17-12-2011, 03:58 PM
Hi Dave.
Thank you for being here and that you are acknowledging me. It does help me along. Mav, that goes for you too, and everyone on the chat.
I wish I could attend atleast one meeting a week. I barely manage one meeting every month, and I realise this is makes my recovery so much harder than it should have to be. I am thinking about starting a new meeting closer to home, but I don´t feel stable enough to take on that responsibility yet. I understand what you are saying though, that it takes time, time and effort. And that is necessary for me to keep reminding myself of.
I dont think the feelings of emptiness comes from any machine or gamblings establishment <!-- s
--><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt="" title="Smile" /><!-- s -->, I formulated myself badly, it is the act of gambling and everything that comes with that act, for me, that nurtures these feelings. When I am gambling, which I only do at home on my computer, I block out or push down my true emotions, and I don´t sleep properly, eat properly or enjoy anything. I don´t take showers. I don´t clean, wash dishes or take out the garbage. And even if I for shorter period of times manage to get away from the computer, I think about gambling almost every minute I am awake, and I dream about it when I am asleep. I call in sick at work. If I go out to the store or to a friend, I can´t relax or relate and I just want to go back home as soon as I can again. It is that state, that I put myself in while gambling. Like my life is empty, or like there is no hope or no life. Like I despise myself. Like I have a big hole in my stomach. That kind of emptiness. And yes I believe that you are right too, that these emotions also is a result of me suppressing how much me gambling have hurt myself and others before, and that I know that what I am doing is wrong. I havent thought about it that way before.. that hole also being a sign of suppressed emotions.
You wrote: "If we talk about our pains does that make us look like victims that never move on and never heal from our past".
This is one of my major issue because in my mind somehow yes, it does. Not when others talk to me about their pains. But when it is me doing the talking. And when it is about pains connected to my life before gambling. Also I am so afraid that through talking about my pains, that I will inflict pains on other people that will have to carry my pains, even if my intentions arent for them to take over my pains, but just to ventilate and get support, they might still do so because they can´t help it, and perhaps I steal their energy while trying to work our my own problems. Or perhaps if I talk about my pain, others will just feel tired with me and will leave me. Or they would not be able to understand me when I am trying to share about my pains, because I am weird, and they would leave me.
...that is the way it feels to me, although it is stupid because why would me sharing be different from anyone else sharing... Still though whenever I try to take place or share of myself it is connected with shame and fear, also with hope of selfgrowth and katharsis, but always with shame. I am moved about the things you have written about sharing, and you sharing of yourself, because it makes me think less negative thoughts about myself.
On here though, this forum, this chat, I dont feel ashamed when talking about the bad things I have done and horrible situations I have put myself due to me being a compulsive gambler. Perhaps it is because when I share about those things on the chat for example it is like turning the negatives into something positives, it helps in relating and creating a sense of understanding between fellow compulsive gamblers, it helps me feel just like everyone else, and hopefully will help them feel understood and not so horrible either. Like we have all done horrible things, but our responsibility lies in doing differently. Also I dont feel the same need to be understood or the fright that someone will judge me. I dont even feel threatened of "trolls" coming on trying to promote gambling, because I know that I am a compulsive gambler. I am not against gambling for everyone, but I know it isnt for me.
Sharing about me gambling somehow serves a greater purpose. Sharing about me... sadly enough, doesnt.
I get sad when writing this because it makes me realise that I am actually afraid of myself, as if I were something dangerous. Yes, me being a compulsive gambler makes me dangerous because I cause hurt in others and myself, but this image of me being dangerous and hurting people through my words, and before therapy even through my thoughts, stems from my childhood. And I didnt take up gambling until I was in my thirties. I realise it is not a valid selfbelief, so why do I let it affect me like it was...
You are right that I have always had too high expectations and have put too high demands on myself and I already when I was a child decided never ever to hurt anyone. Of course it is impossible to live that way, but I tried to. And I was a good girl, a good daughter, a good student, a good friend. And even so, I was never satisfied with good.. I strived to be perfect and I wanted to be loved by everyone.
When I went to therapy I had to learn that it is ok to get angry, it is ok not to always be good, it is ok to think bad things about others. I dont always have to understand and be nice to everyone. It is ok if someone doesnt like me. In therapy I also got encouraged to set boundaries towards my family and relatives, as it was crucial to protect myself. Therapy is a safe world to live in, and I received so much from going there. The only negative is that when I had finished I felt more alone than ever and also found it even harder to share with others because now I had done my therapy and should therefore be done with everything that happened in the past.
I agree that it dont have anything to do with right or wrong...letting pains go... but when you get truly hurt, when someone attacks you selfcore with words or in otherways, and especially when you are a child or in a very vulnerable place... I have tried to build bridges... and it has been and is working as long as I keep being quiet and adjust myself. But still, yes, deep down I am soooo hurt and disappointed and sad and also... angry because noone should treat a child in some ways, no matter how many personal issues they have themselves to deal with. And not being able to ever getting that hurt and pain acknowledged by the person that has caused it... that makes it so much more difficult to let it go. Because when that other person makes it into right or wrongs, and they always are the ones having right, and I always am the one being wrong... when there is an unability to see that it takes two and that we both contribute to misunderstandings and conflicts and so on... when it is ever only me...it makes it alot harder to let go of completely.
For me gambling also has nothing to do with money. Because no money in the world can compare to the state of not living that gambling puts me in, no money in the world can compare to the hurt I do to myself, my boyfriend and especially my daughter while gambling. Living is about being here one day at a time. It just simply is not about gambling and turning it all off.
There are many things I value in life. Even if having a relapse I havent forgotten about that.
<3
Thank you for being here and that you are acknowledging me. It does help me along. Mav, that goes for you too, and everyone on the chat.
I wish I could attend atleast one meeting a week. I barely manage one meeting every month, and I realise this is makes my recovery so much harder than it should have to be. I am thinking about starting a new meeting closer to home, but I don´t feel stable enough to take on that responsibility yet. I understand what you are saying though, that it takes time, time and effort. And that is necessary for me to keep reminding myself of.
I dont think the feelings of emptiness comes from any machine or gamblings establishment <!-- s
--><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt="" title="Smile" /><!-- s -->, I formulated myself badly, it is the act of gambling and everything that comes with that act, for me, that nurtures these feelings. When I am gambling, which I only do at home on my computer, I block out or push down my true emotions, and I don´t sleep properly, eat properly or enjoy anything. I don´t take showers. I don´t clean, wash dishes or take out the garbage. And even if I for shorter period of times manage to get away from the computer, I think about gambling almost every minute I am awake, and I dream about it when I am asleep. I call in sick at work. If I go out to the store or to a friend, I can´t relax or relate and I just want to go back home as soon as I can again. It is that state, that I put myself in while gambling. Like my life is empty, or like there is no hope or no life. Like I despise myself. Like I have a big hole in my stomach. That kind of emptiness. And yes I believe that you are right too, that these emotions also is a result of me suppressing how much me gambling have hurt myself and others before, and that I know that what I am doing is wrong. I havent thought about it that way before.. that hole also being a sign of suppressed emotions.You wrote: "If we talk about our pains does that make us look like victims that never move on and never heal from our past".
This is one of my major issue because in my mind somehow yes, it does. Not when others talk to me about their pains. But when it is me doing the talking. And when it is about pains connected to my life before gambling. Also I am so afraid that through talking about my pains, that I will inflict pains on other people that will have to carry my pains, even if my intentions arent for them to take over my pains, but just to ventilate and get support, they might still do so because they can´t help it, and perhaps I steal their energy while trying to work our my own problems. Or perhaps if I talk about my pain, others will just feel tired with me and will leave me. Or they would not be able to understand me when I am trying to share about my pains, because I am weird, and they would leave me.
...that is the way it feels to me, although it is stupid because why would me sharing be different from anyone else sharing... Still though whenever I try to take place or share of myself it is connected with shame and fear, also with hope of selfgrowth and katharsis, but always with shame. I am moved about the things you have written about sharing, and you sharing of yourself, because it makes me think less negative thoughts about myself.
On here though, this forum, this chat, I dont feel ashamed when talking about the bad things I have done and horrible situations I have put myself due to me being a compulsive gambler. Perhaps it is because when I share about those things on the chat for example it is like turning the negatives into something positives, it helps in relating and creating a sense of understanding between fellow compulsive gamblers, it helps me feel just like everyone else, and hopefully will help them feel understood and not so horrible either. Like we have all done horrible things, but our responsibility lies in doing differently. Also I dont feel the same need to be understood or the fright that someone will judge me. I dont even feel threatened of "trolls" coming on trying to promote gambling, because I know that I am a compulsive gambler. I am not against gambling for everyone, but I know it isnt for me.
Sharing about me gambling somehow serves a greater purpose. Sharing about me... sadly enough, doesnt.
I get sad when writing this because it makes me realise that I am actually afraid of myself, as if I were something dangerous. Yes, me being a compulsive gambler makes me dangerous because I cause hurt in others and myself, but this image of me being dangerous and hurting people through my words, and before therapy even through my thoughts, stems from my childhood. And I didnt take up gambling until I was in my thirties. I realise it is not a valid selfbelief, so why do I let it affect me like it was...
You are right that I have always had too high expectations and have put too high demands on myself and I already when I was a child decided never ever to hurt anyone. Of course it is impossible to live that way, but I tried to. And I was a good girl, a good daughter, a good student, a good friend. And even so, I was never satisfied with good.. I strived to be perfect and I wanted to be loved by everyone.
When I went to therapy I had to learn that it is ok to get angry, it is ok not to always be good, it is ok to think bad things about others. I dont always have to understand and be nice to everyone. It is ok if someone doesnt like me. In therapy I also got encouraged to set boundaries towards my family and relatives, as it was crucial to protect myself. Therapy is a safe world to live in, and I received so much from going there. The only negative is that when I had finished I felt more alone than ever and also found it even harder to share with others because now I had done my therapy and should therefore be done with everything that happened in the past.
I agree that it dont have anything to do with right or wrong...letting pains go... but when you get truly hurt, when someone attacks you selfcore with words or in otherways, and especially when you are a child or in a very vulnerable place... I have tried to build bridges... and it has been and is working as long as I keep being quiet and adjust myself. But still, yes, deep down I am soooo hurt and disappointed and sad and also... angry because noone should treat a child in some ways, no matter how many personal issues they have themselves to deal with. And not being able to ever getting that hurt and pain acknowledged by the person that has caused it... that makes it so much more difficult to let it go. Because when that other person makes it into right or wrongs, and they always are the ones having right, and I always am the one being wrong... when there is an unability to see that it takes two and that we both contribute to misunderstandings and conflicts and so on... when it is ever only me...it makes it alot harder to let go of completely.
For me gambling also has nothing to do with money. Because no money in the world can compare to the state of not living that gambling puts me in, no money in the world can compare to the hurt I do to myself, my boyfriend and especially my daughter while gambling. Living is about being here one day at a time. It just simply is not about gambling and turning it all off.
There are many things I value in life. Even if having a relapse I havent forgotten about that.
<3