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Breaking Pattern
#41
I can relate Furious to many of your reflections...

this illness can be extremely progressive and abstinence rarely makes it go away especially as a person becomes more ill...

That's one reason why GA offers the program of recovery....and its this combined with counselling, blockers and many other tools that can help.

finally thought on your desire to feel 'great on a daily basis'....Its a tough illness, it can be a tough life and sometimes i've learnt it can be a start to feel ok. Least if i'm feeling ok i can start to reflect more clearly.

Anyway keep sharing...

Smartie xx
Meetings help, but meetings are only a small part to how GA works....

GA is a 12 step organisation that offers the program that keeps me in recovery...

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#42
Day 34
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#43
Day 35

Today I completed reasonable self-care tasks for a depressed person

However, I am still unhappy hours after with nothing to do on schedule

Not that I want more tasks to do

But I want to have the feeling that I can do more

What if I could do more and feel better

My last big gambling loss came after a big task completion and feeling better

I was in a relatively clear state of mind doing it

Albeit a slight manic high

I reasoned doing it

Then realised, even if I win, I am in trouble

I didn't win. I wish I did. The damage is there.

However it was there even with a win

Even with a win I knew I was in pain and needed help out

I remember thinking to myself

If I win this

I need to tell my sister things are bad

Because I lost it

I never did
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#44
Day 35

Thinking about a result today that I normally made money on. Also having thoughts about how can I go back and fix my last big bet that lost.
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#45
Love the honesty Furious....

As i get reminded often there's a big difference between wanting to stop and taking the steps to make that happen....

Keep reflecting....

Keep posting...

Smartie
Meetings help, but meetings are only a small part to how GA works....

GA is a 12 step organisation that offers the program that keeps me in recovery...

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#46
Day 36

I'm feeling strange today. Thoughts of wanting to get to the 66 day mark. Reason being I haven't stopped anything for that long. I wonder if the habit theories are true.

I suspect they are not. But still the only way I can test is try. So that is 30 days away which feels a long time away as it feels a long time since I started.

I put on some music that reminded me of the first time I played online poker. I liked the novelty of the game and the escapasm of dream and fantasy.
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#47
Furious

I still get thoughts on sporting events on which I used to win money on even today after 14 months not gambling, but I have to constantly remind myself of the pain and misery gambling caused me for 16 years. And once I go back into the bookies pocket, I will never get out of it a winner. The problem I had for many years was I had an illusion that I could be a professional gamble and live the life of luxury, with big houses and fast cars.

My gambling memory only reminds me of the good times and wins, never the loses and depression. This is one of the reasons why I go to a meeting weekly to see the new members turning up with the same sorry look on their faces and shares of how gambling is destroying their life, like I had when I first come through the doors of GA. I must never lose sight of why I am in the room in the first place.

I am really enjoying reading your journey, I admire your honesty.

All the best
My name is Martin, I am a compulsive gambler, my last bet was 29.9.2017. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things that I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
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#48
Day 37

I'm starting to think of gambling in other ways. Like people would always say to me why don't you bet on yourself or invest in yourself.

I have mental blocks here.
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#49
Day 38

I get infuriated by people asking if I have tried x or y

I've never gone anywhere and not exhausted better resources first

Generally I am at where I am at as a last resort

The time for advising me was never

I never look for direction

I only seek peace

Murphy's law makes that a war
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#50
Day 39

I miss feelings from my childhood. Novelty escapism. Poker a part of that. Trance music.

Emotional enmeshment in gambling. I could not lose for a year and lose it all in one second.

It's an adolescent state of mind. I like it and still crave it.

Sometimes I get the same feeling with regards to business risk.

Gambling is a risk. I am willing to say I risked on my last big bet and I lost. I risked with business venture too.

The risk and open minded fantasy.

That was strongly alive in me in teenage years.

Probably the feeling I want when I gamble big.
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