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My addictions and my obsessions only indicated that I was emotionally vulnerable
#1
Hi

My addictions and my obsessions only indicated that I was emotionally vulnerable, that I use to escape people life and situations when I could not cope emotionally .

Today I understand that my addictions and my obsessions were just the symptoms.

The addictions and my obsessions were a form of self abuse, I would work and then give my money away.

I did not see myself as a rat in a wheel going faster and faster getting no where.

How could  think that I loved my addictions and that life was boring.

How could  think that risk taking in every way was fun or exciting.

While I was consumed by the addictions and my obsessions I was escaping and deviating facing myself.

I am a non religious person and feel that people who push religion on to other people has an adverse effect on their recovery.

Sadly in my life the religious people I had experienced were very cruel people who were hypocrites would say one thing and do another.

The trauma in my life adversely affected my ability to learn and absorb education and information.

I lacked the ability to understand logic and reason.

The sooner I moved from telling sad stories and got in to talking about my emotional vulnerability and how to heal and resolve my unhealthy reactions also the sooner my hurt inner child can heal.

Yet one can ask how would recovery help me, it is a very slow healing process.

Due to my addictions and my obsessions it was a form of self abuse when I would hurt myself and people around me.

By abstaining from addictions and my obsessions I was not hurting myself.

Only then could the healing process began.

I could not trust myself with money.

Ideally I would become emotionally detached from gambling.

The wording I used that I was obsessive, I have to, today it is about what is a need and today it is about what is a want, today it is about what is a goal.

My writing down things is my commitment to myself.

Writing down I stay focused and motivated in healthy ways.

Before my recovery I was not motivated in healthy ways.

I did most things reluctantly and resentfully hence their was no reward from my actions.

The recovery program is a healthy healing process.

Before I took the recovery program seriously I was filled with guilt shame remorse hatred jealousy envy impatience and intolerance and that was a good day.

By being healthy we are filled with pride in our self, no matter how nasty and mean I was I am not able to take the pains I caused away from people today.

Pride is the reward for my healthy actions and my healthy words.

Pride in one self is not egotistic.

Pride is not about money or wealth.

Before my recovery I did not feel successful in myself.

So what is success to me today.

It is not money, it is not in material things, success is being and productive in every avenue of my life.

I did not know how to celebrate in a healthy way.

I did not know how to take a compliment in a healthy way.

I did not know how to show appreciation and gratitude.

I did not know how to have intimate relationships with other people.

I use to fear the opposite sex.

So today my addictions and my obsessions are not things I want or need in my life today.

The choice is mine today.

Am I willing to be selfish in my recovery today.

How much effort am I worth today.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham
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