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New member here.
#1
Hi everyone, 

New member to the forum here and was just hoping to share my situation and story with you all. 
I understand we are all in "the same boat" so to speak and we have one thing in common, that gambling has certainly had an impact on our lives. 
Like most gambling addicts, for the longest time i was in denial, i believed i was a "casual" gambler and justified this because i assumed to be an addict, i would need to think about it constantly, day and night, which has never been the case, but i discovered I was also very wrong.

Im a 39 year old professional, over the last decade my gambling has caused relationships to end, friendships lost and family distance. 

I would honestly say that the majority of the time, I functioned normally, lived my life, had money and gambling would not enter my head, but on the caissons it did, it was devastating, even if i had a "big win", ultimately I would end up with nothing.

Over the last 10 years girlfriends have come and gone, mainly due to money troubles, stress and arguments all due to my gambling, to be honest, in the majority of cases i would self sabotage these relationships, through guilt or the belief that i simply was a burden to them.

About 3 years ago i met my now wife. Straight off the bat i came clean, told her all about my gambling, the effects it had and offered full disclosure, something i have never done in the past. I thought I had solved the issue, open honesty, and my salary getting paid straight into an account which i had no access to. Life was great and gambling was in my rear view mirror.

Ofcourse I STILL had access via online banking, and could easily transfer some funds into my online gambling accounts prior to transferring my pay into our other account. I would say at first this was relatively small amounts.  But then this month, it all came to a horrible climax. 

After our wedding last year, we had saved all of our cash gifts, in one of these hand made piggy bank pots at home. we were gifted just short of £xxxx from various family and friends, and each month we would add funds to it, this was to save for our first anniversary holiday later this month.

My salary was paid into my bank at the start of this month and for whatever reason, I started to gamble, "just a little". Before long i was a few hundred pounds down and had to "make it back" , ofcourse this would never happen! Because even if i did recoup my losses, it wouldnt have stopped there and I simply would have kept going.

Soon, that morning, i had spent ALL of my monthly salary on an online site. Feeling sick, and not knowing how i could ever explain what or why i did this, I thought the only option was to take what i had lost, from our wedding savings , put that in our account, then convince my wife that maybe we shouldn't touch our savings for our holidays as we didnt need to.

but ofcourse, i have a gambling problem and numb from the mornings events, it was never going to work.

I removed all of our savings, and headed for the bank. this was the plan, it will work.

There is a bookmakers 2 doors down from the bank. I could have one more shot at making it all back and life would be good again. I lost everything.

Feeling sick, devastated and lost. I finally had to tell my wife everything.

Thankfully, after a long talk and alot of tears, (we have always been quite rational and talk things out) . We were ok in that my marriage was not at risk. That feeling of devastation and emptiness is still with me now, 3 weeks on.

I have to say, the devastated horrible empty feeling wasn't because I lost our money, it was because i felt like I had let her down and myself also.  Whether I gamble £x or £xxxxx its STILL gambling. 

Someone a long time ago once said to me "You do realise you only gamble to lose right?" I find this to be very true.

I look forward to conversing, sharing and reading with you all on this journey i hope we can all take together.

Thanks for reading.
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#2
Hi Daledoback,
Welcome to the forum. Your experience will resonate with many on here. If you'd won back your losses, it would have represented a temporary reprieve, like me you'd have returned to the "escape zone" from gambling. I was/am a functioning addict who celebrates day 113 gamble free today. The addiction we share makes us secretive, deceitful and dishonest. Well done for accepting that you have a problem, confessing to those close to you is never easy....you have challenged your addiction and now I would suggest finding a GA meeting close to you and attending, there you will find the support and fellowship of people who can relate to your problems.
Good luck to you and yours.
JFT.
Micky
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