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Breaking Pattern
#91
It was a new milestone in terms of, I have quit things before for 60 days. I have never quit anything consciously for 66 days and apparently that is one of the benchmarks for breaking a habit. Some people say 21, some 66, some 90, etc..

I don't know how to test these things until I do them

Emotionally I am ok today but have been very bad as well

I have seen some sports results that validated not gambling on them which helped

I have also done a thing whereby, if I want to put a small bet on something, I instead put the same amount on myself

E.g. if I want to bet on a football game, I instead buy new football studs for my old boots

I don't know if this counts as gambling. Technically not as I am not placing a bet.

I am basically trying to replace the habit and discourage

Day 67

I did try to get some counselling for emotional issues. There was a mix up in details and the person wasn't available at the time scheduled. In the past I would have accepted another appointment and got frustrated. Today I kind of think it wasn't meant to be.

I have my reasons based on past experiences of going through places for counselling. Like, if there are issues at the start, it is not worth the strain of bending over backwards to turn up to please them first.

I know this from first hand experiences of multiple counselors.
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#92
Day 68
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#93
Day 69

Regarding emotional issues

I feel most counsel I go to just encourages me to go through the pain

But I tend to go because the pain is unbearable and I want to change it

I feel that doctors and therapists don't help me and that job services and people just want to pass me there

No one really cares
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#94
Day 70

Considering spending big money on myself

Feels unsafe even though I have gambled more on other people
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#95
Day 70

Why does it feel uncertain to spend and invest in myself?

Past failures, family negativity, restrictions

Not feeling or being good enough
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#96
A question that many with other types of illness ask Furious... I know i certainly did....

Why going to counselling can help....help me feel, be honest, share...and not feel so alone...

Recovery tends to be a jigsaw of tools i've learnt...

Smartie xx
Meetings help, but meetings are only a small part to how GA works....

GA is a 12 step organisation that offers the program that keeps me in recovery...

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#97
Day 71

19 Days Left

Recently I have given into the idea of eating comfort food for myself after stressful challenges

I am skinny and don't eat enough so it is probably a healthy balance

I am unsure if it is related to the no gambling or not but I do feel better, for example, spending a £** on a Chinese meal after a difficult life task rather than not doing any difficult life task and spending a £** on a bet to try and get another £**.

I don't know if that makes sense but yeah

Subconsciously done some relaxing hypnosis and stretching as well as food for the sympathetic nervous system

And I feel that, perhaps, eating, and allowing myself to be a man, and other therapeutic techniques for trauma that personally work for me do add up occasionally

I feel the buying something for myself instead of betting technique worked well

I used it twice and don't feel the need to gamble

However, I do still wonder about money management beyond a £**

This is the main reason I wanted to quit gambling, as I was losing too much money beyond a reasonable bankroll because of emotional highs and lows

So when it comes to eating to replace gambling, I think I am relatively safe

But for bigger items I still have issues with working out what is worth "risking" on myself

Food is a "safe bet" for now, so to speak.

As in, if I spent a £** on food every time I wanted to gamble, it would actually help me out in gaining healthy weight.

Beyond that, I am not sure. Like, if I get an urge for a massive bet, is it equally wise to have a massive bet on myself.

It's not that crazy. A lot of the time after big losses my main thought is shit, I should have bought a car, or a laptop, or gone on holiday, and so on.

And then there are times when I don't do those things that I regret.

But still actually doing those things doesn't feel earned to me, even if I need them, and it makes sense.

I guess I still worry about income and outgoings, even if I gamble on myself

But there is a breakthrough there to report

Like, I value a meal over a bet now

This probably has a lot to do with childhood emotional neglect

Returning more to the spirit of my father after forgiving him
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#98
Completed day 71
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#99
Day 72

Hard to know if pschologists and services are just passing me off again or genuinely advising the best

Like I don't feel good in my living circumstances but no one can help me escape to better
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Day 73

I sense I gambled to escape reality

I don't really blame myself for it as my reality was horrific and no one understood

They still don't, I am just looking back
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