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Living in the pains of our past, it is healthy in any way

Before my recovery I use to bury and suppress my feelings and my emotions.

The addictions and obsessions were a form of escape.

Every pain in my life caused fears in me that I did not understand.

The questions asked were is it possible to heal from the past. Yes it is.

Is it possible to face our fears with out understanding why we have that fear, Yes it is.

Our resentments indicate that we are still holding on to the pains of our past.

Is it possible to trust some one who has betrayed us so many times, if betrayed we need to speak up for our self from a place of peace, healthy boundaries are set up when we are at peace with our self.

Can we change another person, no not at all.

Yet how many times have our unreasonable expectations of other people caused up pain.

It was only by reducing our unreasonable expectations that we stop causing our self pain.

My anger and rage can indicate that our inner child is not healed.

By having my resentments I am not healing my pains, at what point will I say to myself being resentful I am still hurting myself, it is time to move on from the past.

Because of the serenity prayer I understand that I am unable to change other people healthy or other wise, I am able to change my unhealthy reactions to unhealthy reactions to unhealthy people.

All the time I am the victim I am not able to interact with other people in healthy ways.

How do I know if I am still a victim, I am wanting pity and sympathy from other people, I am feeling vulnerable with people, I feel afraid of emotional intimacy, my fears cause me to mistrust having close relationships with other people.

I had so many people take advantage of me when I was younger, why was it that I was always the person who was taken advantage of, the I understood that perpetrators where victim that never got to heal from their pains.

I then understood the reason I was picked on was because I was emotionally vulnerable, the recovery program helped me heal the hurt inner child, yet at what point would I be able to speak up for myself.

Only when the victim was able to speak up for them self from a place of peace.

Being a victim was very unhealthy, being a perpetrator was also very unhealthy, being a rescuer was also unhealthy, so at what point would I give up those unhealthy habits.

For me control issues were fear based, so at what point would I stop trying to control people life and situations.

Can a non religious person find inner peace, can a non religious person find a healthy recovery.

How do I know if I have forgiven myself, because I am able to laugh at myself.

Some one told me that by saying that I love some who hurt me that will heal my pains.

I went to my fathers resting place in Calgary, I said Ernie I love you, instant sub conscious reaction was feeling some one was pushing a very sharp knife in my throat.

I could not believe the pain I was feeling, I said Ernie I love you again and there was still pain, I repeatedly said Ernie I love you until there was no more pain caused in me.

Am I at peace with Ernie today, did I understand what I wanted from Ernie he could not give me, Ernie was a victim like myself, in seeing Ernie before he died I saw my future, I knew Ernie was not healthy, and in time I felt he was a part of me.

I am more at peace with myself today, I am more at peace with most people in my life today.

How much do I value myself today, how much more of my pain can I heal today.

I understand that close intimacy is essential in me being healthy today, in time that hurt inner child came out and played.

No one limits me in any way today, that choice is mine today.

What ever my expectations of other people I wanted fulfilled are up to me today.

Only when I am able to respect myself can I respect other people.

Only when I am able to love myself can I love other people.

Only when I am able to be patient with myself can I be patient with other people.

Only when I am able to be caring with myself can I be caring with other people.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

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