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My name is John, I am a compulsive gambler.
#3
John,
Firstly welcome and thanks for that post!! sincerely! It must have taken a lot of courage to write down all of your emotions on this.

Life is cruel it hurts us in ways we know not how, sometimes the ones we love the most guide us.

I hope you feel my sincerity in the next part of my post:

Family ties and reasons to "escape" as we do into gambling are often there...But i wish to share something never discussed in my personal therapy.

At the height of my gambling I was alone apart from one person, my grandmother, she never judged, she never gave me money, she did something that no one outside of GA has done and that is "listen".

She was old, she could not hardly walk and I would go at weekends to help her in her apartment, more to keep her company and fill my day as if I had money I would be gambling.

She shared many things with me, about her life, about people envolved in her life and I believe she sypathised with me due to the relationship I had with my father.

In fact she answered many questions I had.

I dont blame anything for my gambling apart from I am a CG, but i would often blame the insecurities on many childhood things.

Under the lonely life I lead from 18-28 there was homelessness, desperation but always my nan was my rock.

I escaped my life in 2007...i hit rock bottom, in a hole of desperation I found the way to live Just for today.

Then 6months after being away I got the tragic news that my grandmother had passed away.

Hence my share now of something i found in my life to be inspirational to me, something that for the first time in my life gave me hope and belief my path was a correct one to choose:

the day of my grandmothers funeral I called home and told my mum to say a prayer for me and tell Nan i loved her so so much, my mum asked I in turn say a prayer to my nan.

So as promissed in the afternoon i went outside to the balcony of my apartment, stood looking at the beautifull blue sky when a V of swans flew over my head at some altitude flying from right to left across the sky, they had got 200metres or more flying away when i closed my eyes and said a deep prayer for my nan.

I told her I loved her, I told her that I did what I had to purely and simply to change my life, to stop gambling and to become a better man, this prayer lasted 2mins, then I opened my eyes and looked into the distance and the V of swans was now specs in the distance and as I then glance high in the sky above my head one swan was circling above me, on its own, it circled twice then flew at speed in the direction of the others.

Stood in amazement i watched as it flapped its gracefull wings fast to catch the others and straight away I said "my nan just said goodbye"

tears that rolled down my face ended with a smile that I had the courage to change, god had granted me the serenity.

Now many non believers may mock this story but I have shared this with not many people and one person I did told me a similar recollection.

End result is that now I believe that someone so beautifull they saw the good in me even at my worst has gone to a better place and it has effected the way in which i live my life because like that swan they are watching over me.

I have avoided hurry since, avoided gambling, I have shred the things holding me back in life from my life, I have lived just for one day.

There will be times and there has been in the past 4+ yrs since when I have questioned my problem and returned (three times) the last being April of this year however each time it has reminded me of the fact I want to be at peace with the world and at peace with me.

Not many people at GA and I am on forum, chat daily know how deeply I have changed and the reasons why I have changed, but the biggest one is belief.

Belief in a higher power than myself.

Gambling to a compulsive gambler will take dignity, pride, it will eat all, it has no boundaries, it will continue to cause devastation, grief and misery.

But I will never forget that day etched forever in my mind the day I realised who and what i am and what i need to do to live a normal life.

It is simple to say "god grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference" but i now know the true meaning of these words.

Welcome John, I truly hope you follow my path and hope like this Group of men and women who have come together we can inspire one another to lead normal lives.

TC

Barrie
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Messages In This Thread
My name is John, I am a compulsive gambler. - by Guest - 22-11-2011, 11:12 PM
Re: My name is John, I am a compulsive gambler. - by Guest - 24-11-2011, 12:43 AM
Re: My name is John, I am a compulsive gambler. - by barrieexgambler - 24-11-2011, 05:25 AM
Re: My name is John, I am a compulsive gambler. - by Guest - 24-11-2011, 09:02 PM
Re: My name is John, I am a compulsive gambler. - by Guest - 25-11-2011, 06:50 PM
Re: My name is John, I am a compulsive gambler. - by Tomso - 25-11-2011, 07:25 PM
Re: My name is John, I am a compulsive gambler. - by barrieexgambler - 28-11-2011, 05:16 AM
Re: My name is John, I am a compulsive gambler. - by crazy horse gang - 29-12-2011, 05:39 PM

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