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Recovery is all about healthy healing I am a non religious person.
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I am a non religious person.
The recovery program works like mountain climbers tied together with ropes who find safe and secure ways of learning and finding new skills in living a healthier life today.
The recovery program helped me understand that I could not do it on my own, to become healthy I needed to listen learn and relate from to and from other like minded goal seeking people, to see and feel myself in other people and their experiences both healthy and unhealthy. 
Today I have more balance in my life which helped me move from obsessive to being even more even balanced balanced in my life in my needs wants and my goals today. 
The recovery program helped me understand that my addictions and obsessions were a form of self abuse and also a form of neglect.
That my addictions and my obsessions were a form of escape and ways of deviating dealing with people life and situations.
The fears that made me feel vulnerable that I identified were my fear of rejection and my fear of abandonment, fear of failure, fear of humiliation, fear of being honest, fear of I had fear of commitment, fear of intimidation aggression and confrontation, fear of accepting a compliment, fear of success, fear of of being myself, fear of emotional intimacy, fear of trusting people, fear of being shown up.
Of my emotional triggers frustrations were the hardest to over come, my frustrations were due to my unreasonable expectations of life people and situations when they they do not go my way I use to internalize things.
Is showing my gratitude and appreciation is an expression of my healthy values today.
Is showing my gratitude and appreciation an expression of how much people mean to me today.
Or do I think today that I can still heal more of my vulnerability today.
Rewarding my self and complimenting our self was a healthy habit I needed to learn for myself.
The gambling was about escape and my emotional triggers.
Today I am healthier, today I do not need to escape to unhealthy habits.
The wording I use to use were, I have to, that implied that I was obsessive in my thinking.
Today I understand I have needs, I have wants, and I have goals which are healthy.
In the recovery program I would learn to be more and more emotionally detached from all addictions and obsessions for me in being spiritually healthy.
The gambling establishments never made me do any thing I did not want to do.
The gambling establishments never lied to my family, I did.
The gambling establishments never made me steal, I did.
The gambling establishments were places I went to escape when I was emotional vulnerable and could not cope with people life and situations.
Long before my addictions and my obsessions I was risk taking, I was avoiding, I was not being honest and open.
A time came when I decided to become selfish in my recovery and my healing, to put as much effort in to my recovery as I put in to my addictions and obsessions. 
I had unfortunately got in to the unhealthy habit of burying and suppressing my feelings and my emotions.
Over time as I peeled back the onion and exposed more of myself the tears would flow and the healing process would start.
Our conscience is based up on healthy spiritual values, sadly when we go against our own conscience we cause our self pains.
People will often deeply fear step four, step four is about understanding what is healthy or unhealthy and recognizing it over time, the change with in us will take time, but in taking recovery seriously our unhealthy habits will change in to healthy habits.
Every painful event and trauma in my life had consequences on me and my development, I suffered emotional abuse, I suffered physical abuse, I suffered sexual abuse, I suffered neglect and abandonment, I suffered humiliation and put down, I suffered all kind of bullying and manipulations.
Was I a victim in my life, yes for sure, was I a perpetrator in my life, yes for sure, was I a rescuer in my life yes for sure, for me today all of these are very unhealthy habits.
Why was it that I was always picked on and by who, the reason I was picked on was because I was very emotionally vulnerable, the people who picked on me were in fact victims them selves who never healed from the pains of their past.
The consequences of having suffered so many pains in my life was a build up of fears that I did not understand or recognize, also I was going to build high walls of fear around me to protect that hurt little child, sadly those high walls of fear around me were going to stop me getting out and having healthy intimate relationships with other people.
What is love, people will often say that they love gambling they love money cars houses etc.
Today for me love is about having healthy intimate interactive relationships with people and living creatures, love is about having a healthy relationship with my self, love is about giving of myself unconditionally, no expectations what so ever, love is about being content with the person I am today, able to love other people unconditionally who ever they are and to not change them.
It was very important for me to put much more time and effort in to my recovery than I put in to addictions and obsessions 
The addictions and obsessions were a form of escaping in my fears, the addictions and obsessions were a symptom that I was emotionally vulnerable.
The addictions and obsessions were a form of self abuse, going with out my needs my wants and not having any goals in my life.
It can be argued that we feel that we are not worthy of any thing, that we cheat our self from treating our self nicely.
My default reaction was is guilt and shame and feeling unworthy of good things.
I will save it for best, it is to expensive.
I could not compliment myself, I could not validate myself.
Because of the large number of pains occurred in my life fears grew with in me I did not understand or even recognize
Sadly the very same walls of fears built to protect me caused me to fear emotional intimacy, it took a long time to open up my heart and my mind to healthy interactions with like minded healthy spiritual goal setting people. 
A time came when I decided to become selfish, to put as much effort in to my recovery as I put in to my addictions and obsessions. 
The recovery program is all about healing for me, healing from the pains of self abuse but more importantly healing the hurt little child in me.
I had unfortunately got in to the unhealthy habit of burying and suppressing my feelings and my emotions.
Over time as I peeled back the onion and exposed more of myself the tears would flow and the healing process would start.
People will often deeply fear step four, step four is about understanding what is healthy or unhealthy and recognizing it over time, the change with in us will take time, but in taking recovery seriously our unhealthy habits will change in to healthy habits.
Every painful event and trauma in my life had consequences on me and my development, I suffered emotional abuse, I suffered physical abuse, I suffered sexual abuse, I suffered neglect and abandonment, I suffered humiliation and put down, I suffered all kind of bullying and manipulations.
Today for me love is about having healthy intimate interactive relationships with people and living creatures, love is about having a healthy relationship with my self, love is about giving of myself unconditionally, no expectations what so ever, love is about being content with the person I am able to love who ever they are and to not change them.
I use to say to myself that I wanted to be normal, in recovery I would find out that the reference of normal people is not very healthy, so in my recover I wanted to be healthier than the reference used as a normal person. the recovery program I would embrace healthy spiritual values yet I am not a religious person. 
The consequences of my painful life was I unable retain and understand healthy education and was unable to grow emotionally so that my emotional age and my physical age did not match. 
As I face each fear and my fears reduce my trust grows slowly and my ability to interact in healthy ways grows. 
I had as a teenager tried to take my own life and woke up the next morning feeling even more of a complete failure. This painful period was very much suppressed and buried for the earlier part of my adult life. Once the time of my suicide was unveiled it was a very healthy healing process. 
By being in the recovery program we heal from the pains of our past the pains of the past become our strength today. 
I understand today that by going to the recovery program and sticking with it, I am not only a survivor but more importantly I value myself more than ever before. I set boundaries for myself and my well being, by set boundaries for myself I am no longer the victim and I value myself. 
Today I no longer fear emotional intimacy. 
Today I willing to over come procrastination and avoid justifications which for me are not healthy
I use to be a very vulnerable volatile person, I was so unstable my family use to fear me and mistrust me.
Every promise was a waste of time, I could not believe in myself, low self esteem, inadequate insecure inept, sadly I was unable to love other people because I did not love myself, I was unable to respect other people because I did not respect myself. 
My emotional triggers were my pains not healed. My emotional triggers were my fears not faced. 
My emotional triggers were my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations. By me having unreasonable expectations of people life and situations I was effect causing myself pains time and time again. 
My emotional triggers were my feelings of loneliness due to my fears of emotional intimacy. My emotional triggers were my feelings of being bored. I can be honest today with out being cruel or adversely affecting other people. I can embrace change towards healthy habits today. 
My unhealthy reactions to people life and situations indicated that my hurt inner child was not healed. 
My unhealthy reactions in anger, resentments, impatience intolerance, jealous, envy, rage, lack of trust, guilt shame regret remorse penance person pleasing vengeance mistrust self worth low self esteem indicate that I am not fully healthy and not at serenity with myself today. 
In time I would open up in the recovery program, I would open up to counseling talking about every conscious memory of my past. 
The recovery program helped me set up boundaries for myself.
Just for today I will not be unhealthy, that changes to just for today I will be healthy. 
What is happiness, for me happiness is being content with who I am today, who I am with today, where I am and what I have today. 
Money was never going to buy me happiness. 
Money was never going to heal my hurt inner child. My control issues were fear based. 
My impatience intolerance was an indicator that I was hard and cruel on myself. Was I a victim in my life, yes for sure. That changes when I am able to speak up for myself from a place of peace.
My conscience is based up on spiritual values, yet I am a non religious person today. 
I use to say that I wanted justice, sadly that was not true, I was wanting vengeance to transfer my pains fears and frustrations on to other people.
The addictions and obsessions were just the symptoms that I was a very unhealthy emotionally vulnerable person. 
Do I escape in any other way today. 
For me the recovery program is not about who is right or wrong, is not about who is good or bad, it is for me about myself becoming a healthier person emotionally, becoming a healthier person who respects all spiritual values, non religious of course. 
I am not able to respect other people until I am able to respect myself, I am not able to love other people until I am able to love myself, I asked my wife Shirley what is love she told me it was giving of your self unconditionally. 
Before my recovery my actions and my words were conditional, once in my recovery I got to understand that having my unreasonable expectations I caused pains up on myself, only once I reduce my expectations and gave of myself unconditionally then I would stop hurting myself and causing myself further pains. 
Am I afraid to face myself in any way today, do I react in unhealthy ways today, or do I interact in healthy ways today. 
Am I a walker or a talker today. 
Do my healthy words today match my actions. 
Because of the anger conflict control and intimidation in my child hood I internalized how other people felt, almost like I was responsible for how they were feeling, just because I gave up gambling did not stop me internalizing other people emotional baggage.
I did karate for two only to understand that I enjoyed the physical fighting, what I had big issues with were aggression and confrontation, yet often I was the instigator of aggression and confrontation, did I learn bully habits from my parents.
Today I understand that my control issues were very much fear based issues.
Money was never going to make me feel successful in myself, money just gave me more choices of things to buy or places to go, before my recovery I use to take my own worst enemy with me. Myself.
The recovery program was going to help me help myself become more healthier and more productive.
The recovery program was not going to stop me gambling that had to be my own daily choice.
The recovery program was going to help me exchange unhealthy habits in to healthy habits.
By going to meetings I would relate to other peoples therapies.
By attending the recovery program in time I would start to feel and heal.
In other peoples therapies I would learn how to cope with people life and situations in a much healthier way.
The recovery program helped me understand what my emotional triggers were.
The recovery program helped me learn how to interact with people rather than react in unhealthy ways.
My emotional triggers were my pains not healed, my fears not faced, my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations, my loneliness due to my fears of emotional intimacy, my feelings of boredom because I felt that life was boring, that I could succeed, that I avoided facing being accountable and I avoided facing challenges in my life.
My unhealthy reaction in my anger was due to my pains not healed, my fears not faced, my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations, I use to think that being angry was healthy, not today being angry is not healthy in any way for me today.
My unhealthy reaction in my anger caused further aggression and confrontation, my anger caused people to fear me.
I want every one to be free of all fears towards me today.
As our fears fade our trust grows, once we heal that hurt inner child our inner child comes out to play. 
As our fears fade when we no longer fear rejection or abandonment, we no longer fear failure, we no longer fear being our self.
The more I escaped indicated how much fear was inhibiting me from having a healthy intimate life with myself and with other people.
My addiction and obsessions was a form of escape from people life and situations when I was emotionally vulnerable.
Being accountable to myself helped me be more honest with other people.
Each time I went to Gamble I was hurting myself and causing myself more and more pain and emotional trauma.
By abstaining from my addictions reduced the pains I was causing myself.
By abstaining from one addiction did not stop me trying to escape in other ways to another addiction or obsessions.
I want to be free of all fears today.
I want to be able to trust myself once more.
Yet by attending meetings I would start to relate to other people, I would be able to articulate my feelings and my emotions, I would be able to see in myself both healthy and unhealthy habits.
In time I would heal the hurt inner child in me.
In time I would be able to live life with out fear and self doubt any more.
My conscience is spiritual based, and I am able to interact with people today in healthy ways rather than react in unhealthy ways today.
My unhealthy reactions in anger indicated to me that my hurt inner child was not healed.
The recovery program helped me heal in so many ways I did not think was possible.
Thank you every one for your sharing strength and your honesty.
In my recovery I would find out that that I was emotionally vulnerable and use to escape people life and situations.
Keeping with the recovery program was about coming out of myself and being able to articulate my feelings and emotions.
The recovery program helped me understand that my life was emotionally unmanageable long before my addictions and obsessions occurred.
My inability to share myself indicated that I had fears of emotional intimacy long before my addictions and obsessions.
Sadly when I walked in to the recovery program I did not know that I was burying and suppressing my feelings and emotions.
My anger was due to my pains not being healed.
My anger was due to my fears not being faced.
My anger was due to my frustrations because of my high expectations of people life and situations..
I had fears in me which were a consequence of unresolved and unhealed pains in my child hood.
The recovery program helped me help myself become healthy once more.
Once I put a lot of time and effort in to my recovery and handed over all of my finances and started to abstain my recovery was going to become much easier.
The money was just the fuel for my addiction.
I did not respect myself and I did not respect money.
I was unable to show appreciation and gratitude sincerely.
It was important for me to understand and learn each time I went back to gamble or another addiction what or an obsession what my emotional triggers were. 
The recovery program helped me understand that I was like a rat in a wheel going faster and faster getting no where healthy.
Every action has consequences, every healthy action has healthy consequences, every unhealthy action has unhealthy consequences.
The recovery program works for any one who is fully committed towards healthy living.
The recovery program helped me understand that abstaining from unhealthy habits was not a fight but in fact a complete surrender, the person I was fighting was myself, the person I feared facing the most was myself.
Only once I surrender completely and live one day at a time, just for today I will not gamble. It is a boundary I set for myself to no longer live in fear and escape.
I found out that time off my addictions did not mean that my inner child was healed.
Just for today I will not gamble. It is a boundary I set for myself to no longer live in fear and escape and to not hurt myself any more.
Before my recovery I could not admit to myself I had huge fears of emotional intimacy.
Before my recovery I could not admit to myself I was emotionally vulnerable.
Before my recovery I could not be honest and accountable to myself.
I was able to abstain from my addiction yet was not fully committed towards my recovery.
For me to abstain only and do nothing else than just go to work was white knuckling my recovery.
The recovery program was going to help me fill my life with healthy habits.
The prefect idea of recovery is to move from isolating myself to interacting with people and get out and about.
For me to exchange an unhealthy habit in to healthy habits.
By being more accountable to myself and honest with myself I was going to come out of my shell built of fears.
By writing down my needs, writing down my wants, and writing down my goals I was going to extend myself in so many ways.
At the recovery meetings I was going to expose more and more of myself through my therapies and to able to articulate my feelings and emotions in healthy ways.
criticism 
My fear of being honest would reduce, I would trust more, I would come out of myself even more.
The recovery program was going to help me heal my hurt inner child.
The addictions and obsessions were a form of escaping in my fears, the addictions and obsessions were a symptom that I was emotionally vulnerable.
One of my addictions was to drink, that was because I could not cope emotionally.
When I went to the addictions and obsessions were a way of me escaping in my fears from people life and situations I could not cope with emotionally.
Each time I went to gambling was a form of self abuse, working for days weeks months and giving all my money to a complete stranger.
Did I not value myself. Did I think I had no value.
I thought I needed to drink to over come my fears and be able to mix with other people.
The highs of my compulsive gambling were very heightened due to anticipation excitement the thought of risk taking fear and adrenaline.
Guilt is self inflicted pain due to the fact I went against my own conscience and against spiritual values.
I could not love other people until I loved myself.
I could not respect other people until I respected myself.
Sadly due to painful child hood trauma I built walls of fear to protect my hurt inner child.
Later in my life I would identify that that high wall built on fears was going to stop me having intimate relationships with other people.
The recovery program should not became an obsession yet working our recovery program helps us understand more about what is healthy or unhealthy.
By crossing off things we do as we do them helps us feel we are being accomplished in a healthy way by our actions and our words.
The recovery program is about healing and our recovery, for me it is non religious.
Sadly healing and my recovery could not occur if I was not admitting my pains and my fears to myself.
Just for today I will not Gamble is a healthy boundary that means I no longer want to hurt myself any more.
Just for today I will not Gamble and will not smoke means I am exchanging another unhealthy habit, yet just for today I will means my dedication towards being more productive today.
My wording I used I have to indicated that my thinking was obsessive, I then worked out what were my needs, what were my wants, what were my goals, and writing them down and making my lists made me more accountable to myself.
I also became more selfish about my recovery, not doing things resentfully or reluctantly, also doing things unconditionally, to do things and not expecting any thin in return, that reduced my frustrations and my disappointments.
For me counselling was the time when deep seated emotional trauma came to surface and I started to cry when exposing the pains of my past.
There was one memory that was very painful, it was of a time when I was abandoned and sent on a train to a place where emotional pain and physical pains were very regular.
During this time of exposing myself fully other suppressed memories came out and I so traumatized that it took me over 11 days to process every emotion and feeling that came out.
During this healing time I felt very sluggish, I felt very disconnected, but after the 11 days I was very much more aware and more alert and I had a much faster response time.
I often talk to my wife about dreams on first waking up and find it is helpful.
The healthy people in the recovery program would help me come out of myself, they would help me give therapies where I would expose more and more of myself.
People often ask me if I have not gambled in some time why go to meetings, the answer is that by mixing with like minded people who are seeking healthier lives we find out that we are being challenged in so many ways, our steel is being tested, things that use to make me respond in anger now make me laugh.
As we work on our recovery things will for sure happen that we once found were impossible to cope with, today are happening because our steel is being tested, our emotional vulnerability reduces, our emotional loneliness reduces and our fear of emotional intimacy reduces.
There were times in my life that I buried my pains and put on a facade to hide what was truly going on with in me.
Our subconscious reaction is a kind of honesty that makes us aware that not is well with in us and our inner child is still hurting.
Only by acknowledging this honest unhealthy subconscious reaction can we do some thing about it.
Also in my child hood I had needs wants that were not fulfilled, to be nurtured, to be shown affection and intimacy, to feel protected and also shown healthy ways in my life.
Sadly because of the fears aggression and confrontation of the adults in my child hood they were unable to have intimacy with me.
Because in comparison I would ask why is was that other children in out side families got shown so much affection so much intimacy, that it had some thing to do about me, that I was unlovable.
In my recovery I would understand that because adults in my child hood were unable to be nurturing affectionate and protective towards them self they were unable to be nurturing affectionate and protective they were unable to be nurturing affectionate and protective towards me.
Those very same wall built on my fears that protected my hurt inner child, would stop me from having intimate relationships with other people.
Part of recovery is improving our values, to express my gratitude and appreciation, in every way possible, to not take things for granted.
By me expressing my gratitude and appreciation I was showing how much I valued peoples interactions and things.
Yes for sure it makes sense to me today.
To move from full painful trauma to being an open loving book takes time to heal and get my ass motivated toward healthy habits.
No person pleasing today.
No more doing things reluctantly or resentfully today.
Understanding our needs and fulfilling them, understanding our wants and fulfilling them and rewarding our self with healthy things.
Setting goals to achieve more healthy things in our life.
When we forgive our self we will be able to laugh at our self.
To understand how we use to think and how we use to react in such unhealthy ways.
A healthy recovery has nothing what so ever to do with luck what so ever.
We are very fortunate that we find a place to find a healthier way of living.
Due to their aggression and confrontation there in a way emotional abandoning me, they were there but not there in intimate ways.
Often in past I use the wording that I wanted justice, this was not honest or correct, what I was wanting was vengeance, I was in effect transferring my pains fears and my frustrations on to other people.
This bitter twisted sadistic streak in me caused people to react in unhealthy towards me.
In time people learned to fear me.
Being in the recovery program helped me heal and live a healthy life once more.
In time your fears will reduce and you will be able to be your self in so many ways.
As your fears reduce your trust will grow.
When pains reduce, when fears are faced, the healing process starts.
When I walked in to recovery program I did not know how unhealthy I was.
The money was the fuel for my addiction, you can take away the money yet that would not reduce me wanting to escape people life and situation I could not cope with emotionally.
On first walking in to the recovery there were many people who were religious and would imply that the only way to a healthy recovery was taking up a religious belief.
That did not work for me I am a non religious person yet I do believe in spiritual values and healthy living.
Handing over our fiances was very difficult for me.
I felt that by me controlling our fiances was a control issue for me.
Handing over our fiances made me feel more insecure.
Yet the truth was because I was so emotionally vulnerable I could not at that point in time be trusted with our finances.
The question to answer how much money did I need each day.
As I got healthy some times there was money left at the end of the week.
Understanding what my emotional triggers were was critical to my having a healthy recovery.
There were people who would say that emotional triggers were just excuses, that for me demonstrates ignorance and certainly confuses people.
It is also quoted it is not important to know why we gambled, that for me demonstrates ignorance and certainly confuses people.
I do not talk about money or being in action, it is not healthy for me and often will unsettle other people and adversely affect other peoples recovery.
What were the consequences of my unhealthy habits.
How can I exchange my unhealthy habits in to healthy habits.
After breaking out many times I understood that clean time can not be lost
With step four it is about understanding our self and learning from our past what was healthy and what was unhealthy.
Money lost represented my time lost working hard for it.
At one time I thought that people goals were to get lots of money.
That lots of money would make me happy.
One day I was at a very big expensive home.
I asked the owner if he was happy having reached his goal of having lots of money.
He asked me if I thought his goal in life was money. I said yes.
He corrected me, his goal in life was to be successful, the result of being successful was money.
His goal in life was never money
Just by sharing with one person at a deep level I understood what success was.
My success today in my recovery is to be healthy and productive, the consequences of my my success today is pride in myself and pride in my family.
Every action has consequences, healthy actions has healthy consequences, unhealthy actions has unhealthy consequences.
By sitting on my hands doing nothing but abstain from my addictions was me white knuckling my recovery.
Am I willing to be completely selfish in becoming healthy.
The addictions and obsessions were just symptoms that I was not a healthy person and I was emotionally vulnerable..
How much time and energy am I willing to place in to my recovery and my healing today.
Each time I said to myself oh cares any way was the instant I was giving up all faith and hope in myself.
Being in the recovery I would understand how emotionally unhealthy I was, I would start to understand my unhealthy reactions to people life and situations.
The money was just the fuel for my addictions, I would find no emotional resolve through money.
All the time I was chasing my money lost I was living in the past and causing myself and other more pains and suffering.
Just for today is about setting boundaries for myself.
Just for today I will not gamble is not about any type of gambling or addiction, just for today I will not gamble is a boundary that means I am not willing to hurt myself or any one else any more, just for today I will not gamble means that just for today I am going to value myself.
The recovery program was not going to stop me gambling, that had to be my own conscious choice.
The recovery was going to help me understand each of my emotional triggers.
The healthy people in the recovery program was going to help me and nurture me in to exchanging unhealthy habits in to healthy habits, in my work time, in my want time, and in my family time.
The simple sad fact that when we walk in to the recovery program we have already been survivors, we have already understood by our guilt and remorse we have gone against our own conscience, we have gone against our instincts and said and done things that were very unhealthy to us and to other people.
I am a non religious person and yet I have achieved so much that at one time I thought was impossible.
I am able to be more stable and more at peace with in myself and with other people.
The pains of my past caused fears in me that I did not understand or even know about.
Am I willing to be completely selfish in becoming healthy.
My addictions and obsessions were just symptoms that I was an unhealthy person.
My addictions and obsessions were just symptoms that I was an emotionally vulnerable person.
Until I am admitted to myself that I was unhealthy no one could help me help myself.
Your ability to be honest and open indicates you have over come your fears of rejection and abandonment also indicates you are able to over come your fears of emotional intimacy.
For me my honesty helped me to be able to interact with other people in healthier ways.
In time my guilt and shame were reduced with having confidence and pride with in myself.
Every exchange of unhealthy habits in to healthy habits and helped me become more productive in every avenue of my life.
For me saying to myself I will never gamble again indicated I thought that I could control gambling.
I gave up saying I will never gamble again and stayed focused on just for today I will not gamble, this kind of boundary helped me accept my emotional vulnerability.
As I heal the pains of my child hood my fears reduce, my ability to interact in healthy ways grew.
I use to think that gambling was exciting fun stimulating and even thought that I loved gambling.
My emotional triggers were my pains not healed, my fears not faced, my frustrations were due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations, my boredom was due to me not being motivated, and my loneliness was due to my fears of emotional intimacy.
Only when I was able to love myself was I able to love other people.
Only when I was able to respect myself was I able to respect other people.
I use to say to myself I wanted to be normal, today I understand that what normal people say and do to each other is not very healthy.
The recovery program is all about healing for me, healing from the pains of self abuse but more importantly healing the hurt little child in me.
It was very important for me to write down my needs, to write down my wants, to write down my goals.
This helped greatly in bringing clarity and focus in to my days recovery.
Being in recovery I would learn and understand my unhealthy reactions towards people life and situations.
Each pain in me that was not healed or resolved caused fears in me that I did not understand.
Part of my recovery was to identify face each fear and understand it.
Give each fear a number out of 10.
The question to ask myself what is the very worst that can happen and am I willing to accept the very worst that can happen, once I do so the level of fear drops from 10 out of 10 to less than 5 out of 10.
It was very important to take my biggest fear on first of all.
Once we face our biggest fear head on, every fear after that one get easier.
It can be argued that we feel that we are not worthy of any thing, that we cheat our self from treating our self nicely.
Before my recovery when asked in to an office I always assumed I had done some thing wrong, that was an instant reaction, almost like it came from my sub conscious child hood.
I could not compliment myself, I could not validate myself.
By working my recovery program I was going to be able to help myself become healthier and less vulnerable.
The recovery program is a way of us learning how unhealthy I was but more important how I could heal and become whole and healthy and fearless once more today.
The recovery program helped me face and reduce my fears and live a full productive life.
There was a time I thought and felt that life was boring and today there are not enough hours in the day, I do know that the world did not change for me, but I have in fact became motivated in much healthier ways today.
I wake up with more motivation today than I ever before my recovery.
Before my recovery I use to dread getting up in the morning, my motivation was very unhealthy.
By writing down my needs, writing down my wants, and writing down my goals I was going to extend myself in so many ways.
By writing down things I am getting more focused on things in my life.
By writing down things I am getting more clarity and understand setting best sequences to get things done.
Because of my fears and nervousness lack of confidence and low self esteem I found it hard to stay focused on one thing at a time.
I found that change was hard for me, at one time I use to fear Saturday mornings.
One Saturday asked me how I was feeling, I told her I felt emotionally vulnerable and that I feel very nervous Saturday mornings.
Shirley said get your jacket on, why I asked, she said we are going some where, where I asked, she said she did not know but we would know once we got there.
As it happens we finished up at a ten pin bowling alley, and at the end of the day we decided it was great fun.
Well after that we went ten pin bowling every Saturday Shirley my son Mark and I and over time I no longer feared Saturday mornings.
Filling my life today is very easy now, things I use to think were boring I find stimulating for me.
My fears of change I now take as a challenge.
Time and money are well spent these days.
My emotional triggers were my pains not healed. My emotional triggers were my fears not faced. 
My emotional triggers were my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations. By me having unreasonable expectations of people life and situations I was effect causing myself pains time and time again. 
My emotional triggers were my feelings of loneliness due to my fears of emotional intimacy. My emotional triggers were my feelings of being bored. I can be honest today with out being cruel or adversely affecting other people. I can embrace change towards healthy habits today. 
My unhealthy reactions to people life and situations indicated that my hurt inner child was not healed. 
My unhealthy reactions in anger, resentments, impatience intolerance, jealous, envy, rage, lack of trust, guilt shame regret remorse penance person pleasing vengeance mistrust self worth low self esteem indicate that I am not fully healthy and not at serenity with myself today.
My unhealthy reactions told me that my hurt inner child was not completely healed.
It took me over forty years to learn that my anger was due to pains not healed, fears not faced, and to my frustrations.
When I use to lash out I use to say to myself I wanted justice, that was not true I wanted vengeance. 
Now how much do I understand my recovery today.
How much am I at peace with my inner child today.
I have had 11 counselors, I have attended over 4900 meetings, I have cried my eyes out, I have laughed till it hurt, I have done one bucket list journey with one person, I have had a full day of cancer surgery, I have over come my fears of the opposite sex, I have told my father that I loved him at his death place, I have told my son I love him and trust him, I have told my mother that I loved her just before she died, I have learned to be the healthiest person I can be today.
The addictions and obsessions were just the symptoms that my hurt inner child was not healed.
Why go to meetings today, it has nothing to do about gambling today, it has nothing to do about money today, the reason I go to meetings today is because I want to be even more healthier than I am today, there is so much more potential in me even today.
In the meetings we are all an equal, no matter time off, no matter how successful we are.
The recovery program works like mountain climbers tied together with ropes who find safe and secure ways of learning and finding new skills in living a healthier life today.
The recovery program works like a team of like minded people, reaching new levels of skill.
I have no control over the gambling establishments, they are there to make money.
The gambling establishments never made me do any thing I did not want to do.
The gambling establishments never lied to my family, I did.
The gambling establishments never made me steal, I did.
The gambling establishments were places I went to escape when I was emotional vulnerable and could not cope with people life and situations.
Long before my addictions and my obsessions I was risk taking, I was stealing, I was not being honest and open.
A time came when I decided to become selfish, to put as much effort in to my recovery as I put in to my addictions and obsessions.
The question is how much do I want to be healthier today, how much time and effort am I worth today.
Please keep going to meetings, you will benefit from it in so many ways.
Success is over coming procrastination and getting my needs done, getting my wants done, getting honest with Success is being the healthiest person I can be today.
Success is understanding my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations. By me having unreasonable expectations of people life and situations I was effect causing myself pains time and time again. 
Success is being content sincere mature healed and whole with in myself today.
Success is understanding that by being alone and isolated on my own is not a healthy way to live my life today.
Success is understanding that I can live today with out my addiction obsessions or adversely affecting 
Success is over coming procrastination and getting my needs done, getting my wants done, getting honest with Success is being the healthiest person I can be today.
Success is honest and accountable to myself.
Success is understanding my emotional triggers, my pains not healed.
Success is understanding my my fears not faced.
Success is understanding my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations. 
By me having unreasonable expectations of people life and situations I was effect causing myself pains time and time again.
Success is understanding my emotional triggers of my feelings of loneliness due to my fears of emotional intimacy.
Success is understanding my emotional triggers were my feelings of being bored. I can be honest today with out being cruel or adversely affecting other people.
Success is understanding I can embrace change towards healthy habits today.
Success is understanding I can reduce my unhealthy reactions to people life and situations.
Success is acknowledging my unhealthy reactions in anger, resentments, impatience intolerance, jealous, envy, rage, lack of trust, guilt shame regret remorse penance person pleasing vengeance mistrust self worth low self esteem indicate that I am not fully healthy and not at serenity with myself today.
Success is not taking on unhealthy peoples emotional baggage on board today.
Success is being content sincere mature healed and whole with in myself today.
Success is understanding that I work better in a team of like minded people.
Success is understanding that I can live today with out my addiction obsessions or adversely affecting myself or other people.
Success is understanding that honesty is the best policy today.
Please keep going to meetings, you will benefit from it in so many ways.
Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
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