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Pains in my past caused fears in me that remained up to my recovery

Pains caused in me fears that I did not understand or faced.

In the recovery program I would face myself and my fears.

I am a non religious person and enjoy healthy living today.

My instant reaction in my anger was an indicator that my pains were not healed.

My anger was an unhealthy reaction to my pains to my fears and to my frustrations.

I use to fear being honest.

As a child I was punished humiliated embaressed caused pain when I was honest.

I feared rejection and abandonment.

I feared emotional intimacy.

I feared the opposite sex.

I feared failure.

I feared humiliation.

I feared being myself.

I feared large groups of people.

I feared being accountable.

I feared taking on new challenges.

I feared being seen by some one I knew in recovery.

I feared being asked questions.

I feared being shown up being ignorant. 

And the person I feared the most was facing myself.

I took the largest fear I had and asked myself what was the very worst thing that could happen.

Only once I took every possibility in to account and was completely willing to accept the very worst thing that could happen then my feared reduced.

How can it be in any way healthy to react in fear in so many ways.

Fear disabled me, it was crippling me from achieving more in my life.

Each time I went back to my addictions and my obsessions I was not facing my emotional triggers.

Each time I went back to my addictions and my obsessions was a lesson if I was willing to learn from it.

I feared aggression and confrontation that came from my child hood, I internalized the aggression and confrontation of my parents.

It took me two years of doing Karate to understand that fear.

I use to enjoy fighting.

In my recovery I also understand I use to internalize other people feelings.

Like I felt guilty and responsible when things went wrong.

How can it be healthy to feel unworthy and not able to accept a gift in a healthy way.

The wording used in recovery right wrong good bad can be taken as a critism.

I have found that using the wording healthy or unhealthy is not offensive.

The ideal situation is to be emotionally detached from all feelings towards our addictions and our obsessions.

How much more productive can I be today.

How much more productive can I be with my relationships today.

Am I writing things down.

Am I writing down my needs today.

Am I writing down my wants today.

Am I writing down my goals today.

Have I reread my steps and my answers.

Do I have meetings after my meetings.

Do I use the telephone list.

Have my communication skills improved.

Am I able to articulate myself in healthy ways today.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham.

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