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Breaking Pattern
Saturday 5th Jan 2019

Day 27
Day 28
Had thought about what to do during the day
I used to play poker which is why I came here to post
I don't consider poker gambling but it does involve gambling and is a gateway so I can't do it
I guess I mean to say that poker does not require gambling, however encourages it
Anyway had a random thought of tennis
I think partly because of self-care and it being something someone of self-care does in my experience
But yeah
Part of me feels
I accidentally broke through the illusion of life
Struggling with feelings of not good enough, low energy, boredom, and don't know what to do with my day
Like what my main activity could be on a daily basis
Poker came to mind
So posting instead
Well done for posting here instead. The illusion that poker isn't gambling is a dangerous one, but I also recognise the thought, that I didn't have a problem playing poker exactly but it always 100% led me to playing other casino games with disastrous outcomes.

In Unity

One day at a time.  My last bet was 15/03/2016 and I hope and pray each day that it stays that way.
Yeah it amazes me what some gamblers consider gambling and others don't. Even the types of gambling that are nailed on gambling can be disputed.

Welll done for posting like Simmo says and keep making honest/ reflective choices.

Smartie xx
Meetings help, but meetings are only a small part to how GA works....

GA is a 12 step organisation that offers the program that keeps me in recovery...

Yes poker to me would lead to roulette, which would lead to sports betting, which would give me an illusion of control and thinking I was picking the best side.

Day 29. Well rested. Good exercise. Now tired.

Similar issue of not knowing what to do with the day ahead but less energy to do anything anyway.

Something consistent. Playing music professionally was an idea.

Also just gaming. Less productive but less stressful.

I have some ideas. I just aim to keep up self-care for now. I have done two days of sleep, exercise, and eating, which is rare for myself.

Trying to schedule in a day in-between basic self care tasks.

May take a while.
Day 30

Tired, dunno what to do
Day 31

Not eating or sleeping regularly

The damn root cause of the mental problem

Something caused me to be insecure


No way to resolve
Day 31

I am thinking about the last big gamble. How it happened when I was feeling high. How it was a wise investment in an underdog. How the only thing that was unwise about it, well, there were a few things really. Number one, I didn't have the money income wise if I lost. Number two, I didn't factor in the judges etc.

To be honest I notice my gambling and self destruction revolves around my sister and her job and career. It is like I was trying to emulate or do better in business and struggled.

Lack of compassion and understanding from my family.

Ruin my own business. Not good enough to keep up. Not respected enough. Feel like a piece of manure.
Really struggling on day 31 in terms of not doing enough self-care tasks. I feel ok, but I would rather feel okay and get stuff done. Getting stuff done makes me feel not okay. But then I also feel bad. I don't know. I am doing what is comfortable.
Day 32

I am having realisations about addiction. As in, I think it is okay to be addicted. What I mean by that is I am stopping one addiction. But I still have a lot that go on. And in general I have no way to replace the coping mechanism.

Like, until I can find a way to be great on a daily basis for a long time period, then maybe it is time to address more addiction. What I am feeling is abstaining doesn't solve my problems.

It can make them worse without a release.

I find that, for example, if I don't gamble for 90 days, that is great. But it is also a restriction.

Like a governor on my brain.

And so this restrains me from being great elsewhere. Like taking a risk as a property entrepreneur.

This may not be true but feels that way.

What is true is my experience. My experience is pressure building in my head. Being great is a lonely place. Having no addictive release drives me insane.

I am in a lot of pain.

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