06-06-2011, 02:39 AM
I am and will always be a compulsive gambler, which to me means i can never, ever gamblei n a controlled, disciplined way like normal people do. Even before i became a compulsive gambler i was a selfish, self centered, jealous , wanted to be rich , greedy , lying to impress people, getting angry easily . I had a big ego and thought i am so smart i will get rich without sweating and hard work others do . During gambling my character defects magnified. I lied , cheated, stole to get money to gamble which was lost with in few days. This in turn lead to self hatred and guilt. I was always tense, angry and didnt want to get out of bed if i couldnt gamble that day. i had lost all intrest in sports, music , reading , world affairs, never laughed. I not only lost lots of my own , borrowed and stolen money ---i lost all my friends , relatives , my health was going down the tubes , i didnt eat well , didnt sleep well, didnt excercise , didnt see doctors or dentist even when i needed , neglected work ---. During my long gambling years i was so possessed by money -nothing else mattered ---i thought i had a financial problem --- never thought i had a gambling problem which caused a financial problem----I was really living a very miserable life ---once i hadnt eaten for a day , sold my blood to have a meal, and then lost that money gambling---- I finally came to GA almost 12 yrs ago and the warmth and friendship i recieved after telling them what all awful things i had done --made me cry and changed my life forever --- Although i have been lost my abstinence few times i have always returned back to GA -- over the years in GA lots of changes have taken place in me . I have realised its impossible for a compulisive gambler to win money and pay debts by it for good . Only way to pay back debts is earning and paying back little by ittle. I dont lie , cheat or steal anymore . I see movies, see my denist ,docs regularly , new wardrobe every so often --, i was promoted at work , have gotten most of my friends and relatives and some new ones too---relationships are built on honesty and trust --, i even donate to charities . All these good things and working on GA's 12 steps have wiped off self hatred and guilt which used to torment me ---i have only recently learned not to get angry at other peoples words or actions--- It may sound crazy but i am much better person now than i was before i became a compulsive gambler--I go to 1or 2 meetings a week and have come this UK chat room 4-5 times a day every day for last 86 days --- i was born on this planet , went to hell and now i am in heaven ---only God and me knows how happy and healthy i am . Thanks to this chat room and GA