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My Story
I'm 35 years old and through my 20's I would gamble on a very regular basis. I've struggled with
depression throughout my adult life but didn't start to acknowledged that till I was close to a breakdown at 27.

At 29 I slipped a disc in the.middle back which compressed my spinal cord and paralysed me from the waist
down. The road to recovery was a long one but during the down time with time on my hands I would fill it gambling.

When I had good wins I would often find a way to lose it all before I stopped, I still don't get this?

At 33 my life changed for the better. I fell head over heals in love with such a wonderful person. Things moved quickly
and before we knew it, I had moved into her home to live with her and her amazing son. I loved and still do love them very much. Just before my 34th birthday we got engaged. I was worried we couldn't afford to get married but we set everything in motion and started saving.

The savings went into my bank account to help cover an overdraft. After a while, I started spending more money than I
had coming in. I started to borrow from the wedding fund and before I knew it, I would do so on a regular basis.

In a panic I started gambling again. I had not placed one single bet in all the time we had been together at this point, which was probably 15 months or slightly longer. Everything started to get out of hand from this point onwards.

Soon, we didn't have a wedding fund.

I continued to gamble in secret, thinking I had it all under control, I was wrong.

I kept on spending money betting, money I right spending at all.

My depression due to guilt and stress was taking it's toll moods were terrible. I would often be difficult to live with and lash out, often saying things I didn't mean. On 3rd August this year my partner ended our relationship She tolerate me during the bad times.

On .Monday of this week I was forced to confess all. My ex now hates me and never wants to hear again. her so much and her son who I've always treated own but I understand, who can blame her?

I' back living with my parents and in debt, without a job (I lived in a different county ex and we had recently started a business together). My parents have loaned me some money to cover some debt, although I still need to pay them back. The sheer look of stress, anger, confusion and disappointment I see when they look kills me a little bit inside every time it happens.

I really hate myself right now. The guilt I feel for the stress, upset and pain I've caused so many loved ones is overwhelming.

I know I can't change the past only learn from it. I need to sort my debt out, try and see if I can claim any benefits, start applying for jobs, while trying to sort my mental health.

Mum is going from being ok with me one minute to lashing out the next, I just take it. I can't blame her.

The only thing I disagree with is, my Mum said I could never have loved my ex and her child or I never would have done what I have. She also claims I could have stopped gambling at any time but simply chose not to through greed, I strongly disagree. I think she simply fails to understand the grip and hold addiction can have on a person.
Sorry to hear your story. I'm sure that mental health and compulsive gambling go hand in hand. Hopefully you can seek help with your mental health the same as you are now doing with your gambling.
Please try to attend a meeting, and whether you like it or not, please give it 90 days. This will help you to get some clarity on your situation.
Someone like your mum who doesn't have a problem won't necessarily understand what it is like for us, I have had others judge me an say that I could just stop if I wanted to. Unfortunately I lost my wife and children to gambling, or because of my actions when gambling, and I loved them without question, but the illness is too strong.
If you do go to a meeting, there are open meetings in which family or friends are welcome, and there they will get a better understanding of what the illness does to us and others. In time, those who matter will understand. It does take time though. There is no easy fix for your relationship, but from now you have to look after yourself, and the first thing is to put the gambling down and find a meeting. They happen all over the country so it shouldn't be a problem to find one.
I hope you find one and let the forum know what happened and how you felt.
There is hope, but it needs you to put the work in.
All the best.

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