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Painful Emotional Trauma in my life adversely affected my learning and listening

Painful Emotional Trauma in my life adversely affected my ability to learning and to my listening.

Often I would feel that people were trying to control me and regulate my life.

I am a non religious person yet in time I would embrace spiritual values.

The twenty questions were very clear and simple yet why could I not be honest with myself.

The simple truth was that if I was not willing to admit to myself that I was emotionally vulnerable and unhealthy then I was not going to get healthy.

The recovery program was going to help me help myself move away from unhealthy habits.

The recovery program was going to help me help myself move away from very risk taking habits.

The recovery program was going to help me abstain and replace my unhealthy habits with healthy habits.

There was a time when I was angry and over sensitive most of the time.

Today now I find it hard to remember when i was last angry.

People who think that some one or some thing will stop them going to their addictions and obsessions si their choice.

I have been in my recovery over fifty years now, sadly I am only twenty six years clan from my last bet.

The question I am often asked f you have not gambled in such a time why go to meetings today.

The recovery program helps us abstain sadly that is when our healing starts.

It was not possible to heal while I was still hurting myself and other people.

The recovery program helps us take very slow baby steps, progress every day is what is important.

Recovery and healing is not a race, I use to rush in my talking, I use to panic and have anxiety when talking.

My mouth was trying to go faster than my mouth yet it seemed a way I could not change from.

The word dysfunctional was often used yet what did it mean to me.

I use to say I wanted to be normal, yet sadly that some times is not very healthy.

Dysfunctional could mean inept or ignorant not understanding.

Dysfunctional would mean to me I could not articulate my feelings and my emotions, I could not over come my fears of emotional intimacy.

Dysfunctional would mean to me not able to be self sufficient, not able to be accountable to myself and use to blame other people.

Dysfunctional would mean to me I would justify being unhealthy, I would justify my unhealthy words and my unhealthy actions that would adversely affect other people.

Dysfunctional would mean to me I would go against my own conscience and that would adversely affect other people.

Only when I got honest with myself could I get honest with other people.

My first twenty four years in my recovery were a slow learning curve, I would start to understand my emotional triggers, that my addictions and obsessions were just the symptoms that I was emotionally vulnerable.

On arrival my questions were very much about my insecurity and my inadequacy, my questions today are about understanding at a much deeper level.

The recovery program helped me heal, it helped me mature and grow, it helped me reach greater goals, it helped me to ask questions with out fear.

The recovery program helped me humble myself to be an all equal to every one, it helped me to be myself, it helped me to be content and happy with who I am today, it helped me to be content and happy with who I am with today, it helped me to be content and happy with what I have today, it helped me to be understand my needs, my wants, and my goals today.

The choices I have today far exceed those things I use to dream of.

Money was never going to make heal my hurt inner child, money was never going to heal my hurt inner child, money was never going to repair relationships I had torn a part, money was never going to make peoples fear of me reduce.

So in setting a boundary that my addictions and obsessions are not for today I will learn to be healthy one day at a time.

My choice is to be healthy ad more productive with my day.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham
Hi Dave,
Very powerful and meaningful words. Allowing myself to be vulnerable has been hard, ego has been popping up every now and then to "attempt" to convince me and others that I am ok, but right now, over 40 months in recovery, emotionally I am at my most vulnerable.

I've gone through a painful process of trauma therapy, no where near as painful as I "FEARED" it would be. That fear fed my addictions to run away from my feelings. My default for feeling any emotion, for this process was distrupted at 16, became: FEEL = GAMBLE. That simple equation was applied to happy, sad, fearful, angry, lonely, tired, hungry, frustrated etc etc If I was alive and I was feeling something, then my "script" was to gamble.

In early 2016 I disrupted this default dehaviour by going to rehab, and stopping the delusional coping mechanism by staying off of gambling by going to GA meetings, and started working the steps.

Roll on to 2019, and I've worked very hard at the trauma and had many destabilsing episodes along the way, but I have gone through it all the same without gambling. I've learned to forgive the person who was the main cause of many of my resentments, and pain.

Now that I'm breaking free of the shackles of trauma association, I'm a 40 year old man, who is learning day by day how first notice, and then process emotions, focusing on the lesson learned. There is a lesson to be learned in all situations, good and bad, but focusing on the lesson rather than the emotion, I can feel that I am building up my emotional stability.

Just for today I will not gamble

One day at a time.  My last bet was 15/03/2016 and I hope and pray each day that it stays that way.
Allowing our self to be vulnerable is acknowledging our hurt inner child is in pain.
Just for today I will not gamble is a healthy boundary that shows that we care about our self today.
In time our gap from our emotional age to our physical age reduces.
Love and best wishes.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham

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