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My Journey begins
#1
On Saturday 4th August I gambled again. I lost quite a bit of money and I finally came clean to my husband who was extremely supportive.
We sat together and searched for help available and we found some key information then I have pursued since. That day I permanently closed all online accounts.
 
Last Thursday 9th August was my best friend 60th birthday. We went for afternoon tea and on the way home I confided in her. She was amazing and said she too would help. We went back to her house and she and her husband sat and listened to my story. I told them I was not looking for anyone to come along and fix everything ( I said this as I could see in their eyes they were thinking of how to fix)  I explained I just needed support, someone to hear me when I need to voice.
 
Saturday 11th August *one week free of gambling* they took my husband and I out for a meal. We had a lovely evening and at the end they said they wanted to talk to us at home. GULP
 
They knew I had taken out payday loans as I told them this when I confided in them. They understood I had a fairly steady job and I could repay but they were concerned the level of interest I was incurring daily. As I had reported to them via text every day *another day free of gambling* they wanted to encourage me to continue so they had spoken to my husband without my knowledge and they would be clearing the loans for me. I was to pay them back monthly. I cried for four hours !
 
On Monday 13th August in the evening *9 days free from gambling* they came to my house and one by one we rang the loan companies and paid off the loans. We also told the loan companies to add me to the DNL ( Do not lend ) list.
 
The pain I felt during this activity, in my head, in my heart and in my stomach was unbelievable painful. Embarrassment, shame, guilt, anger, disappointment, fear were consuming me. I did not want to seem ungrateful so I tried so hard to keep my emotions at bay, thanking them every step of the way. Even when I got the “talk” about do not do this again, this is a mugs game, you will never win, you are smarter than this. I continued to be grateful and agreed at all the right places.
 
Once completed they went home and I went to the bathroom and was ill. My husband tried to talk to me but the pain I was feeling was just too much and I wanted to just forget it for a while. I went to bed and I cried myself to sleep.
 
Tuesday 14th August *10 days free from gambling* As normal went to work and for the first time in a long time was sat there excited about the future. My colleague ( who also knows and supports me ) talked to me about holidays in the future, and exciting things ahead. I actually felt my head lift a little. The shame and guilt still sit heavy with me, but I know even thinking about gambling now makes me feel sick and this at the moment helps me to repeat *today I will not gamble*
 
So a tricky few weeks for me, but for the first time in years I can see the future and it looks quite bright.
The only real problem are the dreams/nightmares. I wake up because I have won on a slot or a jackpot on bingo. I wake up euphroic then when I realise it is a dream/nightmare I dispair. To combat these I go for a drink of water and return to my bed trying to think of other things like lying on a beach etc.

Any one else have these?
 
Today is Wednesday 15th August 2018 and I am 11 days free from gambling.

Today I will not gamble
 
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#2
Hi Whoodi,

Welcome to the forum, and thank you for sharing. Coming clean to loved ones can be a very hard thing to do, but once done and honesty remains part of day to day life, the shame, guilt, embarrassment etc lifts. It's great that you have support, but financial support isn't going to stop the addiction on its own. I've had many bailouts, and still gone back to gambling and done it all over again. This is certainly not to scare you, but I'm sharing my experience, and hope that you will not follow my mistakes. Going to GA meetings and working the recovery program provides a range of tools to use when the urge of gambling comes.

Keep posting, please consider going to meetings.

Just for today I will not gamble, one day at a time.

Simmo
One day at a time.  My last bet was 15/03/2016 and I hope and pray each day that it stays that way.
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#3
(20-08-2018, 08:30 PM)Simmo Wrote: Thank you Simmo.

I have remained strong. 20 days gamble free.

I have blocked all sites. Blocked access to money and if I think about gambing I get up and go do something else.

I understand the pitfalls and keep telling myself...today I will not gamble. Those "days" soon add up Smile

I remain positive and looking forward to the future xxxxx
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