05-09-2011, 02:20 AM
Well I've made it through another day. It's been so tempting though. I was supposed to being some work on the pc tonight ready for use tomorrow, but as I couldn't trust myself to open the right programmes and sites I didn't go on it so the work hasn't got done. Still, better to not do the work than gamble especially as the work isn't essential yet. At some point soon though I'm going to need to go on the pc and at a bare minimum move all the bookmarks and programmes away from the desktop then I wont see them every time I log onto the machine.
I'm feeling very low in myself, even though I should be feeling good that I have made it through another day. In fact, bearing in mind that I suffer from serious depression at the best of times anyway, I'm feeling so bad that I'm actually considering seeing my doc about it too. I know that things will get better and in time it will get easier to not give into the temptation to gamble but it doesn't make it any less testing on my mood at the moment. I'm confident though that as long as I can get to this weeks meeting and get the very first meeting over and done with then I can take more strength from a big step in the right direction which should help as a big chunk of the anxiety over going to my first meeting will then be dealt with.
I've found out that there is a meeting in another town tomorrow. It's not too far away though and unless something goes wrong during the day I'm not doing anything tomorrow night up to now so I'm thinking about going along there although I'm planning on using the meetings in my home town as my regular ones. It's just a ling time yet till Friday so if I can get to these others on Mondays too at least during these early days then I think it will be a big help ro me. In one way it might even be easier than my home town meeting for the first one as the chances of seeing someone I know are highly reduced.
I've also been thinking about maybe getting in touch with an old minister from a church I used to go to as I always found that I could talk to him about anything. The only problem with that is that he isn't a minister any more as he had to give it up due to serious illness in the family. If I can track down a phone number for him though then I might well give him a ring. I've not been to church since before he had to step down as minister so I've not got a relationship with the current minister and even if I had I dont know if I could talk to him about my gambling and how it is affecting me as quite a few members of my family go to that church and I would worry about them accidentally being told about anything I've talked about with him.
So all being well I'm gonna try and get to a meeting tomorrow night. I'm most definitely finding writing on here a big help as I can get things off my chest without feeling like I'm being judged. Of course that means that I seem to ve writing a lot of essays but at least I'm not having to bottle everything up quite as much and can be honest about how I'm doing, if I'm struggling or slipping up, and if I'm making any progress. In time I'll be able to come clean to my family, but for now with other things that are going on which are more serious in most ways it's not the right time yet to say anything and definitely not worth causing any more worry to anyone else than I need to at this point. I think once I'm making more progress then I'll be more able to come clean with them as the fact that I'm doing something about it and getting there slowly with it will make it in many ways a much easier conversation to have. I think it would be different if I didn't live by myself but because I do it does mean that it is less likely that any of the family are even aware of the situation.
I think I've wrote enougg for tonight. I hope it makes sense as my spell check auto changes spelling so sometimes words get altered and I've only scanned it for typos.
Looking forward to making tomorrow a day without gambling abd getting to my first meeting.
Kez
I'm feeling very low in myself, even though I should be feeling good that I have made it through another day. In fact, bearing in mind that I suffer from serious depression at the best of times anyway, I'm feeling so bad that I'm actually considering seeing my doc about it too. I know that things will get better and in time it will get easier to not give into the temptation to gamble but it doesn't make it any less testing on my mood at the moment. I'm confident though that as long as I can get to this weeks meeting and get the very first meeting over and done with then I can take more strength from a big step in the right direction which should help as a big chunk of the anxiety over going to my first meeting will then be dealt with.
I've found out that there is a meeting in another town tomorrow. It's not too far away though and unless something goes wrong during the day I'm not doing anything tomorrow night up to now so I'm thinking about going along there although I'm planning on using the meetings in my home town as my regular ones. It's just a ling time yet till Friday so if I can get to these others on Mondays too at least during these early days then I think it will be a big help ro me. In one way it might even be easier than my home town meeting for the first one as the chances of seeing someone I know are highly reduced.
I've also been thinking about maybe getting in touch with an old minister from a church I used to go to as I always found that I could talk to him about anything. The only problem with that is that he isn't a minister any more as he had to give it up due to serious illness in the family. If I can track down a phone number for him though then I might well give him a ring. I've not been to church since before he had to step down as minister so I've not got a relationship with the current minister and even if I had I dont know if I could talk to him about my gambling and how it is affecting me as quite a few members of my family go to that church and I would worry about them accidentally being told about anything I've talked about with him.
So all being well I'm gonna try and get to a meeting tomorrow night. I'm most definitely finding writing on here a big help as I can get things off my chest without feeling like I'm being judged. Of course that means that I seem to ve writing a lot of essays but at least I'm not having to bottle everything up quite as much and can be honest about how I'm doing, if I'm struggling or slipping up, and if I'm making any progress. In time I'll be able to come clean to my family, but for now with other things that are going on which are more serious in most ways it's not the right time yet to say anything and definitely not worth causing any more worry to anyone else than I need to at this point. I think once I'm making more progress then I'll be more able to come clean with them as the fact that I'm doing something about it and getting there slowly with it will make it in many ways a much easier conversation to have. I think it would be different if I didn't live by myself but because I do it does mean that it is less likely that any of the family are even aware of the situation.
I think I've wrote enougg for tonight. I hope it makes sense as my spell check auto changes spelling so sometimes words get altered and I've only scanned it for typos.
Looking forward to making tomorrow a day without gambling abd getting to my first meeting.
Kez