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The wasted 10 years of a moron

December 2017 ( I realise it’s now August 2018)... this is a long thread so if you’re looking for an early night stop now!

Sitting in a room in my parents house crying as I’ve just gambled away my last cash from my account, 32, no car, no partner, no place of my own... fortunately a half decent job which could be gone if I keep falling!

Oweing £xk to payday loans, £xk in bank loans, £xk in credit cards & £xk in overdraft.... all maxed!.. I owe £xxxx more than my pay cheque to instalments.

... however this addiction started many years ago, being 14 or so and going to the pub with my dad whether it was for pool/snooker/darts teams... he would always play the fruit machines, stop at the bookies when we were out to place a horse/football bet but what I didn’t realise was this was corrupting my brain and giving a simple boy a up hill battle into man hood (still not there)

In my teens I would always have GF’s, always be out in bars clubs, lots of friends very sociable but as time passed and my addiction grew this all happebed.

I’d also like to add on the above I do not blame anyone else for my addiction/issues I am fully aware this is all on me, I’m 30 something and responsible for my own actions.

It’s now 2 day’s before Christmas I haven’t gambled for a couple of weeks (I have no money so not really an accomplishment), I have written letters to all my loan & PD loan debtors setting up arrangement plans to pay them off.In 5 months all of my PD loans can be gone, within 7 my credit cards can be gone too!

Fast forward to the present, I dig myself out of a hole and for 2/3 months kept gambling to a minimum..,now I look back due to me paying my debts before I could gamble with the money.

From May my gambling took back control (although my debts were about half of what I had in December), I was borrowing money from family members (still living at home), until eventually In July my parents snapped.

Are you on drugs, is someone taking your money from you, do you have a drink problem... do you have a gambling problem.., all of which I said no to.. I did say that I’ve got issues with spending too much money.

A couple of days later after the dust had settled my parents said go through your debts with us, we’ll help and clear your debts & get you back to 0.

Now although I’m a degenerate gambler I didn’t want my parents money but I agreed on the deal that I pay them X back each month. Big point here I’ve still not told them about my addiction.

I was then briefly happy I opened up to my over draft debt & my credit card debt, but I could not tell them about payday loans I couldn’t deal with the disappointment, but my loans & payday loan debt was a combined £xxxx, I could have that gone in 3 months possibly 2!

However the cash my dad gave came into my account and I decided to just gamble £xxx... what was that gonna hurt ... fast forward 4 hours the lot is gone gambled away, I’ve finally woken up to the entirety of my addiction! Like the idiot I am!.

I spent a week probably longer in disbelief about what I’ve done, suicidal
Thoughts hating myself,..I then found GA.

Now at the current day.

I am getting my house in order the idiot I am I’ve found my addiction is driven by online, slots,tables the games morons play thinking they can win.

I have downloaded K9, this is my first attempt and unlike back in December my proper wake up call I will not be gambling online again.

I have no addiction in the ‘real life’ but I have now signed up for an online bank which only gives you a ‘cash card’ (no credit facility’. When I finally have cash again I will load cash onto here and also take a sum in notes out with me leaving my bank card at home and not giving me access to my bank account putting a block in place.

I am/have come to arrangements plans with my PD loans, which will see them all paid off by the 25th of October, my bank loan has 3 monthly payments left (I opened this 3 years ago gambled the lot of course!), I have moved my credit card payment dates to the end of each month, I would currently pay the cards minimum after the due date and get hit with fees and be sent letters.

Although I haven’t been there paid since chucking away the money my parents gave me almost 3 weeks ago I feel so much stronger than I ever have!, I want to sort my life out and get back on track!, my view is although my parents now believe i I’m debt free and it would really hurt them if they find out what I’ve done with that money they gave, but this money has bought something else my realisation to my addiction a strong kick up the arse! and I’m hoping it’s bought me my life back by helping myself, I now admit I’m a gambler but now I’m a recovering gambler!

So August will be the real struggle I am currently mapping all my debts out and monthly commitments into a spread sheet, fortunately this months pay check will be £xxxx, at the moment I have £xxxx going to my debts and minimums to my credit cards, this doesn’t include the small amount of rent I pay & the monthly money back to my Dad, which would leave me on 0, I also have a weekend away with the guys which I cannot pull out of but everything I’ve paid for apart from beer money!

So tonight I will be looking to bring this down abit more (setting up more agreement plans) to give myself £xxx/£xxx for the month, yes this months tight but September is planned at £xxxx out to my debts leaving £xxx for me.

Outside of this 3 weeks ago I’ve decided to look for another job, I earn half decent money but the job is boring (to me) I can’t move on at the company I’m with I can even earn a little more (heavens forbid pay more debt off) and work in a company that is far more social were I could find a GF not think about gambling and finally live again!, as mentioned earlier I’m very sociable, I hide my addiction well, but it’s the bolder that stops me moving on with my life.

(Week later)

Well last week I got a call to interview at a major UK retailer based in London, with salary/savings schemes & pensions better to what I’ve got now, I done the first interview 2 days ago and passed!.. I have 1 stage left which will be next week.

If I stick to my financial plan I will also be in a position to move out in 3/4 months time, but for now not gambling paying back debt is my priority!... seeing friends I’ve neglected too!... one day at a time

I know that I have silly debts due to my addiction to gambling, what I spend a month outside of gambling isn’t much (should spend abit more on clothes socialising), if I conquer my addiction I can easily conquer my debt’s, if I can do that I can move out, if I can do all that I can show my family I can look after myself

This for now leaves me with 1 big issue, my family believe me to be debt free, I’ve decided (possibly selfishly) I don’t want to tell them yet, I’ve almost finished setting up my ‘financial plan’ and in 5/6 months I’d want to sit down with my parents and tell them really what I’ve been doing and what I done with their money they worked hard for and gave me to waste, but also show them I’m recovering and hopefully show them how little my debts are (will hopefully be then), I can get caught out here I could get a letter which one of them open, if this happens I’ve wrote a speech explaining what I’ve done and demonstrating what I’ve setup... I know advice would be to tell them now before this could happen but I won’t not yet.

I’d like to now apologise for my spelling/grammar this was wrote up using my phone.

Thanks also to the members in the chat rooms who have listened.

My small step test is getting to payday (10 days to go), then it’s not gambling the money usually when I get paid I stay up to midnight to gamble some of it.... this is now a thing of the past, so my second test is going to bed and not staying up the night before payday!

I will also come up with budgeting my funds each month but for August to September this will be hard as my disposable money will be so small!, but from September I will be budgeting. 

I will be updating this after my payday and hopefully reporting back that I didn’t gamble up to payday, I didn’t stay up the night before & hopefully on payday all my planned debts got paid!

..... I have to admit I’m scared what will happen when I get paid if I can stay off gambling ... I truly believe I can!

Thanks for listening 

Hi Lost,

Thank you for sharing, you may notice that the figures have been removed, this is one of the rules, but I understand the need to get them off your chest.  I too was owing more to credit cards and loans than I was earning when I stopped gambling.  Please don't be hard on yourself, addiction is an illness and the longer you are in recovery, you will come to learn this for yourself.  You're not a moron, although I understand why you feel that way, I too thought the same for a long time.  One thing that has really helped alot in recovery is to be totally honest with your loved ones.  I know the feeling of guilt and shame very well, but without letting my parents and my wife know the true extend to my problem, it left the door open for me to gamble again.  Please get to a GA meeting, I had many times of clearing debts etc throughout my gambling life, and I kept going back to it time and time again, like I was more comfortable up to my eyeballs in debt.  I ended up with more than 2 times my salary in debts, with no assets, and it will take me another 8 years to be debt free.  Take this opportunity to get into recovery, going to regular meetings to help you stay off.  You can then help others with your experience.  I get so much out of helping others, it helps me keep my side of the street clean.  

Wishing you well, keep us updated on your progress.

One day at a time.  My last bet was 15/03/2016 and I hope and pray each day that it stays that way.

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