20-12-2010, 07:00 PM
Hi,
I am in a very similar position to you. I found out my husband is a compulsive gambler a couple of weeks ago. He had been operating a secret bank accounts for 18 months and gambling thousands. He says Ive found out as hes had a big win so our position is even, but who knows, I am just waiting to find out about debts and loans.
He went into a treatment centre today - they says hes also codependent. That bit makes sense to me - that high is basically that he does over the top things to please others and the high is their positive reaction. He seems to think its his responsibility to save the world and every one in it (apart from us apparantly). Hes also spent thousands on others doing that, whilst were having to leave our home and move in with his parents so we can save for a proper family home. He puts himself down to the bottom of the pile and me down there with him most of the time and will do anything to make everyone around him love him and put him on a pedastool. When Ive questioned him hes guilt tripped me, made out I am being unreasonable, lied about it usually and done it anyway, and its crippling me.
Meanwhile hes also been having weekly massages, having his shoes cleaned at the ritz and lying about the lot. And Ive been saving every last penny.
Maybe Im lucky on whether weve got debts out there or not. But I dont trust a word he says to me. I dont even trust hes at the treatment centre for the right reasons - hes so desperate to please everyone and stay on his pedastool that the world puts him on I think hes probably just doing it for me and his parents. He even said to me this morning that he thinks hes beaten the gambling that its all under control and he doesnt want to do it at all. Sure its been a few weeks since hes had a bet (unless hes lying about that too) but I feel thats blatantly only because hes had a shock because weve all found out what hes doing. And he didnt tell me what he was doing, I caught him red handed with the 'secret' bank account.
The compulsive lying and the co-dependency on its own has been enough to drive me to the absolute edge. Ive spent the last three years thinking Ive been going mad as I keep thinking hes lying to me but he just denies it and denies it until I get angry and we argue and then I end up apologising for getting angry. Ive spent all this time thinking I am being dramatic and been unable to talk to the outside world about how devastated and confused I have been feeling. THe outside world sees him as so perfect and I genuinly think me as a demanding, neurotic and unreasonable wife as they also obviously see him doing over the top things to please me (none of them that I need or asked for but the outside world doesnt know that). This has been the loneliest time of my life.
I read the posts about support but my question is this. How far down this line do I go of him slowly but surely tearing me apart? How can I consider bringing kids into the world when I know hes already done some pretty bad things to get money - what kind of an example is that? What if he carries on and ends up in prison?
Hes in a treatment centre from today and I know those places are good, but I also know it will only work if he wants it to. How do I know if hes serious about this or is just saying all the right things and going through the motions? How do I know if he beats the gambling and codependency its not all going to come back in 5 years, 10 years time. Am I not taking the biggest risk of my life supporting him?
I love him and I really really believed he was my soulmate but I genuinly do not know who he is anymore. HOw do I know?
I am in a very similar position to you. I found out my husband is a compulsive gambler a couple of weeks ago. He had been operating a secret bank accounts for 18 months and gambling thousands. He says Ive found out as hes had a big win so our position is even, but who knows, I am just waiting to find out about debts and loans.
He went into a treatment centre today - they says hes also codependent. That bit makes sense to me - that high is basically that he does over the top things to please others and the high is their positive reaction. He seems to think its his responsibility to save the world and every one in it (apart from us apparantly). Hes also spent thousands on others doing that, whilst were having to leave our home and move in with his parents so we can save for a proper family home. He puts himself down to the bottom of the pile and me down there with him most of the time and will do anything to make everyone around him love him and put him on a pedastool. When Ive questioned him hes guilt tripped me, made out I am being unreasonable, lied about it usually and done it anyway, and its crippling me.
Meanwhile hes also been having weekly massages, having his shoes cleaned at the ritz and lying about the lot. And Ive been saving every last penny.
Maybe Im lucky on whether weve got debts out there or not. But I dont trust a word he says to me. I dont even trust hes at the treatment centre for the right reasons - hes so desperate to please everyone and stay on his pedastool that the world puts him on I think hes probably just doing it for me and his parents. He even said to me this morning that he thinks hes beaten the gambling that its all under control and he doesnt want to do it at all. Sure its been a few weeks since hes had a bet (unless hes lying about that too) but I feel thats blatantly only because hes had a shock because weve all found out what hes doing. And he didnt tell me what he was doing, I caught him red handed with the 'secret' bank account.
The compulsive lying and the co-dependency on its own has been enough to drive me to the absolute edge. Ive spent the last three years thinking Ive been going mad as I keep thinking hes lying to me but he just denies it and denies it until I get angry and we argue and then I end up apologising for getting angry. Ive spent all this time thinking I am being dramatic and been unable to talk to the outside world about how devastated and confused I have been feeling. THe outside world sees him as so perfect and I genuinly think me as a demanding, neurotic and unreasonable wife as they also obviously see him doing over the top things to please me (none of them that I need or asked for but the outside world doesnt know that). This has been the loneliest time of my life.
I read the posts about support but my question is this. How far down this line do I go of him slowly but surely tearing me apart? How can I consider bringing kids into the world when I know hes already done some pretty bad things to get money - what kind of an example is that? What if he carries on and ends up in prison?
Hes in a treatment centre from today and I know those places are good, but I also know it will only work if he wants it to. How do I know if hes serious about this or is just saying all the right things and going through the motions? How do I know if he beats the gambling and codependency its not all going to come back in 5 years, 10 years time. Am I not taking the biggest risk of my life supporting him?
I love him and I really really believed he was my soulmate but I genuinly do not know who he is anymore. HOw do I know?