02-09-2011, 02:17 AM
Hi again,
Things aren't going so well. I've already slipped and been back gambling both last night and tonight. I really hate myself for it too, especially as I'd had to put the credit limit up on my credit card to give me some funds for urgent car repairs and now I've gambled almost all of the car money away. I only got paid on Tuesday too, and all my disposable cash for the whole month is gone, leaving me only just enough to pay the bills.
I was really hoping that I would be able to go to a meeting tomorrow, but tonight I've had it dropped on me that I have to be somewhere else tomorrow night so I'm not going to be able to go. I was also hoping that I would have got home tonight in enough time to be able to sit in on the online meeting, but that got sideswiped too as I ended up being stuck out much longer than I was anticipating.
I almost confided in my brother yesterday afternoon, as I am lucky to be able to talk to him about quite a few things, although not everything. I seriously was thinking about it, but then we were having such a nice and rare afternoon out together that I didn't want to spoil it so I kept my mouth shut.
I'm feeling really frustrated with things seeming to be conspiring against me taking the next step, but even more than that I am so annoyed with myself, as I had promised myself that I would not gamble. I feel like I've let myself and everyone else down. These feelings aren't exactly helping the issue either, as they are making me want to do something to relax instead of feeling them, and that's why I've slipped again tonight after last nights slip.
I have been thinking though, and I'm toying with the idea of telling my family that I'm going to be unavailable for anything all day and night every Friday from next week as I need a day off from all the emotional rollercoaster that comes from the many issues that I have to deal with day in and day out. I've got other things starting during the day on Fridays soon too that are going to be essential for me to go to, so I guess that because the family already knows about them, it won't be a stretch to say that I'm just not going to be around or answering the phone for the whole 24 hour period. I think that it's going to be difficult for me to get to meetings otherwise as things regularly come up at the last minute and I have to drop everything to deal with them, so I need to find a way of making it happen.
I really believe that this can work for me. I've got through lots of things by faith and prayer in my past along with having people who understand to talk to. This is something that I can't go to my regular support network for though, as they are all very strict religious people and they would judge me for it - I get enough of that on a normal day anyway for being one of the 'black sheep' in the family. That's why after reading the 12 steps through a few times and lots of thought about it, I came to the conclusion that GA is the answer for me.
Oh well, tomorrow is another day, so I'll try again tomorrow to not gamble for the day.
Kez
Things aren't going so well. I've already slipped and been back gambling both last night and tonight. I really hate myself for it too, especially as I'd had to put the credit limit up on my credit card to give me some funds for urgent car repairs and now I've gambled almost all of the car money away. I only got paid on Tuesday too, and all my disposable cash for the whole month is gone, leaving me only just enough to pay the bills.
I was really hoping that I would be able to go to a meeting tomorrow, but tonight I've had it dropped on me that I have to be somewhere else tomorrow night so I'm not going to be able to go. I was also hoping that I would have got home tonight in enough time to be able to sit in on the online meeting, but that got sideswiped too as I ended up being stuck out much longer than I was anticipating.
I almost confided in my brother yesterday afternoon, as I am lucky to be able to talk to him about quite a few things, although not everything. I seriously was thinking about it, but then we were having such a nice and rare afternoon out together that I didn't want to spoil it so I kept my mouth shut.
I'm feeling really frustrated with things seeming to be conspiring against me taking the next step, but even more than that I am so annoyed with myself, as I had promised myself that I would not gamble. I feel like I've let myself and everyone else down. These feelings aren't exactly helping the issue either, as they are making me want to do something to relax instead of feeling them, and that's why I've slipped again tonight after last nights slip.
I have been thinking though, and I'm toying with the idea of telling my family that I'm going to be unavailable for anything all day and night every Friday from next week as I need a day off from all the emotional rollercoaster that comes from the many issues that I have to deal with day in and day out. I've got other things starting during the day on Fridays soon too that are going to be essential for me to go to, so I guess that because the family already knows about them, it won't be a stretch to say that I'm just not going to be around or answering the phone for the whole 24 hour period. I think that it's going to be difficult for me to get to meetings otherwise as things regularly come up at the last minute and I have to drop everything to deal with them, so I need to find a way of making it happen.
I really believe that this can work for me. I've got through lots of things by faith and prayer in my past along with having people who understand to talk to. This is something that I can't go to my regular support network for though, as they are all very strict religious people and they would judge me for it - I get enough of that on a normal day anyway for being one of the 'black sheep' in the family. That's why after reading the 12 steps through a few times and lots of thought about it, I came to the conclusion that GA is the answer for me.
Oh well, tomorrow is another day, so I'll try again tomorrow to not gamble for the day.
Kez