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Caught out Again !!
#1
Hi My Name is Darren i'm 43 and I'm a compulsive gambler.

Hi, I am a past GA attendee at Carlisle and Blackpool (No meetings within 80 miles from where i live). On 28th December 2016 my whole world fell apart yet again when my wife found numerous things on my phone that I was gambling again for the 3rd time round and i was kicked out of the family home i shared with my wife and our 2 son's.
 
I knew that morning when I couldn't find my phone after a night out I was I was in trouble or should I say relieved that I had been found out yet again. She found a bet on my phone to a person I knew that accepted bets and also after further scrutiny of my phone found out that I had an account with paddy power ! When she questioned me i was very defensive at first like all gamblers are, I then confessed to everything regards the gambling as I had done my fill with all the lies and deceit in this period like in the previous occasions and felt a huge weight lifted off me that I had been found out. This is where us gamblers think we are the best (lies and deceit) as I opened an account using my dad's name and bank account details, as I was at the time sorting his finances out for him, yeah good coming from a compulsive gambler I know, i began to deposit small amounts in the first place to place bets. I was soon increasing stakes and depositing money more regular as the gambling gripped me again. Can I just say my dad knew I was doing this but I lied to him as well that it was little amounts n not often !! Yes there were wins along the road like there always is but being a compulsive gambler you always chase and when in front we dont quit do we ! Over a 9 month period doing this using my dad's bank account I lost around £1000 ( my dad was never out of pocket as i drew what money i had lost from my credit card and repaid him without my wife knowing ) I know this doesn't seem a lot to some people and believe me I've done a lot lot more than this in the past and know it could of being a lot worse had I not being caught out again ! The scary thing is though it wasn't until my wife printed out all the transactions from my dad's account to paddy power that it showed me the compulsiveness had gripped me again !

After the last time some 6/7 years ago when i was found out my wife decided after sometime apart to give things another go, even though this was against her families wishes and caused friction between them. I'm not going to lie things were rocky at times but i had to rebuild the trust with her and all the others that had been affected by my addiction to gambling. I was attending Carlisle and Blackpool GA meetings as n when i could due to my shift work. Things began to improve steadily as there were now things in place and the support network i now had in my wife, GA, friends and even my wife's family were there for me. Everyone said come and talk to us if you have thoughts or feel like gambling again and we will help you. I wll be honest to say that after a good while things were stronger n better than they had been at anytime before !! 

Then when i stopped attending GA meetings thinking i can do this on my own and im not going to lie  I did for a long while and never thought about gambling or even had a bet, but as everyone knows you can't do this on your own. As in any case all it takes is that 1st bet as little or big as it maybe and then you are back on that slippery road to ruin. Yes you guessed it i was now on this slippery road but rather than get back to GA or approach my wife or any other person that had offered me help i chose to carry on gambling thinking i could stop on my own as I felt so ashamed and embarrased to approach anyone that had offered to help previous to tell them i was gambling again, i just wish i had been big enough to ask for help rather than get found out yet again !! 

This time it has cost me my marriage and all the heartache that will come with it. I have lost my best friend and soul mate in my wife (who deserves so much better), I also have so many bridges to mend and things to prove to my 2 son's (who are my world) and if they are not a big enough reason to kick this gambling addiction for once and for all I will grow old a very lonely man.

I am sorry if I've rambled on but I am now 13 days without gambling, but have a lot of things going on in my mind other than gambling at this moment as in losing my wife and marriage, but I am attending my 1st GA meeting back at Carlisle on 16th January.

Cheers
Darren
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#2
Hi Darren,

Seriously there is no need to apologise for rambling on, the more we speak about our troubles that gambling have caused, the better. Not only does it help us process our thoughts, but it helps others reading your experiences. Your experience of stopping the meetings and eventually going back to your old ways is a story that is far too common, and one that I also shared. I lost a house and 2 relationships through my gambling.

Having attended GA and then stopping, gambling for 12 years destructively in between, I finally realised that the only way for me to continue to stop gambling was to keep going to meetings. As I enter my 10th month of recovery I see people come and go from the meetings, but those that have been there every week have not had a bet.

All the best

In Unity

Simmo
One day at a time.  My last bet was 15/03/2016 and I hope and pray each day that it stays that way.
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#3
Hi Simmo, 

Many thanks for your kind words which are absolutley true. I know its early days, but it kills me how much pain and hurt i have caused to the 3 people i love so much but as any gambler knows whilst you are gambling and in your own little bubble you do not think about anyone bar yourself. I just hope my 2 son's who are devastated at this moment in time that there family life has being broken up by my gambling addiction, will not hate me and in time find it in themselves to forgive me for what i have done. As for my wife you don't realise what a good thing you had until you havent got that anymore !!

Darren
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#4
Hey Darren,

I feel your pain mate, as much as it hurts those around us and ourselves, you cannot change the past, but there is hope for the future. Working the 12 step program of GA gives us that hope and works towards making changes in our lives that benefit not only ourselves but those that we have hurt in the grips of addiction. One day at a time, one step at a time. I can't answer for your family, however through my own experience and of others that I am honoured to know through the fellowship, things do improve, and relationships can start to heal.

Simmo
One day at a time.  My last bet was 15/03/2016 and I hope and pray each day that it stays that way.
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#5
Please come back and let us know how the meeting went...

All the best..
Smartie xx
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#6
Well I attended my first GA meeting again last night since I was found out that I had being gambling again, I can say it was a relief walking back into that room and reconnecting with people that have the same addiction/illness that I have, there were a couple of familiar faces that I remembered from the lastime I attended GA some 6/7 years ago and who are proof GA works as they are gamble free. I have the option to gamble today if I want but have chosen not to and I am 21 days off a bet and I am already looking forward to my next meeting next Monday.

One day at a time.

Darren
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#7
Hi Darren,
Well done for getting back and I'm glad you've found some hope in GA...although i accept its not always easy...
Rarely is for an addict...

Keep posting and sharing with others...
maybe you could reply to a few other people's posts too??

Smartie xx
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#8
28 days GF now and attended my GA meeting again last night and already looking forward to next Monday.

"It's good to talk" and take it one day at a time.

Cheers
Darren
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#9
Hi Gaynor186

Many thanks for your response on my post, as you say it's a program of life.......for life and to be taken one day at a time. As you also have said those that love you never stop loving you as my wife has told me but she is very hurt and angry at me for doing it all to her for the 3rd time. Your right I have to focus on myself and do all this for myself and can only hope my wife finds it in herself to forgive me for what I've done and for us to try and work things out. Going to meetings, reading forums and most importantly talking to people are helping at this moment in time and am currently on day 39 GF. 

"It's good to talk and take it one day at a time"

All the Best
Darren
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