiritual values behind recovery?

At about 8 – 10 years of age I was taken from my father because he was very unhealthy and a threat to my mother and I.

My father threatened my mother that he would kill her before they would get divorced or separated so we run in fear of my father’s wrath.

Was he going to kill us? I now understand he said that because he wanted to control my mother and I, that is also demonstrated he feared being abandoned and left feeling uncared for feeling unloved and feeling unwanted, yet his actions were just an indicator that he could not heal his past, he could not face his fears and he felt frustrated that he could not face his deepest feelings.

I went to see him years later and on one occasion he broke down in tears, were they crocodile tears? No I am very sure those tears came from his hurt child, it came from the pains of the guilt and shame he carried with him for most of his life because of what he did to me and my mother but also what he had done to himself. My father had become his own worst enemy?

When my father had died was so sure that I was healed as far as he was concerned and that I would not cry, not so I cried for him and for myself and my hurt inner child.

I still go to his resting place and on occasion will cry and also be sure that he would be proud of who and what I am today. I do not doubt that in any way.

My nightmare last night was tied up with the place where my grandmothers place use to be, it was run down and a place hidden with lots of trees and the garden was the way my mother use to eat from all the things she use to grow.

Sadly during visiting her it was at this time I was willing to take my life, it was this time I took knowing that they would kill me, I went to bed quietly and did not tell anyone what my intentions were.

The very next morning I woke up and was very disappointed in myself, I was not a teenager at that time, all I knew was that I was in far too much pain and could not heal that pain.

I now wonder if this was also tied up to the fact that emotionally I felt uncared for unwanted unloved and unprotected, my basic emotional needs and wants were not being fulfilled. I felt that there was a hole in me where things were missing.

Just shortly after this a couple who lived on the Island where my grandmother lived were feeling vulnerable because they could not have child or so they thought.

They took me in they played with me, we went places and did things; I was accepted for who I was and what I was at that time.

We played cards game till late and I was able to laugh and over time I found out that my mother hated them because they were able to give me things she was not able to give me and it had nothing to do about material things either.

That couple gave of them self, they gave me time and they made me feel wanted loved cared for and protected, yet also they were spiritual people who demonstrated unconditional love and demonstrated unconditional giving of them self which I did not understand till much later in my recovery.

Earlier in our marriage my grandmother died of cancer, Shirley and I were offered for free her home all the land which was two plots on this island, and yet we refused it.

Not because it had fear attached to it because it was too far away from any transport and shops and I was not willing to leave Shirley all alone in that home knowing that some of the neighbors were very unhealthy people, that Shirley would feel very lonely and isolated living there when I was at work.

And my job often required me to go abroad and travel to other locations away from home to resolve political customer problems.

My counselor still finds it powerful that I have suffered emotional abuse, physical abuse, and sexual abuse and been cheated of having my emotional needs and wants fulfilled and am who I am and what I am today.

Do I understand today the deeper reasons behind each one of the spiritual values today, that each spiritual value embraced is important in to my character building such as healthy unconditional loving unconditional giving forgiving apologizing caring trusting trust worthy patience tolerance humility sincere honest faithful loyal optimistic self assured and well self balanced punctual courteous respectful considerate grateful content productive creative constructive nurturing sharing encouraging optimistic cooperative aware content stable humble open minded self confident calm proud love and serene.

How much effort and energy do I put in to my recovery today?

Love and peace to everyone.


Messages In This Thread
My physical and emotional age did not match up - by Guest - 05-12-2010, 11:49 AM

Forum Jump:

Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)