05-07-2011, 03:53 PM
Hello again.
I do believe in the GA program. And even if it perhaps sounds contradictory to what I wrote before about selfdestructiveness and selfloathing: I do believe in life itself and that it is possible to build another future for myself and my family, without gambling. The idea of a higher power still is illusive to me. Sometimes, very rarely, I can vageuly sense it, but most of the time I feel empty.
I have been struggling for the last six months, trying to get control. And I have made good progress, considering I have made payment plans that eventually will make me deptfree. Which is kind of surreal in itself for me.
Mo and Smartie, your answers made me realise that I am going about my problems in the wrong way. I can continue playing poker in small amounts or only freerolls, just waiting for the next time I loose control. That is not really the keypoint though is it? The keypoint is: even if I don´t even consider the controlissue, still keeping up the game keeps my emotional innerworld tuned out. And that way I will never be open to true change. I will only cement the feelings of restlessness, anxiety, emptyness. And that way I will never be able to come closer to step 2 and 3. I will have to quit completely to give myself a fair chance.
The deceiving thoughts about being bored and want to waste time by playing a tournament, and the even more deceiving thoughts coming from pride and unwillingness to accept final defeat, about control, has made it hard to let the game go completely. Even if I on a rational level do know that I am powerless. Poker has been my comfort and way to turn off life for such a long time.
Your answers made me realise that I am still trying to hide, for myself and everyone else. I have to get real.
Yesterday I removed all my clientels and I have installed a gambling blocker. One minute I regret it, the other minute I feel relief. I realise this is just the first temporary solution, but it is a huge step forward for me.
I have downloaded some of the litterature from this site and I am checking out the possibilities of attending meetings or perhaps starting a new GA group. The nearest GA meeting is 200 kilometers away. I don´t reside in the UK but I hope I still am welcome on your site.
I am so grateful to all of you who put in your time and energy and make the existence of GA possible.
Love to all!
I do believe in the GA program. And even if it perhaps sounds contradictory to what I wrote before about selfdestructiveness and selfloathing: I do believe in life itself and that it is possible to build another future for myself and my family, without gambling. The idea of a higher power still is illusive to me. Sometimes, very rarely, I can vageuly sense it, but most of the time I feel empty.
I have been struggling for the last six months, trying to get control. And I have made good progress, considering I have made payment plans that eventually will make me deptfree. Which is kind of surreal in itself for me.
Mo and Smartie, your answers made me realise that I am going about my problems in the wrong way. I can continue playing poker in small amounts or only freerolls, just waiting for the next time I loose control. That is not really the keypoint though is it? The keypoint is: even if I don´t even consider the controlissue, still keeping up the game keeps my emotional innerworld tuned out. And that way I will never be open to true change. I will only cement the feelings of restlessness, anxiety, emptyness. And that way I will never be able to come closer to step 2 and 3. I will have to quit completely to give myself a fair chance.
The deceiving thoughts about being bored and want to waste time by playing a tournament, and the even more deceiving thoughts coming from pride and unwillingness to accept final defeat, about control, has made it hard to let the game go completely. Even if I on a rational level do know that I am powerless. Poker has been my comfort and way to turn off life for such a long time.
Your answers made me realise that I am still trying to hide, for myself and everyone else. I have to get real.
Yesterday I removed all my clientels and I have installed a gambling blocker. One minute I regret it, the other minute I feel relief. I realise this is just the first temporary solution, but it is a huge step forward for me.
I have downloaded some of the litterature from this site and I am checking out the possibilities of attending meetings or perhaps starting a new GA group. The nearest GA meeting is 200 kilometers away. I don´t reside in the UK but I hope I still am welcome on your site.
I am so grateful to all of you who put in your time and energy and make the existence of GA possible.
Love to all!