Thread Rating:
  • 1 Vote(s) - 5 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
My name is Simmo
#1
My name is Simmo and I am a compulsive gambler, I've been attending GA weekly since April 2016 and recently joined the forum. 

This is my second time reaching out to the GA rooms and this time I intend to stay.

I spent years in denial and that I could tackle this illness on my own.  I went to GA 12 years ago for a few months, but didn't stick to it, I was heavily in denial and constantly looked for differences between myself and everyone else in the room.  I didn't gamble every day, I was what you would call a binge gambler, short sharp spurts of gambling that were progressively damaging and increasing in their intensity.  But just because I didn't gamble every day or think about it every day, I didn't find myself itching for that next bet, I created a disassociation with everyone else in GA.  "I'm not the same as them" "My gambling isn't that bad" "I can control it"  All delusional thoughts but I'm only now able to see that.   Unfortunately, the denial at that time was too strong and the delusional thinking resulted in another 12 years of gambling, losing girlfriends, a house, lots of money, lots of time, I became emotionally vacant, destroyed my self-worth, self-esteem, self-confidence, and eventually crashed into severe depression and considered taking my own life.

I am a Son, Father to 3, husband,  Grandson, Brother, Uncle, friend, colleague and it was through thinking about how I would leave everyone else feeling with me gone that kept me from carrying out my thoughts.  I didn't care about me, I had fallen out of love with myself.  "I'm just an idiot who causes chaos, causes a storm in what was a calm sea"  "I'm a failure"  "I can't control myself"  "I can't do this anymore" "They will be better off without me"  All thoughts that would spin around in my washing machine head. 

I was off work for 6 months, 3 of those unable to function as a person, literally spent 3 months on the sofa watching box set after box set and playing games on my phone.  At this time I didn't want to gamble but I had transferred addiction from gambling to gaming, and even though I was still in debt, still managed to waste another chunk playing.   It was a tough time, and after finally seeking help thanks to my wife, I went to the Priory, saw a psychiatrist, was put on medication and a 28 day stay in hospital.  I am grateful and lucky to have a good job with insurance, otherwise I would not have had the access to what was critical care at that time.

This was my rock bottom!!  Could always have got worse, but for me, this was as low as I was willing to accept.

I learnt a lot in the Priory, but the most important factor was being directed back to the GA fellowship. 

I'm now nearly 8 months into recovery, I still have my wife supporting me for which I a truly grateful, she was so close to packing up and leaving.  Working the program is helping me enormously, step 1 especially.  Today, I whole heartily accept that I have a gambling addiction, that I had crossed the line into reckless compulsive gambling.  By accepting the problem, the questioning inside my head stopped, and moved on to how can I fix this.

Going to GA meetings is my number 1 priority, in recovery I am useful to others, I become trustworthy, caring, empathetic, loving, happy, I listen to people, I share my opinion, I don't judge others, I am working on maturity, I change from demands to desires.  I live a calmer, less chaotic life.  I still struggle, but I'd much rather struggle in recovery than spend another night standing at a fruit machine, not eating, not drinking, busting for the loo but unable to walk away, ignoring my wife's calls, missing out on so many aspects of my kids growing up, being vacant from the family both physically when away and emotionally even when at home.

No matter how bad things have got, I have found hope in the GA fellowship.  Spending time with and sharing life experiences with like minded people, having a genuine connection with people is changing my life for the better.  I take it a day at a time, I'm in a lot of debt, but without gambling it's going to get better.  Learning to accept that it's going to be a slow process is really hard, but helps.  As a gambler, I always want and expect a quick fix.  There is no quick fix to paying off debt.  Hard work and dedication, working the GA program, one day at a time.

Just for today.... I will not gamble
One day at a time.  My last bet was 15/03/2016 and I hope and pray each day that it stays that way.
Reply


Messages In This Thread
My name is Simmo - by Simmo - 08-11-2016, 01:04 PM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by smartie - 08-11-2016, 01:21 PM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by Simmo - 09-11-2016, 02:28 PM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by smartie - 10-11-2016, 12:50 PM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by Simmo - 10-11-2016, 08:37 PM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by Simmo - 17-11-2016, 01:50 PM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by smartie - 17-11-2016, 03:07 PM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by Simmo - 21-11-2016, 03:19 PM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by Simmo - 14-12-2016, 09:47 AM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by Simmo - 03-01-2017, 10:54 AM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by Simmo - 23-01-2017, 05:02 PM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by Simmo - 22-02-2017, 10:45 AM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by Simmo - 24-03-2017, 11:05 PM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by Simmo - 07-04-2017, 02:56 PM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by Simmo - 06-05-2017, 11:04 AM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by Simmo - 16-06-2017, 12:33 PM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by Simmo - 30-06-2017, 05:35 PM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by smartie - 01-07-2017, 02:51 PM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by Simmo - 05-07-2017, 01:11 AM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by Simmo - 05-07-2017, 10:10 AM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by Simmo - 05-07-2017, 03:48 PM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by Simmo - 10-07-2017, 04:00 PM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by Simmo - 17-07-2017, 05:14 PM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by Simmo - 01-08-2017, 03:12 PM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by Simmo - 02-08-2017, 01:04 PM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by Simmo - 03-08-2017, 11:02 AM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by Simmo - 26-09-2017, 10:06 AM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by Simmo - 01-11-2017, 02:04 PM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by smartie - 30-11-2017, 12:41 PM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by Simmo - 18-01-2018, 03:11 PM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by StrengthToStop - 18-01-2018, 10:31 PM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by Simmo - 20-02-2018, 07:26 PM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by Simmo - 14-03-2018, 02:11 PM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by Simmo - 22-03-2018, 08:58 PM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by Simmo - 10-04-2018, 12:55 PM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by smartie - 10-04-2018, 03:46 PM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by Simmo - 16-04-2018, 11:28 AM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by Simmo - 25-04-2018, 10:44 AM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by Simmo - 18-05-2018, 02:07 PM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by Simmo - 24-05-2018, 09:49 PM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by StrengthToStop - 30-05-2018, 09:47 PM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by Simmo - 31-05-2018, 11:17 AM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by Simmo - 01-06-2018, 01:44 PM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by Simmo - 11-06-2018, 02:41 PM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by Simmo - 14-06-2018, 11:55 AM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by Simmo - 29-06-2018, 09:41 AM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by Chris_b - 30-06-2018, 03:04 PM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by Simmo - 09-07-2018, 09:45 AM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by Simmo - 24-07-2018, 02:15 PM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by StrengthToStop - 24-07-2018, 06:24 PM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by Simmo - 30-08-2018, 02:56 PM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by StrengthToStop - 02-09-2018, 08:26 AM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by Simmo - 03-09-2018, 10:14 AM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by Simmo - 13-09-2018, 10:26 AM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by smartie - 13-09-2018, 04:31 PM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by StrengthToStop - 13-09-2018, 09:27 PM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by Simmo - 26-10-2018, 08:45 AM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by Simmo - 08-12-2018, 02:16 AM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by StrengthToStop - 30-12-2018, 09:27 AM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by shoebox - 15-01-2019, 04:11 AM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by Simmo - 30-04-2019, 03:38 PM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by StrengthToStop - 20-06-2019, 06:42 AM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by Simmo - 19-07-2019, 02:45 PM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by Simmo - 23-07-2019, 04:59 PM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by LewB - 23-07-2019, 08:14 PM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by smartie - 27-07-2019, 01:06 PM
RE: Simmo's Journal - by Simmo - 30-07-2019, 01:17 PM
RE: My name is Simmo - by Simmo - 03-09-2019, 12:45 PM
RE: My name is Simmo - by Simmo - 26-09-2019, 11:28 AM
RE: My name is Simmo - by Simmo - 20-12-2019, 04:19 PM
RE: My name is Simmo - by LewB - 20-12-2019, 05:21 PM
RE: My name is Simmo - by Simmo - 21-12-2019, 02:52 PM
RE: My name is Simmo - by smartie - 23-12-2019, 12:24 PM
RE: My name is Simmo - by Simmo - 31-12-2019, 11:04 PM
RE: My name is Simmo - by Simmo - 16-01-2020, 02:07 PM
RE: My name is Simmo - by StrengthToStop - 20-05-2020, 02:33 PM

Forum Jump:


Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)