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What do I get from working my recovery program.

I am a non religious person yet take the recovery program very seriously.
For me the recovery program is a healing process.
With every pain in my life came fears I did not understand.
With each bet and with each drink and obsession I got weaker and weaker.
Before the recovery program I was willing to give up all faith and hope in myself.
What feeling or emotion drove me to gamble, what was the driving force of me escaping people life and situations.
One can argue it is adrenaline based, that risk taking gave me a high, I thought it was exciting and that life was boring.
In time I would understand that I was not a bad person, that I was not a stupid person, that I was not worthy of beating myself all the time.
When in action I was causing myself harm, I was in effect working for nothing and giving m money away while I and my family went with out.
Thinking that the next win would make me feel successful in myself, that was not true it was a lie I kept telling myself.
What I did not know that every painful experience I have been through that the day I walked in to the recovery I was a survivor.
So by going to meetings what happened for me.
Well no one could stop me gambling, that had to be my own conscious choice.
Just for today I will not gamble was for today only, just one simple day.
By abstaining from one unhealthy habit I was refraining from causing myself self abuse.
Nothing healthy is gained by living in the past, so the recovery program was going to ask me to write things down.
To expose more of myself, what are my feelings and my emotions, how can I communicate in much healthier ways.
Every unhealthy habit I exchanged in to healthy habit made me more productive.
Abstaining on its own was not enough for me, I needed to use my free time in to getting more productive.
Abstaining and sitting around doing nothing is doing hard time.
The person that limited me from getting things done was myself.
Is procrastination fear based, is it lack of confidence in myself, is it lack of commitment in myself, is it the fact I am not worthy.
I use to organize ten pin bowling for the people in recovery.
I organized discounts for our group it made it cheaper, I had the date I had it all organized but required a deposit.
The majority of people paid on the day of the games, was that procrastination.
Every one enjoyed them self so much they wanted to leave ten pin bowling and go and have a coffee and some thing to eat.
The games were very healthy, as an outsider you would have never have guessed that all those people who were all laughing and joking had suffered some horrific experiences in their lives including me.
As we chatted ate and had a non alcoholic drinks people came alive and were very stimulated.
Before my recovery I was for sure a loner, I use to put on a mask to hide the hurt child in me.
Sadly by having such high walls of fear to protect the hurt child in me, I was in effect stopping myself getting out and interacting with other people.
Before my recovery I was a very angry over sensitive person.
Before my recovery I had certain emotional triggers, pains that were not healed, fears that were not faced, frustrations were due to my unreasonable expectations of people lief and situations.
Before my recovery another emotional triggers were my feelings of loneliness due to my fears of emotional intimacy.
Before my recovery another emotional triggers were my feelings of boredom, I was not productive and feared failure, hence I would even try.
Had I not stuck with the recovery program I would be who I am today.
For me the recovery program I would need to put more time and effort in to my recovery than I put in to my addiction and my obsessions.
The healthy people in recovery program would ask me to take slow baby steps.
The healthy people in recovery program would nurture and encourage me.
The recovery program was never going to try and control my life, no it was going to encourage me to become healthier in every way possible.
How can living in fear in any way be healthy.
A few nights ago I had a dream I had won a very big bet, I use to have these dreams over many years.
The dream did not unsettle me.
I use to have cold sweats when I had dreams of gambling I thought I was going mad.
In the old days I use to I wanted justice, it was vengeance I was asking for, not the same thing.
I use to be angry all of the time, old ladies counting pennies at the till, long line of people at the cinema.
I have difficulty remembering when I was last angry.
My patience and tolerance with other people tells me I have more patience and tolerance with myself.
For sure I was a victim as a child, even knowing how painful it was being a victim I became a perpetrator and hurt people close to me.
I even justified doing unhealthy things.
Being a victim for me is unhealthy today.
Being a perpetrator for me is unhealthy today.
Being a rescuer for me is unhealthy today.
Because of trauma in my child hood I was not able to learn understand or absorb information.
I use to fear the opposite sex, I use to fear being myself, I use to fear emotional intimacy, I use to fear failure, I use to fear trusting people, I use to fear being questioned, I use to fear showing my ignorance, I use to fear being accountable.
I do know that my emotional age and that my physical age gap is reducing.
How selfish can I be with my recovery today.
I know it sounds weird but I am starting to like myself.
Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham.

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