06-06-2011, 06:48 PM
Hi All
I thought I would share my story with you in the hope that there are people out there who have a similar problem to mine and have overcome it. I began gambling when I was was sixteen and have been gambling since, when I think about it, I just cant believe I have gambled such a large part of my life away, I just cant believe it.
To be honest with you I don't even know why I do it, because I well past the stage where you realise you are never going to win anything. In fact for such a long time now it actually doesn't matter whether I win or lose, the feeling is more or less the same. I hate myself so much for it but I just cant stop. I have tried all the usual stuff like self-exclusion, letting my partner handle my money but I still cant do it. When I walk into betting shop its like go into a trance and my brain justifies everything that I am doing, I know what I am doing and I know I am going to lose everything I have but I just cant stop myself. Its only when I have walked out that I start to think of all the things I could have done with the money I have wasted.
Its bad now as it use to be actually since my partner has started controlling my money I haven't gambled as heavily but I think that's because I havent haven't had any money to gamble with. Many a time I find myself gambling money which I should have used to eat on my work day and go hungry all day so I can feed a different hunger one that is greater than the hunger for food. I am compulsive I know, in fact if there was a higher stage to compulsive I am probably at the stage higher than that. I cannot explain why I do what I do, but find myself always thinking about procuring the money to gamble and when I have the money I spend my time pondering on how I am going to gamble it. Its constantly on my mind.
Gambling has made into a compulsive liar, something I hate and ironically a trait I hate in other people. I lie to my partner every day, because one lie fuels another, then the other and then the other and your whole life becomes a revolved around lie. She knows I gamble but has no idea about the extent of it, I can never tell her my only hope is to extinguish this daemon inside me before I lose her, which would be something I cannot even imagine.
I have destroyed my credit rating, stole money to fuel this disease which has taken over me like a terrible cancer. I no longer live with my parents but I told my mother once and saw the tears roll down her face. At that moment I told myself never again and really meant it but enough time passed and back I am to my old ways. I cannot believe how lucky I am to have such loving people around me who love me and I love them but despite this I cannot stop. I even dream about gambling on the roulette machines mostly, and despite it being a dream I still lose.
I've been good for a few days and have not been to play those dreaded machines for a few days. But I know sooner or later I will be back tapping on those numbers. I something I really don't wish on anyone but most of all I don't wish upon myself but hey I have the disease so what am I to do. I hope some reads this.
thanks
I thought I would share my story with you in the hope that there are people out there who have a similar problem to mine and have overcome it. I began gambling when I was was sixteen and have been gambling since, when I think about it, I just cant believe I have gambled such a large part of my life away, I just cant believe it.
To be honest with you I don't even know why I do it, because I well past the stage where you realise you are never going to win anything. In fact for such a long time now it actually doesn't matter whether I win or lose, the feeling is more or less the same. I hate myself so much for it but I just cant stop. I have tried all the usual stuff like self-exclusion, letting my partner handle my money but I still cant do it. When I walk into betting shop its like go into a trance and my brain justifies everything that I am doing, I know what I am doing and I know I am going to lose everything I have but I just cant stop myself. Its only when I have walked out that I start to think of all the things I could have done with the money I have wasted.
Its bad now as it use to be actually since my partner has started controlling my money I haven't gambled as heavily but I think that's because I havent haven't had any money to gamble with. Many a time I find myself gambling money which I should have used to eat on my work day and go hungry all day so I can feed a different hunger one that is greater than the hunger for food. I am compulsive I know, in fact if there was a higher stage to compulsive I am probably at the stage higher than that. I cannot explain why I do what I do, but find myself always thinking about procuring the money to gamble and when I have the money I spend my time pondering on how I am going to gamble it. Its constantly on my mind.
Gambling has made into a compulsive liar, something I hate and ironically a trait I hate in other people. I lie to my partner every day, because one lie fuels another, then the other and then the other and your whole life becomes a revolved around lie. She knows I gamble but has no idea about the extent of it, I can never tell her my only hope is to extinguish this daemon inside me before I lose her, which would be something I cannot even imagine.
I have destroyed my credit rating, stole money to fuel this disease which has taken over me like a terrible cancer. I no longer live with my parents but I told my mother once and saw the tears roll down her face. At that moment I told myself never again and really meant it but enough time passed and back I am to my old ways. I cannot believe how lucky I am to have such loving people around me who love me and I love them but despite this I cannot stop. I even dream about gambling on the roulette machines mostly, and despite it being a dream I still lose.
I've been good for a few days and have not been to play those dreaded machines for a few days. But I know sooner or later I will be back tapping on those numbers. I something I really don't wish on anyone but most of all I don't wish upon myself but hey I have the disease so what am I to do. I hope some reads this.
thanks